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Post by peace on Jul 7, 2022 19:47:35 GMT
as you describe this scenario- you can nope all the way out. It sounds like impending drama and since you don't have the need to say goodbye, do yourself a favor and go on your vacation. Take care of you. You're allowed to do that.
I am sorry for your loss.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,528
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jul 7, 2022 20:11:21 GMT
My family/culture is big on funerals. You show up (and bring the kids! LOL).
Your situation sounds different. I am a big proponent of funerals in general, but I think you don't have to go to this one.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 7, 2022 20:14:50 GMT
No don't go.. No need to. You have plans that can't be broken. Be strong... no guilt.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 7, 2022 20:36:59 GMT
Not only should you not go, you should enjoy every minute of your vacation.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 7, 2022 20:37:14 GMT
At first I thought, yes, you should go..until I read that it was moved to a date in the middle of your already planned vacation. Since you or your mother haven't seen her in over 15 years and you ALREADY have vacation plans that are difficult to change, then I would say it is okay to miss it. Perhaps you can get together with your mom at another time but I don't think you need to go to funeral in this circumstance.
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Post by Lexica on Jul 7, 2022 20:38:26 GMT
I don’t think you have any obligation to attend the funeral of a relative you were not close to and hadn’t seen in years. I think sending the basket and maybe flowers to the funeral would be plenty. Enjoy your vacation and do not let your mother or anyone else make you feel guilty.
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Post by busy on Jul 7, 2022 20:39:32 GMT
I think you're absolutely justified in sitting this one out. I suspect your therapist would agree. It's ok to prioritize your well-being.
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Post by busy on Jul 7, 2022 20:47:24 GMT
Will there be someone else there to support your mom? I couldn't let my mom go alone to her sister's funeral, especially if she's still grieving her husband, so I could go on vacation. I'll be up front - I have a difficult relationship with my mother and she's manipulative and prone to guilt trips. So that biases me. But if I were in this situation, I would advise her I would not be attending and that I didn't think she should either, given the drama bound to ensue, the broken relationship with her sisters, etc. If she still wanted to go, I'd try to help her find someone to go with her, but if there was no one and she still insisted on going, she's an adult and can make her own choices. I would not (once again) sacrifice my mental health and my family time for more of her drama.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,765
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 7, 2022 20:50:20 GMT
You have no obligation to go to the funeral. Send a card with your condolences and mention you will not be able to make to the service.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 5:26:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2022 21:10:25 GMT
By going, you’d increase the likelihood that your mom would go and knowing that she’s “spoiling for a fight”, I’d pass even if you didn’t have vacation plans. Let that family grieve in peace.
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Post by piebaker on Jul 7, 2022 21:20:58 GMT
You don't have to go and you should probably discourage your mother from attending if she will only become upset or upset the mourners.Your uncle already kept your mom away from your aunt's last days.
The basket and the card are your contributions to support the grieving family.
Funerals are becoming smaller and smaller due to the pandemic and, honestly, the cost of fuel to drive or hotel rooms to attend.
You also already have vacation plans. Tell your mom the deposit is non-refundable.
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Post by bc2ca on Jul 7, 2022 21:56:36 GMT
I'm so sorry you have more family drama to deal with and do not think you are obligated to attend this funeral. In fact, I think it would be a bad idea all around to go and give your mom an opening for even more drama.
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dawnnikol
Prolific Pea
'A life without books is a life not lived.' Jay Kristoff
Posts: 7,948
Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Jul 7, 2022 22:02:17 GMT
Nope, I wouldn't go at all. You can try to tell your Mom not to go, but that's on her. Enjoy your vacation!
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,376
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 7, 2022 22:04:47 GMT
Definitely skip it, and let your mom know you're not going so she can factor that into her own decision as to whether to go. Just let her know you already have vacation plans & you aren't going to be available to help her if she gets stuck. I'd help her book things, but that's it... and I'd only do the booking for her as an opportunity to teach her how to do it herself.
And let the record show that I am normally a 'family first - you can go on vacation another time,' type.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,878
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Jul 7, 2022 22:09:02 GMT
No, you don't have to go. Enjoy your family vacation.
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Post by welshjenni on Jul 7, 2022 22:15:09 GMT
No reason for you to go, enjoy your holiday.
Can you find out if the funeral parlour could video the service that you mother can watch at home either in real time or later when she is ready to view it. In fact you could offer to view it with your mother if that seems feasible
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Post by littlemama on Jul 7, 2022 22:45:27 GMT
You do not have to cancel a family vacation for this.
My famous saying is "If our presence at the event was that important to the organizer, they would have consulted with us on the date." - Ive only had to say it out loud twice, both times to MIL who doesnt understand the concept of a prior committment when the prior committment isnt one she approves of.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jul 8, 2022 0:03:21 GMT
You don't have to go. Funerals are not really for the person who died. They are really for those left behind. If you don't need the closure of a funeral for someone you weren't close to, then don't go. You should enjoy your vacation and don't feel any guilt about it.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,022
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on Jul 8, 2022 1:40:29 GMT
Generally, I am a believer in going to the funeral. However, in this case, it sounds like a blessing that you already have a paid vacation. I'm sorry for your loss and that it has caused drama.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 8, 2022 1:45:21 GMT
I’d take a pass on that. Your vacation was already set, that’s your excuse to not go and IMO it’s a good one. From the sound of things, your mom should probably take a pass on it too since being around her other siblings will only cause her even more pain.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 8, 2022 13:25:51 GMT
Don't go. You don't need the drama.
When my DH died, several of our close friends had trips planned. None of them canceled and I encouraged them not to cancel.
Send a card and call it good. Do NOT let your mother convince you to go.
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 8, 2022 13:36:46 GMT
ETA: Assuming my mother goes, I will have to make the arrangements; she doesn't know how to do things like buy plane tickets or rent cars. A travel agent can provide this service and will be available if anything go awry. Please remove yourself from all responsibility within this situation. This way you cannot be blamed for anything and you will be worry-free on your much deserved vacation.
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2022 14:27:18 GMT
Good update! Is mom ok with you not coming since you arranged travel plans in her favor?
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,022
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on Jul 8, 2022 14:27:43 GMT
Good update. Hugs.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 8, 2022 14:44:18 GMT
Good update! Is mom ok with you not coming since you arranged travel plans in her favor? She is fine with it, I think, although she has framed it as "well they didn't come to your wedding or your dad's funeral so it's what they deserve" which is more of a retaliatory thought process than I went through, but, whatever works I guess.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 8, 2022 14:53:04 GMT
Good update! Is mom ok with you not coming since you arranged travel plans in her favor? She is fine with it, I think, although she has framed it as "well they didn't come to your wedding or your dad's funeral so it's what they deserve" which is more of a retaliatory thought process than I went through, but, whatever works I guess. I hope it goes smoother than you fear - drama and funerals are a pretty painful mix. Enjoy your vacation.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 8, 2022 14:54:21 GMT
Great update!!
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Post by jenjie on Jul 8, 2022 15:03:55 GMT
Good update! Is mom ok with you not coming since you arranged travel plans in her favor? She is fine with it, I think, although she has framed it as "well they didn't come to your wedding or your dad's funeral so it's what they deserve" which is more of a retaliatory thought process than I went through, but, whatever works I guess. Oh my. At least it works in your favor. I hope your mom finds peace.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 8, 2022 15:19:07 GMT
I'm glad that you found a solution. Take your vacation and enjoy it.
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Post by stargazer on Jul 8, 2022 19:44:29 GMT
I’m so glad you aren’t going. You have done the right thing all round x
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