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Post by shescrafty on Jan 5, 2022 0:06:28 GMT
Last year I wrote about my son and lying to us and failing his classes. His school let him continue with his scholarship this year, so we allowed him to go. He is very involved with sailing, intramural sports, and has a lovely girlfriend. Unfortunately he never pulled his grades up and has Cs and Ds. None of the info has been forthcoming from him, we had to pull it out of him. This last semester he met with a therapist. Started last summer here in person and then went to online visits. He was never totally honest with him. His grades start out great and then he stops doing work. This is the same pattern since he was in high school. Finally seeing his grades today (that he lied to us about yet again) we have decided that we are throwing money away with this. It is a small private college that has small class sizes. Out of pocket we are paying about $40,000 a year. Now he is applying for full time jobs but I don’t even know what he is qualified for. There is no yelling or screaming, just the talk that we aren’t allowing ourselves to be used in this manner. My heart breaks for him but college isn’t his path right now.  |
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Post by littlemama on Jan 5, 2022 0:09:26 GMT
I dont have any words of wisdom, but I understand your feelings and Im sorry for your pain.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,528 
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jan 5, 2022 0:09:40 GMT
That is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,938
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Post by pilcas on Jan 5, 2022 0:12:03 GMT
I am sorry. It’s a tough situation. Perhaps sometime down the future he will be ready.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jan 5, 2022 0:12:12 GMT
I'm surprised the school didn't yank the scholarship because of his grades. Back in the day you had to maintain a pretty high GPA to qualify and maintain.
Don't beat yourself up, it is time to let him manage his life.
I'm sorry he continues to disappoint you. Big hugs.
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Post by tenacious on Jan 5, 2022 0:15:13 GMT
I am so sorry. I have a 20 year old DS that struggles, and, luckily his apartment/campus are only 20 minutes away, so we have been able to keep close tabs on him.
It is so frustrating and scary when a child’s path does not match what you had hoped for, but, sometimes it works out best in the end. There is more than one way to get to a place of independence and security, and I wish peace for you, and a clear path lined with lessons and good mentors for your son.
(Hugs)
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Post by flanz on Jan 5, 2022 0:17:43 GMT
I'm sorry.
As hard as it is, it seems you're making the right call for all of you.
I hope your son finds a path to happiness and independence.
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Post by shescrafty on Jan 5, 2022 0:18:39 GMT
I'm surprised the school didn't yank the scholarship because of his grades. Back in the day you had to maintain a pretty high GPA to qualify and maintain. Don't beat yourself up, it is time to let him manage his life. I'm sorry he continues to disappoint you. Big hugs. That is what we thought as well. But due to covid they allowed it for this year. Technically they will still allow it for the spring semester, but we (and especially my husband) are done spending the money. |
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Post by mom on Jan 5, 2022 0:19:07 GMT
I was thinking of your son not long ago. I am sorry it isn't working out like you hoped. Many of us Peas have been there in various ways with our kids. Its not a reflection of you though -- please remember that. He will find his path, it just may take a bit longer and have more bumps.
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Post by elaine on Jan 5, 2022 0:19:12 GMT
(((Hugs))) I agree that college isn’t his path right now.
Dh & I have struggled with similar issues with our son who is able to go. And our mantra has been “we can’t want college for him more than he wants it himself.”
I hope that your son is able to find his way in his own time. As a parent it is so hard to watch.
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 5, 2022 0:28:47 GMT
No words of my wisdom, but I am sorry things are not going the way you had hoped.
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Post by lucyg on Jan 5, 2022 0:34:09 GMT
I was thinking of your son not long ago. I am sorry it isn't working out like you hoped. Many of us Peas have been there in various ways with our kids. Its not a reflection of you though -- please remember that. He will find his path, it just may take a bit longer and have more bumps. Mom said it all. I concur. And I’m sorry for your heartbreak. He has an extra burden to deal with, just as my son did, but it’s time for him to find his own way now. |
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Post by zima on Jan 5, 2022 0:36:50 GMT
I'm sorry. I hope he finds joy and purpose, in whatever way is meaningful to him.
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sarahruby
Full Member
Posts: 300
Jul 1, 2014 0:40:17 GMT
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Post by sarahruby on Jan 5, 2022 0:36:56 GMT
Last year I wrote about my son and lying to us and failing his classes. His school let him continue with his scholarship this year, so we allowed him to go. He is very involved with sailing, intramural sports, and has a lovely girlfriend. Unfortunately he never pulled his grades up and has Cs and Ds. None of the info has been forthcoming from him, we had to pull it out of him. This last semester he met with a therapist. Started last summer here in person and then went to online visits. He was never totally honest with him. His grades start out great and then he stops doing work. This is the same pattern since he was in high school. Finally seeing his grades today (that he lied to us about yet again) we have decided that we are throwing money away with this. It is a small private college that has small class sizes. Out of pocket we are paying about $40,000 a year. Now he is applying for full time jobs but I don’t even know what he is qualified for. There is no yelling or screaming, just the talk that we aren’t allowing ourselves to be used in this manner. My heart breaks for him but college isn’t his path right now.  You are not alone - I can relate to your post. DS completed 1 year and a semester of college. He is now working with his employer to get full time hours. We are not thrilled with how he ended college - he had a generous scholarship. I know DS will figure things out - he is really good with computers which is part of his job. Honestly, I'd rather have my son tell me he needs time now, then 3 years in. While our situations are a little different OP, I can relate to what you are feeling. I am praying for DS, it's all I can do. I'm just grateful he took computers at vo-tech his junior year. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 5, 2022 0:39:02 GMT
I'm sorry that he has failed, and that you are disappointed in him. I would be pretty pissed off about the money, that's for sure. I am sure that he will find his feet, and everything will work out okay. Even if he has to do a basic job for a while until he gets his act together.
FWIW, my son was not at all interested in school and barely did any work either. Year 10 was an absolute nightmare for us all. There was never any plan for him to go to university, we all knew it would be a waste of his money (kids here pay for their own uni through a government loan). We moved him to a trade school for Year 11, and it was a lot better. He has now left school, he will not do Year 12, instead he will get an apprenticeship. We couldn't be happier! Hopefully your son will find something he is interested in as well.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,566
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Post by anniebeth24 on Jan 5, 2022 0:43:06 GMT
Sorry you're going through this. Hoping he finds his path soon.
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Post by nine on Jan 5, 2022 0:45:30 GMT
Oh dear. Sorry for your disappointment. I’ve had a similar experience and know it sucks.
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,783
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jan 5, 2022 0:54:09 GMT
You are giving him a gift. He doesn’t see it right now, but he will one day.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 5, 2022 1:03:17 GMT
How frustrating. I’m sure he will find his way eventually. Some kids seem to need to take a roundabout path to figure out what they want to do in order to get where they’re going.
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Post by flanz on Jan 5, 2022 1:03:25 GMT
I was thinking of your son not long ago. I am sorry it isn't working out like you hoped. Many of us Peas have been there in various ways with our kids. Its not a reflection of you though -- please remember that. He will find his path, it just may take a bit longer and have more bumps. I agree! And not everyone needs to go to college to live a happy life. |
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anaterra
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Posts: 3,858
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Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Jan 5, 2022 1:09:09 GMT
((((Big hug))))
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Post by allison1954 on Jan 5, 2022 1:17:10 GMT
I must be out of touch
You pay 40k on top of his scholarship?
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Post by Merge on Jan 5, 2022 1:23:15 GMT
I’m very sorry. I know he’ll find his way, though. Hugs.
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Post by krcrafts on Jan 5, 2022 1:25:48 GMT
Our dd kept getting low grades and we felt like we were wasting money, so we stopped paying for it. She took some time off, worked, found a way to pay for it and graduated. It was a 2 yr degree and now she has a full time job that is paying 100% tuition and she’s going for her bachelors. I’m very proud of how hard she’s worked. Sometimes it just takes time for them to figure it out.
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Jan 5, 2022 1:42:19 GMT
He'll find his way, college or no college. Two of my kids have 4 year degrees and one does not. All three are employed and doing well. The one who does not have a degree bought a house at age 23. There are many paths to being successful...and happy. It might not be what you envisioned, but he has to figure it out. Just be there to listen and offer advice.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 5, 2022 1:56:12 GMT
He might decide to go back. One of my nephews didn’t want to go to college. He got a job for a year or two working in restaurants and giving music lessons, and ultimately decided that he wanted to go after all. I think that he did a lot of growing up after he had to pay some of his own expenses.
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Post by shescrafty on Jan 5, 2022 1:56:21 GMT
I must be out of touch You pay 40k on top of his scholarship? Yup Small private college that we thought was going to be what he needed. We are out the money but honestly we aren’t focusing on that on top of just the emotional strain. It is a lot but we only have one college education to pay for and that was what we had decided. He paid for most of his first year from a good internship he had, so we have not been out as much. He has also paid us $7000 from working last summer. He is a really good worker. Has had a job since he was 16 (park counselor, server at a senior center, sailing coach, driver for Kona Ice, and a government internship). The truck he has is 18 years old. He knows how to work, but the following through on classes a d school work is just not there. |
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 5, 2022 1:59:36 GMT
My heart breaks for him but college isn’t his path right now. I'm asking as gently as possible, but is he heartbroken about leaving college right now? I think you are giving him a gift by pulling his financial support if he is failing. He has to figure this out and it might take a few years, but with the pressure off it might be just what he needs. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned a classmate who dropped out in the 11th grade and went on to eventually get a PhD and become an international expert in his science field. Another failed his first year of college before getting it together a few years later and becoming a dentist. FWIW, I did finish my first degree knowing it wasn't going to be my career because I didn't want to deal with my parents' questions (even though I was paying). DH was in his early 30s before he figured it out. IMHO, COVID has made it even harder for kids in college right now. I know a number who are taking a year off, changing majors and otherwise frustrating their parents. My nephew is one of them. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jan 5, 2022 2:08:17 GMT
My heart breaks for him but college isn’t his path right now. I'm asking as gently as possible, but is he heartbroken about leaving college right now? I think you are giving him a gift by pulling his financial support if he is failing. He has to figure this out and it might take a few years, but with the pressure off it might be just what he needs. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned a classmate who dropped out in the 11th grade and went on to eventually get a PhD and become an international expert in his science field. Another failed his first year of college before getting it together a few years later and becoming a dentist. FWIW, I did finish my first degree knowing it wasn't going to be my career because I didn't want to deal with my parents' questions (even though I was paying). DH was in his early 30s before he figured it out. IMHO, COVID has made it even harder for kids in college right now. I know a number who are taking a year off, changing majors and otherwise frustrating their parents. My nephew is one of them. Yes he seems to be. He likes the freedom and the fun part of it. The pics and communication to us about non-academic things was great. I had not seen him really happy since 2020 when the pandemic hit. |
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,183
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 5, 2022 2:17:07 GMT
I totally understand not wanting to pay so much money and not have good results.
You say he’s a good worker - and honestly, that’s a huge plus. I’d be a lot more concerned if he just wanted to lie around playing video games. If he’s a worker who has been successful at different jobs then he’s in a much better position than lots of others his age.
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