artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,051 
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Post by artbabe on Dec 19, 2021 16:03:35 GMT
One of my best friends is a man. I actually found him on OKCupid, dated him briefly, and then we decided that just didn't work- no romantic feelings at all. This was about 5 or 6 years ago.
So we were hanging out. We go for a drink somewhere or go to his house to watch TV.
He has this on and off relationship. I don't know much about it- we don't talk about relationships much. All I know is he gets together with her, it doesn't work out, they break up. A month later he is back with her, lather, rinse, repeat. He is kind of a mess, actually. One of the reasons I'm not interested in him. I think he should find another girlfriend- any relationship that is that much work is not worth it- but I keep my opinion to myself. He obviously is into her.
She is uncomfortable with us being friends. I can understand that. So when they are together I don't get together with him and we don't text much- just an occasional "how has your week been?" That is fine. When they are apart we hang out a lot. I enjoy having someone to hang out with but I have a lot of girl friends so I don't need him for a social life. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends so I think I am most of his social life when he is not dating her.
I just put myself in her place and yeah, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my hypothetical boyfriend hanging out with a friend that is a woman. I definitely would be suspicious.
I'm not looking for advice or anything- I'm pretty content with the way things are. I've had a lot of friends go through my life and I imagine we will just drift away eventually. I just think it is an interesting situation.
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Post by busy on Dec 19, 2021 16:12:30 GMT
I have plenty of close male friends - some who have been friends since high school and some more recent.
I’m glad they didn’t pick partners who won’t “allow” friends who are women. I’d never have married my husband if he wanted me to give up my friends because he was suspicious or insecure. He trusts me and I trust him (he’s got female friends too).
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Post by gar on Dec 19, 2021 16:14:07 GMT
Yeah, we’re a funny species aren’t we 😊
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 19, 2021 16:52:36 GMT
Up until dh cheated, I would have had no problem with it.
In future relationships, I think it will probably bother me.
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Post by Rainy_Day_Woman on Dec 19, 2021 16:55:42 GMT
I have male friends, and my husband has female friends. DH hangs out with some of the women in his Muay Thai classes pretty regularily (Which I like, because there is only so much that I can watch Muay Thai videos with him!). It doesn't bother either of us. She feels insecure about it, which makes sense given that they are so hot and cold. In a previous relationship, I was sometimes suspicious of my boyfriend's female friends, and I was right to be because he was sleeping with them  so I guess it depends on the relationship. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Dec 19, 2021 17:09:13 GMT
One of my best friends is a man. We have been friends for 15 years and done a lot of traveling together. We always have a great time together and there have never been any romantic inclinations for either of us. He got married 2 years ago and that's about the last I've seen of him. Apparently, his wife is only comfortable with our friendship if she is present when we hang out. I am not opposed to her hanging out, but the distrust and "supervision" aspect of what was said really bothered me so the friendship has really petered out which is sad.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 19, 2021 17:15:56 GMT
I might feel differently if it was a situation where my partner was friends with a female prior to our relationship and appeared to be nothing more than just friends (no flirting, no previous romantic relationship, etc). But I can't say that I have ever been in that situation. I haven't been friends with a guy and none of my boyfriends (or my husband) have had close friendships with females. Generally speaking, I think it is a bad idea, especially if it is a new relationship. It is too easy to cross boundaries when talking about your current relationship and so on. I like the ideas given in "Not Just Friends" in regards to safeguarding your relationship.
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Post by auntkelly on Dec 19, 2021 17:28:55 GMT
I have no problem w/ my husband having female friends. However, I would probably object if he wanted to hang out at a female friend's house when there was no one else there but my husband and his friend.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,478
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Dec 19, 2021 17:29:07 GMT
Zero problem with male/female friends.
My issue comes in when it is a best friend situation. IMO that is a much more intimate/emotional relationship and it would be hard for me to be ok with that based on previous experiences.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Dec 19, 2021 17:30:01 GMT
I have several male friends and most of the time there aren’t any issues with our partner’s distrust, but it has come up a time or two over the years. The ones that bother me are a few work colleagues who have agreements with their spouses not to be alone with a woman so I always have to find someone else to join if I want to go to lunch with them or work late.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,548
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Post by Just T on Dec 19, 2021 17:36:41 GMT
Well, I used to not care that my husband had friends who were women. Even women friends who he traveled with in large groups to go to marathons. I never gave it a thought, to be honest. Stupid me.
Let's just say he has broken that trust I had in him, and now, yep, I absolutely have a problem with him having women friends.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 19, 2021 17:38:30 GMT
Well, I used to not care that my husband had friends who were women. Even women friends who he traveled with in large groups to go to marathons. I never gave it a thought, to be honest. Stupid me. Let's just say he has broken that trust I had in him, and now, yep, I absolutely have a problem with him having women friends. I'm sorry. It sucks |
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Post by Clair on Dec 19, 2021 17:39:20 GMT
I have plenty of close male friends - some who have been friends since high school and some more recent. I’m glad they didn’t pick partners who won’t “allow” friends who are women. I’d never have married my husband if he wanted me to give up my friends because he was suspicious or insecure. He trusts me and I trust him (he’s got female friends too). This WAS me….I trusted him - he trusted me. Only one of us was trustworthy and he was having a long term affair with one of the friends. He actually told me - I shouldn’t have trusted him. I’ve been through hell and back but survived the breakup of a 30 year marriage. Im now jaded and wouldn’t like it but for me, I know I can easily just be friends with a man. |
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Post by katlady on Dec 19, 2021 17:39:22 GMT
I have always had male friends, both as a kid and as an adult. I go to (or used to when we were in the office) go to lunch with them. My SO knows, he has met them. But, I don't consider any of them my "best friend" and we really never text/call/talk outside of work. Except for one guy who sort of became really good friends with SO. They now do guy things together, while the other wife and I do our girl thing. LOL! I know my SO has female friends at work, which I am fine with. We don't hide our friendships from each other.
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Post by Clair on Dec 19, 2021 17:41:03 GMT
Well, I used to not care that my husband had friends who were women. Even women friends who he traveled with in large groups to go to marathons. I never gave it a thought, to be honest. Stupid me. Let's just say he has broken that trust I had in him, and now, yep, I absolutely have a problem with him having women friends. I'm sorry. It sucks I am sorry. Im part of this club too. |
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,714
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Dec 19, 2021 17:42:26 GMT
I have several male friends as we are part of a group of friends who are single and simply hang together. I often make a "soup night" with the 3 guys and then play euchre afterwards.
Sometimes, they come alone.
Sometimes they vacuum my place as I still find it hard to do, since my surgery.
Sometimes one or more of my girl-friends (part of this group) join and go out for dinner or go in the one guy's hot-tub.
Whatever.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 6:35:33 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2021 18:44:01 GMT
The only male friends I have are gay. DH & I had this discussion many, many times, as he had more female friends than male! Our rule was that if you were married or dated or slept with that person, it's almost impossible to be friends (with NO strings).
Still, some friends do fall for their longterm friend out of the blue. It's up to your partner to speak the truth. Maybe his partner is afraid that he'd keep it from her??
My fear stemmed from past partners lying to me. When DH and I were just dating, he was 'friends' with his ex-wife. Yeah, I saw right through that. She wanted to keep him on the backburner when she felt needy. She found out about me (they were emptying their house that they moved out of a while ago) and she hit on him that night!!!!!!! She had him drive her (and her stuff) to her apartment and she had the nerve to ask him, "Do you wanna come upstairs and sleep here?" He told me that he was very clearcut and he said, "NO, I'm in a good relationship and we'd never cheat on each other. I wouldn't even want to." I believed him. She continued to try to "get him" to sleep with her, even when I was closeby. Unreal.
So.... your male friend is either not clearcut with his gf or she isn't completely comfortable with him around women. I get it. It's not you; it's him and it's her insecurity.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Dec 19, 2021 21:30:02 GMT
No problem with opposite sex friends.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,548
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Post by Just T on Dec 19, 2021 21:35:57 GMT
I am sorry. Im part of this club too. It does suck. Hugely sucks. I'm sorry for anyone in this situation.  I haven't really shared about it here; I'm just not ready to do that. But yeah...it sucks. We had our 35th anniversary this year. I am certainly not where I thought my life would be when I am almost 60 years old. |
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 20, 2021 0:56:17 GMT
I have always had close male friends and some of them are exes. My husband may be bothered but I do not change my friendships for his preferences. If someone is bothered by your friendship then I'm sorry about that but I would never end a friendship because of someone else's jealousy or discomfort.
My husband has female friends, mostly teacher coworkers. I don't care. Everyone needs friends.
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 20, 2021 1:11:13 GMT
I have close male friends. Some are even exes.
I have dated both men and women, so if I could not be friends with anyone with whom there was any theoretical romantic potential, I would have no friends.
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Post by Zee on Dec 20, 2021 2:33:13 GMT
I'm not friends with any man other than ones I work with, who are mostly young enough to be my kids, or casual Facebook friends from school that live hundreds of miles away.
In the past, we have had a lot of issues in our marriage and it's just best for both of us if we don't socialize alone with members of the opposite sex. Certainly I'm not saying it's not possible, just that we have made certain allowances for each other's feelings on the matter and there are no more "just friends".
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so I guess it depends on the relationship.
