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Post by shanniebananie on Oct 30, 2021 15:30:38 GMT
godchildren, etc.
Did you stop at a certain age (18, 21, etc), or when they graduated college, or got married?
Did it matter if it was their birthday and not the holidays?
Does it matter if they no longer send a thank you card or acknowledge the gift in any way?
Do you still buy for them no matter the age?
I think it is time to have this conversation with both my husband's sister and my brother. My sister in law's boys are 20 and 23 and single. Do you still buy for nieces/nephews this age? I am thinking it would be nice to stop buying for them, but I don't think that will go over well with them. They love "things".
My son is turning 19 in December and is in college. He doesn't need anything and to be honest my family usually misses his December birthday and just sends him an extra gift for Christmas. I would like to tell them to just send him a card for his birthday and nothing for Christmas. My son is totally fine with that.
I know my brother will also be resistant to stop the gift buying, mostly because he likes his kids to have a lot of gifts under the tree. They are 16, 13 and 10. They never say thank you for the gifts they get. I would like to suggest that the kids (mine and his) pick names and buy a book or board game for that person and be done. All the kids like books and playing games. If they don't go for that, My next suggestion would be a fun gift for the entire family and nothing for them individually.
Please tell me how this works in your family. How was it brought up? What if one family wants to stop and the other doesn't?
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 30, 2021 15:32:18 GMT
My nephews are late 20's and early 30's and I still get them gift cards for both Chanukkah and their birthdays.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Oct 30, 2021 15:36:48 GMT
Once they graduated from high school they are off the list.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Oct 30, 2021 15:49:10 GMT
My three nieces are now in their 30s, same age as DS. I stopped buying after high school. But they did get college graduation, wedding, baby gifts. I occasionally gift my grandnieces/nephews, but it’s inconsistent. I do have an 10 year old neice, but I’ve been less consistent with her since I was out of the kid buying years by the time she was born and we rarely see that family
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Post by Lexica on Oct 30, 2021 15:53:26 GMT
I stopped after Mom died. We fell apart as a family and no longer saw each other for Christmas or any holiday. Mom was the glue that held the family together, and for me, the only reason to put aside my dislike of a lot of what my siblings were doing to me and each other. Actually more so to each other. We started to come apart when Dad died, but out of respect for my mom, I did my best to ignore what my siblings were doing so that Mom didn't feel uncomfortable. I know that if Mom had passed before Dad did, Dad would have been 100% behind putting my sisters in their place when they pulled stuff. Mom was the type to bury things and pretend that everything was just perfect. By this point in time the youngest niece was 20 and the oldest was 31, so it was time we stopped anyway. Prior to Mom's passing, my younger sister's 3 children had children of their own and I did send gifts to them for all holidays. I stopped after Mom passed and we imploded.
I will admit, when my older sister went after my son and embarrassed him in front of his girlfriend at a Thanksgiving that she was hosting, I couldn't hold it in and told her off. I didn't do it in front of anyone else, which took a lot of control on my part. I talked to my mom first to warn her that I was going to do so. She didn't want me to but you don't hurt my boy and act like everything is just fine. And the funny thing was on the way to her house, I had commented on my sister's evil personality. My son had disagreed with me and I told him that he just hadn't witnessed what I had seen.
On the drive back home is when I learned what she had done to him while everyone else was outside. I was actually glad that I had warned his girlfriend that my sister could be a huge "B" and not to put any stock into anything she said. My son was truly surprised to have witnessed this side of her. Unfortunately this particular year, she chose to say something to him to purposely hurt and embarrass him. And if I had witnessed it, I don't think I could have held off so I guess it was better that she did her usual sneak attack so that I had time to warn Mom and choose my words carefully. I haven't seen either of them since Mom died and I have no regrets. I think Mom's "sweep it under the rug" attitude contributed heavily to the toxic nature that prevailed.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955 
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Oct 30, 2021 15:54:20 GMT
I have never bought gifts for my nieces or nephews for any occasion. It was difficult enough figuring out what to buy for my siblings. I was happy when we stopped that, which happened before anyone had any kids.
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Post by melanieg on Oct 30, 2021 15:57:23 GMT
My Niece and Nephews are 13, 10, 4 and 2. That is all I have. Not sure I will stop as I enjoy the hunt for the perfect gift. If I see something that is perfect for someone I will buy it and gift it. No one will tell me what to do! hahaha I also dont care if they gift me back.
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Post by ntsf on Oct 30, 2021 16:00:24 GMT
when they had good incomes.. about 25.
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Post by littlemama on Oct 30, 2021 16:01:58 GMT
18. But we would have loved to stop sooner. Dh's brother and his wife are unpleasant people who raised 3 absolute brats who never say thank you- or hello or goodbye.
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,740
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Post by grammanisi on Oct 30, 2021 16:09:29 GMT
If we are spending the holiday together, I still give gifts. If not, I don't.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 30, 2021 16:11:05 GMT
I have 5 nieces and nephews. They all get an ornament for Christmas. 3/5 are married, 2/5 have kids. Not sure what I am doing this year to be honest. I think two are just getting ornaments. Oh and they are 34, 32, 31,31 and 26.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 30, 2021 16:28:52 GMT
I was young and stupid when my older siblings had their kids and I spent a LOOOOT of money on those ungrateful little jerks over the years. Once I was married, in my own place and broke, I stopped. What was really bad was that their mom would still come hit me up any time one of her kids had some kind of private school fundraiser, or she would “suggest” that her teenage kids would “love” these expensive designer jeans or those Doc Martin shoes… uh, no. Just no.
On DH’s side, we bought for his sister’s kids until the oldest was probably in middle school. Those kids didn’t appreciate anything they ever got, not even cash money, which they would leave with the card laying on the floor along with all of the ripped up gift wrap and other trash. 🙄 Their mom was never very helpful either if we asked for suggestions for things the kids would actually like. When they were little she told us to buy them rolls of scotch tape or boxes of bandaids—because those were things they liked to waste! Seriously? No. I’m not doing that.
By the time we had our kid, they bought stuff for her for a couple years and we were the ones who said stop. The stuff they got her either wasn’t anything she would play with or even like, or it wasn’t age appropriate (Hex bugs for a 3 year old? How about no.) So we just told her to buy stuff for her own kids and we would buy stuff for ours and call it good. Done and done. Honestly I really don’t miss the stress of it all.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 30, 2021 16:33:37 GMT
I still send my niece something and she is 23. But she doesn't live in our state and it is my way of saying we miss and love you.
My oldest is 20. My brother buys for him still, but we'd be cool if he didn't. I will definitely buy for my niece and nephew until they are 18. But realistically, I'll buy for them as long as we get together as a family.
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Post by malibou on Oct 30, 2021 16:44:48 GMT
I'm the middle of 5 siblings and the last to have a kid. All of my family lived in Indiana while nieces and nephews were growing up, except for my family who are in CA. They were all together during Christmas and gave gifts to each other and all kids. In my early 20s before I got married, I sent gifts to my nieces and nephews, but as more kids came, it was becoming a struggle for me as I was in college for almost all of my 20s. In that time, I never once received a gift from any of my siblings. Out of site out of mind. We all get along just fine.
When I eloped, there was no acknowledgement that I had gotten married and spared them the expense of a wedding by eloping. When I had my son, I expected nothing for him from my siblings and therefore was not disappointed when nothing came for him.
We are certainly an odd family, but everyone seems okay with all of it. When my brother moved out to CA, he started coming to my house for Christmas and there are presents all around. So, I guess in my family, if you aren't actually physically present, there are no presents. 😆
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Post by compeateropeator on Oct 30, 2021 16:47:24 GMT
Well I only have two and I will never stop buying for them. But we are really close. It would be different if I had many.
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Post by artgirl1 on Oct 30, 2021 16:49:10 GMT
This issue is always a conundrum.
Like Lexica, my family no longer connects during the holidays, so it was relatively easy to stop. But that was after some long soul searching.
My siblings decided decided to stop gifts for the kids when my daughter was 11, and without telling me. They announced it at the Christmas gathering that we had.
Of course their kids were younger, and I was a generous aunt. I continued to send birthday gifts, (shipping because 4 were out of state) for three years, but finally, after never getting an acknowledgement or phone call, just quit. My nephew, locally has 5 kids under 7, and at each birth I get invited to a family meet the new one, (and by the way, here is what we want). That's the extent of contact I hear from them.
On the other hand, my DD is 40 and has a 7 year old. She has not heard from my siblings since my mom died 12 years ago, and never gotten a gift or card for any of her major events. She was in grad school and working 20 minutes from my sister in another state for four years, and never got a phone call, visit or invite. None of them acknowledged her sons' birth, although my brother and SIL did meet him once because she was here visiting during one of the meet the new kid events. Every summer, when she visits for 2 weeks, I invite my siblings for an event. None have responded or showed up, even though they all now live within 1 hour of me now.
I long ago decided that my siblings were not what I expected them to be, and family is a two way street. I will continue to make a minimal effort, but have no expectations. Family is now the friends that I have chosen and who have chosen me.
The timely plus in this, is that I was able to revert the investment accounts that I had set up for my sisters' kids, who were my godchildren, and transfer it to my grandson.
If I was making this decision now (or then), I would simply tell my siblings that your family has decided it would no longer participate in the gift exchange. End of explanation and discussion.
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Post by melanell on Oct 30, 2021 16:55:32 GMT
My nieces & nephews are all still in either K-12 or in college and we still buy for all of them. I don't know when or if we'll ever stop. It may depend on whether or not we see them over the holidays. One aunt & uncle of mine do not do gifts for nieces/nephews because they don't actually see us for Christmas and, more importantly, because they have a great many grandchildren and things were getting a bit out of hand with holiday spending, which one could easily see happening. But all of my other aunts & uncles still usually give me gifts and my kids as well! One uncle only gives gifts if he is actually in town, while one aunt & uncle who never see us at Christmas anymore still send gifts for DH, myself, & our kids. And until very recently several of my great aunts/uncles still used to give us gifts (either a family gift, or something for DH & I and something for the kids) if they saw us over the holidays as well. I'm running extremely low on great aunts/uncles these days, though.  And now finally, after years and years of giving gifts to so many people each season, the remaining have stopped doing so, which is certainly understandable. |
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Post by mikewozowski on Oct 30, 2021 16:56:55 GMT
i want to stop buying for them. the only idea they ever give is "gift card", and i don't need anyone to give me that idea. they also never say thank you, especially if the gift giver sends the gift and is not there. there is a 0% chance that those boys will text or call a thank you message, which is just rude.
i want my gift list to get smaller. we have suggested some kind of draw names thing, but there is always someone who doesn't want to do that.
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Post by scrapmomof2 on Oct 30, 2021 16:59:16 GMT
We have 15 nieces and nephews on my DH side. They have a grab bag of their own and really like it. It's supposed to be a big surprise and they kids try and physic each other out by wrapping the gift in a really big box, or putting dollar bills in balloons to be popped. The "kids" range in age from 24 to 12.
On my side we buy for all of them, there are 8, but we may stop that soon as the youngest is now 20. My sister has 4, I have 2 and my brother has 2, so we really can't do a grab bag. Actually, my sister wants to stop getting together all together because my 2 sil's are very toxic to her (and her kids) It makes me really upset, and I am constantly asking them to just stop talking about her, and putting her down. Her life and what she does is none of their business and they shouldn't be commenting on it.
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Post by huskermom98 on Oct 30, 2021 17:04:18 GMT
I have a ton of nieces and nephews. I only ever bought gifts if there was a family birthday gathering that I went to. I did buy Christmas gifts for a few years, but around the time my oldest was born (#8 on my side of the family) we started drawing names for the cousins to "give" gifts to each other at both gatherings (my parents are divorced). That lasted 12+ years--it stopped after not gathering once or twice and no one wanting to start it again when we did gather. It was hard coming up with so many ideas between 3 sets of grandparents, 2 cousin exchanges and our own family--and it was equally hard getting ideas for the other kids.
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Post by shamrock on Oct 30, 2021 17:07:54 GMT
My boys are the oldest on both sides of the family. DH’s brother never bought for them or even acknowledged bdays. I let DH handle things when his brother had kids. There have been a few gifts bought over the years, never reciprocated or thanked. My brother has bought gifts off and on. If he was in town for Christmas he always had a gift for my boys. He just had his 1st kid and the mom has 2 from a previous relationship. I’ve done holiday gifts for all 3 since they’ve been in my life. There’s a big age difference between my brother’s youngest and my 2 boys. Figure I’ll take his lead on when to stop.
My only advice is if family has bought for your kids till high school grad, don’t cut off their younger kids just because yours have reached that milestone.
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Oct 30, 2021 17:10:24 GMT
I was the first to have kids amongst my siblings and my children were spoiled by them every time we were home and for birthdays and Christmas (we didn't live close to any family members). When my siblings eventually had kids, I was excited to finally be able to do the same for them.
When the oldest nephews were around 15 or 16, my brother and sister suggested we just do birthdays (my kids were in their 20's by then). I made it clear that it was totally fine if they didn't want to gift my kids anymore - they were all finished or close to finishing university by then - but I still had a few years to make up. They were quite insistent that it was all good with them and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable so I agreed.
We still do birthdays - the "kids" range from 16 to 34 - and I put together a little goodie bag with chocolate, silly socks and a gift card for Christmas for my nephews, just for fun.
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Post by myliesmom on Oct 30, 2021 17:14:11 GMT
For the older kids - I Venmo them the amount of money to match their age. I only have 5 nieces and nephews so I may do it always.
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Post by alsomsknit on Oct 30, 2021 17:33:21 GMT
Both sides of the family are dysfunctional. My niece was seriously short changed. My side did not celebrate holidays or birthdays. I would buy my niece a backpack for school every year or two, when it was needed. Back when my family wasn’t shunning me/us. My other sibling’s children are young. Birthday and occasional gifts are given.
My husband’s nieces and nephew received birthday and Christmas gifts until their mother decided she no longer wanted to bother exchanging Christmas gifts. Birthday gifts were given regularly until the oldest was 18. Then, I passed that chore off to my husband. He rarely remembers. All 3 are of an age only greeting cards should be sent, now.
SIL had all the say in how long gift giving would continue. Different rules for her side of the family and BIL’s side of the family.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 30, 2021 17:56:45 GMT
On my side of the family, when they stopped acknowledging that I even sent them a gift.
On dh's side of the family, we have always made sure our kids called their grandparent/aunt/uncle. Mine are 21 and 26 now and they still receive gifts from their aunts/uncles and they give them gifts too. But, this year we will roll them into the family name drawing/gift exchange.
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Post by katiekaty on Oct 30, 2021 17:57:46 GMT
My oldest brother decided that when the kids turned 16 that should be it. His two oldest turned 16 before any of the others kids in the family did. His reasoning was that they had after school jobs AND that was the ask most of the kids were turning into ungrateful little shits, so we could stop!😁Godchildren we gave till 18 and all got for any graduations and weddings. Once we were Adults at 21, we went into the name drawing pool, if we wanted. We did that for about 30 years until my mom passed. And the family just stopped doing holidays together. We also had $ limits on kids gifts and adult gifts.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
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Post by joelise on Oct 30, 2021 18:05:37 GMT
My nieces are in their 30’s, my nephew in his 20’s, I’ve bought a present for them for all their birthdays and every Christmas since they were born. They buy presents for my DH and me.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 30, 2021 18:14:35 GMT
Birthdays stop when graduated from college or 22ish. Christmas stopped when we stopped gathering. I will say if one branch is significantly younger, I'd tread carefully as I've seen a few time the people who enjoyed people gifting their kids when young, suddenly were no longer interested in gift giving when their kids were grown but the siblings kids were still younger. Honestly I've seen it A LOT! So the fact that one of your siblings still has young kids has red flags all over it for me.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Oct 30, 2021 18:27:39 GMT
I’m seeing a lot of the same theme regarding no thank you and I’m ready to stop with my own niblings for the same reason. I also know I’m not alone when I feel infuriated because it has never been easier to acknowledge a gift! My sister’s son couldn’t even take the millisecond to tap the thumbs up or love button on Venmo recently and I do believe I will not acknowledge his upcoming birthday for that reason.
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Post by Linda on Oct 30, 2021 18:44:18 GMT
our families aren't big gift families.
My older sister has 2 grown girls and 3 grandchildren - we exchange Christmas cards (we don't live in the same country).
My younger sister sends birthday and christmas gifts to my 3 kids (15, 21, 30) - I send Christmas gifts to her 3 step-kids (15, 17, 22) - she's only been married to their dad for 4 years and I've only met the kids two or three times total.
Dh had 6 siblings and there are 9 nieces and nephews between them all of which are grown (youngest is mid30s, oldest is 49) and there are two more generations after that. We don't exchange gifts. If I'm going to see someone from that side over the holidays - I'll bake something for them.
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