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Post by freecharlie on Nov 13, 2021 15:38:03 GMT
Ods is 20 and on his own, but we help financially
Yds is 17 and a senior
We are supposed to go to marriage counseling, but I don't think it will work.
I don't think I can live with him like this
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Nov 13, 2021 15:46:39 GMT
I have no idea how normal people do it. The day after I told the ex I was done, after I thought we were trying to work things out for a couple of months, he introduced his girlfriend to the kids and his parents. Took the pressure off me...  I don't think I can live with him like this Limbo is a strange and horrible place, in my experience. It's so hard to think of anything else other than all the what ifs. I lost so many days and weeks living inside my head like that. Maybe tell the kids that you are going through some tough times right now and are just taking things day by day at this point but nothing is off the table, divorce or staying together. Tell them you are going to counselling, whether it is individual or couple, and if they would like to see someone, you will help them set something up. |
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Post by leannec on Nov 13, 2021 15:48:20 GMT
Sooner rather than later ... Our dd's were 16 and 20 and were a little blindsided because they had just been living the norm of us doing our own thing all the time ... we never fought ... just didn't communicate or do anything together ... no affection ... that was normal for the dd's  We told them within a week of making the decision because he moved out within the month ... It's hard on everyone to discuss things but it's better to be honest ... hugs to you! |
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Post by sunshine on Nov 13, 2021 15:50:40 GMT
First, I'm really sorry you're going thru this.
As for telling the kids, they're going to sense something's wrong, especially the one living at home. Has the husband given a reason why he thinks everything should be kept quiet until May? Unless there's a really good reason for waiting so long, seriously...how dare he. I think waiting so long, when the kids find out they might feel betrayed by being kept in the dark.
I also think both of you should be present, but the husband should tell them and should explain why.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 13, 2021 15:53:31 GMT
First, I'm really sorry you're going thru this.
As for telling the kids, they're going to sense something's wrong, especially the one living at home. Has the husband given a reason why he thinks everything should be kept quiet until May? Unless there's a really good reason for waiting so long, seriously...how dare he. I think waiting so long, when the kids find out they might feel betrayed by being kept in the dark.
I also think both of you should be present, but the husband should tell them and should explain why.
to not ruin ds's senior year |
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Post by phoenixcov on Nov 13, 2021 16:02:42 GMT
May I kindly mention that where your children are concerned there will never be a good time to separate? After the 17 year olds last year at school then there might be 1st year at Collage etc.
My first husband wanted to carry on living as "normal" with me still cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry. I declined and he left within a week or so.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,785
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Nov 13, 2021 16:03:54 GMT
Honestly, I don't think adding secrecy and false memories for the next six or seven months is kind or healthy for anyone. If dh really wanted to not ruin ds's senior year HE should have kept quiet until next May. But his way the secret is shared with you and not completely his burden.
Be honest and let the chips lie where they fall.
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Post by sunshine on Nov 13, 2021 16:05:59 GMT
Hmmmm. Well, I understand not wanting to upset your son's senior year. I don't think I'd be able to live as if nothing's wrong, make it thru the holidays, etc. if I was blindsided like this though. If it was mutual, maybe. One-sided? I don't think I could do it. You had mentioned your parents knew. I don't know how they keep a smile on their faces around the kids and pretend also.
It's really a bad situation, and I wish I knew what was best. The most I could say is I think I would tell them sooner rather than later. This is where a professional should be able to help.
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Post by mom on Nov 13, 2021 16:15:51 GMT
I would try counseling first. Then you can say youāve tried and youāre positive this is what he wants.
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Post by quinlove on Nov 13, 2021 16:42:48 GMT
I would try counseling first. Then you can say youāve tried and youāre positive this is what he wants. I agree with this approach. First try joint counseling. After that, you probably will be more certain that it (he) wonāt work out. You can tell your sons that the two of you are in counseling and not sure where it will end up. Iām not opposed to gently telling them. Like get them used to a break/separation first instead of the big D word. You know your sons best and every situation has its unique dimensions. eta ~ do you have a good irl support group ? Because, we are real and in your life and are here in any way that you need us. ā¤ļø |
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 13, 2021 16:43:32 GMT
Hmmmm. Well, I understand not wanting to upset your son's senior year. I don't think I'd be able to live as if nothing's wrong, make it thru the holidays, etc. if I was blindsided like this though. If it was mutual, maybe. One-sided? I don't think I could do it. You had mentioned your parents knew. I don't know how they keep a smile on their faces around the kids and pretend also. It's really a bad situation, and I wish I knew what was best. The most I could say is I think I would tell them sooner rather than later. This is where a professional should be able to help. I agree with this. Hopefully the right therapist/counselor can help you here. |
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,466
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Nov 13, 2021 16:46:03 GMT
First, I'm really sorry you're going thru this.
As for telling the kids, they're going to sense something's wrong, especially the one living at home. Has the husband given a reason why he thinks everything should be kept quiet until May? Unless there's a really good reason for waiting so long, seriously...how dare he. I think waiting so long, when the kids find out they might feel betrayed by being kept in the dark.
I also think both of you should be present, but the husband should tell them and should explain why.
to not ruin ds's senior year I think that in the long run, not telling DS until school is out would be a horrible idea. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 13, 2021 16:47:50 GMT
I would try counseling first. Then you can say youāve tried and youāre positive this is what he wants. Where counseling is on the agenda i'd probably hold off saying too much. Counselor may have some advice on how to handle telling or how much to tell kids. My feeling to is there are probably a lot of unknowns...they may deal better with some concrete info on how you'll move forward, things that affect them (like financial support, where you may live, etc.) Getting some answer for yourself first will likely help you navigate the kids part better. I'm so sorry that you are facing this ((HUGS)) |
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611 
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Post by julie5 on Nov 13, 2021 16:58:34 GMT
Iād tell them now. Theyāre going to notice anyways that something is up. Kids are very intuitive. And theyāll resent you for keeping it from them when they find out. That doesnāt mean they need all the details but like I said, theyāll know anyways.
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 13, 2021 17:01:12 GMT
Iād tell them now. Theyāre going to notice anyways that something is up. Kids are very intuitive. And theyāll resent you for keeping it from them when they find out. That doesnāt mean they need all the details but like I said, theyāll know anyways. No only resent you, but may feel guilt later that you stayed married, because of him. š And that will likely come out at some point. |
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Post by worrywart on Nov 13, 2021 17:06:38 GMT
Honestly, I don't think adding secrecy and false memories for the next six or seven months is kind or healthy for anyone. If dh really wanted to not ruin ds's senior year HE should have kept quiet until next May. But his way the secret is shared with you and not completely his burden. Be honest and let the chips lie where they fall. I agree. If that is how he feels he should have kept quiet until then. So let ds 'enjoy' his senior year while this is hanging over things and he is blissfully unaware - and honestly, the parent also takes enjoyment of their kids senior year so this also casts a pall on that as well. Not okay. Having said that, I don't know the answer but I agree with the poster who said maybe say that you are having hard times right now etc... I'm sorry that you have been put into this situation. |
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Post by librarylady on Nov 13, 2021 17:31:07 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.
I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life.
Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave?
Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 13, 2021 17:58:33 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. |
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Post by librarylady on Nov 13, 2021 18:02:34 GMT
I am so sorry you have this stab added to the divorce.
FWIW, my DH's ex had a similar situation. Both were going to divorce and ride off into the sunset....only her love interest never got his divorce. 49 years later she is still angry with DH because he moved on with life, found me and remarried. She is still alone and bitter.
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Post by elaine on Nov 13, 2021 18:08:00 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. I am devastated for you. What a betrayal. š¢ š¤¬ I think that you should wait until YOU are more clear about what you are feeling and what you want to happen/how you want to proceed with things - ideally with the help of a therapist - and then tell your kids. I agree with whomever said upthread that clarity would be helpful in discussing this with your kids. Keeping it a āsecretā and then telling your son after he has been living with you for 8 more months may lead to him feeling betrayed and mistrusting how he views/perceives relationships if it takes him by surprise. He may have a number of negative feelings related to him thinking that he should have known and maybe done/said something. |
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rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
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Post by rgibson on Nov 13, 2021 18:16:13 GMT
He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. I am so sorry. Infidelity is just so hard to overcome. I know it can be done, I was willing to try and the ex said he was but his actions proved otherwise and divorce was really the only option at that point. I was recommended the site Surviving Infidelity from people here when I was going through this and it helped a great deal. Some stay, some leave - there is no right answer and it was good to see all the perspectives. |
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Post by christine58 on Nov 13, 2021 18:24:21 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. Figure out finances and kick his sorry ass out. What a dick |
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sassyangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,456
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Post by sassyangel on Nov 13, 2021 18:38:59 GMT
He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. I am devastated for you. What a betrayal. š¢ š¤¬ I think that you should wait until YOU are more clear and what you are feeling and what you want to happen/how you want to proceed with things - ideally with the help of a therapist - and then tell your kids. I agree with whomever said upthread that clarity would be helpful in discussing this with your kids. Keeping it a āsecretā and then telling your son after he has been living with you for 8 more months may lead to him feeling betrayed and mistrusting how he views/perceives relationships if it takes him by surprise. He may have a number of negative feelings related to him thinking that he should have known and maybe done/said something. Oh no *huge hugs*. Iām so sorry. Given this is the circumstance, and I assume marriage counseling is not going to be something he wants, this is what I would do too. Ugh. š |
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Post by sunshine on Nov 13, 2021 18:47:39 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. Iām so pissed for you. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Nov 13, 2021 18:57:33 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. All the more reason to hire a shark-no, a piranha-attorney first for strategy and a good therapist for you. And screw āhisā timetable. You do what is best for you and for your son. Those two deserve each other. š” |
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Post by leannec on Nov 13, 2021 18:58:01 GMT
I will put odds on him already having a new love interest in his life.I have yet to know of a man who left because he was not feeling it in the marriage until he had a new person in his life. Does he plan to just hang around for 6-8 months with this in the air until he decides to leave? Get all your things lined up, see a counselor and move forward. He does. She is from high school and lives in another state. She is also married. They have not actually seen each other, but texts and phone calls. Get.out.now. (Meaning cut your losses!) Tell.kids.now. Continue to get your ducks in a row! |
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Nov 13, 2021 18:59:25 GMT
Iād tell both kids we are going to marriage counseling and itās too soon to tell if we are going to separate or reconcile but we love you both and will always support you as best we can.
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peabay
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Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 13, 2021 19:06:26 GMT
I would try counseling first. Then you can say youāve tried and youāre positive this is what he wants. Where counseling is on the agenda i'd probably hold off saying too much. Counselor may have some advice on how to handle telling or how much to tell kids. My feeling to is there are probably a lot of unknowns...they may deal better with some concrete info on how you'll move forward, things that affect them (like financial support, where you may live, etc.) Getting some answer for yourself first will likely help you navigate the kids part better. I'm so sorry that you are facing this ((HUGS)) 1000x this. Go to counseling. See where it goes - don't go in with a closed mind (at least try not to.) If it doesn't work, the therapist can help you with telling the kids. But I don't think I'd say anything until you see the therapist. What if you say you're splitting up and then you go to counseling and it works? Or your son knows you're in counseling - that's just confusing. "why are they splitting up but going to marital counseling?" I absolutely understand your desire to move this along - but this has been less than a week, hasn't it? Slow down, breathe, see a therapist, do a little work on it. Things will become clearer as you go along but there's no rush to tell the kids yet. Unless I'm missing a part of the picture. |
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Jili
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SLPea
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 13, 2021 19:08:49 GMT
Ugh. Iām sorry.
I agree with whatās been said. Get your finances in order, copies of paperwork, etc. line up your attorney. Get a counselor for yourself. Then tell him itās time for him to get out.
I know that marriage counseling seems to be something you should do, but I struggle with it being useful at this point because itās clear he wants his freedom to pursue the other woman. Is he going to put forth the effort and work, or will he do it just to say he did?
I would do these things and then tell the kids. I might consider getting through the holidays first (and it might take that long to get all of your ducks in a row anyway), but waiting until May is a terrible idea.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by peaname on Nov 13, 2021 19:09:06 GMT
Adult and near adult children can and should understand that marriage is work and itās okay to seek help itās okay to reconcile itās okay to divorce I donāt see a reason to keep secrets.
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