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Post by lisae on Aug 23, 2022 1:21:27 GMT
The churches here provide meals. Personally I hate after funeral meals and opt out if at all possible. It just isn't the time to me to have to make polite conversation with a room full of people.
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Post by snugglebutter on Aug 23, 2022 3:04:59 GMT
Where I grew up in the Midwest, churches had the bereavement committees that provided the meals etc. Where I live now in the south, I just haven't had as much experience going to funerals to really say. If church members are making funeral meals I haven't heard about it. I do see a lot of meal trains etc for the weeks following a death.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Aug 23, 2022 3:16:24 GMT
My church provides a meal that a committee sets up and provides. I’m on the committee so I get an email with a sign up genius link. The requests are very specific. We try to accommodate most diets and allergies. The family sometimes requests specific dishes. Whatever is left over we pack up and send it home with them if they want it. This is free of charge.
My sister and parent’s churches also provide a meal but you are charged per person.
I’ve never been to a meal at a family’s home ever.
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Post by hopemax on Aug 23, 2022 3:39:57 GMT
I've never heard of a church providing the meal and we are catholic. When it comes to what I experience, where the church provided the meal, were both Lutheran. I don't know if it's regional or what. The first was for my Mom, small town in Northern Illinois. It was important for my Grandma to have a memorial service and my parents had made two big moves and didn't have a large groups of people needing to gather where they ended up, so we went to my Mom's home town for the memorial. It allowed all her family to be there, and it was close enough to where my Dad had grown up that some of his family drove down from Milwaukee. My Mom used to talk about how weddings in her town were simple, just a cake, nuts and mints in the church basement, but my Dad was Catholic and so they had a big wedding with a reception in a hall, but she had wished she could have just had the "simple" in the church basement. She finally got it. My Grandma was one of the oldest members of the church, so it was important for all of her church friends to do this for her, but it sounded like they did it for everyone. Like others mentioned, a set of base items paid for by the Church Ladies group, and additional "pot luck" style salads and desserts brought by other members of the church. The second was for DH's grandmother in WA. She was also one of the oldest members. I don't know the specifics on how it was arranged, but the church had a big room set up with tables, and a buffet, overseen by a group of church people. But it felt more catered food, less potluck. Like if the church handled the arrangements so the family didn't, but who paid, I don't know. I was raised Catholic and those were like I mentioned before, the big shindig for my Grandpa, and for my other Grandma there were so few of her friends and family still living we just rented a room at a German restaurant.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 23, 2022 4:17:10 GMT
We don’t have a church. Usually memorial services are at a hotel or club, and the food afterwards is catered by the venue. I’ve been to lots of church funerals for friends/parents of friends, and it seems to me we’ve usually ended up at someone’s house afterwards and there was food. I don’t know where the food comes from, catered or from a restaurant, I guess. Oh, the last one was at the local Catholic church, and it was professionally catered in the hall afterwards. It seems to me that when my MIL, GMIL, and SIL died (all Catholic but no longer church-going) the services were at the big cemetery chapel in San Jose and we went somewhere (a church hall, maybe?) afterwards and it was catered by the ladies who worked there or maybe they were volunteers. Yeah, I’m a really reliable source. Anyway, I’ve taken food directly to families after a death, but never taken food to a funeral.
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christinec68
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Post by christinec68 on Aug 23, 2022 9:39:43 GMT
It’s been my experience that the immediate/closest family hosts a luncheon at a local restaurant for the people who attend the funeral or memorial service.
When my FIL passed away some church committee gave a cake to my MIL which she served during the dinner break on the day of the wake. She had the dinner catered at the house by a pizzeria. It was the first time I had experienced that…where the church provided anything like that.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 23, 2022 10:56:35 GMT
In my experiences, churches used to provide and serve the meals. Now so many churches are struggling with aging congregations, so the family provides the meal. I have picked up deli trays for several funerals and asked friends to help keep an eye on things for refills, etc.
When DH died, I had it catered. It was sandwiches, salads, veggie tray, and bars for dessert. It was not terribly expensive.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 23, 2022 13:16:49 GMT
When my mom died we (DH and I) were expected to host a meal at her house after the funeral. We did it there as it was large enough to hold everyone. We were expected to cover the cost. They came through like locusts and ate before I could get a plate. I was chatting with my uncle in the living room who was bereft, her loss was somewhat sudden and I think shocked him. The others treated it like a bit of a family BBQ ( I don't mean that snotty) we rarely see each other and it was an opportunity to catch up.
After the funeral we had trays catered in for a reception. She was young and had many friends and was very active in her church. It was expected that I pay for it, but she was active with the altar guild (the group that sets everything up) and I never saw a bill. Had I been in a better state of mind I would have dropped them a check, but honestly it was such a blur I didn't realize until much later that I never paid for it.
So while food "appears" someone somewhere coordinates it, be it the family or someone close to the family.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 23, 2022 13:28:46 GMT
So funny reading the responses.. seems like half the church hosts and the other half the family hosts it. Since I come from a church who hosts the main meal (and other members supply the side dishes/desserts) for me that take the pressure off the family to think about feeding people. The family is in mourning and making all the other arrangements that it is nice not have to worry about getting food for a lot of people.
Seems by region what we are all used to and by religion. I would say not anyone is wrong or whatever... just interesting to hear everyone's different ways.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Aug 23, 2022 14:57:35 GMT
The first time I volunteered at my church for this the elderly dh of the woman in charge chased me down as I left to give me a clean refill container “for next time”. They were just the sweetest couple.
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scrappinmama
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 23, 2022 15:07:49 GMT
When my father passed away, we ordered food and a cousin picked it up for us. He quickly recognized that we underestimated how many people would stay for the meal so he bought desserts and things to munch on. We were so thankful that someone who was thinking straight would go above and beyond.
When my mother in law and father in law died, other family members brought some food and we grilled chicken and beef to serve. I think it's nice for the immediate family to not have to worry about feeding people.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 23, 2022 15:37:44 GMT
For people saying they eat a meal at the church, how does that work?
For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site).
So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church?
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Post by Jamie on Aug 23, 2022 15:40:19 GMT
It's always been handled by a group of the ladies from the church the services were at. I've never gone to someone's house after the services for a meal.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 23, 2022 16:38:19 GMT
For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site). So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church? In our case the burial happened later, privately with just the family in attendance. When mom died, I had to make arrangements to not only have her ashes interred at a church in another town (pre-paid for by her) but also move my dads ashes from where they were stored (in an inside columbarium so it's not like I had to have him exhumed or anything) then drive them to the church and have them both buried next to each other at the same time. It was just me and my kids for that, DH had to work and the rest of the family was trying to get back home. The priest was discombobulated but we assured him there had been a funeral at their "home" church and we weren't just dropping them off.
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Aug 23, 2022 16:47:53 GMT
When my mother passed we had tea/coffee and biscuits at the funeral home more for people who would not be coming back to the house and for people to have the opportunity to offer their condolences.
Close family and friends then came to our house where we had lunch ready for who was there.
We had salads, cold meat trays, bread rolls, bbq meat and baked potatoes. There were cheese trays and some sort of desserts as well. Being part of a large family (8 siblings) the work was shared between us as was the cleaning up at the end of the day.
We have been to funerals where the Church Ladies have put on a light lunch, mainly finger food, both hot and cold, with cakes, slices with tea and coffee. They have supplied, set up and cleaned up everything.
I think these days just about anything goes to me it is about the company not the food.
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maryannscraps
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Post by maryannscraps on Aug 23, 2022 17:32:08 GMT
In my circle, after the service and cemetery (not all are followed by the cemetery), the family invites everyone to a restaurant for a luncheon. I've not eaten at either the church or someone's home.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Aug 23, 2022 17:38:19 GMT
For people saying they eat a meal at the church, how does that work? For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site). So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church? The people who choose to go to the gravesite leave and return to the church hall for their luncheon. Occasionally we have families ask for it to be packed up and they go home. We try really hard to make it easy for them. Not every family who has a funeral opts to have a luncheon. They do their own thing.
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Post by giatocj on Aug 23, 2022 17:38:33 GMT
My mom passed in January so the day of her service we all just went out to lunch at a restaurant and my 2 brothers and I paid for everyone.
A month later we had her celebration of life and we brought in pans of food from a local restaurant for that.
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Post by snugglebutter on Aug 23, 2022 17:48:54 GMT
For people saying they eat a meal at the church, how does that work? For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site). So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church?
This varies a lot. I have been to funerals where you go back to the church for the meal. Members of the bereavement committee often attend the service, then stay behind during the burial to help set up the meal if they weren't close to the deceased. There is usually a bit of carpooling (and sometimes another car/limo driven by the funeral home) to the burial site so people need to go back for their cars anyway.
Other times the service is graveside or at the funeral home, so you wouldn't be going "back" to the church. Then there are churches that have their own cemetery, so everything is at one location.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 23, 2022 17:55:54 GMT
For people saying they eat a meal at the church, how does that work? For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site). So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church? It all depends. Sometimes the burial is later with just the family. That is the experience I have had. I think in some cases they come back to the church. Our cemeteries are close by so usually they are buried within 3-5 miles. But the few that I have attended it was the service and then the meal.. then I leave at that point. Leaving the family alone for the rest of the day. Ours is an older church with mostly older people attending. (I don't attend there anymore but as some of them die off and I knew them I might go to the funeral) The last one was actually the pastor.
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Post by jenjie on Aug 23, 2022 18:07:53 GMT
For people saying they eat a meal at the church, how does that work? For every funeral I’ve been to, you go to the service in the church or funeral home, then you leave in a procession to the burial site (there’s a smaller crowd at the burial site than at the service), then you leave the burial site to go to a meal (and again there’s a smaller crowd at the meal than at the site). So, is leaving to go to a burial site not part of your experience? Or do you to church - burial - then back to the church? That’s exactly what happens at my church. Church - burial - church. At our church the lunch is catered, which means a restaurant or service is paid to cook the food and bring it to the church. We have a team that sets up tables and chairs in the gym. They set up the buffet line, get the warning trays ready to go, make lemonade and iced tea, etc. If they know the family they may pop into the service. They will serve at the luncheon and clean up afterward. There’s always a sheet cake for dessert in whatever the person’s favorite color was.
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