bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 19:53:34 GMT
When traveling with family, and an event comes up where everyone is expected to split the cost - a special meal, family photos, an activity- and one family can't contribute do you cover for them?
If they can't contribute do you (the family) say I'm sorry we can't attend (like for dinner) or not participate?
What about if they CAN contribute, but refuse to? do you (as the planner) say fine you're not invited to dinner/we ask that you pose for the large family photo but not add your individual family to the shot list?
Or do you (as the planner) grumble, suck it up and ask the other families to help cover the extra costs.
isn't family fun? sigh.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 14, 2022 19:57:40 GMT
Honestly, we’ve never split anything as a family. The eldest family member just pays for everything.
We’ve done family vacations, family meals, family photos.
When my great grandmother was alive she covered everyone’s costs for everything through beach trips, Disney trips, more special meals out than I can count. Then when she passed my grandparents did, now that they’re gone, my dad does.
Same on DH’s side of the family. Uncle is the oldest generation (he has no kids of his own) and he pays for everything 100% of the time.
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Feb 14, 2022 19:59:56 GMT
Depends on the situation.
Is this a habit? Is it important to ME that they participate and they're willing just financially can't? Is it extended family or closer like adult kids?
One of our DDs is a single mom. All of our kids are young adults. We often pick up the tab because we can afford to and they can't. Sometimes we split it and we pick up DDs because she simply can't and it's important to US that she participates. With my own kids, and because I'm in a position where I can afford more than they can, I usually pick up the bill.
With extended family I have a more 'if you can afford to join us, that would be great and if you can't, we'll miss you' attitude. If it's a family photo session I would expect them to be in the family photo but I'm not paying a fee for their individual family. I can see where they may want their individual family shot with the intent to purchase photos later (if it's not an additional charge).
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 14, 2022 20:01:55 GMT
I think it’s one thing if they truly can’t afford it vs. if they’re just being cheap and don’t want to pay their share. For the former, I would see how the other family members feel about covering their share. For the latter, I really wouldn’t want to cough up extra just because someone else is too cheap to pay.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Feb 14, 2022 20:09:37 GMT
No expectations. We just discuss each situation first, and decide based on what people say. Sometimes every household pays its own way, sometimes the host pays it all, sometimes people decide that they can't spare the money and won't let anyone help, and they don't attend. Some family members are quite happy to let others pay and we know they won't attend if the bill is being split. That's OK. Most of us are more likely to be like in Father Ted where we're fighting to pay the bill rather than sneaking off to the bathrooms to get out of it! But all adults are capable of civilised discussion, so it's never been an issue.
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Post by Merge on Feb 14, 2022 20:13:05 GMT
Eh, depends on the situation. What do you want out of the vacation? If it's important to you that everyone participates in everything, I'd pull aside the other family members and see who is willing to help cover the unwilling family member's costs. Then quietly split the cost between whoever is willing and tell the family member that they don't need to worry about the expense.
If it's not important, then let them sit out of whatever they want to sit out of.
Ultimately, you can only control you. So decide what you want to have happen, and make that happen. The other person's reasons for being unwilling to pay don't really matter in the end.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 20:25:31 GMT
But all adults are capable of civilised discussion, so it's never been an issue. Ultimately, you can only control you. So decide what you want to have happen, and make that happen. The other person's reasons for being unwilling to pay don't really matter in the end. Both of these are so true. family photo session is being planned, I asked that all the siblings split the cost evenly and family politics has now sprung up. I'm over here going I just want to book the photographer. When we were in the situation of being asked to attend a very expensive dinner and pay for ourselves, which we flat out could not do, we declined to go. I felt terrible about it, but we had so little at that time and there was no way we could afford it. Grumbling occurred, and I had to basically say we can't swing it I'm sorry. I was embarrassed and would not wish that on anyone. This is not the case of being unable, but the case of being unwilling. family politics has now come up and sides are being drawn. |
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Post by 950nancy on Feb 14, 2022 20:27:15 GMT
I would think something like family pictures might be covered by the person who wants them taken. If you want specific pictures, your family should pay for the ones you want. If one person/family didn't contribute for things, I'd start to word things differently. Let people know that you're meeting for dinner and everyone is on their own for their part of the check. A vacation? If someone wants to invite the family and pay it all? Sounds great. If one family is going somewhere and doesn't want to pay for everything, then they need to let others know they are going and others are invited to go as well, but they have to finance it.
For us, I can't imagine expecting one family to member to pay for everything once everyone is an adult. I can see grandparents wanting to splurge for a special trip for the family, but other than an occasional trip like that, I wouldn't feel right about expecting someone else to pay for me all of the time. I like contributing.
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Feb 14, 2022 20:31:32 GMT
If they can't contribute do you (the family) say I'm sorry we can't attend (like for dinner) or not participate? If I know they really can't afford it, I would offer to help. But as a dinner, I would think the bill would be split accordingly by the wait staff (I know some places have policies for this, but some don't)
What about if they CAN contribute, but refuse to? do you (as the planner) say fine you're not invited to dinner/we ask that you pose for the large family photo but not add your individual family to the shot list? So there's a dinner before a photo? Is the dinner mandatory, will it cause tension or arguments if people aren't there? The host should pay then... If not, then it's up to whoever is invited if they're going to dinner. And I would think the host/whoever's idea it was for this would pay for the photo session. If people want prints later, they pay for them themselves. Not everyone may want the pictures, so they shouldn't have to pay for some session fees.
Or do you (as the planner) grumble, suck it up and ask the other families to help cover the extra costs. I wouldn't ask other people to help cover costs.
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 14, 2022 20:37:24 GMT
When traveling with family, and an event comes up where everyone is expected to split the cost - a special meal, family photos, an activity- and one family can't contribute do you cover for them? If they can't contribute do you (the family) say I'm sorry we can't attend (like for dinner) or not participate? What about if they CAN contribute, but refuse to? do you (as the planner) say fine you're not invited to dinner/we ask that you pose for the large family photo but not add your individual family to the shot list? Or do you (as the planner) grumble, suck it up and ask the other families to help cover the extra costs. isn't family fun? sigh. I think there are a couple different things going on here as something "coming up" is different from something "planned". FWIW, one of my four siblings is not in a financial position to contribute to anything. He is invited and absorbed into the cost divided amongst the rest of us or we pay his portion if it is easier. My dad is very generous, but doesn't like eating out and would only come along if he felt he had to. He definitely isn't paying. DH's siblings expect MIL to pick up the tab which drives him nuts. He pays if we are with them. If it is something like professional family photos, this may be super important to some family members and completely of absolutely zero interest to others. I would ask the zero interest family to participate in an extended family shot with no expectation that they pay for any of it. Just be thankful they agree to be there. Yes, families are complicated.  |
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Post by busy on Feb 14, 2022 20:43:00 GMT
But all adults are capable of civilised discussion, so it's never been an issue. Ultimately, you can only control you. So decide what you want to have happen, and make that happen. The other person's reasons for being unwilling to pay don't really matter in the end. Both of these are so true. family photo session is being planned, I asked that all the siblings split the cost evenly and family politics has now sprung up. I'm over here going I just want to book the photographer. When we were in the situation of being asked to attend a very expensive dinner and pay for ourselves, which we flat out could not do, we declined to go. I felt terrible about it, but we had so little at that time and there was no way we could afford it. Grumbling occurred, and I had to basically say we can't swing it I'm sorry. I was embarrassed and would not wish that on anyone. This is not the case of being unable, but the case of being unwilling. family politics has now come up and sides are being drawn. A few years ago, I arranged for extended family photos while we were on vacation - my siblings and our families and our parents. It was a gift from DH and I to my parents; we paid for the booking fee and bought them an assortment of prints of the whole group, every family, the grandchildren, just my parents, just the siblings, etc. I did not ask for or expect contributions from anyone else. Everyone was in the photos (I asked before booking to be sure everyone was willing to participate). Two of my brothers bought some prints for themselves. One brother didn't. Even if we were sharing costs for the shoot, I can't imagine excluding one part of the family from photos if they didn't want to pay. Everyone else valued having them in the photos, even if they didn't want to buy photos themselves. |
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Post by Merge on Feb 14, 2022 20:43:44 GMT
But all adults are capable of civilised discussion, so it's never been an issue. Ultimately, you can only control you. So decide what you want to have happen, and make that happen. The other person's reasons for being unwilling to pay don't really matter in the end. Both of these are so true. family photo session is being planned, I asked that all the siblings split the cost evenly and family politics has now sprung up. I'm over here going I just want to book the photographer. When we were in the situation of being asked to attend a very expensive dinner and pay for ourselves, which we flat out could not do, we declined to go. I felt terrible about it, but we had so little at that time and there was no way we could afford it. Grumbling occurred, and I had to basically say we can't swing it I'm sorry. I was embarrassed and would not wish that on anyone. This is not the case of being unable, but the case of being unwilling. family politics has now come up and sides are being drawn. I'm not sure how photographers work these days, but when my family was together several years ago, our photographer charged a sitting fee and then per print ordered. I was the one who wanted the photos, so I paid the sitting fee and for the prints I wanted. My brother and sister each purchased a few prints of their own. I chose a photographer with a sitting fee I felt was reasonable so it wasn't a financial burden for me. In the past, when DH's sister has been unable to afford this or that thing, we've covered it. We routinely cover MIL's expenses at family things because she is on a small fixed income and can't afford extras. It's just easier and keeps the peace. I understand that not every family has a member who can afford to use money to keep the peace, but that's kind of what we've fallen into doing. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 14, 2022 20:53:42 GMT
I know this is sacrilegious on this board of former scrappers, but I'd tread carefully on blowing up the family over pictures. I think some people put way, way more importance on them and setup scenarios that are both expensive and frankly uninteresting to other family members. I showed up in the ridiculous shirts bought by someone else with my family, but there was no way in hell I was paying for that boondoggle. In my mind, taking time out of my vacation to indulge them was payment enough, I had zero interest in any of the pictures.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 14, 2022 21:05:14 GMT
Honestly, we’ve never split anything as a family. The eldest family member just pays for everything. We’ve done family vacations, family meals, family photos. When my great grandmother was alive she covered everyone’s costs for everything through beach trips, Disney trips, more special meals out than I can count. Then when she passed my grandparents did, now that they’re gone, my dad does. Same on DH’s side of the family. Uncle is the oldest generation (he has no kids of his own) and he pays for everything 100% of the time. That must be nice. My mom never would have been able to afford to pay for our entire family (which is huge) to do anything all together much less go on a big family vacation. We were lucky if we got a $50 check for my branch of the family to share for Christmas. The only time MIL paid for us to go on a trip was when DH’s cousin got married in Seattle. She paid for the airfare for all of us (herself, my DH, me, SIL, BIL and their one kid at the time) and two hotel rooms. (Guess who got to share a *smoking* room with MIL? 🤢🤮) If we would have known then what we know now, we would have gladly found a way to pay for our own room because she had to have all the overhead lights on all.night.long. Plus did I mention smoking room? Oh yeah, I did. Super awesome. Now they are all gone so DH is the oldest in his family. His sister is super cheap and has way more money than we do, so there’s no way we’d pay all expenses for her and her whole family. As for my family, I don’t even know if my oldest brother is still alive and quite honestly I don’t care if I never hear from him again. |
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Post by marysue63 on Feb 14, 2022 21:11:57 GMT
When planning things with my family I always take into account how expensive whatever X is going to be. When we've vacationed together I make sure it's within everyone's budget. It's more important to me that we are together vs how nice the place is we are staying (if that makes sense.)
For your situation, if it was important for everyone to be in the picture I would first find out what the naysayer could afford, then try and find someone to fit that budget. If I couldn't I would probably just cover the difference because it's important to ME that everyone is in the picture. If they are just refusing to contribute, I would call them an a$$hole and still cover the costs. Or if it wasn't that important to me then I would just say 'sorry you're going to miss out' and move on.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 21:14:38 GMT
it's just family photos, there is a meal, but I'm staying out of that one besides being ready to pay for our portion.
My original hope was to ask the siblings to split the sitting fee cost, as this is a big family gathering. One sibling can pay, but is refusing to. Other siblings feel like they should be included in the big group shot, but not have individual photos of their family taken.
There is bad blood between the 2 sides, and honestly I don't care nor do I want to get involved. I do think that there is some validity in saying if you don't want to pay the sitting fee, then please be a part of the larger group photo and that's it. The others are reacting to the sentiment behind why this request is being made and not as much on the request itself.
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Deleted
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May 3, 2024 2:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2022 21:20:15 GMT
Depends on the reasoning. Why won’t the sibling contribute? Did they already do something for your parents? Did they already do their own photo session and gifted prints? Even if they can afford it, are they saving that money for something else? I think if I’m the one wanting the photo session, I’d be the one fronting the cost and wouldn’t expect others to. Nice if they do, but if they don’t then I’d be prepared to either nix the photo shoot or pay for it all. I definitely wouldn’t exclude one family member.
ETA: Was typing and didn’t see your post until now. Can you ask the photographer if they would accept one fee for the group session and what they would charge for each family to have a separate session immediately following? Then you can offer the separate session as an add on for those who want to pay for it. I wouldn’t feel bad if one family member chose not to participate in their own separate family session.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 14, 2022 21:29:08 GMT
If there's already bad blood between groups, you KNOW they don't want the actual pictures of the big group. So whoever wants the pictures should just step up and pay for them. I'm thinking of some family members where I'd gladly pay to NOT have to subject myself to pictures with them. Whoever came up with the bright idea of a group photo shoot for a bunch of people who don't actually like each other should pay for it.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 14, 2022 21:30:18 GMT
it's just family photos, there is a meal, but I'm staying out of that one besides being ready to pay for our portion. My original hope was to ask the siblings to split the sitting fee cost, as this is a big family gathering. One sibling can pay, but is refusing to. Other siblings feel like they should be included in the big group shot, but not have individual photos of their family taken. There is bad blood between the 2 sides, and honestly I don't care nor do I want to get involved. I do think that there is some validity in saying if you don't want to pay the sitting fee, then please be a part of the larger group photo and that's it. The others are reacting to the sentiment behind why this request is being made and not as much on the request itself. What does this mean? |
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Post by auntkelly on Feb 14, 2022 21:31:23 GMT
I think it all depends on the circumstances.
If we were planning a big family dinner to celebrate a 50th anniversary and there was a young couple who I knew wanted to go and couldn’t afford it, I’d happily offer to pay their share.
However, if the entire family was vacationing at Disney, for example, and one family member tried to organize a group meal, at one of the more expensive restaurants and one couple opted out, I wouldn’t bug them about it. I think a lot of times when people say “I can’t afford something” they really mean “that is not how I want to spend my money.” I don’t think people should be pressured to spend money on activities they don’t really want to just because someone in the group wants them to.
ETA: I just read your post w/ the additional info. I think the photography session sounds like it will be a disaster. I would cancel it.
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Post by beaglemom on Feb 14, 2022 21:43:19 GMT
We have this problem with dh's family. One sister really doesn't have the money. The other sister is a notorious tightwad, they are both doctors and make very good money. And his parents think dh makes enough so we should pay for things.
We "get" to go to Cabo every other year for Christmas with them. They pay for the place, but we pay for everything else. At the end of trips, his parents come to us and make sure that we are leaving enough in tip for the housecleaners, etc. Yet they cover all of that for his sisters.
The husband in the family that doesn't have much is always talking about how generous my inlaws are, we know that they help them out, but not the extent to which they help them. But for Christmas they bought the tightwad sister and her oldest brand new Mac book pros and her son a Mac desktop. They spend less than $50 total on stuff for our 4 kids.
Families and money are just weird.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 21:44:59 GMT
it's just family photos, there is a meal, but I'm staying out of that one besides being ready to pay for our portion. My original hope was to ask the siblings to split the sitting fee cost, as this is a big family gathering. One sibling can pay, but is refusing to. Other siblings feel like they should be included in the big group shot, but not have individual photos of their family taken. There is bad blood between the 2 sides, and honestly I don't care nor do I want to get involved. I do think that there is some validity in saying if you don't want to pay the sitting fee, then please be a part of the larger group photo and that's it. The others are reacting to the sentiment behind why this request is being made and not as much on the request itself. What does this mean? The family member who is making a stink doesn't like the one who doesn't want to pay. Therefore the fact that they don't want to pay is being turned against them. It's not about the photo, it's about the fact that they don't want to pay and are perfectly happy to let the rest of us chip in but get the photos out of the deal too. |
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 21:46:51 GMT
ETA: I just read your post w/ the additional info. I think the photography session sounds like it will be a disaster. I would cancel it. unfortunately not an option. They can be civil to each other for one afternoon, I don't care if the rest of the week they spend avoiding each other. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 14, 2022 21:53:19 GMT
I think the family member making a stink it over estimating the other family member's desire for a picture - and honestly if this they're going to get a picture they didn't pay for is the big drama, take the advice of several earlier posters of paying just a sitting fee and no one gets pictures unless they pay for them.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Feb 14, 2022 21:55:17 GMT
it's just family photos, there is a meal, but I'm staying out of that one besides being ready to pay for our portion. My original hope was to ask the siblings to split the sitting fee cost, as this is a big family gathering. One sibling can pay, but is refusing to. Other siblings feel like they should be included in the big group shot, but not have individual photos of their family taken. There is bad blood between the 2 sides, and honestly I don't care nor do I want to get involved. I do think that there is some validity in saying if you don't want to pay the sitting fee, then please be a part of the larger group photo and that's it. The others are reacting to the sentiment behind why this request is being made and not as much on the request itself. What does this mean? I have the same question; I don't understand the last question. I am confused, bethany102399 - whose idea was the photo shoot? Who wants it? Is it a gift for mom & dad? I can see not letting the ones who refuse to contribute get individual shots. If they don't like that, they can pay their share. Or I would also consider just cancelling the whole thing & letting the cheapskate wear it. |
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Post by katlaw on Feb 14, 2022 21:55:41 GMT
I'm not sure how photographers work these days, but when my family was together several years ago, our photographer charged a sitting fee and then per print ordered. I was the one who wanted the photos, so I paid the sitting fee and for the prints I wanted. My brother and sister each purchased a few prints of their own. I chose a photographer with a sitting fee I felt was reasonable so it wasn't a financial burden for me. This is what I was going to suggest. Not everyone wants family photos. This way if they cannot afford or don't want to pay for photos of their family they just don't take them. Join the rest of the family in the group photo. |
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Post by deekaye on Feb 14, 2022 21:59:30 GMT
Depends on circumstances. If the family/family member can't afford it, the rest of us would chip in (like we'd done a lot for a sister who was a single mom with limited income).
If we had a family member who WOULDN'T split expenses if if they could afford it, I imagine us saying "oh well, so sorry you won't be going with us/participating".
I honestly can't imagine anyone in my family expecting to participate but not pay their fare share...
ETA: I just realized this is not for a trip but for a photo session. I would want them to be in the group photo but if they don't want to do their own immediate family pics, that's fine.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Feb 14, 2022 23:02:11 GMT
I am confused, bethany102399 - whose idea was the photo shoot? Who wants it? Is it a gift for mom & dad? I can see not letting the ones who refuse to contribute get individual shots. If they don't like that, they can pay their share. his is what I was going to suggest. Not everyone wants family photos. This way if they cannot afford or don't want to pay for photos of their family they just don't take them. Join the rest of the family in the group photo. To answer both questions, it's a photo shoot for mom and dad planned while all of us are going to be together - large family, and unusual for all of us to be in the same place at the same time. of 4 siblings, 3 agreed to split the sitting fee for the shoot, with the intention being a big photo of the whole group. Then breaking out into smaller groups. (just the grandkids with grandma and grandpa, just the siblings etc) I am adamant that we hand the photographer a shot list and that's that. 1 sibling is saying they won't contribute and the response was then while you'll be asked to be in the big group photo, no shots of your individual family will be taken. Other siblings took offense at this. The statement was made because this person has an issue with the sibling, and wants to make it a big deal, not because they want to die on the hill of denying them family photos. I honestly kind of feel like if you won't chip in toward the sitting fee, then why should you get family photos out of the deal? Yes part of the larger group because that's the point of doing this, but beyond that no. DH disagrees which is why I thought I might take the peas temperature on this. |
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Post by kristalina on Feb 14, 2022 23:23:45 GMT
If it were going to be something pricey like a day-excursion for more than one person, I'd have to ask my sibs if they were willing to help split for the other person's part, I wouldn't want for them to miss out, especially if it wasn't a recurring problem.
But if they actually could afford it but were too cheap to pitch in, I'd have to say sorry, no can do. (like the family member that always orders appetizers, the most expensive entree, bottles of wine or multiple cocktails and wants to split the bill equally) no, not going to cover that person's part.
I've missed many trips/events because I didn't have the money and I would never in a million years expect someone else to cover my part.
edited: Ok, I see what it is. I'm with you. I'd be ok with including them in the group shot, but wouldn't want to cover their own family portraits.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 14, 2022 23:36:54 GMT
Ok, now that all of the details are out. Here is how I understand it:
Big family vacation, someone (you?) has the idea that while all together, everyone should participate in a group photo shoot for the parents.
One sibling does not want to pay. Another sibling, who has a beef with sibling 1 feels that sibling 1 should only be in the group picture, but not get any pics of their own family. Other sibs dont care.
So, here are a few options:
1. Pay the whole sitting fee yourself, let everyone have whatever pictures they want that are on the shot list. Everyone buys their own prints
2. Someone have a calm conversation with Sibling 1 and ask why they dont want to contribute. Is it a financial issue, did they recently have family photos, do they not want family photos? Or, ask them, is it that you dont want to participate or is it that you cant afford to pay?
3. The 3 siblings who are willing, split the cost. Sibling 2 keeps mouth shut.
4. Let sibling 2 pay their 25% you and other sibling not making a stink, split the remainder.
Without knowing more of the family dynamics, I cant say which would work best in your situation.
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