S/O This Is Is.. our own life/parents

It’s heartbreaking. I work in long term care and I see this all the time. Please make sure you’re connecting with others going through similar hardships and getting professional help if needed it can really weigh on a person.

It is just awful. Hugs to you.

It is overwhelming and then there is the guilt. You are in the trenches so keep digging and remember all the wonderful years your parents and inlaws have had as couples.

I don’t think it’s the way it HAS to be. I think our society should support end of life choices, but we can’t even stop squabbling about things like being gay, so that’s not going to happen.

My heart goes out to you. I'm not there yet but I can see it coming... FIL is getting frail and forgetful and DH doesn't want to have "the talk" to either him or me about what we should be planning.

I haven't watched that show in years, but I can imagine the episode because I've also seen posts about it on Facebook.

We moved my mother in with us (I'm an only child) in late March and started in-home hospice services. While hard, we are all in agreement about the plan and realistic that she is "transitioning to end of life care" as her doctor terms it. I'm grateful for the support from my husband, children, and friends as well as the hospice program. It's not an easy task, but we've talked about feeling privileged in a way to be able to be there for her and with her at this time.

putabuttononit - Are either of your sets of parents working with a hospice program? They can provide a lot of resources not only for care, but also for the process of acceptance as things progress along.

With your father-in-law having dementia, can't he go with her to the assisted living facility where they both could get assistance? I have been there and done this recently, and it is hard in the beginning. My mom and dad lived in family home with 4 acres. Finally at the age of 87 my dad agreed to move him and my mom into a 2 bedroom condo on an assisted living/independent living/nursing home "campus". It was a big adjustment and lucky the person who bought their home took it as is with everything in it they left. Six months after moving in my dad ended up in the hospital. My mom has dementia and thank God there was one room in the assisted living tower to take my mom in until my dad got out. Well my dad came out, on hospice, and moved in with her. Three months later he died. I can't even imagine if this would have happened with them living in their original home. At least my mom had time to adjust to her new surroundings with my dad and ease into everything. She is doing really well now.

My parents had a very real love affair their whole life. Couple like that need to be together until the end. When my dad was getting rehab and my mom came to visit him, he would tell her how much he missed her, missed sleeping with her and how much he loved her. It made me cry because I have nowhere near that relationship with my husband. It was so touching to see.

Now to tell you a quick sidenote, from about 6 weeks since my dad's death my mom has been talking about meeting another guy - ha! Remember, she has dementia and my dad literally took care of her and guided her. I was telling this to a friend and he made a really good comment. People that have a very loving relationship want to be with someone else because they had such a good experience with the first relationship. It made total sense.

I tell my husband we need to buy our cemetery plots now. Maybe pay for our coffins in the next several years. I don't want to put my kids in this situation. It really was unfair to my brother and I. Nothing had been done to make my brother financial power of attorney or make both of us have health care power of attorney. We got that done while my dad was in rehab. facility. The bank accounts were set up all wrong for a situation like this and my brother is still trying to get access to all of them since my mom can't handle the finances.

i'm sorry you are going through this. sickness affects relationships beyond just the marriage. there are feelings of helplessness, guilt, stress, exhaustion. when i would hear people say "sick of being sick", i never understood until my mom got terminally ill. it was such a long and painful journey that was only going to end one way. it controlled her, she didn't control it. there came a time when she just got sick of being sick. it made her agitated, irritable, and we felt so helpless and scared to see her that way. it affected all relationships.

i wish your parents peace and comfort through their journey. i wish the same for you.

putabuttononit....Wow, I'm sorry that your parents AND parents-in-law
have so much anger and illness.  Has anything gotten better?  

I saved your thread to see what others are doing in these situations.
My Dad has lived with us almost 3 years, which has been SOOO
stressful, only because he has a HORRIBLE temper!  He's not rude
to *US*, he just yells and cusses when he drops things, can't
get his TV to work, etc. 

He's 91 and has been mostly healthy. He's had a few bad falls, but no serious injuries. DH jokes that Dad will outlive us all! 


But, the last 3 days, he's in the hospital for sepsis, and went
from acutely ill and barely speaking to improving a lot.

So, he's physically improving, but I'm at my breaking point for
other reasons!  His normal anger came back yesterday, I know
he HATES being in the hospital, and
I just cannot. handle. it. anymore.

What makes all of this much harder is dealing with my sister
and brother !!!!!!!!!!!!    Thank God, my dear hubby is
a saint !!!

Sis and bro have said for the last 3 years that they know
how hard it must be to have Dad living with us. I have
told them countless stories of how I cannot handle
his RAGE any longer, and it was time to find assisted living,
but he cannot afford it.

On top of the 3 years that DH and I have dealt with his
rage and impatience, now, we may need to deal with
long-term care, which---again, he cannot afford.

We don't know yet if he'll go to rehab/ SNF for a while, or they'll send him direcently home with us. He's going to need a home nurse to give IV antibiotics
for a lonnng time. Just that is freaking him out. 


Aside from all of that stress, my sister and brother are already upsetting
me for soooo many reasons!  I just cannot believe how bad they are
at dealing with all of this...it's so disappointing! I have explained MANY
of the potential health issues he could have, and how many long-term
care facilities are ALWAYS under-staffed, and even moreso with Covid.
They're not worried at all about what might happen, they are too
wrapped up in their own lives in another city.

I have been telling
them for yearssss that we needed to have PLANS for the future of his
care and what it was going to cost, but they just ignored it.  And now,
here we are.  No one wanted to help me plan anything----thanks! Also,
I'm angry with Dad that he never got long-term care insurance or
even just SOME kind of plan for the future. 

Long term care, assisted living, home care agencies with visiting nursing and home caregivers are all understaffed in my area. I work in a nursing home and the two agencies we refer to for visiting nursing which includes therapy take turns not accepting new referrals because they can’t keep up. I remember when they’d fight over referrals and now they can’t take them it’s a burden. Which is why the Medicare 3 night hospital stay waiver for the public health emergency got renewed. In some cases Medicare beneficiaries can be admitted to a nursing home for rehab without being hospitalized first.

Thinking of you all.

scrappintoee

so sorry to hear that things are hard for you too.

It is a very difficult time as our aged parents/loved ones come to end of life situations. 

DH and I have purchased our cemetery plots and paid for cremation fees so our DD and DS don’t have to worry about these costs. The rest of the service they choose for us will be up to them. Our wills are up to date and all relevant persons to be notified when the time comes.