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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 0:33:47 GMT
Not certain anything would come of this necessarily, so I'm going to keep this "fluffy". Initial disclaimer: I'm probably the kind of gal that should have had a say in picking out her engagement ring AND this is on my top 3 of mortifying moments in my entire life  I didn't like my engagement setting. It is perfectly beautiful and classic (even now), I just felt like the setting was much too dainty for my good-sized hands. It is a narrow band with channel-set diamonds on each side and I wasn't crazy about this adding rings to it (which my sentimental self understands now, yet still isn't crazy about) to make a wedding setting. It was a surprise engagement and after after a week of trying to keep my composure and consulting with my girl friends, I worked up the courage to tell him I LOVED my diamond, but the setting wasn't my style. Let me say my husband is just about a saint (to this day!!!) and I think we did an initial consultation with the place he bought it, that was willing to swap it out for something of my liking (Shane Co's customer service is amazing, for any midwest peas) although ultimately we ended up getting a solitary band for my wedding ring, that I love to this day. So, here is my WDTPT. My 3rd (of 3) DD's may get engaged this year based on what her bf has said. I *think* this engagement setting is very much her style. She only likes yellow gold and fairly dainty jewelry. We bought her a necklace (that was yellow gold and dainty) for her HS grad last year that she loves much more than I expected. This style of setting is definitely not something either of my older DDs would like, and while they are in committed relationships, not certain either will be getting engaged/married, at least not any time soon. And of my 4 kids, this DD and her bf are likely to be the least "upwardly mobile" over time based on career choice (and part-time military commitments, which causes some career disruption with not a lot of pay). Since I think this setting would be DD's style and she may like the sentimental aspect, I'd like to offer it as an option to her bf if he would like. My thought is to first stage an opportunity for my DD to see it and try it on (this wouldn't be too hard, as I have a bit of things from her grandma that I'm going through, so would be natural to do a "come look at this stuff" when she is home) to gauge if she even likes it. Then offer it to him as a sentimental gift. Given that it is somewhat sentimental to me, I would just like to have it back if she opts to not keep it, and would be willing to financially contribute (as a "gift") to keep it that way. In my mind, it *could* be a "placeholder" setting in case she would like to pick out something different. And if she did, I would like to get it back and contribute rather than them trading it in. Or she could keep it like I did. This setting is maybe worth around $800, so nothing super significant. Not wanting to push it or impede any plans he may have, but if I could gauge if she likes it, I'd get the offer out to him sooner than later to think about. I have pretty minimal sentimental attachment to this setting. At some point I was considering having a small ruby or emerald set in it and wear it on my right hand, just haven't gotten around to that. |
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 7, 2022 0:46:33 GMT
Yes, I would offer it and get myself something my style. I like the sentiment and if she does too and likes the ring go for it. I think it goes without saying if they don't marry she keeps the ring no matter what. Now if he offers to pay you for it, which I would think unlikely, then know what the ring is worth and maybe put that towards your new ring.
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Post by quietgirl on Mar 7, 2022 0:50:47 GMT
Oh, I don't know... I was on board with the whole gauging her interest, and I still think that's a good idea. But then you said for sentimental reasons, if it doesn't work out for your dd (meaning the setting, not the relationship), you'd like it back, and that you are even considering using it for another piece. I think its a lovely, heartfelt gesture, but I think maybe you should think on it a little longer. I don't know how you tell them you'd want it back.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 7, 2022 0:53:03 GMT
I think it’s lovely that you would like to offer it to your DD’s BF as an option. I also think your idea of having her “come look at this stuff” is a good way to go about seeing if she likes it especially if you have other heirloom items you would like her to see. IMO there is nothing wrong with putting some stipulations on its use either, should she decide not to use it long term, since it was your original wedding setting. I can understand wanting to keep it in the family vs. trading it in.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 0:53:38 GMT
Yes, I would offer it and get myself something my style. I like the sentiment and if she does too and likes the ring go for it. I think it goes without saying if they don't marry she keeps the ring no matter what. Now if he offers to pay you for it, which I would think unlikely, then know what the ring is worth and maybe put that towards your new ring. Just to clarify (yes, I feel like the queen of too long, confusing posts) I only wore my engagement setting for about a year, it's just been in the ring box once we swapped my diamond to my wedding setting 26+ years ago. I wouldn't want monetary compensation from them at all and I'd be willing to give them $$ towards a new setting if she decided she didn't like it and didn't want to hang onto it. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 0:56:28 GMT
Oh, I don't know... I was on board with the whole gauging her interest, and I still think that's a good idea. But then you said for sentimental reasons, if it doesn't work out for your dd (meaning the setting, not the relationship), you'd like it back, and that you are even considering using it for another piece. I think its a lovely, heartfelt gesture, but I think maybe you should think on it a little longer. I don't know how you tell them you'd want it back. I think this is exactly why I've been on the fence. And I've come to the conclusion if I didn't get it back for whatever reason, I would likely give it little thought over time. Would just *prefer* to get it back rather than let it go outside the family. |
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 7, 2022 1:12:23 GMT
My husband's grandmother had a ring I would have loved to have been offered and it wasn't (no real reason it would have been other than I adored it) and after she passed I guess another family member got it. But if my mother had a ring she thought I would like as my engagement ring I hope she wouldn't be shy about letting me know. If she said she wanted it to stay in the family then I see nothing wrong with that.
All you are doing is asking and offering. It is up to them to choose or decline.
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Why
Drama Llama
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Post by Why on Mar 7, 2022 1:40:47 GMT
My only hesitation would be - if there was a breakup before or after marriage would that leave your DD (and maybe you) with bad/sad feelings about a piece of jewelry that should only have sweet memories attached.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Mar 7, 2022 2:01:46 GMT
What would your other two daughters think? I would be very upset if sentimental jewelry was offered to my sister and not me.
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 7, 2022 2:16:21 GMT
I think this is exactly why I've been on the fence. And I've come to the conclusion if I didn't get it back for whatever reason, I would likely give it little thought over time. Would just *prefer* to get it back rather than let it go outside the family. I mean, it's been sitting in a box for 26 years, perhaps there's not as much sentimentality to it as you imagine.  But what would I know, I've never been married and I don't wear any rings!  I think it would be a nice idea to offer it to your daughter's boyfriend, if you get the idea that your daughter likes it. |
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Post by busy on Mar 7, 2022 2:48:39 GMT
A few things:
1. I wouldn't think there would be much sentimentality attached to something that you didn't like and has been in a box for more than two decades.
2. I think it would potentially be really difficult for the BF to say no to the ring if he doesn't like it or if he really wants to pick something himself. The BF doesn't want to offend his prospective in-laws and how could he politely say he thinks you're wrong that it's your DD's style? It potentially puts him in a really difficult situation IMO.
3. Trying to gauge your daughter's interest feels a bit intrusive, honestly. And again, if you do that and decide she likes it and then tell BF that, he's in an even more impossible situation for him if he wants to decline it.
4. I'd either want to pick out my ring with my fiancé or have him pick it out on his own. I would not want my mom's cast-off ring. My mom is not a part of my marriage.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 2:49:39 GMT
My only hesitation would be - if there was a breakup before or after marriage would that leave your DD (and maybe you) with bad/sad feelings about a piece of jewelry that should only have sweet memories attached. True, although since I'm not too sentimentally attached as it is, I'm not certain this would worry me too much. I'm more interested in knowing if she would actually even like it and not having strings attached so she wouldn't feel stuck with it if she ended up wanting something different  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 2:52:29 GMT
What would your other two daughters think? I would be very upset if sentimental jewelry was offered to my sister and not me. When I started think about this, this is the first thing that came to my mind, until I realized whether now or later, it can only go to one person in the family anyway. It's definitely not either of their style and I'd be happy to ask them (and thought I might), although there are some other pieces that they would like better, I'm sure. |
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Post by gotranch on Mar 7, 2022 2:56:25 GMT
A few things: 1. I wouldn't think there would be much sentimentality attached to something that you didn't like and has been in a box for more than two decades. 2. I think it would potentially be really difficult for the BF to say no to the ring if he doesn't like it or if he really wants to pick something himself. The BF doesn't want to offend his prospective in-laws and how could he politely say he thinks you're wrong that it's your DD's style? It potentially puts him in a really difficult situation IMO. 3. Trying to gauge your daughter's interest feels a bit intrusive, honestly. And again, if you do that and decide she likes it and then tell BF that, he's in an even more impossible situation for him if he wants to decline it. 4. I'd either want to pick out my ring with my fiancé or have him pick it out on his own. I would not want my mom's cast-off ring. My mom is not a part of my marriage. #4 all the way! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 3:08:04 GMT
A few things: 1. I wouldn't think there would be much sentimentality attached to something that you didn't like and has been in a box for more than two decades. 2. I think it would potentially be really difficult for the BF to say no to the ring if he doesn't like it or if he really wants to pick something himself. The BF doesn't want to offend his prospective in-laws and how could he politely say he thinks you're wrong that it's your DD's style? It potentially puts him in a really difficult situation IMO. 3. Trying to gauge your daughter's interest feels a bit intrusive, honestly. And again, if you do that and decide she likes it and then tell BF that, he's in an even more impossible situation for him if he wants to decline it. 4. I'd either want to pick out my ring with my fiancé or have him pick it out on his own. I would not want my mom's cast-off ring. My mom is not a part of my marriage. Not a whole lot of sentimentality for me, the whole premise is I think my DD would actually like this ring quite a bit. I absolutely would want it to be no stings or pressure *at all*. Bf and I are on great terms and very open with each other so I'm not worried he would feel pressured into it and may absolutely have something else in mind or want her to pick anyway. My thought is to gauge DD's reaction without saying she could have it or that I planned to offer it to him. Just a staged oh hey this was my engagement setting while we are looking through grandma's jewelry to see how she reacts. If she really seemed to like it, I'd talk with him, show it to him and let him decide. And ew, I'm certainly not trying to give them my cast-offs or be a part of their marriage  I happen to love the look and style of this ring and think DD may, too, as it's about as classic of a style as you can get. Just didn't end up being the type of band I would have picked based on the dainty size and adding bands to it. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 7, 2022 3:47:12 GMT
Let their engagement be about the two of them. They're a couple and you're her mom. Let the two of them choose her ring and get engaged. Be happy for her and just welcome your new son into the family. Don't put him on the spot by asking him about the ring you don't like. He might feel obligated to say "yes" and that's unfair. Despite your open relationship, he's still trying to impress you. This is their romance.
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Post by kenziekeeper on Mar 7, 2022 4:15:24 GMT
A few things: 1. I wouldn't think there would be much sentimentality attached to something that you didn't like and has been in a box for more than two decades. 2. I think it would potentially be really difficult for the BF to say no to the ring if he doesn't like it or if he really wants to pick something himself. The BF doesn't want to offend his prospective in-laws and how could he politely say he thinks you're wrong that it's your DD's style? It potentially puts him in a really difficult situation IMO. 3. Trying to gauge your daughter's interest feels a bit intrusive, honestly. And again, if you do that and decide she likes it and then tell BF that, he's in an even more impossible situation for him if he wants to decline it. 4. I'd either want to pick out my ring with my fiancé or have him pick it out on his own. I would not want my mom's cast-off ring. My mom is not a part of my marriage. Not a whole lot of sentimentality for me, the whole premise is I think my DD would actually like this ring quite a bit. I absolutely would want it to be no stings or pressure *at all*. Bf and I are on great terms and very open with each other so I'm not worried he would feel pressured into it and may absolutely have something else in mind or want her to pick anyway. My thought is to gauge DD's reaction without saying she could have it or that I planned to offer it to him. Just a staged oh hey this was my engagement setting while we are looking through grandma's jewelry to see how she reacts. If she really seemed to like it, I'd talk with him, show it to him and let him decide. And ew, I'm certainly not trying to give them my cast-offs or be a part of their marriage I happen to love the look and style of this ring and think DD may, too, as it's about as classic of a style as you can get. Just didn't end up being the type of band I would have picked based on the dainty size and adding bands to it. With this post in mind, I’d go through with your thought and see if she likes it. If you’re all on good terms, I don’t see this being a sticky thing - she’ll either like it and may even ask if it’s up for discussion, or not like it and the whole thing will be a non-issue. (Signed, a recently engaged pea (September) who is close with my mom, likes her style of classic jewelry and kind of chose my own ring based on what I had seen her wear growing up!) |
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SuPeaNatural
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AUSTRALIA
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Jun 27, 2014 8:49:11 GMT
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Post by SuPeaNatural on Mar 7, 2022 11:25:21 GMT
I think it's lovely to offer your DD your original ring. She might end up passing it to her daughter one day, and it could become a family heirloom. I'd love to have one of my grandmothers rings, and no way would I ever think of it as a cast off. I do have my late mothers wedding ring, my sister wanted her engaement ring, and we treasure them.
I've offered my wedding set to my oldest granddaughter if she wants it. I've told her not to feel pressured in any way - if she likes it she can have it, if not she can choose her own. Even if she would rather have her own engaement ring, she might like to wear mine as a dress ring, which would be fine too. If she doesn't like it - no problem, I'll offer it to the next girl down.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 7, 2022 12:49:46 GMT
So you’re offering him the setting not the diamond that was in it correct? Maybe what you could do instead is you use the setting and put her birthstone in it and give it to her as a gift not as her engagement ring
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 7, 2022 14:46:41 GMT
A few things: 1. I wouldn't think there would be much sentimentality attached to something that you didn't like and has been in a box for more than two decades. 2. I think it would potentially be really difficult for the BF to say no to the ring if he doesn't like it or if he really wants to pick something himself. The BF doesn't want to offend his prospective in-laws and how could he politely say he thinks you're wrong that it's your DD's style? It potentially puts him in a really difficult situation IMO. 3. Trying to gauge your daughter's interest feels a bit intrusive, honestly. And again, if you do that and decide she likes it and then tell BF that, he's in an even more impossible situation for him if he wants to decline it. 4. I'd either want to pick out my ring with my fiancé or have him pick it out on his own. I would not want my mom's cast-off ring. My mom is not a part of my marriage. The OP never said she didn’t *like* the ring, she said the style was too delicate for the size and shape of her hands. I don’t think it’s intrusive to ask her DD if she likes it if the OP thinks it would suit her better. I don’t wear much jewelry at all but I did love a certain ring my mom’s twin often wore, which my mom inherited when her sister passed away. I made a mention at one point that if my mom ever wanted to part with it that I would love to have it as a keepsake to remember my aunt, but at that point she still wanted to keep it and wear it herself occasionally. I understood and didn’t bring it up again until my mom had also passed. When we were going through our mom’s things to do the inventory for probate and it wasn’t there, I asked my sister what had happened to that ring and she said, “Oh, mom gave that to my DD a while ago. She doesn’t really wear it, so if you want to offer to BUY it, we can get it appraised. She could use the money for school.”  WTAF! Mom had advancing Alzheimer’s for the better part of the previous five years so I know exactly what happened. That same sister also ended up with our mom’s wedding set which was one of the few things of my mom’s that I stated that I wanted, along with the family Bible and mom’s photos. As it was it took over four years for my sister to turn over even the damn photos, so yeah I’m bitter. Having said all this, I really like the later suggestion of having it set with the DD’s birthstone and giving it to her as a gift outright if she says she likes the setting. |
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Post by jenjie on Mar 7, 2022 14:48:14 GMT
I offered my rings to sil and he kindly declined. No hard feelings.
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Mar 7, 2022 14:55:59 GMT
What would your other two daughters think? I would be very upset if sentimental jewelry was offered to my sister and not me. I have four daughters and this was my first thought. Be very, very sure your other girls wouldn't be upset. |
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AmeliaBloomer
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Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Mar 7, 2022 15:16:52 GMT
I think your plan is fine with the tweak that you simply let prospective SIL know it’s available. If you physically gift it to him, and it’s in his possession, even with all the assurances in the world, that might add pressure to his decision.
It’s also possible they could get engaged like I did: no ring and I did the ring selecting. Lots of people do that. In that case, your daughter would be part of the decision about your setting.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 17:45:36 GMT
With this post in mind, I’d go through with your thought and see if she likes it. If you’re all on good terms, I don’t see this being a sticky thing - she’ll either like it and may even ask if it’s up for discussion, or not like it and the whole thing will be a non-issue. (Signed, a recently engaged pea (September) who is close with my mom, likes her style of classic jewelry and kind of chose my own ring based on what I had seen her wear growing up!) Congratulations on your engagement  and thank you for sharing as your relationship with your mom sounds similar to me and my DD3. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 7, 2022 18:03:19 GMT
Let me preface my opinion by letting you know I'm not a fan of waiting for the guy to propose and with a ring that the bride has had no choice in the selection.
If it was me, I would be advising my future SIL to discuss marriage and rings BEFORE the proposal.
DH and I discussed getting married and I what my preference was as far as an engagement ring. I worried about cost and didn't want him spending money that would be better used for other things. I didn't want the whole proposal thing, but he still got the ring without me knowing and gave it to me a very unromantic way. I preferred it that way.
I don't regret my choice, and I never wear my rings anyway since they are too tight. I had them resized after my son was born, but am not getting them resized again. DH also doesn't wear a wedding ring.
I would tell them that when they decide to look at rings, your setting is an option to choose from, and leave it at that.
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Post by Gem Girl on Mar 7, 2022 18:06:46 GMT
What would your other two daughters think? I would be very upset if sentimental jewelry was offered to my sister and not me. I have four daughters and this was my first thought. Be very, very sure your other girls wouldn't be upset. Seriously. I have 2 sisters, & I know they compare who gets what (& can fester about perceived unfairness). It's not MY fault I'm Mother's favorite!  |
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peabay
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Post by peabay on Mar 7, 2022 18:11:09 GMT
I have four daughters and this was my first thought. Be very, very sure your other girls wouldn't be upset. Seriously. I have 2 sisters, & I know they compare who gets what (& can fester about perceived unfairness). It's not MY fault I'm Mother's favorite!  Ha! Not to belabor the point or hijack the thread, but I've been very surprised over the last 30 years at little tiny things my girls have taken much more seriously than I thought they would. This might not be perceived as little or tiny to them... |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2022 18:11:25 GMT
Thanks everyone for the thoughts about this. I hadn't made any decision, just something I started thinking about at some point. It's probably been 2 months since he told me he wants to propose within the year and that he would ask for permission from DH first (not necessary, but he can do this as he likes). Giving it more thought, I think I will still show it to DD when the opportunity comes up. If she absolutely loves it or asks if she could have it (doubtful she'd straight up ask for it, but she would hint heavily) I'll figure it out from there. Honestly, if they start talking engagement (which I'm certain they have, they live together and are planning some other things) perhaps she'll look a bit to at least get her style nailed down. Or maybe it will be a total surprise. So I'm just going to take cues from her, I agree I don't want him to be put in any awkward position or feel pressure from me. He's a tad sentimental and calls me mom, I don't truly think there would be any weirdness at all - just think I may not even offer after giving it more thought. He was previously engaged, so I'm certain he would have something in mind and I really don't want to jump in on their timing or planning. They have a complicated situation as it is that I won't go off tangent on, so best I don't offer another layer of complication  Honestly, after posting this, I took another look at the setting and while it is absolutely beautiful, it is truly so dainty and honestly, I'm not certain it would hold up the best long term anyway - the band thins out at the back and doesn't have much substance to it. It does seem very "engagement" style to me, although if I had another stone set in it, it may make a nicer piece to gift to her or someone else in the family at some point rather than for this use anyway. And yes, hoping to keep things very fair between all my 4 kids. They all get along great and I don't peg any of them trying to screw over their siblings. I've seen that happen just once in our family and feel badly for those of you who have dealt with those experiences, it sucks. |
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But what would I know, I've never been married and I don't wear any rings! 
I happen to love the look and style of this ring and think DD may, too, as it's about as classic of a style as you can get. Just didn't end up being the type of band I would have picked based on the dainty size and adding bands to it.
WTAF! Mom had advancing Alzheimer’s for the better part of the previous five years so I know exactly what happened. That same sister also ended up with our mom’s wedding set which was one of the few things of my mom’s that I stated that I wanted, along with the family Bible and mom’s photos. As it was it took over four years for my sister to turn over even the damn photos, so yeah I’m bitter.
and thank you for sharing as your relationship with your mom sounds similar to me and my DD3.
