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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 15, 2022 18:24:40 GMT
No it's not required - - but I agree with previous posters that if this helps her process so be it.
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milocat
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Mar 18, 2015 4:10:31 GMT
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Post by milocat on Feb 15, 2022 18:32:30 GMT
I can't imagine sending them to those that attended. Here, funerals have 200-800 people. Thank yous for donations and pallballers are more typical here, maybe flowers, food. Often a general thank you in the paper. Thank you for attending, for stopping by, bringing food, flowers, cards, donations.
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Post by myshelly on Feb 15, 2022 18:35:34 GMT
I’m from the South and have never sent or received a note just for attending.
We send notes for people who sent something (money, flowers, food) and people who participated in the service (speaker, singers, pallbearers).
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Post by gracieplusthree on Feb 15, 2022 19:19:20 GMT
I'll never forget when my husband died I had people donate anonymously(probably spelled wrong)to a gund set up through the funeral home to help cover costs,and then they got mad and call me out online because they didn't get a thank you.. How exactly I was supposed to know to send them one I'll never understand...
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TXMary
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And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
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Jun 26, 2014 17:25:06 GMT
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Post by TXMary on Feb 15, 2022 19:23:13 GMT
I am in the south and have never recieved a thank you note for attending a service or visitation. I would go with the meals, flowers, those who participated in the service, etc. That is all I have ever received or written.
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Dalai Mama
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La Pea Boheme
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Feb 15, 2022 19:29:16 GMT
When I do things to help people who are in mourning, the last thing I would want is for them to feel obligated to show appreciation. We do things to make their lives a bit more manageable in their hardest times, not to put pressure on them to meet etiquette standards.
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Post by Linda on Feb 15, 2022 20:05:11 GMT
I have never received a thank you for any aspect of a funerl - not attending, not sending flowers, not providing food... - and honestly I would never expect one. I figure those who are grieving have enough to deal with.
That said - I did the thank yous after my mum's funeral. I sent to anyone who sent flowers or a card, anyone who donated in her name (the charity sent us a total amount and a list of people/addresses), and anyone who was at the service that I either HAD an address for or who wrote their address in the guest book. It was a small funeral though - maybe 2 dozen people? - but it was in November (so cold) and the majority attending were former classmates so of an age with my mum who was 83 and we really did appreciate each and everyone who made the effort to come - especially since we didn't know the vast majority.
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peppermintpatty
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Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Feb 15, 2022 20:14:35 GMT
I would not expect one just for attending the funeral. I would only send one if the person sent flowers/meals etc. I think that is excessive. I just went to a funeral last Thursday for my neighbor. He was 95 and died the Saturday before. His wife died this past Saturday and again, the funeral is tomorrow. I wouldn't want the family to have to write out thank you notes when they are dealing with so much loss.
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Post by giatocj on Feb 15, 2022 20:27:23 GMT
So sorry for your loss. My mom passed away in mid-January and I will only be sending thank you notes to people who sent flowers or mass cards. We thanked everyone who attended her service when they arrived, again when they were leaving and at the start of my short speech. Even if I'm approaching this wrong, I'm still doing it that way . I've always been the bad seed .
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Post by mags243 on Feb 15, 2022 21:49:33 GMT
Both when my Mom and then my Dad died I sent out probably 90% of the thank you notes. We sent them to anyone who sent flowers/a memento, brought food, made a donation or helped with the mass. I do not like the preprinted generic ones from the funeral home, so I ordered from Amazon and handwrote everything. It was surprisingly cathartic.
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twinsmomfla99
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Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Feb 15, 2022 21:51:32 GMT
I personally would not expect nor want a thank you note for anything. The family is in mourning and personally I feel like that is just something that isn't needed task. I might in the the minority in that.. but let the family mourn and get past it. But if they are needed to be done.. just for flowers and food. I can see where the family might want to send one, though. I recall getting a thank you from a friend's parent after I sent a card. He was was a student from Afghanistan with whom I worked in the cafeteria at my university. He lived in off-campus housing and unfortunately passed away from carbon monoxide poisoning in his sleep one winter. I got his home address from our boss (that probably would not be an option today due to privacy laws) and sent a card to his parents expressing my condolences. I also told them how much I and the rest of my coworkers had enjoyed knowing their son and that we all would miss him very much. I received a response almost a year later! His mother wrote to me and explained that she had to wait to get an interpreter to read the card to her and help her draft her response. Then she copied it in her own handwriting before sending it to me. It was the sweetest note, and she said how much it meant to her to know that he had so many friends who cared. It was obvious that it meant a lot to her to respond to me. I was only 20 years old at the time, and that really stuck with me. So while I would not expect a thank you for sending a card, I do understand why it is meaningful for the recipient to acknowledge a card (even without a gift) and the kindness that was intended.
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Post by cade387 on Feb 15, 2022 22:20:55 GMT
I’m shocked so many folks say they have never received anything - I’m not usually on this side of it.
I think I have received a small thank you note from every wake or funeral I have attended. I don’t expect it but it is tradition around here. These are very simple notecards which are not personalized.
For those who send gifts, flowers, food, etc. typical thank you cards are usually sent.
I’m very sorry for your loss and in the end I think you need to do what you think is best.
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AllieC
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Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Feb 15, 2022 22:38:01 GMT
I'm very sorry for your loss. Who should get thank you notes after a funeral? I'm not going to be much help because my answer would be no-one. I think expecting someone who is grieving to go through the labour of thank-you notes places and unnecessary burden on them and is really sad IMO. Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing?
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 15, 2022 23:05:33 GMT
I'm very sorry for your loss. Who should get thank you notes after a funeral? I'm not going to be much help because my answer would be no-one. I think expecting someone who is grieving to go through the labour of thank-you notes places and unnecessary burden on them and is really sad IMO. Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing? I honestly I don't think anyone expects anything. I think sometimes the grieving person wants to connect to those who've been kind enough to give food/flowers etc. I don't know a single person who would care even on iota about a thank you note - but I've also sat with someone who really, really wanted to write them.
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AllieC
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Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Feb 15, 2022 23:33:35 GMT
I'm very sorry for your loss. Who should get thank you notes after a funeral? I'm not going to be much help because my answer would be no-one. I think expecting someone who is grieving to go through the labour of thank-you notes places and unnecessary burden on them and is really sad IMO. Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing? I honestly I don't think anyone expects anything. I think sometimes the grieving person wants to connect to those who've been kind enough to give food/flowers etc. I don't know a single person who would care even on iota about a thank you note - but I've also sat with someone who really, really wanted to write them. Yes I get that some people might want to write them and that's totally fine. I have seen in this forum and others many times where the judgement from people not getting a thank you card (for many reasons including funeral flowers etc) so it seems to me that a lot of times people do them not because they want to but because they feel they have to.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 16, 2022 0:08:53 GMT
I honestly I don't think anyone expects anything. I think sometimes the grieving person wants to connect to those who've been kind enough to give food/flowers etc. I don't know a single person who would care even on iota about a thank you note - but I've also sat with someone who really, really wanted to write them. Yes I get that some people might want to write them and that's totally fine. I have seen in this forum and others many times where the judgement from people not getting a thank you card (for many reasons including funeral flowers etc) so it seems to me that a lot of times people do them not because they want to but because they feel they have to. Maybe some - although I'll say this forum is really not at all representative of reality. In real life I don't know anyone who would be getting bent out of shape on thank you notes for a funeral.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 16, 2022 0:50:14 GMT
I have received thank you cards for attending, but I dont think they are necessary.
When FIL died, we did Thank you cards for those who sent flowers or plants, those who made donations, and those who did something extra. (Well, I did. I can guarantee that my brothers in law never sent theirs.)
There were a couple hundred people at his memorial, I cant imagine sending thank yous to them all
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Post by AussieMeg on Feb 16, 2022 0:53:25 GMT
Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing? Yep, it sure is different out here in the colonies! I have never received nor have I ever sent a thank you note to anyone after a funeral. I'm pretty sure that if I asked everyone I know, they would say the same thing. Likewise, I have NEVER been to a viewing. Thank fuck they are not a thing here. Ugh. Open coffins at the funeral service are uncommon too thank goodness. I went to one Greek funeral (the father of a guy I worked with) and they had an open coffin. That's the only time in my life I've seen an open coffin at a funeral.
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Post by grammadee on Feb 16, 2022 0:56:51 GMT
@vispindler, in emotional times like funerals, I think that the rules of etiquette are not as important as the needs of the mourners. Maybe your dMIL feels the need to connect to all those people who showed their caring in all the different ways.
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Post by ~summer~ on Feb 16, 2022 0:57:03 GMT
Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing? Yep, it sure is different out here in the colonies! I have never received nor have I ever sent a thank you note to anyone after a funeral. I'm pretty sure that if I asked everyone I know, they would say the same thing. Likewise, I have NEVER been to a viewing. Thank fuck they are not a thing here. Ugh. Open coffins at the funeral service are uncommon too thank goodness. I went to one Greek funeral (the father of a guy I worked with) and they had an open coffin. That's the only time in my life I've seen an open coffin at a funeral. i have never been to a funeral either and had no idea they are so common. I’ve only been to a memorial service.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 16, 2022 1:04:44 GMT
twinsmomfla99 what a beautiful story. Your note meant so much to his parents
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Post by AussieMeg on Feb 16, 2022 1:09:48 GMT
i have never been to a funeral either and had no idea they are so common. I’ve only been to a memorial service. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service, where you live? I would just call everything a funeral.
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Post by ~summer~ on Feb 16, 2022 1:15:14 GMT
i have never been to a funeral either and had no idea they are so common. I’ve only been to a memorial service. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service, where you live? I would just call everything a funeral. this might be a situation where peas differ but I’ve always understood a funeral has the body present.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Feb 16, 2022 1:53:28 GMT
I'm Catholic so have been to a million viewings - not really sure why people think that's any different than the funeral. We just give extra prayers and drink whiskey - did I mention we're also Irish?
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Post by katlady on Feb 16, 2022 2:39:03 GMT
i have never been to a funeral either and had no idea they are so common. I’ve only been to a memorial service. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service, where you live? I would just call everything a funeral. My experience is that a memorial service is bit less formal than a funeral. The ones I have been to have been after the funeral and burial. I’ve seen families have private funerals and then a memorial service later for all the friends. There may or may not be any religious service.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Feb 16, 2022 2:58:06 GMT
I am writing notes for those who sent flowers or food. I was just debating about sending notes to those who sent cards - We did not order the preprinted funeral home thank-you cards, but now I'm sorta wishing we did. Writing a thank you card for a sympathy card seems like overkill, but I would like to acknowledge the cards I received - even the simplest among them touched my heart. I have received generic funeral-home thank-you cards for everything from flowers to cards to phone calls (or other expressions of sympathy), but never for simply attending a funeral. When I have sent flowers for the past 5+ years, I always get a photo from the florist before they package it up for delivery. That is awesome! I have NEVER received a photo from the florist, and I send a lot of flowers! What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service, where you live? I would just call everything a funeral. For Catholics, there is a Mass of Christian Burial, which is a funeral, with body (or cremains) present. A Memorial Mass is a mass said for the deceased without the body present.
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Post by JustKim on Feb 16, 2022 4:04:10 GMT
I personally would not expect nor want a thank you note for anything. The family is in mourning and personally I feel like that is just something that isn't needed task. I might in the the minority in that.. but let the family mourn and get past it. But if they are needed to be done.. just for flowers and food. I agree. The family is going through a lot. I would not expect one regardless if I sent flowers or money or helped with food.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 16, 2022 4:42:15 GMT
Both when my Mom and then my Dad died I sent out probably 90% of the thank you notes. We sent them to anyone who sent flowers/a memento, brought food, made a donation or helped with the mass. I do not like the preprinted generic ones from the funeral home, so I ordered from Amazon and handwrote everything. It was surprisingly cathartic. My MIL and my mom passed away within two months of each other over a decade ago, and I wrote out the majority of the thank yous for both funerals. I sent them out to pretty much everyone who attended that I had an address for, and I’m talking HUNDREDS of them between the two events. I agree, it was very cathartic for me to write out those notes. It meant a lot to us that all of those people came out to support us during an incredibly difficult time. I felt compelled to express my thanks to them just for being there for us.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 5:35:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2022 6:46:03 GMT
I would send thank you cards to those who sent flowers, money, food, etc. or who helped out in any way. While I don’t think sending a thank you card for attending is necessary, it is a nice way of acknowledging those who may have traveled a distance or took time off of work to pay their respects. What is the difference between a funeral and a memorial service, where you live? I would just call everything a funeral. this might be a situation where peas differ but I’ve always understood a funeral has the body present. To me, a viewing or wake takes place before a funeral and usually has an open or closed casket present. A funeral or funeral mass usually takes place a week or so after the person has passed and a casket or urn is present. A memorial service takes place several weeks or months after the person has passed and an urn may or may not be present.
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Post by kaycee on Feb 16, 2022 7:11:32 GMT
Us heathens in Australia don't do thank you notes for funerals, whether that be if someone sent flowers or attended etc. I don't think I've ever gotten one. Maybe a text to say thank you for the flowers if I was unable to attend but otherwise nothing nor would I expect anything. We don't do viewings here either. pjaye and AussieMeg have you ever received one or been to a viewing? Yep, it sure is different out here in the colonies! I have never received nor have I ever sent a thank you note to anyone after a funeral. I'm pretty sure that if I asked everyone I know, they would say the same thing. Likewise, I have NEVER been to a viewing. Thank fuck they are not a thing here. Ugh. Open coffins at the funeral service are uncommon too thank goodness. I went to one Greek funeral (the father of a guy I worked with) and they had an open coffin. That's the only time in my life I've seen an open coffin at a funeral. Another Aussie agreeing with this. My dad passed away last month, we didn’t send thank you cards. We sent texts/FB messages to those who sent flowers/ messages as we received them but no thank you cards to anyone. I’ve also never received one. Honestly, the only thank you cards I’ve ever received were from a couple of weddings 30 years ago. I’ve never expected one for any reason. I can’t speak for all Aussies but in my circle, we consider a thank you via text or a verbal thank you by phone or in person sufficient. Also never known anyone that had a viewing, although the funeral home did ask us if we wanted that so maybe some people do.
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