Advice needed. How do I help my friend, who lost her son?

I am so very sorry for the loss that your friend is experiencing.  Very difficult.

Mention her child's name and the fun times that you had with him.  

I had someone just say to me today he is the father of "four sons, three still living." So, as others have mentioned - say his name; don't be afraid to talk about him, reminisce about him and just be a shoulder for her.

My heart hurts for her.

I’m so sorry.

I don’t think there are the right words for this. Whatever you say is what your heart feels is good for her. Her grief process is unique to her. Offer to be there to talk, walk, hug, etc. you sound like a good friend.

I lost my child similarly almost 3 months ago.

Honestly the very best thing you can do is be exactly the same friend you were before the death. Talking about yours and hers jobs. Talking about the people in the family. Talking about the new dress you bought or what you had for dinner. the subject of her child will come up. something said will spark it. And then she will need to speak. Then you show empathy...like I understand that must be difficult. Or in case where it is a good memory that arises, say I remember that too or what an amazing kids he was. And then continue talking about everything else.

That is the best way my friends are being my friends. When you lose a child or anyone really, many of us have people in our immediate circle who are grieving too. we aren't a mess of constant crying and we don't want the entire focus of our friendship with you to be on our loss. Our lives are going on. Our jobs are going on. We are finding joy in new things, new projects, new purchases, newness in a lot of things. Talk about those things.

Don't keep bringing up our loss. Don't keep asking with pity how we are doing. Don't think we need to cry it out with everyone and anyone. We don't. We need you to be the exact same friend you were before.

And if you lived close I would also say that we need to spend time doing things that life has to offer. Take us out to dinner. Craft with us. Take us to a museum or a winery. Remind us that there are wonderful things life has to offer.

This is what grieving people need. This is what I need from my friends. And don't tell us we are doing well. Don't tell us you can't imagine what our loss must be like. And certainly don't tell a person trying so hard to function that you don't know we are doing it because you would take to your bed for months and not be able to function. None of that is helpful.

I am so sorry for your friend. For so many of us, I imagine, that is our absolute worst fear. It is so unfair that she lost her child. And unfair for him that he didn't get a full life.

This will sound a little silly, but, years ago, I bought a book for my kids called "The Quiet Bunny." In it, a child is processing his emotions about a far more trivial thing (knocking over a block tower he'd worked on), and q number of well-meaning animals try to help; the one who comforts him the most is the one who sits with him and lets him talk about how he feels. I think often it really is that simple--the gift of quiet companionship and acknowledgement.

My son has been gone for 10 months now. The worst months of my life. I have an amazing friend who told me she'd come over and do anything I needed. I did NOT want her to. I just wanted to sit and cry. Still, I forced myself to say yes, BUT - I cannot be the sole focus. If you can bring over people and just sit around and talk or whatever, it takes the pressure of the person grieving. Every single Monday night they come over to my house and a group of incredible women are there for me. It is amazing. You don't have to be nearby to do this. You can zoom.

Also, it takes time - it still does not feel real to me. Not at all. Every first time I talk to someone is awful, but the people I talk to regularly are the biggest help. I just need people to act normally around me and not - not at all - ask me questions about what I want. I only want my son back. I am incapable of making any serious decisions so it's helpful when others do it for me. Obviously I say yes and now, but it's the open-ended questions that are too much for me.

Don't give up. Everything I do is an effort, but I keep trying. It is so helpful for me when others do most of the work, like reaching out. I'll respond, but it's hard for me to reach out. And it really is much easier when it's at least two people and me so I can be quiet if I need to.