I feel guilty/Esther/depression

jeremysgirl I so wish we could hug you. Every parent has doubts with our decisions about our kid/s, but we are not responsible for them and their choices when they are adults. We can guide them, we can listen, we can can feel their pain, but it is not ours. I am so very sorry your Esther has gone, but you carry no guilt for her passing.

revirdsuba99 has said it better than I could. Please discuss this with your therapist. You have no guilt for her death. You did all any parent could do to help her.

I send you a hug of comfort.

Jeremysgirl, please know you are not alone in this. Thank you for sharing your pain and fears and sadness. We are here to listen. You were not being selfish in trying to distance yourself from your daughter’s pain. You were trying to take care of you, so you could be healthy enough to care for her. It’s so easy to second guess yourself after the fact, but you were trying to keep your head above water FOR her. You were being a loving, caring mom.

You are not alone in this.

You are the person most affected by Esther's death. You SHOULD be the one transferring some of your pain. Friends arent just there for the good times, they are there to share your burden when it becomes too heavy for you.

As for Esther's depression, please don't feel guilty about your feelings about that. Your feelings are and were valid and they are perfectly normal.

Oh jeremysgirl I am not going to try to pretend that I know what you are going through. But so many have already said what I am thinking. I am glad you have your therapist to talk this over with and you have all of us here. You are one of the kindest peas on this board. Please reach out whenever you need to. Know that I am wrapping you in a big hug today.

There really are no words for what you are going through, so this is a feeble, frail, weird  attempt....

Two years ago, we almost lost our then-19-year old. Doctors gave us very little hope, and for a short time we thought he was not going to make it. He is still with us, so I do not know the depths of the grief and horror that you are going through. But it was a traumatic time in its own right.

Our relationship with him does not carry the burdens and heaviness of what you have gone through to help your Esther. It is mostly a typical parent/child relationship. But I will say, that in that short time we thought he might be leaving us, there were those feelings of parent guilt, shame over past decisions, arguments, feelings, things I felt we handled wrongly. I had a lot of waiting time to relive our life with him in my head, and there was lots of heavy regret and guilt.

I say all that to say, it would seem that this parent guilt is a pretty normal part of this process. It does not feel like that to you, I am sure. You see it through the lens of what you have been through and the challenges you deal with in yourself, as well as what you have gone through with Esther. I say this, to hopefully give you some comfort, but even if you had had a "normal" life, and a "normal" relationship, chances are you would feel these same type of feelings. Maybe this thought can help you let go of some of that shame and guilt that you feel like you are feeling because of your thoughts and boundary setting.  They are the typical feelings that come with this kind of grief.  For anyone.    YOU WERE NOT A BAD PARENT.  YOUR THOUGHTS AND NEEDS DID NOT BRING ANY OF THIS ON.  

You are loved here. What you are going through should never happen. Know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many.

(((((HUGS))))), jeremysgirl. Of course you feel guilty. But that doesn't mean you ARE guilty. I have never lost a child or lost anyone to suicide, so take my comments for what they are worth. Or ignore them completely

It was Esther's decision to do what she did. Your first thought about why then was that you thought she was trying to protect you from finding her, so she did this while you were away. She was raised by a caring mom, so I will go with the idea that she tried to do a caring act, or at least an act she felt she needed to do in a caring way. As for escaping to recharge your batteries, I think of it as the airline safety rules: you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you attempt to help other passengers. And you needed to look after you at that point.

Feeling a sense of relief is completely natural. And it is completely natural to feel guilty for feeling the relief. And to feel angry. If you can't be angry at her you will be angry at YOU.

Please try to give yourself just a piece of the compassion you show for others. You are hurting. Let others help you. Maybe supporting you will help them to feel stronger.

The time right after the funeral is the worst. People separate. Those not as close to the person go on with their own lives. Those feeling the strongest grief don't know what to do with it. They try to stuff it down b/c either they think they "should" be doing better, or they don't want to burden each other.

i am so glad you are planning to see your therapist. And that you are able to express your feelings here. That says to me that you will get a handle on this and that you will be able to move on. That won't minimize Esther's life or her memory. And if you don't look after yourself, you can't help anyone else.

Sent you a pm. ♥️

I have never lost a child, but I believe most parents that do will feel tremendous guilt. I don’t think there is any way around it. Children dying before parents goes against the human condition. It happens, but is not the norm, especially in current times and the advances in childhood health. That you recognize how you are feeling, and why, is a good sign and I hope you can see your therapist soon. Hugs to you and hang in there.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Just sending you a big hug.

I’m so sorry. Please try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to one of us who had suffered such a loss. 

I wish I had words that would help you.

It’s completely natural and normal to feel ALL THE FEELINGS right now as you grieve and mourn. We are here for you, so feel free to share/vent/cry here as much as you need, especially since you’re worried about weighing down those around you. (Although I suspect that those in your life just want to support you as well.)

I am not an eloquent writer like many here. But I think what you felt and how you feel now is all very normal but yet you do need to talk to someone. ANYONE would after losing a child I think.

I am fortunate to not know all you have gone through. However I do have a child with health issues and recently she has been going through a mental health crisis involving a trip to the emergency psych room and a partial hospitalization program. I also struggle with anxiety and when she was at her worst I really struggled more and wished for a little break as it was hard to carry on myself without showing her how I was feeling which I'm sure would have made her feel worse. And I felt so guilty. So I know that feeling, but I imagine it's normal and all of YOUR feelings are super normal I think.

I wish I could help you. Lots of (((HUGS))) and please talk to someone for you, Chloe, Jeremy and everyone else who loves you. I'm sure Esther would not want you feeling guilty etc.

I am so sorry. Skellinton said such lovely words that I completely agree with. I am thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs from across the miles. You are not alone.