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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 16, 2022 23:41:30 GMT
I used to think that because I didn’t hang out with the popular kids or process information in class and on tests properly that something was wrong with me.
It affected my self esteem and confidence. I became someone who I didn’t recognize because I didn’t think my true self would be accepted.
I had my friends but in class I mostly kept to myself and some of my classmates tried to make me feel shamed.
Adults too didn’t accept me for who I was.
They thought because I didn’t learn the same way others did that I had a learning disorder. I just learn differently.
I felt like I was the only one going through this.
I felt alone, bullied, and misunderstood.
Fast forward to today. I’m still working on being my true self. But I know that’s who I’m choosing to be and love.
I know I wasn’t the only one who felt different because everyone is different. And I found gifts in how I learn. And not all school was terrible. I look back and like anything there are good moments and bad.
But I think there’s still a part of me that hasn’t healed from this.
And I’m wondering if anyone else still feels a trigger when they look back on when they went to school.
I watched a short clip today on how many things evolved but school still has the same setting it did when the first telephone was used. They talked about standardized testing and how it’s expected for a fish to climb a tree. (Love that Einstein)
And that’s when it got me wondering if the child in me still blames herself with her experience in school.
So, maybe that’s the first step in healing this, to know that it wasn’t my fault. Not that I’m blaming anyone else or anything.
But I feel a lift of buried guilt when I start to realize there was nothing to feel guilty about.
What about you?
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Post by Lexica on Apr 17, 2022 0:32:47 GMT
I'm sorry you had a rough go of it during your childhood.
And you say that you are not blaming anyone else, and I'm not sure that you should be, but I'm wondering if teachers back then were not trained to notice those students that were not learning the same way as the others were. Why didn't one of your teachers recognize that you were not absorbing the materials the same way as the other students were? Isn't that a component of their job? I'm not a teacher so I truly don't know the answer to that question.
I am just assuming that they were trained to recognize a student that is floundering and to make whatever recommendations are required to make sure they get an opportunity to be tested to find the best environment for each child. Maybe recognizing learning differences didn't come about until after you graduated?
Regardless, the fact that you didn't absorb information the same way certainly wasn't your fault! There are many people in the world that are dyslexic or learning challenged in some other way. I like that fish climbing a tree reference!
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Post by delila on Apr 17, 2022 0:53:21 GMT
Oh my, I could of written this word for word.
I was the weird kid in school but I was moved from country to county and state to state. I was always alone. I was born with epilepsy and suffered tremendously as a child because of it but no one took notice of me and I wasn’t diagnosed until my late 30’s.
By then I was miserable and never felt like I belonged anywhere as an adult and as an result of that I still don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I make myself as invisible as I possibly can.
When I am invited somewhere I almost always feel like it’s a joke someone is playing on me and they really don’t want me there. I don’t think I’ll ever feel welcome anywhere or feel like I belong.
Therapy has helped me but not enough to get me to love or even like myself.
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Post by lisae on Apr 17, 2022 1:36:12 GMT
I'm sorry you had that experience. I can remember students who struggled. We know a lot more now about how people learn. It should be different. I don't know what the experience is like now.
For me, I didn't like school until about the 6th grade when we started changing classes and not having the same teacher each day. It got better in junior high and I really liked high school. I thought I was always a good student but years ago I found my old elementary report cards and they weren't that great in those early years. My elementary school was strict. After first grade (there was no kindergarten), it was very traditional where you sat in desks in rows all day and listened to the teacher. Other than recess, there was little interaction with other students. As an only, growing up in a rural area, I just wasn't around other children that much. I had a happy childhood but it was almost all time spent with adults. I much preferred hanging out with my grandmother than going to school at least until junior high. The junior high was new the year I started in 7th grade. I dreaded going to that new school more than anything but it turned out to be where I made friends I had for the rest of my public school years. I still have one of those friends.
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Post by Legacy Girl on Apr 17, 2022 3:16:05 GMT
Your story hits close to home, not for me but for my DD. She is so, so bright (has well over a 3.5 at a great university and graduated with high school with just under a 4.0). She sees the world in an entirely different way than others do, and as a result, her problem-solving skills are absolutely outstanding because she thinks outside the traditional box.
But when she was in early elementary school, we were all banging our heads against the wall trying to understand why she was struggling so mightily. She received all the traditional, "You just need to apply yourself!" "You just need to try harder!", comments from teachers. But as her mama, I knew just how much harder she was working to get mediocre grades. When she told me that she was unable to be friends with some wonderful kids from our church family who went to her school because she "wasn't smart enough" to be friends with them, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had her tested, she was diagnosed with dyslexia and the next year, she was enrolled in a school that could teach in the way she learned best. It was a rough road, for sure, but I would do it over again 1,000 times and still make the same choices we made. She thrived throughout the rest of her school career and hopes to have a career in PR/fundraising/marketing for her high school alma mater.
However, as much as her specialized school and some incredibly gifted teachers invested in her and allowed her to believe in herself and her talents, she still has those times where she's that sad little second grade student who flunked the 100-word spelling test after HOURS of studying and preparation and seeming readiness. A less than stellar grade on a college exam or a struggle in writing a paper is all it takes for those buried doubts to begin to surface again.
So, suffice it to say, I know for a fact you are not alone. I hope you have friends who have been through something similar and you can share with them. But if not, please continue to share here and let us be your encouragement. I've learned a lot in encouraging that little girl that I love with all my heart, and I'm happy to share the overflow of that knowledge with anyone who's doubting herself and her abilities. Sending big hugs your way, OP (and anyone else who struggles)!
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Post by worrywart on Apr 17, 2022 3:17:42 GMT
I think what you are describing is not uncommon. I moved around as a kid and in hindsight, think that I closed myself off from starting new friendships etc, since I would just move again (every few years). It has been hard heal from, I can relate. I've thought about it a lot and I think that some of it has to do with personality. Some kids are more resilient and have more outgoing personalities, it may be easier for them. Even one teacher reaching out and trying to notice something could have been powerful.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 17, 2022 3:43:18 GMT
I'm sorry you had a rough go of it during your childhood. And you say that you are not blaming anyone else, and I'm not sure that you should be, but I'm wondering if teachers back then were not trained to notice those students that were not learning the same way as the others were. Why didn't one of your teachers recognize that you were not absorbing the materials the same way as the other students were? Isn't that a component of their job? I'm not a teacher so I truly don't know the answer to that question. I am just assuming that they were trained to recognize a student that is floundering and to make whatever recommendations are required to make sure they get an opportunity to be tested to find the best environment for each child. Maybe recognizing learning differences didn't come about until after you graduated? Regardless, the fact that you didn't absorb information the same way certainly wasn't your fault! There are many people in the world that are dyslexic or learning challenged in some other way. I like that fish climbing a tree reference! Thank you. I was diagnosed with ADD Inattentive as a teen and put on a 504 plan. So it was looked at. But looking back I think there could have been a better way where I didn’t feel like I had a disability or anything. But I don’t regret anything. I understand now that both sides of my brain working together in such a way where they become one and you can’t tell which end is which. I’m fully aware of that now, it just didn’t occur to me that I still may not be healed from my past in school until today when it came up. Yeah the quote about the fish climbing a tree is from Einstein. It was very refreshing when I got introduced to it. It’s something I’ve always been passionate about. I did an oral report my senior year about learning disorders and how they can make more of a mess than provide clarity. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 17, 2022 3:51:24 GMT
Oh my, I could of written this word for word. I was the weird kid in school but I was moved from country to county and state to state. I was always alone. I was born with epilepsy and suffered tremendously as a child because of it but no one took notice of me and I wasn’t diagnosed until my late 30’s. By then I was miserable and never felt like I belonged anywhere as an adult and as an result of that I still don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I make myself as invisible as I possibly can. When I am invited somewhere I almost always feel like it’s a joke someone is playing on me and they really don’t want me there. I don’t think I’ll ever feel welcome anywhere or feel like I belong. Therapy has helped me but not enough to get me to love or even like myself. Like it would be awkward if you put all those eggs in the “they are being serious” basket and find out it was a joke. Yeah I understand that. I’m sorry you feel like that. I sometimes get that way when someone is trying to get my attention from afar and I’m checking to see if they aren’t getting someone else’s attention around me before I respond. I’m learning that in order to be loved by others I have to love myself first. I can’t expect anyone to give me what I can’t even give myself. People I know talk about self love a lot which is great but I think I need to find myself first which is what I’m working on. |
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Mystie on Apr 17, 2022 5:16:12 GMT
I have some triggers from school days, too. I was good at playing the game and getting good grades, but I struggled socially. I've wondered more and more in the past few years if I might be neurodivergent in some way. I never seemed to be able to fit in and speak the same language as other kids, even in college. I had a few friends but it was lonely.
I'm sorry you're feeling some of those emotions again. Overall, I feel like I've accepted myself and can love myself, but sometimes I have periods of self-loathing, and it can be hard to keep sad memories at bay in those moments. I'm wishing you peaceful thoughts.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 17, 2022 7:26:29 GMT
I'm sorry you had that experience. I can remember students who struggled. We know a lot more now about how people learn. It should be different. I don't know what the experience is like now. For me, I didn't like school until about the 6th grade when we started changing classes and not having the same teacher each day. It got better in junior high and I really liked high school. I thought I was always a good student but years ago I found my old elementary report cards and they weren't that great in those early years. My elementary school was strict. After first grade (there was no kindergarten), it was very traditional where you sat in desks in rows all day and listened to the teacher. Other than recess, there was little interaction with other students. As an only, growing up in a rural area, I just wasn't around other children that much. I had a happy childhood but it was almost all time spent with adults. I much preferred hanging out with my grandmother than going to school at least until junior high. The junior high was new the year I started in 7th grade. I dreaded going to that new school more than anything but it turned out to be where I made friends I had for the rest of my public school years. I still have one of those friends. Thank you. I’m an only child too. I liked having the different classes/teachers too. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 17, 2022 7:35:36 GMT
Your story hits close to home, not for me but for my DD. She is so, so bright (has well over a 3.5 at a great university and graduated with high school with just under a 4.0). She sees the world in an entirely different way than others do, and as a result, her problem-solving skills are absolutely outstanding because she thinks outside the traditional box. But when she was in early elementary school, we were all banging our heads against the wall trying to understand why she was struggling so mightily. She received all the traditional, "You just need to apply yourself!" "You just need to try harder!", comments from teachers. But as her mama, I knew just how much harder she was working to get mediocre grades. When she told me that she was unable to be friends with some wonderful kids from our church family who went to her school because she "wasn't smart enough" to be friends with them, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. We had her tested, she was diagnosed with dyslexia and the next year, she was enrolled in a school that could teach in the way she learned best. It was a rough road, for sure, but I would do it over again 1,000 times and still make the same choices we made. She thrived throughout the rest of her school career and hopes to have a career in PR/fundraising/marketing for her high school alma mater. However, as much as her specialized school and some incredibly gifted teachers invested in her and allowed her to believe in herself and her talents, she still has those times where she's that sad little second grade student who flunked the 100-word spelling test after HOURS of studying and preparation and seeming readiness. A less than stellar grade on a college exam or a struggle in writing a paper is all it takes for those buried doubts to begin to surface again. So, suffice it to say, I know for a fact you are not alone. I hope you have friends who have been through something similar and you can share with them. But if not, please continue to share here and let us be your encouragement. I've learned a lot in encouraging that little girl that I love with all my heart, and I'm happy to share the overflow of that knowledge with anyone who's doubting herself and her abilities. Sending big hugs your way, OP (and anyone else who struggles)! Thank you. I love how you say that your DD sees the world differently and has gifts with problem solving. I admire your passion. I have a hard time mentally navigating when it comes to having only one way to go. (Such as driving, cooking and cleaning) That’s when I feel lost because I still see numerous ways. It’s the things that are open to numerous ways where I find my way. (Art, Music, Play) |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 17, 2022 7:39:09 GMT
I think what you are describing is not uncommon. I moved around as a kid and in hindsight, think that I closed myself off from starting new friendships etc, since I would just move again (every few years). It has been hard heal from, I can relate. I've thought about it a lot and I think that some of it has to do with personality. Some kids are more resilient and have more outgoing personalities, it may be easier for them. Even one teacher reaching out and trying to notice something could have been powerful. Thank you. I’m glad that it’s common. I don’t know where to start but it feels like something’s gotta change. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. |
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Post by whipea on Apr 17, 2022 13:45:28 GMT
I was a very weird kid. I went to school back in the days when everyone had to think and act alike, I did not as my perceptions and learning were always different. Because of this I was labeled as defiant or just stupid.
My early elementary school experience was pretty dreadful, not an academic achiever and did not not and could not fit the mold. Slow to learn to read and perceived and formed many letters backwards. Had one teacher consistently make me go to the board and demonstrate this attention seeking "skill". The class laughed, it was horrible. Also stood in the corner a lot for not finishing work or failing quizzes or tests.
Another example was in the 4th grade when we had to write an autobiography. I was 10 or so (failed 3rd grade), very boring stuff so I wrote I was from a different planet. I named it and developed the cultural hierarchy in detail along with describing the geography and society. I was suspended for three days for my insistence on defying instructions.
I just thought and perceived differently so I was labeled "academically deficient", always in the stupid kid groups and it fed on itself. This was prior to ESE so no evaluation. Luckily my parents were well aware this was going nowhere and the autobiography incident was the last straw. They ended up sending me to a private school for kids with learning challenges. I was so happy there and to be away from the daily torture. I learned so much and caught up academically. Further, they built self-esteem as well as alternative learning skills.
At the same time started to get involved in music, art and drama, all areas were I excelled. Went back to finish Jr. High in public school, but my abilities in the above got me through and high school too. Received a full music scholarship to a major university and completed undergrad. Switched majors and completed graduate school.
I can totally relate to being on the weird side. I work in an environment were weirdness is the norm so I fit right in. Outside of that environment, though I am successful and accomplished, inside I feel awkward and insufficient and that will never, ever go away.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 21, 2022 6:38:15 GMT
I was a very weird kid. I went to school back in the days when everyone had to think and act alike, I did not as my perceptions and learning were always different. Because of this I was labeled as defiant or just stupid. My early elementary school experience was pretty dreadful, not an academic achiever and did not not and could not fit the mold. Slow to learn to read and perceived and formed many letters backwards. Had one teacher consistently make me go to the board and demonstrate this attention seeking "skill". The class laughed, it was horrible. Also stood in the corner a lot for not finishing work or failing quizzes or tests. Another example was in the 4th grade when we had to write an autobiography. I was 10 or so (failed 3rd grade), very boring stuff so I wrote I was from a different planet. I named it and developed the cultural hierarchy in detail along with describing the geography and society. I was suspended for three days for my insistence on defying instructions. I just thought and perceived differently so I was labeled "academically deficient", always in the stupid kid groups and it fed on itself. This was prior to ESE so no evaluation. Luckily my parents were well aware this was going nowhere and the autobiography incident was the last straw. They ended up sending me to a private school for kids with learning challenges. I was so happy there and to be away from the daily torture. I learned so much and caught up academically. Further, they built self-esteem as well as alternative learning skills. At the same time started to get involved in music, art and drama, all areas were I excelled. Went back to finish Jr. High in public school, but my abilities in the above got me through and high school too. Received a full music scholarship to a major university and completed undergrad. Switched majors and completed graduate school. I can totally relate to being on the weird side. I work in an environment were weirdness is the norm so I fit right in. Outside of that environment, though I am successful and accomplished, inside I feel awkward and insufficient and that will never, ever go away. I would have loved to have read your autobiography. I’m glad you found a place that supported you in your element. I believe that Authenticity is so important. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 23, 2022 18:49:46 GMT
I have some triggers from school days, too. I was good at playing the game and getting good grades, but I struggled socially. I've wondered more and more in the past few years if I might be neurodivergent in some way. I never seemed to be able to fit in and speak the same language as other kids, even in college. I had a few friends but it was lonely. I'm sorry you're feeling some of those emotions again. Overall, I feel like I've accepted myself and can love myself, but sometimes I have periods of self-loathing, and it can be hard to keep sad memories at bay in those moments. I'm wishing you peaceful thoughts. Thank you. Have you seen the movie: Divergent? There’s a part that says “you don’t conform, your mind works in a million different ways” That felt right at home to me. |
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Post by greendragonlady on Apr 23, 2022 20:19:46 GMT
This whole thread has me  I relate to so much of it. |
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Post by quietgirl on Apr 23, 2022 21:02:37 GMT
I can relate, too. I had such a rough time in school. I'd never turn the clock back. I'm in my early 50's, now, and still have issues with people. Fact of the matter is, I don't understand people. And like Delila, I feel people are joking with me (except I'm not in on it) and I have a hard time not beating myself up on a regular basis.
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Post by Gem Girl on Apr 23, 2022 22:10:00 GMT
Seems to me that many of the "weird" kids are wonderfully different, but that their peer children can be cruel. Trying to force people into molds is cruel, too.
Those who get through that kind of challenge can grow to be resilient free thinkers, sometimes accomplishing creative or intellectual breakthroughs. The "mean kids" often peaked in school, & spend their adult lives trying to "keep up with the Joneses," because they need constant approval to compensate for the insecurities that caused them to be unkind in the first place, IMO.
I wonder how much better the world would be if everybody believed that we each get X number of talents and the same number of challenges. I'm pretty sure the world would be kinder if everybody believed not only in reincarnation, but that we'll each have to be all things at some point (each gender, all races, all levels of monetary wealth, all levels of physical strength and physical beauty, all levels of intellectual prowess, etc.). There seems to be dearth of imagining walking in another's shoes--what if it were certain we all would?
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Mystie on Apr 24, 2022 0:19:52 GMT
I have some triggers from school days, too. I was good at playing the game and getting good grades, but I struggled socially. I've wondered more and more in the past few years if I might be neurodivergent in some way. I never seemed to be able to fit in and speak the same language as other kids, even in college. I had a few friends but it was lonely. I'm sorry you're feeling some of those emotions again. Overall, I feel like I've accepted myself and can love myself, but sometimes I have periods of self-loathing, and it can be hard to keep sad memories at bay in those moments. I'm wishing you peaceful thoughts. Thank you. Have you seen the movie: Divergent? There’s a part that says “you don’t conform, your mind works in a million different ways” That felt right at home to me. I haven't seen it, but that quote certainly speaks to me. Thanks, I'll check out the movie. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 26, 2022 3:51:41 GMT
This whole thread has me I relate to so much of it. I’m feeling a lot better after getting it out, hopefully you do too. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 26, 2022 3:55:18 GMT
I can relate, too. I had such a rough time in school. I'd never turn the clock back. I'm in my early 50's, now, and still have issues with people. Fact of the matter is, I don't understand people. And like Delila, I feel people are joking with me (except I'm not in on it) and I have a hard time not beating myself up on a regular basis. Yeah there’s a lot of people I don’t understand, and they probably don’t understand me. I used to hold onto that curiosity, but now I just ignore it. Different paths that will eventually cross but not at this time. |
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Apr 26, 2022 3:56:48 GMT
Seems to me that many of the "weird" kids are wonderfully different, but that their peer children can be cruel. Trying to force people into molds is cruel, too. Those who get through that kind of challenge can grow to be resilient free thinkers, sometimes accomplishing creative or intellectual breakthroughs. The "mean kids" often peaked in school, & spend their adult lives trying to "keep up with the Joneses," because they need constant approval to compensate for the insecurities that caused them to be unkind in the first place, IMO. I wonder how much better the world would be if everybody believed that we each get X number of talents and the same number of challenges. I'm pretty sure the world would be kinder if everybody believed not only in reincarnation, but that we'll each have to be all things at some point (each gender, all races, all levels of monetary wealth, all levels of physical strength and physical beauty, all levels of intellectual prowess, etc.). There seems to be dearth of imagining walking in another's shoes--what if it were certain we all would? Yes I love that. I’ve probably been to school so many lifetimes I’m like not this again, I already graduated enough times lol |
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Post by sawwhet on Apr 26, 2022 12:24:51 GMT
Another weirdo here  . I also have ADHD and felt a bit weird my entire life. I've pretty much been able to mask my condition but I KNOW and can feel it. I did well in school when I was interested in the topic or I had to do well. I didn't hang out in a big group but rather always had a close friend or two and lots of acquaintances. I've spent a lot of time "unlearning" in my adult years. We don't need to live up to other people's expectations. We don't need to make other's happy with our decisions. It's perfectly ok to march to your own tune. Let me say that life has been easier since my narcissistic, highly critical mother passed away. My husband is fully supportive of me, my weirdness and my 500 hobbies  |
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. I also have ADHD and felt a bit weird my entire life. I've pretty much been able to mask my condition but I KNOW and can feel it. I did well in school when I was interested in the topic or I had to do well. I didn't hang out in a big group but rather always had a close friend or two and lots of acquaintances. 