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Post by krcrafts on Sept 2, 2022 2:51:02 GMT
Honestly, when my mom died, I couldn’t cope. I eventually started taking antidepressants and when my dad died almost 3 yrs later(last October), it was very helpful in coping with all of the grief.
I miss them so so much. The medicine dose I take helps with crying not being my first response to everything. It has made such a difference.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
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Post by mom on Sept 2, 2022 2:55:36 GMT
Im sorry for your loss. I have lost my mom and daughter, and honestly, the only way to get through grief is to just keep going. Cry when you need to. Be mad. Do whatever it is that helps you for that day, and then one day, you will realize you are crying less, less angry and are able to remember the good memories.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 2, 2022 2:59:09 GMT
My dad died in January of 2020. My great nephew died shortly after birth 3 months later. Add in COVID with the isolation, trying to help my mom navigate stuff I was and am still grief filled at times. My brother also got divorced in 2020 and a dear cousin’s wife died in her sleep. 2020 was a 💩 show and I’m just really coming up for air.
I cried every day from January 9 2020 probably for an entire year. Everyday is a bit better. It’s hard because people don’t realize there’s no timetable, grief isn’t linear and we still love the person who died.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Sept 2, 2022 3:11:20 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm about 8 months out, and I still get blindsided by tears sometimes. It's much better than it was a few months ago, though. I will never not miss my dad. Sending hugs.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 2, 2022 13:11:36 GMT
I'm so sorry about your dad.
I lost my DH 6 months ago. I still cry every day, but it's not as often. Honestly, I'll grieve every day for the rest of my life, but that's ok.
Things will trigger you. That's normal. My sister's DH died 2 weeks ago and that really brought all the feeling back in a big way.
I cope by remembering the good times as much as possible. I have a display cabinet filled with his favorite things. We laughingly call it his shrine.
It's only been a week for you. Give yourself some grace and don't worry about moving on right now.
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bklyngal62
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,972
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:11 GMT
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Post by bklyngal62 on Sept 2, 2022 13:22:00 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
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Post by KelleeM on Sept 2, 2022 13:24:24 GMT
It’s coming up on 3 years since my husband passed. I still cry often. It is different than it was in the early days. Some days I mourn him and some I mourn for the life I lost.
Sending hugs.
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Post by Horse scrap on Sept 2, 2022 13:40:05 GMT
I’m sorry. It is sucky, and there is no way to deny that. Lots of good posts above. I will say that the grief doesn’t go away and it doesn’t get better - but it gets different and you get better at coping with it. For many people, the first year is hardest, and for others, the second year is more difficult, as reality sets in. You’ll always have things that can trigger tears and a renewal of the grief, and some of those can come out of the blue when you aren’t prepared. It’s okay. Whatever you need to do to cope is okay. Exactly as moodyblue said- it sucks. My dad has been gone 3 yrs, and while most of the time, I'm "ok", there are days, I'm not. The second year was hardest for me. Everyone prepares you for the 1st's.... so you kind of mentally prepare yourself.... but the second year hit me hard. You just cry, yell, scream, stomp your feet in a tantrum, punch a pillow, whatever works for you!!!! Don't listen to ANYONE who says you "have to get over it". You don't get over it..... you go through it. My heart hurts for you. Please know that you are in my prayers.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 2, 2022 13:41:14 GMT
Grieving means you loved. ((Hugs)) very true. my dad died in spring 2020, and mom died in February, and I still have days sometimes. It's better, but honestly, it took me a good few months to be able to even think about her without breaking down. There is no timeline, no switch that you can flip (unfortunately)... I now make sure to take my anti-depressants REGULARLY and started seeing a counselor again, and those have helped me immensely. I think a big part of it is that for 50+ years, my parents were always 'there' whether I saw them or not- I knew subconsciously that they were still out there, I was still someone's daughter. Now I'm *not* that any more, if that makes any sense- and I have to figure out how to navigate that different self-identity. But it now gives me [some] peace to know that even though my parents are no longer *physically* here in this world, they ARE still here-- in the traits I and my siblings share, the things they taught us, our life experiences, etc. It's just *different* and that takes some getting used to. (I started reading Buddhist writings by Thich Nhat Hanh... one of his books is No Death, No Fear. This is from one of the book reviews: "He uses the example of a candle where he states that the candle still exists after it has burnt out. We in the west would say the candle is gone, but Thich Nhat Hanh assures us that it has simply changed form. There are gasses that were released, a bit of ash and also heat and light. The heat is still in the room and some of the light may have escaped the window and is now cruising across the cosmos. People, he writes, are the same. Who we are is not contained in our bodies, but the sum of our actions, thoughts and words. In other words, we live on in all of the people we touch. If this is the case, what does it mean to die? We pass on biologically to our children, but we also pass on our lessons and character.")
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 2, 2022 17:40:39 GMT
I'll just be honest with you, I lost my child in April and I think I'm still in shock. There are whole days I go right now and I don't think of her. It's like she's just in the other room sleeping. I stay very busy and I don't think about the magnitude of my loss. I have to live this way in order to function for my other child, my husband, and my work. And then there are times when I'm just hit with it to the point where it's so overwhelming I feel like I will never stop crying. I feel that loss so deep.
And I have been through the gamut of feelings about it. Anger that she didn't have it in her to fight for her life. Acceptance. I knew she didn't want to live in this world and didn't even know how to really. Sadness. That she didn't have the chance long enough as an adult to even try to build a life she might have been happy with. Peace. Because I know her suffering is over now.
And then there are days when I am a zombie. Just so overwhelmed with depression where I can't get it going and I feel nothing at all.
I'm still having trouble with joy. I will have little moments where I feel good. Where I take pictures. Where I want to scrapbook those pictures. But then I just can't seem to do it. I feel guilty for my joy and pleasure.
I have had so many people tell me that they don't even know how I'm functioning because they would be...blah blah blah. But not upright I guess. And that's the worst thing anyone can ever say to a person who lost a child. It makes me want to scream...no you absolutely don't know how you would react and I still have other obligations. I can't just quit on life because I lost my child and it makes me feel terrible for even trying to move forward when people tell me they wouldn't be able to. As if I loved my child less or something. It's just the most awful thing.
And I have a therapist. And she listens to me and sets me straight when other people question how I'm grieving. She says I'm normal. She says everything going on right now with how I'm functioning and how I'm feeling is normal. That makes me feel better.
The only thing I can say is I wish you well. Grief is confusing. All the feelings are normal. How you choose to get by while you deal is your business. Don't let anyone else tell you what you should be doing or feeling.
Just hugs for everyone suffering.
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Post by peace on Sept 2, 2022 17:43:28 GMT
therapy. journaling. exercise. meditation. reading books about grief.
I lost my dad August of 2019 and my mom 6 months later. I'm still grieving.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. Do be kind to yourself- AND if you just can't seem to cope, see your doctor. Sometimes we need medication to lift those chemicals in our brains back up and help us function. (((HUGS)))
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Post by miominmio on Sept 2, 2022 17:56:15 GMT
I lost my mom two years ago in November, and there are still days when the grief hit me like a punch in the face. And the rest of the time it feels unreal. And now, when my 16yo DD is seriously ill, I’m not just worried about her, but the pain of losing my mom feels even more painful now.
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Post by paulao on Sept 2, 2022 18:05:39 GMT
Within 3 months in 2013, both my brothers died and I had to put down my horse that was with me for 25 years. I refer to this as the Triple Crown of Death. I descended into deep depression and essentially had a nervous breakdown after. I would cry so hard that the front of my shirt would be wet. I thought “if I were dead I wouldn’t be in this much pain.” I went to grief counseling, regular therapy, and started antidepressants. Took about a month for the drugs to work. My therapist said eventually I would be able to make it through a day without hysterically crying and she was right. My dad died in 2003 and my mom in 2011 and not a day goes by that I don’t think about them. Sometimes I cry for them, and I still miss mom and dad. Heck, I’m 65 and still want my mom sometimes.
You never “get over” grief but it integrates into your soul and being.
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Post by tommygirl on Sept 2, 2022 18:07:41 GMT
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss! Be gentle with yourself!
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Post by lesserknownpea on Sept 2, 2022 18:10:05 GMT
Journaling and mindfulness practice helps me. I work not to distract myself from the pain, but to set aside time to experience it fully. I visualize the emotions like a wave of water not going past or over me, but through me. It’s very calming.
I also write out when I’m hit with a memory, and save them in a special envelope.
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 2, 2022 19:33:40 GMT
craftmepink and finaledition I'm so sorry about your losses. May your parent's memories be for a blessing to all who knew them. The answer is that I didn't process my grief. I don't cry and I know that I should. I was terrified about dying the way my mother did and I was terrified for her. She was horrified from diagnosis until death and nothing we said or did calmed her down. 3 years later I was talking about her to someone who thought that my mother just died. When I told my bff about that I was sent an article on complicated grief. That's when I started therapy and meds in order to deal w/the huge loss. Though I never cried, because I just cannot, I was able to let go and move fwd. When my dad died it was very different. His death was sudden and he was not a good dad. Though I missed him and it was sad, I didn't carry it w/me. My advice is not to expect anything and to take it one step at a time. Let tears flow, allow anger and make room and give permission to yourselves to feel all of your feelings. There are no rights or wrongs and no shoulds. It's going to take time and the first year is hard. It's a gut punch every single holiday or birthday. It gets easier over time. Soon you'll have a good day and you'll be shocked that you are doing something that makes you happy. Then you'll have more good days, but those bad days will come from behind. It's been 22 years since my mother passed away. I raised my children, I have great friendships, a happy relationship w/my husband and I'm a happy person. For many years I've been able to talk about my parents and laugh or smile. I don't grieve, but I do remember and sometimes I feel sadness. Out of the blue, something will occur that brings up the loss, but just as quickly it's gone and I'm fine. You will heal from this, find a new normal and be happy. If you don't seem to be moving fwd and you feel stuck in the grief than find a great therapist who can guide you and help you heal. This does get much better. I promise it does. Blessings to you both.
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Post by anniefb on Sept 2, 2022 19:46:57 GMT
I'm very sorry for the loss of your Dad. My Mum has been gone for nearly 11 years now and my Dad passed 28 years ago. The pain has lessened through the years but there are still many days when I think of my Mum and miss her deeply.
I think it's important to let yourself grieve and, as others have said, the process is different for everyone. What I can say is that the first year after both deaths was really hard for me. Sometimes I just had to force myself to get up, go to work etc. But taking life day by day helped and over time the intense pain did lessen and my life adapted. Dealing with grief is something that just takes time and I think that until people have lost someone closest to them, they don't always get what you're going through.
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Post by andreasmom on Sept 2, 2022 20:00:31 GMT
Today marks 6 years without my dad. It sucks. They say time heals all wounds, but i think time scars wounds so they don’t hurt as much. It never goes away. Looking back at those first months, I will say a grief therapist helped me immensely. The first year was the worst, with all those first holidays without him. But, it will get better. It took me a while to be able to talk about it and a little longer to talk about him without bursting into tears.
Give yourself time and be kind to yourself in the process. Not everyone grieves the same and most importantly, there is no established timeline.
((((Hugs)))))
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Post by redshoes on Sept 2, 2022 21:13:02 GMT
My mom passed in January and while I'm overall relieved she is no longer suffering, I miss her tremendously and some days are overwhelming with sadness. One tip I will offer, try not to dwell in the "what if" mindset...it only creates confusion and negative energy around their passing and it's not productive. I allow myself to cry when I need to and that really helps me. Every time something arises that reminds me of her, I try to focus on the great times, her wonderful personality and all the good she did in this world. And, I talk to her....might be corny, but it makes me feel better.
I found voicemails from her on my phone about a week after she passed and wow, hearing her voice is both wonderful, comforting and painful all at the same time. I will cherish those forever.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,019
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on Sept 3, 2022 1:11:21 GMT
I'm so sorry. May his Memory be Eternal.
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Post by gizzy on Sept 3, 2022 2:31:09 GMT
I’m truly sorry about the loss of your dad. My mom passed away I unexpectantly last week so I’m probably going through very similar feeling to you. I’m just following along with the replies. I have never felt pain this deep before. 😢 finaledition, I'm so very sorry. Hugs to you, too.
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Post by mom on Sept 3, 2022 3:18:15 GMT
I’m truly sorry about the loss of your dad. My mom passed away I unexpectantly last week so I’m probably going through very similar feeling to you. I’m just following along with the replies. I have never felt pain this deep before. 😢 I am so very sorry. I will be keeping you tucked in my thoughts and prayers.
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Post by peasapie on Sept 3, 2022 10:52:09 GMT
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. My dad died 15 years ago and I still miss him every day. I kept one of his favorite button-down sweaters and I wear it when I need a hug from him. I truly believe he’s always with me, but there are still days when I wish I could see the joy in his face when he saw me. Some kinds of love are so precious — I’m glad you had it. Thinking of you.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 3, 2022 11:37:33 GMT
Hugs
I can’t say it ever ‘goes away’ but it does change over time. At some point what used to set me to sobbing now makes me smile with a fond memory. Grief is a process. An ongoing process.
But everyone’s grief is different and everyone’s timeline is different
Do not let anyone else tell you how long to grieve it that you should ‘be over it’ . No one gets to tell you how to feel for how long, too bad for them.
I’m sorry for your loss. hugs.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 3, 2022 13:36:11 GMT
It’s coming up on 3 years since my husband passed. I still cry often. It is different than it was in the early days. Some days I mourn him and some I mourn for the life I lost. Sending hugs. Mourning the life we could have had is where I am, too.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,614
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Sept 4, 2022 11:35:59 GMT
Goodness if he only passed away last week then I am so sorry to tell you have a long journey yet to travel.
it does get better every day but then you will feel like being hit by a bus stop and feel as though it happened just yesterday again, ups and downs become your ‘new normal”.
Life goes on but it is different and it will never be the same. My mother passed away in 1989 and still to this day there are times it feels so raw.
hopefully you will have a good support system to help you through this. Hugs to you.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Sept 4, 2022 17:53:03 GMT
OP and finaledition I am so sorry for these losses. I hope your memories are a comfort to you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 11:55:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2022 20:12:47 GMT
craftmepink : I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your loss is brand new, so you're bound to be shedding a lot of tears. No one should stop you. The crying will lessen, and you'll learn how to cope. Give yourself some time. If you can, keep busy and get back to your usual routine. Don't be surprised if you're suddenly crying over something random that reminded you of your dad. It'll happen for a while.
It's been 9 months since I lost my DH and it took me quite a while to get to a more "new normal" spot. Until then I was in a daze, doing everything I had to do to tie up loose ends. I don't really remember too much. I had to do it all on my own, with DD34 helping a bit. I found that if I bottled up my tears, they'd come pouring out when I was driving or alone. Hospice's grief specialist told me to get those tears out because they are "grief tears".
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moodyblue
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Posts: 6,175
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Sept 4, 2022 20:21:21 GMT
It’s coming up on 3 years since my husband passed. I still cry often. It is different than it was in the early days. Some days I mourn him and some I mourn for the life I lost. Sending hugs. Mourning the life we could have had is where I am, too. Yep. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought how Vince and I could be living a really good life now, both retired, house paid off, time and money to do what we want. It’s not the same without him, and never will be.
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