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Post by Really Red on Aug 4, 2022 5:18:42 GMT
Tonight I had a glass of wine with my daughter. A fly had been in my house for a day or so annoying me and apparently it decided its final resting place was - you know it - my glass of wine. It was disgusting and funny and then I just lost it. I couldn't even focus. It's been 11 months since I lost my son and I just feel like I cannot handle it anymore. I am so SO sad. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. Every minute of every day I spend trying not to think of what I should have done differently. It doesn't matter what I would say to anyone in my position or how much my son and I discussed this; I feel responsible. His birthday was 2 weeks ago and it was the first without him. I watched him sing "You are my sunshine" to me on a video when he was 3yo and he was so fresh and sweet and I just don't know how to go on.
I cannot show my girls the depth of my sadness. They only have me and I know they are terrified for me. I pretend all the time around them because they are SO sad. We talk about our sadness, but if they saw how sad I was right now, I think it would terrify them.
I am all over the place. I have one of my girls with me (who came for his bday so I wouldn't be alone), but it is hard that they are in Europe and I am in the US. I can't be there because I work for a contractor for the government and we're not allowed to work in Europe. I just want my girls with me all the time and that isn't healthy for any of us.
I was never sad before this. Just never. Not in the worst of my divorce or the aftermath. Not when I had to take care of my ex. Nothing prepared me for the depth of grief of losing a child.
There's nothing to add. I just can't say this to my family or friends because they are so sad for me and feel so helpless (as would I in their place). I don't want to make them feel worse. I just have to get it out.
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Post by aj2hall on Aug 4, 2022 5:32:54 GMT
I’m so sorry. That seems so inadequate, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.
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Post by destined2bmom on Aug 4, 2022 5:40:57 GMT
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.
I am taking a class called Griefshare. It is offered in churches around the country. It has interviews with people who have suffered all kinds of losses. What people say to them, how they feel about their losses, how they are trying to move on. It also has psychologists, who have suffered losses and talk about what they and others have gone through in their lives. I have found for myself, that the first year I was in shock and the second year, became more of a reality of what the rest of my life was going to be like with my losses. The second, third and fourth years were actually harder for me than the first year. But I can tell you going through this program has really helped me.
I hope that you can either find a grief counselor or a group that you can join, like Griefshare to help you.
Again, I am so sorry that you are suffering and are in so much pain. Huge hugs and prayers to you.
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Post by chaosisapony on Aug 4, 2022 6:00:26 GMT
I'm so sorry. I wish I had something better to offer you but the peas are here to listen.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,769
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Aug 4, 2022 6:12:02 GMT
Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
You don't mention any grief counselling, is that an option? I'm hoping the peas can offer some options you can reach out to for help.
Hugs
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Post by lesserknownpea on Aug 4, 2022 6:20:22 GMT
This the right place to share. We care.
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Post by malibou on Aug 4, 2022 6:24:23 GMT
Oh kitten, please know, that from the depth of my heart, I am embracing you in a solid hug for as long as you need.
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Post by cindytred on Aug 4, 2022 6:40:14 GMT
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, I know the pain and sadness you are experiencing. I lost my son 11 years ago. I am here if you want to talk.
Cindy
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Post by gillyp on Aug 4, 2022 7:33:31 GMT
I am so very sorry you are so lonely with such thoughts and sadness and despair. If you’ve not had any grief counselling or did just shortly after your son passed, I would urge you to go again and speak with those who can hopefully help and guide you. Sending you many gentle cyber hugs.
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Post by Monica* on Aug 4, 2022 7:40:01 GMT
I am praying for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Not sure if you are a religious or spiritual person, but that is another avenue besides counseling you can turn to.
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Post by quinlove on Aug 4, 2022 7:53:18 GMT
I understand your not wanting to let your daughters know just how very sad you are. Because if they knew the true suffering that you are experiencing, it would really hurt them, and that, would even hurt you more. You know that we are always here for you at any time. Reach out to one of us who has experienced your loss, if you are comfortable with that.
I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your son. I truly hope that you can feel all the love that the peas are sending to you. 🧡
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Post by peasapie on Aug 4, 2022 8:20:08 GMT
You poor lamb. I’m giving you a hug right now.
One of the hardest things about being a parent is knowing we can’t fix everything, no matter how hard we try. The expression about giving them roots and wings is true - and as scary as it is to let them fly in this world full of dangers, it’s part of our job. The rest is up to them and their free will. Try to let go of the feeling that you could or should have done anything differently.
I’m so sorry you were left with this terrible, aching loss. . Please be kind to yourself and know we are here to listen and care.
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Post by gar on Aug 4, 2022 8:20:47 GMT
You are enduring the thing every parents fears the most. I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to do but maybe grief counselling will help you catch your breath and see a way forward.
I wish I could do something to ease your pain ((hugs))
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Post by KelleeM on Aug 4, 2022 9:18:20 GMT
I’m so sorry.
All grief is different.
I lost my husband almost 3 years ago. I haven’t moved on but rather have trudged through. I am sad a lot. I mourn what I had and what I lost and what never will be again. I hold it in most of the time these days but I have cried so many tears in the past years.
I wish I had sage advice for you. I don’t. I can’t imagine your loss. If you haven’t sought medical or psychological help maybe you should. If I didn’t take antidepressants I would not get out of bed in the morning.
Sending you love.
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Post by atomicdog on Aug 4, 2022 9:52:56 GMT
I'm so sorry. I have no words to help, but wanted to send prayers of hope. I encourage you to find a grief counselor who can help you work through some of this. We're all sending our love.
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gensmith
Full Member
Posts: 168
Jun 2, 2020 8:49:08 GMT
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Post by gensmith on Aug 4, 2022 10:06:05 GMT
I’m so very sorry. I went back and read some about your son and he sounds like a wonderful person that touched many lives. It’s just awful that he’s not with you and I’m just so so sorry.
Please keep coming here and talking. We can try and walk with you as you go through this. Sending big hugs.
If you feel up to it tell us a few of your memories. What were his favorite things?
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 4, 2022 10:29:55 GMT
 Losing a child really is the worst thing that can happen to us. |
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Post by christine58 on Aug 4, 2022 10:52:17 GMT
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son. I am taking a class called Griefshare. It is offered in churches around the country. It has interviews with people who have suffered all kinds of losses. What people say to them, how they feel about their losses, how they are trying to move on. It also has psychologists, who have suffered losses and talk about what they and others have gone through in their lives. I have found for myself, that the first year I was in shock and the second year, became more of a reality of what the rest of my life was going to be like with my losses. The second, third and fourth years were actually harder for me than the first year. But I can tell you going through this program has really helped me. I hope that you can either find a grief counselor or a group that you can join, like Griefshare to help you. Again, I am so sorry that you are suffering and are in so much pain. Huge hugs and prayers to you. I highly recommend this! Really Red I am just so sorry about the loss of your son. I know you don’t want to show your girls how filled with grief you are but maybe you could show them some of it. They may be grieving as hard as you and are keeping it in because they don’t want to upset you. It does sound like you were able to have some conversations with your son before he passed. I know that gave me great comfort as my father was dying. I urge you to seek out some counseling specifically someone who is trained in grief counseling. It has helped me a lot over the past couple of months dealing with the loss of my dad and then my great nephew shortly after he was born in 2020 |
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Post by mollycoddle on Aug 4, 2022 10:56:40 GMT
I’m sorry, and am also wondering if grief counseling might help. Be gentle with yourself.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305 
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Post by kibblesandbits on Aug 4, 2022 11:00:53 GMT
I am so sorry for your gigantic loss. Some days are so hard to get through, and you're suffering through the "firsts". My heard breaks for yours.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Aug 4, 2022 11:06:03 GMT
I’m glad you can tell us how you’re feeling if you can’t/don’t want to share with others. It’s just awful you have to walk this road. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be this way. You’ve managed the most heroic of feats every day since he’s been gone. I have no doubts you’ll continue and eventually get to a normal that is less brutally painful.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 4, 2022 11:22:01 GMT
You are still in a very fresh stage of grief. Time is possibly the greatest healer. Meanwhile having a safe and healing place to process the sadness and pain is strongly recommended as so many have already mentioned. You need that for yourself, for your girls, and for the memory of your son. You know he would want you to be able to live well.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 4, 2022 11:22:55 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain and sadness. I'd echo the grief counseling and medication if you aren't already doing that.
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Post by jovifan on Aug 4, 2022 11:32:00 GMT
I just want to (hug) you!
Grief counseling for sure.
I know you don’t want to express anything to your girls but I would suggest your friends. That’s what your friends are for! ….and faking it around them isn’t healthy for you. They may even know you’re faking it but don’t want to ask.
The peas are here for you and I think you need professional help, along eith opening up to a friend or friends in your personal world 💚
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Post by compeateropeator on Aug 4, 2022 12:00:19 GMT
I am so so sorry.
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Post by tallgirl on Aug 4, 2022 12:09:06 GMT
I'm so sorry. They say there is no worse human experience than losing a child, and I can only imagine what that must feel like. Your feelings are completely valid.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,444
Location: Fergus, Ontario
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Post by cakediva on Aug 4, 2022 12:26:48 GMT
Hugs.....
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Post by piebaker on Aug 4, 2022 12:31:59 GMT
I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. This was all sudden and still only a short time ago. His birthday was bound to bring searing pangs of grief as will the holidays and your first birthday without him.
Hold your daughters close when they visit. I'm sorry your employment stops you from visiting them. Maybe you could meet somewhere in the middle, away from your home and the memories for a respite?
Please speak to your friends and a counselor, (or more than one if that person doesn't address your needs), and perhaps consider medication for a short time so you can begin to process your grief.
I was widowed many years ago and my best friend's mother was also widowed and she said it took her two years to come out from under the waves of grief, to live each breath and each moment until that happened for her children and I did that for me and my daughters.
I know the situations are different and I cannot imagine the depth of your ache, but please give yourself grace and time.
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Post by Merge on Aug 4, 2022 12:34:08 GMT
Sending hugs to you. I hope you’re able to find something that helps.
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Post by elaine on Aug 4, 2022 12:35:25 GMT
(((Hugs)))
I cannot express how sorry I am. I wish that I could ease the pain, and know that I cannot. 😢
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Losing a child really is the worst thing that can happen to us. 
