sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 25, 2022 15:10:30 GMT
Something else, depending on the circumstances?
I get being curious-- I know that I'm curious about it when I hear of a death.
I was just on the receiving end of a Facebook message from a stranger. She says she was a longtime friend of my late BF (died in 2019), and wondered 'what he passed of.'
I don't want to answer. The question irritates me, and how it was delivered bugs me as well. And the timing. It's not logical to me that I'm irritated. But I am.
Should I answer her? I feel petty and weird withholding the info.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 25, 2022 15:12:26 GMT
I vote that it is a terrible thing to ask. I totally don't answer people when they ask about my child. I've told all whose business I think it is. The rest can just wonder unless and until I'm ready to talk about it.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 25, 2022 15:12:49 GMT
It's tacky and rude. I know that she's curious, but you lost someone who you loved. She needs to save her curiosity for the end of a detective show and not ask insensitive questions. Being irritated is very logical. I'd be totally annoyed. "I'm really moving on w/my life and prefer not to discuss it". Let her wonder.
That people would ask about your child, just makes steam come out of my ears, jeremysgirl . Who does that? People should be offering you comfort and support, not petty shit. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 25, 2022 15:14:58 GMT
Unbelievably rude and tacky to ask. I get being curious, that’s human nature, but if the cause isn’t listed in the obituary there’s no reason to ask.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jul 25, 2022 15:15:23 GMT
Rude.
Ignore her.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,612
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 25, 2022 15:15:33 GMT
It's rude, nosy and tacky. And I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that.
If she was close enough to know, she'd know.
And I'm a super nosy person who always wants to know everything - so I get where she's coming from, but some things you just don't do. And this is one of them.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 25, 2022 15:16:43 GMT
It's tacky and rude. I know that she's curious, but you lost someone whom you loved. She needs to save her curiosity for the end of a detective show and not ask insensitive questions. Being irritated is very logical. I'd be totally annoyed. "I'm really moving on w/my life and prefer not to discuss it". Let her wonder. Love that 'save her curiosity..' quote! |
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 25, 2022 15:17:12 GMT
I never ask anyone about the cause of death, but as a human the first thing I wonder is 'what happened'. If I really want to know I will research it on my own and if I can't find the answer I drop it.
I get why people wanting to know but I don't think that person should be asking either. There are certain times I guess asking is okay... but all in all, I don't think a person should ask.
Should you answer her? That is up to you.. I don't know what is right or wrong. I guess if it was me, I would answer.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Jul 25, 2022 15:17:59 GMT
Its tacky and rude, especially when you are not close/immediate family. Although I might be curious I would never ask. It is a loss to their loved ones, no matter what the cause of their passing is.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 25, 2022 15:19:33 GMT
I think it is human nature to want to know. It might help with closure.
I also think it is rude and tacky to ask close loved ones the question.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 25, 2022 15:36:08 GMT
Incredibly rude and tacky and I wouldn't hesitate to ignore who or block her on FB.
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Post by Scrapper100 on Jul 25, 2022 15:38:10 GMT
Totally rude and tacky. I wouldn’t answer if you don’t feel like it. Totally human nature to be curious I know I am curious about several people that have passed but I would never track down a relative and ask. That’s rude and insensitive.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 25, 2022 15:40:33 GMT
I think it is human nature to be curious as to why someone may have passed before old age. However, I don't think it is ever appropriate to ask that question.
I don't think you should ignore her, but if you don't want to disclose this to her, I would just reply with "For privacy reason, I prefer not to discuss" and leave it at that.
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Post by malibou on Jul 25, 2022 15:41:48 GMT
I would ignore her. I wonder about a lot of things, but know my lane when it comes to inappropriate curiosity.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662 
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Post by Rhondito on Jul 25, 2022 15:42:22 GMT
If the cause of death isn't offered, don't ask.
I cringe every time I see people ask "What happened?" on FB when someone has died unexpectedly. Just don't.
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Post by jewelie121 on Jul 25, 2022 15:43:08 GMT
My mom and sister were in a horrible accident a couple of months ago. They both almost died. My sister is still in a rehab facility recovering and my mom is now living with my DH and I. The questions people have asked/still ask are mind boggling. It’s not random peoples business, who worked with them 20 years ago. It’s just not. I either don’t answer at all or give a very generic response.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 15:31:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2022 15:51:38 GMT
Oh my! It's not really her business. It's personal. My take on such things is that anyone in their inner circle knows, and anyone who doesn't know wasn't in that circle.
I'd bet it was awkward for you to even hear such a question. I'm sorry. I'd avoid even speaking to this nosy person.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Jul 25, 2022 15:52:36 GMT
Curiosity is natural, but man, there are some things you just don't ask or say.
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Post by pjaye on Jul 25, 2022 15:53:10 GMT
I think it's perfectly normal - but that could also be due to my career.
If I've been close to someone in the past and suddenly found out they died and they weren't very old then I do feel like I want to know to kind of 'complete the circle' and to make sense of it for myself.
I think it depends on how long ago it was and who and how you ask. It could definitely come across as inappropriate but if this was someone he was close to once, I wouldn't withhold that information from them.
I was thinking about an old boyfriend during covid and tried to look him up on FB, his ex-wife and kids were there, but I couldn't find him. Finally found a death notice but it didn't list the cause. I did quite a bit of digging until I found it. It did feel like it was important to know so that I could mourn him properly.
Perhaps that doesn't make sense to everyone, but it did to me.
My father died a few years ago and we have an uncommon last name, if one of his old friends found me on FB and asked me about his death, I'd have no problem at all talking to them about it.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,612
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 25, 2022 15:54:59 GMT
My mom and sister were in a horrible accident a couple of months ago. They both almost died. My sister is still in a rehab facility recovering and my mom is now living with my DH and I. The questions people have asked/still ask are mind boggling. It’s not random peoples business, who worked with them 20 years ago. It’s just not. I either don’t answer at all or give a very generic response. I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope they both make full recoveries. And yes, awful to ask in a situation like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with other people's morbid curiosity. |
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Post by littlemama on Jul 25, 2022 16:00:14 GMT
It is pretty normal where I live to wonder what happened and yes, to ask. Not the immediate family unless one is extremely close to them, but the grapevine works. My mom does a lot of genealogy and when I was a kid, I always wondered why the cause of death wasnt noted in death notices. In jeremysgirl's situation, it is far, far too soon for someone to be asking her as the parent. Im sorry that happened to you. ETA, when FIL passed away, there were rumors that he died by suicide. We didnt have a cause of death for 13 weeks and we suffered from the rumors that entire time until we knew what happened. I would have loved to have known the cause at the time and we would have shared the cause. |
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Post by mayceesgranny on Jul 25, 2022 16:03:16 GMT
I agree - rude and tacky. Last week a 30-year-old woman in my office was upset because a high school classmate of hers died and she didn't know why. She was searching all over the internet to find out what happened. She said she thought obituaries should list the cause of death in them, then she wouldn't have to spend so much time looking it up.
Um - no! I totally disagree.
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,611
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jul 25, 2022 16:09:01 GMT
I'm always curious but would never ask. It's rude and tacky.
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Post by stormsts on Jul 25, 2022 16:13:00 GMT
I understand being curious but it is incredibly rude and tacky to ask.
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Post by gizzy on Jul 25, 2022 16:14:19 GMT
I may be curious but I'd never ever ask how someone died. Especially from someone I didn't know. I vote tacky.
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Post by gar on Jul 25, 2022 16:32:23 GMT
I think it’s entirely natural to wonder - especially to someone ‘young’ but it doesn’t make it ok to ask. I imagine often it’s out of people’s mouths before they realise.
That doesn’t mean you have to answer though, at all.
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,000
Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Jul 25, 2022 16:36:25 GMT
When I posted on FB that my brother had passed away (it was sudden, heart attack). Three people from the same family posted asking me what happened. I couldn't believe the gall. If I didn't post what happened in my initial post why would you ask in the same thread?
What bothered me was they hadn't been close friends or in contact w/my brother since we were all back in HS. and I personally hadn't seen them in at least 15 years. I didn't respond to their questions. It was hard enough to make the announcement.
I'm with you, its upsetting.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jul 25, 2022 16:46:43 GMT
If she was that much of a friend, why did it take her three years to notice he’d died?
I vote tacky and I would just block her.
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Post by scraplette on Jul 25, 2022 16:55:37 GMT
Understandably tacky?
I’ve developed a sense of when someone is asking because they care versus asking due to prurient curiosity.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 25, 2022 17:03:31 GMT
I think it's perfectly normal - but that could also be due to my career. If I've been close to someone in the past and suddenly found out they died and they weren't very old then I do feel like I want to know to kind of 'complete the circle' and to make sense of it for myself. I think it depends on how long ago it was and who and how you ask. It could definitely come across as inappropriate but if this was someone he was close to once, I wouldn't withhold that information from them. I was thinking about an old boyfriend during covid and tried to look him up on FB, his ex-wife and kids were there, but I couldn't find him. Finally found a death notice but it didn't list the cause. I did quite a bit of digging until I found it. It did feel like it was important to know so that I could mourn him properly. Perhaps that doesn't make sense to everyone, but it did to me. My father died a few years ago and we have an uncommon last name, if one of his old friends found me on FB and asked me about his death, I'd have no problem at all talking to them about it. But this aspect is why I think it can often be viewed as painful for the family. The suggestion that there is varying degrees of the "right" way to die worthy of mourning. I'm not suggesting that this is what you were feeling, but it can come across that way to the people grieving - especially if there is anything even remotely attributable to "fault" by the deceased. I don't think people realize sometime the extreme insensitivity people deal with when family members die - and the desire for people to justify a tragedy by assigning blame to the deceased. It may also be human nature to rationalize a tragedy never happening to them or their family if they can assign blame - but it sure as hell isn't fun for the family. Just something to keep in mind for those who struggle with the curiosity and want to reach out and ask questions. |
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