used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036 
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 4:54:02 GMT
Ok Peas I need some perspective
If you were a single parent coming from overseas to the US for work visit, and bringing your 4 yo child, would you a) expect grandma to pay to fly to city that you were working in and stay in a one bedroom flat with the preschooler in same room (mom on sleeper sofa) for three weeks
Or b) spend an extra day/money to fly preschooler to city with extended family to watch child for the three weeks with aunts/uncles/cousins then fly onto work city for the childless three weeks
Or c) have grandma fly to work city then fly preschooler back to family city for the three weeks
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Post by kitkath on Feb 4, 2022 5:01:39 GMT
I would let the Grandma decide what she wants to do, but B seems the easiest.
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Post by Skellinton on Feb 4, 2022 5:03:57 GMT
Ok Peas I need some perspective If you were a single parent coming from overseas to the US for work visit, and bringing your 4 yo child, would you a) expect grandma to pay to fly to city that you were working in and stay in a one bedroom flat with the preschooler in same room (mom on sleeper sofa) for three weeks Or b) spend an extra day/money to fly preschooler to city with extended family to watch child for the three weeks with aunts/uncles/cousins then fly onto work city for the childless three weeks Or c) have grandma fly to work city then fly preschooler back to family city for the three weeks Probably none of the above. First off, how familiar is 4 year old with grandma and extended family? 3 weeks might be a bit long for a 4 year old to be away from mom if this is not a normal occurrence and this is the first time. I would think the best solution, of the ones you listed, is for grandma to fly to city but don’t think a one bedroom flat is a great idea and would seriously try to figure out another option. I also don’t think Grandma should pay, but that depends on mother’s financial situation. |
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tracylynn
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Post by tracylynn on Feb 4, 2022 5:05:58 GMT
I agree with letting Grandma decide.
If it's the option that Grandma comes and stays, get a bigger place so both adults have an actual bedroom and an actual bed.
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Post by voltagain on Feb 4, 2022 5:07:15 GMT
So much depends on the child. I assume grandma is a virtual stranger to the child. Child maybe happier being able to connect with mom after her work shift. But if mom is counting on grandma/extended family to be the child care she needs to do what works for them.
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 4, 2022 5:09:25 GMT
If you were a single parent coming from overseas to the US for work visit, and bringing your 4 yo child, would you a) expect grandma to pay to fly to city that you were working in and stay in a one bedroom flat with the preschooler in same room (mom on sleeper sofa) for three weeks Or b) spend an extra day/money to fly preschooler to city with extended family to watch child for the three weeks with aunts/uncles/cousins then fly onto work city for the childless three weeks Or c) have grandma fly to work city then fly preschooler back to family city for the three weeks Without any more detailed information, i would pick a), given that neither of my kids at age 4 had spent more than a night away from me. I couldn't imagine leaving them in a different city with what sounds like essentially strangers for 3 weeks. |
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Post by voltagain on Feb 4, 2022 5:09:50 GMT
Mom also needs to know if her lease allows her to have a visitor for three weeks. 2 adults and a child may be more people than is allowed in a 1 bedroom apartment. She doesn't want to get kicked out for having a person not on her lease staying over the noted visitors allowed time.
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Post by katlady on Feb 4, 2022 5:14:33 GMT
I would leave it up to Grandma, but I don't like the word "expect" in option A. Totally Grandma's choice and I wouldn't expect her to pay for airfare when she will be doing the mom a favor by providing babysitting duties for 3 weeks.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 5:23:35 GMT
Mom also needs to know if her lease allows her to have a visitor for three weeks. 2 adults and a child may be more people than is allowed in a 1 bedroom apartment. She doesn't want to get kicked out for having a person not on her lease staying over the noted visitors allowed time. Not an apt a rental condo/hotel Mom is military so an extended deployment could happen anytime. Mother makes far more money then grandma who lives on social security and a small portion of ex husband pension. 4 yo is not familiar with grandma or extended family except over computer video. |
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Post by voltagain on Feb 4, 2022 5:29:04 GMT
Mom also needs to know if her lease allows her to have a visitor for three weeks. 2 adults and a child may be more people than is allowed in a 1 bedroom apartment. She doesn't want to get kicked out for having a person not on her lease staying over the noted visitors allowed time. Not an apt a rental condo/hotel Mom is military so an extended deployment could happen anytime. Mother makes far more money then grandma who lives on social security and a small portion of ex husband pension. No matter if it is a condo, hotel or what she needs to let the leasing office know there are two adults and a child staying there. Otherwise she may end up evicted with no notice. If mom has the greater income then mom needs to pony up the money or find a childcare in the area. Single parents in the US military are expected to have a deployment plan filed with thier command. They can't just wing it and figure out what to do at the last minute. Mom sounds like a real user. |
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Post by ntsf on Feb 4, 2022 6:03:45 GMT
I have to say I left my two 4 yr olds with grandparents for a month (they didn't know each other at all).plus a 6 yr old.. but I left them at my home.. so at least something was familiar. I would rather grandma stayed in the family home with the kid. and mom could fly off for 3 weeks of deployment.
I would fly to city with family and pay for grandma to fly there too as the second choice.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 4, 2022 6:24:01 GMT
I wouldn’t be able to be away from my child for 3 weeks.
So I wouldn’t *expect* grandma to do a, but I would ask and be grateful if she would.
***with the change that I would pay for at least part of it if I could
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 6:37:27 GMT
I wouldn’t be able to be away from my child for 3 weeks. So I wouldn’t *expect* grandma to do a, but I would ask and be grateful if she would. ***with the change that I would pay for at least part of it if I could If you can’t pay for part of it though, how would you afford non family child care in this situation? A plane ticket or even half is far less then three weeks of 12 hour a day nannying right? |
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Post by katiejane on Feb 4, 2022 7:49:00 GMT
It depends on the family. If the child does not know grandma or extended family they are both gonna be tough. Limiting the negative impact on the child is the primary consideration, rather than what's easiest. Its gonna be a juggle between the child's needs and how they can be met with the finances and what is practical. So its a decision to be made between the parties involved considering that.
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Post by gillyp on Feb 4, 2022 8:24:17 GMT
Who normally takes care of the child during the day while mom is at work? Could mom pay that person to stay with child in their own home? Or fly g/ma to the child’s home so routine is as normal as possible for child?
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Post by elaine on Feb 4, 2022 12:10:53 GMT
I wouldn’t be able to be away from my child for 3 weeks. So I wouldn’t *expect* grandma to do a, but I would ask and be grateful if she would. ***with the change that I would pay for at least part of it if I could If you can’t pay for part of it though, how would you afford non family child care in this situation? A plane ticket or even half is far less then three weeks of 12 hour a day nannying right? Where is the closest military base to work city? Military bases have childcare which is a sliding scale based on mom’s military salary. Mom’s chain of command should be helping solve this situation, even if it is putting her in touch with the military resource offices (housing, etc.) that can help with this. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 4, 2022 12:22:27 GMT
If you can’t pay for part of it though, how would you afford non family child care in this situation? A plane ticket or even half is far less then three weeks of 12 hour a day nannying right? Where is the closest military base to work city? Military bases have childcare which is a sliding scale based on mom’s military salary. Mom’s chain of command should be helping solve this situation, even if it is putting her in touch with the military resource offices (housing, etc.) that can help with this. This is a possibility, depending on if there is a spot for the child. Because of COVID restrictions and fewer spots, getting a spot could be really difficult. We are seeing that here and there aren’t enough spots for dual military families (which have the highest priority). Everyone else has been left scrambling for childcare. In an ideal world, I would say that mom rents a place with 2 bedrooms and pays to fly grandma to the work city. I’m 54 and I would not agree to spend 3 weeks sleeping on a sofa bed. I wouldn’t be able to move after 3 days of that. An alternative arrangement would be for mom to fly to grandma and spend a few days there before leaving the child and flying on to the work city. But at 4, I’d only left my kids once for an overnight and my kids knew their caregiver. I doubt that it would work well to dump the child and run. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Feb 4, 2022 14:03:51 GMT
I think three weeks is a long time to leave a 4 year old with someone else. I would probably try to split the time between having the child stay with grandma in her town and grandma staying in the town the mother is in and watching the child. But I also wouldn't really like having to sleep on a couch for a long period of time. That being said, I think there are a lot of other factors at play as well--health of the grandma, personalities, relationship dynamics, etc.
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Post by ameslou on Feb 4, 2022 14:04:04 GMT
Did I follow correctly that mom is a single parent, military and could have an extended deployment at any time? If I got that right - what’s the child care plan if a deployment happens? That might influence my planning for the current trip, esp if one of the care givers is in the US.
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Post by maryland on Feb 4, 2022 14:23:47 GMT
I wouldn't expect someone to pay if they are doing a favor. But maybe I don't understand the situation.
Is there childcare in the area the parent is going to? If it's with the military, do they have military childcare at the place he or she will be working? If so, maybe that's easier than staying with a relative the child doesn't know. It's hard without more information, so maybe my suggestions wouldn't work.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 4, 2022 16:01:33 GMT
I wouldn't expect someone to pay if they are doing a favor. But maybe I don't understand the situation. Is there childcare in the area the parent is going to? If it's with the military, do they have military childcare at the place he or she will be working? If so, maybe that's easier than staying with a relative the child doesn't know. It's hard without more information, so maybe my suggestions wouldn't work. It’s not a usual occurrence for a person who is On Temporary Duty (TDY) or a short term deployment to put their child in the local CDC. If there is an opening (due to illness or a vacation day), they will fill those spots with call-ins. You call in the morning and see if they have a spot that day for your kid. Some CDCs also have one room with spots that can book if you have a doctor’s appointment or the like. Those can typically be booked one day at a time, a week out. However, I’m not sure that they are doing these temporary one-day placements with covid. And the mom can’t count on the spots for 3 weeks straight or even 3 days in a row. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 4, 2022 16:13:40 GMT
I'd probably split the difference. Fly grandma out for a week to week and a half staying in an appropriately sized location where everyone has beds and then have grandma take kid back to extended family for second half of trip. That way child has more time getting comfortable with grandma and has an opportunity to meet extended family. Bonus mom also gets a chance to see extended family before going back overseas.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Feb 4, 2022 16:20:19 GMT
I'm not sure I understand all the ins and outs of what's going on, but I wouldn't expect anyone but myself to pay anything. You need childcare, so YOU should pay the costs. Pay for Grandma to fly to you, or you pay to fly to Grandma.
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Feb 4, 2022 17:11:19 GMT
Mom also needs to know if her lease allows her to have a visitor for three weeks. 2 adults and a child may be more people than is allowed in a 1 bedroom apartment. She doesn't want to get kicked out for having a person not on her lease staying over the noted visitors allowed time. Not an apt a rental condo/hotel Mom is military so an extended deployment could happen anytime. Mother makes far more money then grandma who lives on social security and a small portion of ex husband pension. 4 yo is not familiar with grandma or extended family except over computer video. So what does mom usually do with child during the day? Or during a deployment? Sounds concerning that the 4 yo isn't familiar with family...who is to take care of her if mom isn't around? As to if grandma watched in area mom would be, I wouldn't be annoyed so much by cramped quarters, but mom should be paying her way! Many years ago when my sister got married (destination wedding) we had small children. WE paid MIL's way so that she could come and help us with the kids. Mom needs help with the kid, she should be paying for grandma's expenses. |
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Post by myshelly on Feb 4, 2022 17:14:36 GMT
I wouldn’t be able to be away from my child for 3 weeks. So I wouldn’t *expect* grandma to do a, but I would ask and be grateful if she would. ***with the change that I would pay for at least part of it if I could If you can’t pay for part of it though, how would you afford non family child care in this situation? A plane ticket or even half is far less then three weeks of 12 hour a day nannying right? I don’t know, I need more details. Is grandma coming specifically for childcare or is it more of a you can visit and provide childcare win/win situation? If not for grandma, what would childcare arrangements be? Is there childcare at or through a base? Or would mom be leaving the child behind with someone if not for visiting grandma? |
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Post by Linda on Feb 4, 2022 18:20:07 GMT
if mum is military (either single parent or dual-military) - there should be a childcare plan in place ...not just where does kid go when mum's working but where does kid go if mum gets deployed or sent on TDY (both of which can be on very short notice). I'm more than a little surprised that a) that isn't in place and b) she's able to take the kid on TDY.
That said - I wouldn't expect grandma to provide child care especially if she doesn't really know the child or to have to pay to do such a favour (esp. on a fixed income). If grandma is able and willing to provide childcare, then the mum should pay all expenses including offering to cover food etc...
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 19:05:26 GMT
Did I follow correctly that mom is a single parent, military and could have an extended deployment at any time? If I got that right - what’s the child care plan if a deployment happens? That might influence my planning for the current trip, esp if one of the care givers is in the US. I am pretty darn sure she doesn’t have one which is a whole other thread. |
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 19:07:11 GMT
If you can’t pay for part of it though, how would you afford non family child care in this situation? A plane ticket or even half is far less then three weeks of 12 hour a day nannying right? Where is the closest military base to work city? Military bases have childcare which is a sliding scale based on mom’s military salary. Mom’s chain of command should be helping solve this situation, even if it is putting her in touch with the military resource offices (housing, etc.) that can help with this. Mom is absolutely an appropriate rank that she has the means and knowledge to address childcare issues, she just doesn’t seem to want to. |
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 19:10:43 GMT
I think three weeks is a long time to leave a 4 year old with someone else. I would probably try to split the time between having the child stay with grandma in her town and grandma staying in the town the mother is in and watching the child. But I also wouldn't really like having to sleep on a couch for a long period of time. That being said, I think there are a lot of other factors at play as well--health of the grandma, personalities, relationship dynamics, etc. Apparently Mom is taking the couch and expects grandma to room with the toddler. Idk generally the toddler co sleeps with mom and there are lots of complaints about unrestful nights so I imagine grandma ends up on the couch eventually. The whole thing seems to be a shit show but normal for my toxic family hence asking for perspectives here lol. |
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used2scrap
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Post by used2scrap on Feb 4, 2022 19:14:24 GMT
Who normally takes care of the child during the day while mom is at work? Could mom pay that person to stay with child in their own home? Or fly g/ma to the child’s home so routine is as normal as possible for child? She attends preschool. Grandma is not up for international travel to get to child’s home/be in another country for three weeks. |
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