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Post by vspindler on Feb 15, 2022 16:03:31 GMT
My FIL passed away recently and I volunteered to help with the thank you notes. It was my understanding that thank you notes go to people who sent flowers, memorials, brought meals, etc. However, my MIL informed me that we are doing thank you notes for everyone who attended the visitation/service (basically if they signed the book) or sent a card as well those who sent flowers/memorials. I’m not sure if there was a different level of etiquette (perhaps generational? Regional?) that I was not aware of or if she is just making more work for herself. Especially as it wasn’t a small funeral and she mentioned needing to get more thank you notes from the funeral home. She also wants to take and print photos of the floral arrangements to send with the than you notes, which is why I wonder if she is just trying to make more of a thing out of the process.
So I ask the all knowing-Peas: who should get thank you notes after a funeral? This is for my own edification than anything because if I have been thinking about this incorrectly I want to know. I probably wouldn’t be able to change her mind even if I wanted to risk upsetting her by trying.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Feb 15, 2022 16:08:54 GMT
One would think the people who attended were acknowledged while there.
Sorry for your family's loss.
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mich5481
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,576 
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Post by mich5481 on Feb 15, 2022 16:09:27 GMT
I wonder if the photos of the flower arrangements is mainly for people who couldn't attend the funeral, but sent flowers instead. I know sometimes people want to see the flowers, especially if they ordered then online and didn't "really" know what they looked like.
By any chance, is she from the South? That also might explain the number of thank you notes.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Feb 15, 2022 16:11:57 GMT
However, my MIL informed me that we are doing thank you notes for everyone who attended the visitation/service (basically if they signed the book) or sent a card as well those who sent flowers/memorials. She also wants to take and print photos of the floral arrangements to send with the than you notes I do not expect to receive a thank you note for attending the visitation/service, nor would I write one for that reason. I think that sending them and in addition adding pictures of the arrangements sent is a nice thing to do, it's above and beyond in my opinion, but not expected or required. But like you said, you're not going to change her mind, so I'd help her and make it as easy and quick as possible. |
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Post by jenjie on Feb 15, 2022 16:13:50 GMT
This is a general idea. I agree, her request seems excessive. But she may have a reason, that may not make sense to anyone but her. You may be able to talk about it and offer websites like this that show what is expected. But she may still want to go to that extent to say thank you, and you will need to determine if you are willing to do that for her. Also I have received preprinted cards that said something like “thank you for your kindness”. I assume they were special ordered. Something like that might work if she expects every attendee to receive a thank you card. www.funeralwise.com/funeral-etiquette/thank-you/ |
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Post by katlady on Feb 15, 2022 16:15:40 GMT
We send thank you cards to those who give gifts (flowers, money, etc) of some kind. We don’t usually send cards to people just because they attend the funeral. Someone at the end of the service will thank everyone for attending.
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Post by vspindler on Feb 15, 2022 16:16:21 GMT
This is a general idea. I agree, her request seems excessive. But she may have a reason, that may not make sense to anyone but her. You may be able to talk about it and offer websites like this that show what is expected. But she may still want to go to that extent to say thank you, and you will need to determine if you are willing to do that for her. Also I have received preprinted cards that said something like “thank you for your kindness”. I assume they were special ordered. Something like that might work if she expects every attendee to receive a thank you card. www.funeralwise.com/funeral-etiquette/thank-you/She wants handwritten addresses and notes. |
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Post by Bitchy Rich on Feb 15, 2022 16:17:08 GMT
After my mom died, my dad wanted to send thank you notes to everyone who attended. I think he felt really touched by all the support and just wanted to tell everyone how much he appreciated it. So my siblings, my aunt, and a couple friends sat with him and all wrote thank you notes. With all of us pitching in, it really didn't take that long, and it made him happy.
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Post by gramasue on Feb 15, 2022 16:18:27 GMT
It sounds to me as though your MIL may be making busy-work for herself, to help her adjust to her grief in losing her husband. I would just go along with her, as this type of behavior (needing to keep busy) is part of the process. I'm sure she needs things to do to keep her mind off her sorrow.
Having said that, however, in my experience, thank you notes go out to those who did something extra, such as flowers, monetary contributions, meals, running errands, etc. For those who simply attended the visitation/service and signed the book, or sent a sympathy card, it is not necessary to send a formal thank you, unless they have travelled a good distance to be at the service, or are especially close friends or relatives. In that case, a thank you expressing your appreciation for them having gone out of their way to show their respect would be in order.
I am sorry for your family's loss.
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Post by vspindler on Feb 15, 2022 16:18:36 GMT
However, my MIL informed me that we are doing thank you notes for everyone who attended the visitation/service (basically if they signed the book) or sent a card as well those who sent flowers/memorials. She also wants to take and print photos of the floral arrangements to send with the than you notes I do not expect to receive a thank you note for attending the visitation/service, nor would I write one for that reason. I think that sending them and in addition adding pictures of the arrangements sent is a nice thing to do, it's above and beyond in my opinion, but not expected or required. But like you said, you're not going to change her mind, so I'd help her and make it as easy and quick as possible. The easy and quick would be the only reason I would say something to her. That and the cost of mailing. |
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Post by auntkelly on Feb 15, 2022 16:23:41 GMT
I have never heard of sending a thank you note to people who simply attend a funeral.
I think enclosing a picture of the flowers received is a nice touch if the sender is from out of town. If the sender is from the area, and had a chance to see the flowers, I wouldn’t bother sending a picture.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
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Post by amom23 on Feb 15, 2022 16:24:42 GMT
Typically thank you cards are sent to those you gave a memorial. If you just sent a card then no thank you is required.
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Post by disneypal on Feb 15, 2022 16:26:42 GMT
We send to those that sent flowers/made a donation, brought food or helped in some way…but no notes sent to funeral attendees.
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,174
Location: Alabama
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Post by janeinbama on Feb 15, 2022 16:29:30 GMT
I have received 1 Thank You note for attending a funeral. All other thank yous were acknowledging flowers and food.
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Post by ntsf on Feb 15, 2022 16:42:29 GMT
my dad wanted to send a note to everyone who sent him a card after my mother died. I am honoring him by sending a little note to everyone who sent a card.
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naby64
Drama Llama
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Post by naby64 on Feb 15, 2022 16:46:16 GMT
I am in the south and have never recieved a thank you note for attending a service or visitation.
I would go with the meals, flowers, those who participated in the service, etc. That is all I have ever received or written.
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Post by ~summer~ on Feb 15, 2022 16:47:59 GMT
I was always told that all people who sent a card or flowers etc received a hand written thank you note.
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Post by padresfan619 on Feb 15, 2022 16:48:19 GMT
I have never received (or expected) a thank you card for attending a funeral. My husband was a pallbearer for my grandpas funeral and was sent a thank you card for participating.
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Post by melanell on Feb 15, 2022 17:08:08 GMT
We have never sent thank you notes for attending nor for sending a card. Anything beyond that we sent thank yous for---memorials, donations, flowers, meals, etc.
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rodeomom
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Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
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Post by rodeomom on Feb 15, 2022 17:17:50 GMT
Sending a thank you note to people who attend a funeral or sent a card, is not done where I'm from. However, if that's what she wants then I would do my best to help her do that.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,987
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Feb 15, 2022 17:18:53 GMT
Etiquette rules do not require thank-you notes for attending, but neither do they prohibit them. If it makes her happy to write out a note to each attendee, she should. I can see where that might be cathartic
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Post by mnmloveli on Feb 15, 2022 17:20:22 GMT
For any funerals I have been connected to, whether it was my immediate family member passing or my DH and I attending a funeral, we always sent/received an acknowledgement / thank you card. It didn’t matter if we attended the wake/funeral, sent flowers, contributed money, brought food or any combination of the above, we always received a thank you card.
In the funeral homes around here, there is a book for the family, where you “sign-in” and it asks for your address. One would assume so the family could send you an acknowledgement. Maybe just so the funeral home can make more money and sell you thank you cards.
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Post by workingclassdog on Feb 15, 2022 17:22:27 GMT
I personally would not expect nor want a thank you note for anything. The family is in mourning and personally I feel like that is just something that isn't needed task. I might in the the minority in that.. but let the family mourn and get past it.
But if they are needed to be done.. just for flowers and food.
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Post by lisae on Feb 15, 2022 17:35:24 GMT
You are right - flowers, food, donations only. If someone went out of their way to provide help like a soloist at the funeral or a caregiver that is fine too.
If you chose a charity for donation, wait 3-4 weeks after the funeral to request a list of donations.
Pphotos of flowers is nice but unnecessary unless someone sent flowers because they were too far away to attend personally. In that case, texting a photo is nice. I admit someone did that for me when I sent flowers but I didn't think to send such photos myself. No one expects the family to burden themselves with extra thank yous.
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christinec68
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Location: New York, NY
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Post by christinec68 on Feb 15, 2022 17:49:01 GMT
I personally would not expect nor want a thank you note for anything. The family is in mourning and personally I feel like that is just something that isn't needed task. I might in the the minority in that.. but let the family mourn and get past it. But if they are needed to be done.. just for flowers and food. This is how I feel. In general, I am in favor of sending thank you cards but I give them a pass for funerals. When my father died my mother insisted we send one to everyone who signed the book so I stopped signing it because I don't want the family to possibly feel obligated to send me one. |
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Feb 15, 2022 18:01:29 GMT
i have never received a thank you just for attending, and i sign all books. it wouldn't occur to me to have warranted a thank you. i did receive one when i sent flowers, never heard of the pic thing tho except for people's scrapbook, they weren't sent to the givers.
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 15, 2022 18:01:33 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have never received a thank you note for attending a funeral or a wake. However, if you think it means that much to her, I would send them just to make her happy. There isn't a point to rocking the boat just now.
As for photos of the flowers--the florist should be doing that. When I have sent flowers for the past 5+ years, I always get a photo from the florist before they package it up for delivery. That may not be true if you use a large chain store or site, but it's been true for me in multiple states. Instead, maybe you could include the program or prayer card left over from the service?
Unless you want them personalized, I would order a bunch of thank you cards from Amazon. I would think that there must be a large mark up from a funeral home.
Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, Rest In Peace.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by pilcas on Feb 15, 2022 18:05:33 GMT
I have received thank you notes for attending wakes but not for every single one.
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Post by katiejane on Feb 15, 2022 18:10:31 GMT
Sorry for your loss. I have never recieved or sent a thank you card for a funeral, flowers or meals. I wouldn't expect one either. But if this is what she needs to grieve and feel she has done the right thing I would say do what you can.
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miyooper2b
Full Member
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Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Feb 15, 2022 18:17:22 GMT
I have never received a thank you for attending a funeral nor have I ever sent one to people attending my family funerals. We've only sent a thank you note to those that sent flowers, provided food or some sort of service (like the pall bearers). I personally have never heard of sending a thank you to every single person that attended.
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