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Post by nlwilkins on May 9, 2022 5:13:11 GMT
Hubby was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost three years ago. It had already spread to his bones so there is no cure. Youngest daughter is undergoing her own cancer. She is trying to be brave even though she is fighting more than just her cancer, but the health system as well.
ETA thanks for the support and sorry to have posted so little. I had posted more but just could not justify posting it. My question to you all is, how do I tell him that it is OK and he can discontinue the treatment whenever he wants? He is in constant pain yet continues on putting up with it for my sake. Actually he is close to being unable to make decisions as his mind seems to be slower and slower with each poison/chemo pill he takes (four a day for the rest of his life.)
2nd edit - he has a Pallative care doctor and sees her on a regular basis. We have been through all the help they can provide and have a DNR on the refrigerator and on file at the hospital. She has him on a maintenance dosage of pain meds in addition to the as needed kind that he takes when needed - actually there are times I have to almost bully him into taking more as he won't do it. He also sees a cancer doctor on a regular basis - time between visits has become shorter lately. But there is nothing more they can do for him. I've been to counseling before and find that it just does not seem to help. So I find other things that help like seeing a group of my friends once a month, etc.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,643
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on May 9, 2022 5:18:27 GMT
I'm so sorry.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 9, 2022 5:18:53 GMT
I’m so sorry. Sending hugs your family’s way.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 19:33:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2022 5:25:09 GMT
I’m so sorry.
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Post by lucyg on May 9, 2022 5:30:32 GMT
I’m very sorry. Sending peaceful wishes your way.
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Post by cawoman on May 9, 2022 5:47:32 GMT
I am sure those 2 things are very difficult to face every day. I'm so sorry.
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Post by flanz on May 9, 2022 5:59:42 GMT
My heart goes out to you. ((( hugs )))
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
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Post by Sue on May 9, 2022 6:38:45 GMT
I'm so very sorry. Positive thoughts and prayers for your dear husband and daughter and for you too.
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Post by AussieMeg on May 9, 2022 6:45:14 GMT
I'm so sorry that you're all having to deal with these horrible things.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 19:33:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2022 6:53:29 GMT
Gosh, that is a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry.
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Post by gillyp on May 9, 2022 6:53:47 GMT
You have a lot to contend with; I am sorry you are living like this.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on May 9, 2022 7:01:27 GMT
I’m so sorry. Do you have any help, or support groups? There are often resources available for the families of cancer patients, because it s SO hard. I hope you can find a way to do something nice for yourself today.
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Chinagirl828
Drama Llama
Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 6,468
Jun 28, 2014 6:28:53 GMT
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Post by Chinagirl828 on May 9, 2022 7:43:43 GMT
I'm so sorry, that is such an emotional burden to carry all at once.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on May 9, 2022 8:13:29 GMT
I’m so sorry. That is a lot to deal with.
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Post by gar on May 9, 2022 8:13:53 GMT
That is so much to bear, I’m so sorry for you all ((hugs))
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,626
Jun 27, 2014 2:21:22 GMT
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Post by valincal on May 9, 2022 8:24:49 GMT
I’m so sorry you and your family have so much to deal with. Sending hugs. Take care.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 9, 2022 8:31:06 GMT
I'm so sorry. That is too much to bear.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 9, 2022 9:04:12 GMT
I'm sorry. Cancer sucks, and the side effects from the treatments for it suck too.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 9, 2022 9:21:39 GMT
I don’t have any advice, but wanted to say how sorry I am that your family is enduring so much. {{Hugs}}
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on May 9, 2022 9:25:35 GMT
Following on from your edit...do you have a doctor or nurse who can have conversations about quality of life? There might be something else they can do for pain relief, or it could be that his current pain meds are affecting his mental state. I really hope you are getting good support from your team.
It is hard, I cared for both my grandparents and now I have incurable cancer myself. It is such a difficult path to navigate. It's important to try and find space for yourself and perhaps someone external to talk to? Does your hospital have any resources? I hate to think of you trying to work through all this alone.
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Post by elaine on May 9, 2022 9:37:36 GMT
(((Hugs))) craftykitten has good advice. I also think - in addition to doctors/nurses talking with him - that it is okay to just tell him what you told us: that it is okay with you, honestly, if he decides to stop treatment. That you see how hard it is and that because you love him you don’t want him to cause himself more pain if he decides that it has been enough. Cancer is awful.
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Post by compeateropeator on May 9, 2022 10:32:40 GMT
I am so sorry. I really have no advice other than I agree that you should try and reach out to the people at the hospital or center where he is receiving treatment. They, most likely, have people trained to help navigate this extremely hard and devastating road that you are on and may be able to provide some assistance. Again, I am so sorry for all of you, your daughter, and your husband (and your whole family) are going through. Sending hugs.
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Post by nightnurse on May 9, 2022 11:57:21 GMT
I am so sorry, cancer just sucks and the health care system should fight for patients not make thins so burdensome and expensive and confusing. I recommend a palliative care and/or hospice referral for your husband. They know how to reframe the conversation. We have such a culture of “fight the cancer” and prolong life at at all costs. It’s hard to change that mindset. I used to ask people a couple questions to reframe that-what are you fighting for? What’s important to you? How do you want your last months to look? As the palliative NP, most of my patients would initially be upset when I told them I was there because they were dying. They’d tell me no one had told them that before. I don’t use euphemismS I say it plainly. All of my palliative patients were eligible for hospice but felt that was “giving up.” It isn’t. And it provides so much comfort and support for the patient and family. Patients had a hard time telling their loved ones they were tired of fighting so I agree with telling your husband plainly what you’ve posted here. I hope you both can find some peace and comfort.
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Post by peasapie on May 9, 2022 12:42:42 GMT
I have no answers as I have not faced this yet, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you as you walk this difficult path.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,422
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on May 9, 2022 12:49:29 GMT
I'm so sorry for you and your family. Cancer really sucks
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hutchfan
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,103
Jul 6, 2016 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by hutchfan on May 9, 2022 12:50:31 GMT
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will be praying for your family. Sending hugs.
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Post by gramasue on May 9, 2022 12:51:19 GMT
I would just tell him. You would be saying that out of love, and I'm sure he will understand that.
I'm so sorry for all your pain and anguish. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family. Take care of yourself.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on May 9, 2022 12:53:51 GMT
So sorry.🫂
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Post by Patter on May 9, 2022 12:58:28 GMT
I am so sorry and cannot imagine. I just prayed for you and your family.
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Post by mikklynn on May 9, 2022 13:12:43 GMT
My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine dealing with my DD's cancer and my DH's.
I can tell you that after recently losing my DH to cancer after a nearly 15 year fight, the palliative care team was wonderful. They helped us have difficult conversations and helped with the transition to hospice care.
Please accept any and all help offered. I had a really hard time with that.
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