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Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 11, 2022 15:56:46 GMT
Just T I’m not sure if you have kids. If not, you can downsize to a smaller home/condo if it’s just you. If DH and I were to divorce, it would really ruin our upcoming retirement. Our house is paid off, but we couldn’t afford to buy in our neighborhood now. My old boss won’t divorce his wife because of the cost. If he’d done it when it first became obvious that’s what needed to happen, he would be in the clear now. But he doesn’t want to split anything with her. They live in different states and kids are grown. I also think being technically married keeps him from having to make a commitment to any women he dates. Best of both worlds for an attractive middle-aged man with making a great money.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,558
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Sept 11, 2022 16:03:46 GMT
Just T I’m not sure if you have kids. If not, you can downsize to a smaller home/condo if it’s just you. If DH and I were to divorce, it would really ruin our upcoming retirement. Our house is paid off, but we couldn’t afford to buy in our neighborhood now. My old boss won’t divorce his wife because of the cost. If he’d done it when it first became obvious that’s what needed to happen, he would be in the clear now. But he doesn’t want to split anything with her. They live in different states and kids are grown. I also think being technically married keeps him from having to make a commitment to any women he dates. Best of both worlds for an attractive middle-aged man with making a great money. My kids are all adults. My oldest lives in CO, my other son just moved to Mexico. My daughters both live nearby, but they are both out on their own. I am very thankful I don't have to worry about taking care of kids during all this.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 11, 2022 16:37:52 GMT
The thing with my sister is that she has been brainwashed for decades to believe that if they got divorced, she would end up with nothing which would be far from the truth. She started up a successful business in the 1980’s that he ended up quitting his job with the USPS to work “for” her (she went to school for a trade and then started the business, but then he kind of came on board and took over, but for legal purposes she is still the CEO because then it can be classed as woman owned). They have quite a few assets acquired during their marriage that have increased in value, and I’m sure with even a halfway decent lawyer she would end up with half of all of it plus half of his USPS pension, but she always thought she would be destitute if they divorced. When their kids were younger, he would tell her that if she ever left him he would quit working all together so he wouldn’t have to pay her child support and so she would be forced to sell the house and move. That kind of stuff. Now their youngest kid will be 25 this year so that’s no longer an issue, but I know it weighed heavily on her when they were school age. He’s a total jerk and I never liked him from the get go. She went on to pull some really nasty stuff in the last years of our mom’s life and afterward so I don’t like her either. IMO they deserve each other. That is part of being in a controlling relationship. You do believe you’ll be destitute. Or worse destitute with children. And there’s just enough people who are left destitute in the news to make it real to you. I feel bad for your sister. He is manipulating her just enough so she doesn’t see thru it. She has just enough fear from the manipulation to not see she could do it. Several of my siblings and I did feel bad for her for a long time and offered her all kinds of help to start seeing him the way we did. She stayed at our house for two weeks once and stayed with a brother for about a month once and with another brother and our mom for six weeks but every time she believed his lies that he was sorry and would change and she would go back. 🙄 When our mom was in her last years and during the probate process after mom died, my sister did and said some really horrible things that I couldn’t forgive her for. Once the legal stuff was wrapped up and I didn’t need to be in contact with her anymore, I cut her off for good. I don’t regret it for one second. The two of them were so toxic and full of drama and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
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Post by Clair on Sept 11, 2022 18:25:27 GMT
I deleted my reply from last night because I didn’t like the way it came across.
I think the key is getting very sound financial advice during the divorce process. I had a small team working for me.
I hired a divorce financial planner. They were able to look at the big picture both short and long term and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of each decision. In addition, the tax advice I was given saved me $$$. This decision has been life changing.
My ex did not get any financial advice and has made some poor decisions that have cost him tremendously.
We were comfortable before the divorce but I’m in a much better financial position now.
I found that the financial unknown was very scary - once it was laid out for me short and long term by my financial planner I felt much better because I knew exactly I had.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Sept 11, 2022 18:39:21 GMT
I've always wondered the same thing! How do people do it? Rent is so much more than our mortgage payment.
We would both be fine although would likely have to re-prioritize what is most important instead of not really thinking about it now.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,558
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Sept 11, 2022 18:42:14 GMT
We were comfortable before the divorce but I’m in a much better financial position now. I found that the financial unknown was very scary - once it was laid out for me short and long term by my financial planner I felt much better because I knew exactly I had. I read your first post, and I am sorry you felt you should delete it. You didn't say anything wrong. My attorney keeps assuring me I will probably be better off after the divorce. I am trying to trust/believe her, it's just hard to do right now when see how ridiculous housing costs have gotten. I will be happy when I know what I am dealing with. Even if it's not great, knowing what I have will help me know how to proceed. I didn't know there are divorce financial planners. I will look into that!
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 11, 2022 19:03:40 GMT
It sucks. It really does. Especially after dropping about $20,000 or so on lawyer fees for the last year. My savings is drained.
I picked up a second job. I was "donating" plasma, but my blood kept clotting before I could finish, so I can't go back until the end of October. I cut WAY back on spending. I'm setting up a budget with just my pay (this is my second month without his income, but last month was pre-trial, so I paid a bunch of his bills before trial).
Luckily, I also don't have to pay for xh anymore, so that helps. His $400/ beer habit plus all our eating out was crazy.
We are still splitting the house payment. He is supposed to move out completely by Oct 1, but he will still have to pay half until the house sells. Then I will have to majorly downsize and pay double for something a quarter of the size.
If I could stay in my house, I'd likely need to get a roommate.
One day at a time is how I do it.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 12, 2022 0:28:42 GMT
I can't imagine any amount of money that would have kept me married to that bum. With that said, we lost everything in the recession. The only things of value we had at the time of the divorce were his truck (payment) and my car. I kept my car and he kept his truck. He had a pension and I didn't touch the pension in favor of full custody of my kids. I lived with my mom for 7 months while I was searching for a job and a place. I finally found a little, tiny house for rent for $575 a month. I made $14.50 an hour at that time. I moved my kids out and we survived 8 months until I finally got some child support. My child support ended up being $900 per month and that was enough for us to make it ok. We did what we had to do. There was a lot of ramen with chicken breast added and a side of frozen vegetables. Peanut butter sandwiches. For that school year my kids qualified for reduced fee breakfast and lunch and I took advantage of that because it was cheaper than packing lunches. Basically we survived. Just barely. But it was better than being married to him. Right before we moved out, I met Jeremy and a little while later, he moved in with us. He didn't make much money either but with child support and his income, we made it. I eventually got hired in my current place as a secretary for $17.50 an hour to start. I felt like I had hit the jackpot. And then I took advantage of a half price tuition program to get my masters. Jeremy took a truck driving course. Now we both have good jobs and our lifestyle is much different than it was 11 years ago. Every time I talk to my ex-husband I am so grateful I walked away. I would have rather lived in a cardboard box with Jeremy than be with him. But the recession taught me that no matter how financially stable you think your life is, it isn't. And I had nothing left to lose at that point. So I went for it. Same! My ex was a nightmare. Mental gymnastics and just controlling and liked to argue. So weird looking back on it that I stayed as long as I did!! I was that person that just wanted FREE!! Even though he made (very) slightly money than I did (with a scale escalating way faster than my own- military in the 00's with a retirement in the near future at the end of our marriage.) I knew I would be "ok" taking the state minimum child support- so short sighted -and lowest point ever- me agreed to that. I literally left him the house ($40k equity), all the toys (tools, 4 4 wheelers, snowmobiles and fun car) and he kept all the household stuff. After all that- the only thing I'm really pissed about is that the older kids' (not my bios) college funds were in his and their names (only two names on the acct.) We contributed to them from "our" money. Remember I said he made slightly more money than me? Yeah, well, slight is the right word at the time. But he also had 2 kids that lived with us (that weren't my bio kids and their mom is a bigger POS deadbeat than he is) and another he paid CS for... so, believe me, it was my money the house ran on and contributed to their college funds. That money Fing disappeared!!! The nice thing is I still have records of it (I did our taxes) balances and dates - and when the older son asked, my ex told him there were never accounts. Kid asked me, and I sent him the info I had. OMG that felt so good!! I still regret taking the quick exit, but only that decision. I should have stuck it out to get literally my half, and require him to pay CS, in keeping with a more equitable split of responsibility, but I didn't. I just couldn't be in that marriage any longer. And like sooooo many things, hindsight (and maturity) are 20/20 and I wouldn't give my daughter the same advice. I was afraid if I fought for any more than literally the minimum, he'd try to fight me for custody of my son. HOW FREAKING LAUGHABLE THE THOUGHT IS! That's just how messed up my head was at the time. I really thought his selfish tail would try to take my son from me, so I made it "easy" on him. All I did was make it harder for me. He saw our son a couple times over the years, but has been absent. He hasn't bought a stitch of clothing, or shoes, or sports fees. My son is now over 18 (CS stopped then) and he lives with me. His father hasn't paid a dime of car insurance, or first car- or any gift at all since my son was 15. In fact, he doesn't even bother to call on holidays, or even his 18th birthday. I wonder if he'll call on my son's 21st. It's coming up soon. I'm so thankful my son and his siblings are close. I do hope he doesn't think it's personal (but he has to to some degree....) There's way more to the story, of course. But the bottom line is, I was raised by parents that couldn't afford to divorce (still married today.) They fought/fight constantly. They had/have no warmth for each other. No respect for each other. But now they are in their 70's and perhaps more resigned to it so it has gotten less contentious. They mostly ignore one another. That said.. they know how to trigger one another, and do, when it's in their best interests. There is no amount of money in the world that would make me spend my life in that situation. I literally COULD not. Having grown up in that situation- I knew from day one that I would be able to support myself if I needed to, at the drop of a dime. I'm in a relationship with an amazing man and I often wish those walls weren't quite as strong and impenetrable as they are. He was taken advantage of in a divorce lol, we were made for each other.
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Post by wordyphotogbabe on Sept 12, 2022 2:51:53 GMT
The last two years of my previous marriage, my ex & I were making nearly $100K per year and had about $20K in savings but still never had nice things or went on vacation. I got accused often of "wasting" money when he could clearly see in our bank account that I was spending money on food and bills. I knew that our money was going towards his out-of-town trips to see his child/family/friends + his school loans & CCs + the almost-new pickup truck he bought without asking or telling me first while I had no debt, aside from some medical, and owned my own vehicle.
We had nothing in both names, aside from the lease at our previous rental house, so we simply kept everything that was in our names. I know he was sneaking money into his 401K behind my back but I knew if I tried to get some, I'd get saddled with some of his debt (he has $200K in student loans alone) so I let it go. We did split the savings evenly. We were at a standstill for a little while about a couple of financial issues but once he got a girlfriend and had to marry her ASAP, he was more willing to negotiate.
I decided to get a (permanently) remote job so I could recoup the money I had been spending on gas + childcare for the kids + work clothes/eating out. I qualified for a house after this, which is when we officially split, and I simply registered both kids first for the schools at my house (vs. the schools at their dad's house). Their dad insisted on 50/50 custody despite me being with them 95% of the time previous to our divorce but I knew he wouldn't be willing to pay for before/after school care for our youngest if he could get free care from me working at home so now he's the one who has to drive back & forth to work every day (a longer commute than where we used to live) + drops the kids off at my house in the morning to catch the bus and picks them up from my house on his way home from work. I finish work mid-afternoon so I am the one who has to pick up the kids from after-school activities when they occur but their schools are less than 10 minutes from the house so it's a minimal financial cost. I see my kids all but 4 days a month (and they stay with me during the day during the summers, too) despite us technically being 50/50 because of this arrangement and save so much $$$ that way, too. He carries the kids on his insurance so I carry the bare minimum insurance for just me at my job. He pays a small amount of child support every month. I don't have any credit cards, and I still live pretty frugally.
I did have to buy a newer vehicle this year when my old one hit 200K miles and my mortgage just went up $150/month so things are a little tighter now but I still have more money at my disposal on my one income than I ever did when there were two. I was fortunate to be able to qualify to buy a home as even with the increase, I'm getting a 3 bed 1 1/2 bath with a huge lot for less than what I could rent a nice 3 bedroom apartment for in town.
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Post by Zee on Sept 12, 2022 3:28:32 GMT
The last two years of my previous marriage, my ex & I were making nearly $100K per year and had about $20K in savings but still never had nice things or went on vacation. I got accused often of "wasting" money when he could clearly see in our bank account that I was spending money on food and bills. I knew that our money was going towards his out-of-town trips to see his child/family/friends + his school loans & CCs + the almost-new pickup truck he bought without asking or telling me first while I had no debt, aside from some medical, and owned my own vehicle. We had nothing in both names, aside from the lease at our previous rental house, so we simply kept everything that was in our names. I know he was sneaking money into his 401K behind my back but I knew if I tried to get some, I'd get saddled with some of his debt (he has $200K in student loans alone) so I let it go. We did split the savings evenly. We were at a standstill for a little while about a couple of financial issues but once he got a girlfriend and had to marry her ASAP, he was more willing to negotiate. I decided to get a (permanently) remote job so I could recoup the money I had been spending on gas + childcare for the kids + work clothes/eating out. I qualified for a house after this, which is when we officially split, and I simply registered both kids first for the schools at my house (vs. the schools at their dad's house). Their dad insisted on 50/50 custody despite me being with them 95% of the time previous to our divorce but I knew he wouldn't be willing to pay for before/after school care for our youngest if he could get free care from me working at home so now he's the one who has to drive back & forth to work every day (a longer commute than where we used to live) + drops the kids off at my house in the morning to catch the bus and picks them up from my house on his way home from work. I finish work mid-afternoon so I am the one who has to pick up the kids from after-school activities when they occur but their schools are less than 10 minutes from the house so it's a minimal financial cost. I see my kids all but 4 days a month (and they stay with me during the day during the summers, too) despite us technically being 50/50 because of this arrangement and save so much $$$ that way, too. He carries the kids on his insurance so I carry the bare minimum insurance for just me at my job. He pays a small amount of child support every month. I don't have any credit cards, and I still live pretty frugally. I did have to buy a newer vehicle this year when my old one hit 200K miles and my mortgage just went up $150/month so things are a little tighter now but I still have more money at my disposal on my one income than I ever did when there were two. I was fortunate to be able to qualify to buy a home as even with the increase, I'm getting a 3 bed 1 1/2 bath with a huge lot for less than what I could rent a nice 3 bedroom apartment for in town. How do you get $200k in student loans racked up? I'm sure I'm old and naive but unless he's a brain surgeon, that seems utterly ridiculous. If he IS a brain surgeon, good for him
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Sept 12, 2022 4:18:19 GMT
The last two years of my previous marriage, my ex & I were making nearly $100K per year and had about $20K in savings but still never had nice things or went on vacation. I got accused often of "wasting" money when he could clearly see in our bank account that I was spending money on food and bills. I knew that our money was going towards his out-of-town trips to see his child/family/friends + his school loans & CCs + the almost-new pickup truck he bought without asking or telling me first while I had no debt, aside from some medical, and owned my own vehicle. We had nothing in both names, aside from the lease at our previous rental house, so we simply kept everything that was in our names. I know he was sneaking money into his 401K behind my back but I knew if I tried to get some, I'd get saddled with some of his debt (he has $200K in student loans alone) so I let it go. We did split the savings evenly. We were at a standstill for a little while about a couple of financial issues but once he got a girlfriend and had to marry her ASAP, he was more willing to negotiate. I decided to get a (permanently) remote job so I could recoup the money I had been spending on gas + childcare for the kids + work clothes/eating out. I qualified for a house after this, which is when we officially split, and I simply registered both kids first for the schools at my house (vs. the schools at their dad's house). Their dad insisted on 50/50 custody despite me being with them 95% of the time previous to our divorce but I knew he wouldn't be willing to pay for before/after school care for our youngest if he could get free care from me working at home so now he's the one who has to drive back & forth to work every day (a longer commute than where we used to live) + drops the kids off at my house in the morning to catch the bus and picks them up from my house on his way home from work. I finish work mid-afternoon so I am the one who has to pick up the kids from after-school activities when they occur but their schools are less than 10 minutes from the house so it's a minimal financial cost. I see my kids all but 4 days a month (and they stay with me during the day during the summers, too) despite us technically being 50/50 because of this arrangement and save so much $$$ that way, too. He carries the kids on his insurance so I carry the bare minimum insurance for just me at my job. He pays a small amount of child support every month. I don't have any credit cards, and I still live pretty frugally. I did have to buy a newer vehicle this year when my old one hit 200K miles and my mortgage just went up $150/month so things are a little tighter now but I still have more money at my disposal on my one income than I ever did when there were two. I was fortunate to be able to qualify to buy a home as even with the increase, I'm getting a 3 bed 1 1/2 bath with a huge lot for less than what I could rent a nice 3 bedroom apartment for in town. How do you get $200k in student loans racked up? I'm sure I'm old and naive but unless he's a brain surgeon, that seems utterly ridiculous. If he IS a brain surgeon, good for him Out of state school with tuition around $40k a year plus room and board will do it. No brain surgery involved. 😬
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Post by Zee on Sept 12, 2022 4:33:46 GMT
How do you get $200k in student loans racked up? I'm sure I'm old and naive but unless he's a brain surgeon, that seems utterly ridiculous. If he IS a brain surgeon, good for him Out of state school with tuition around $40k a year plus room and board will do it. No brain surgery involved. 😬 Lawd lawd! I went to community college for my ADN RN, worked 20 years, went back to UTA online RN to BSN program. Was able to pay my own way, luckily. Saved myself an awful lot of money! (Also not a brain surgeon)
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Post by katlady on Sept 12, 2022 14:30:04 GMT
I’ve noticed at work that what hits my coworkers hard when they are going through a divorce is losing half their pension. They realize they can’t retire now when they had planned to. And any changes or withdrawals have to have an ex-spouse sign off too.
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Post by tc on Sept 12, 2022 18:22:41 GMT
I got divorced 16 years ago and I was really worried about the financial implications.
Luckily (if you want to look at it that way) my XH had a spotty at best work history during our marriage so we'd mostly been living off my income. He was the one who just wanted out more or less. He took a couple of pieces of furniture and all his "toys" and left. He moved into an apartment, at least for a while, in another state. I got the house, but we'd only been in it two years so there was no equity. We had comparable Jeep Cherokees. I had to pay his off and then they were considered equal value. He got one, I got the other. He started to make motions about my retirement savings, but my lawyer negotiated that if I was taking on the debt of the house, then I got to keep the primary asset of my retirement savings to balance that. We don't have kids together and we haven't spoken since about a year after the divorce so I have no idea if he got it together and started keeping a job or if he went another way.
I refinanced the house so it would be in my name only and it was during the housing bubble so I got it refinanced for the valuation at the time. I was able to maintain the mortgage payments, but didn't have much else. I started looking for alternate housing thinking I could get my monthly expenses down, but even in the two years we'd been in the house, I wouldn't have been able to afford rebuying it and everything smaller that I was interested in was more money than my refinanced mortgage payment. So, I just stayed where I was. One of my dogs was on a prescription food at the time and she was a rather large dog. Her food budget was about $20 a month less than my own because I was eating a lot of mac and cheese, cereal, rice, and tv dinners. I made ends meet and continued with saving for retirement and a limited budget for my scrapbooking hobby, but if we'd had a kid - that all would have been out the window.
In my current situation? I don't know what would happen. I'm remarried. Neither of us could afford the house on our own and we have a kid. We might have to get a side by side duplex and do the nesting thing where our son stayed put and he and I traded off who lived with him each week. Or, more likely, I'm guessing my DH would have his brother move back in so he could afford the house. I don't know what I would do.
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Post by refugeepea on Sept 12, 2022 23:17:29 GMT
I couldn't afford to get divorced. I'm a stay at home mom to two special needs children. One who will always live with me and likely the other one will too.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 12, 2022 23:28:18 GMT
Out of state school with tuition around $40k a year plus room and board will do it. No brain surgery involved. 😬 Lawd lawd! I went to community college for my ADN RN, worked 20 years, went back to UTA online RN to BSN program. Was able to pay my own way, luckily. Saved myself an awful lot of money! (Also not a brain surgeon) Private school tuition is over $80K a year total COA - it isn't hard for one to accumulate $200K in debt - although I truly hope they don't for undergrad!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 13, 2022 0:53:03 GMT
I ended up moving across the country when our youngest turned 18. Some Peas gave me grief for it (this was in 2018) but there's a lot that went into the decision. First of which is cost of living. I moved to Pittsburgh and it's around half of what it costs in the San Diego area (inland).
I never felt like I fit in Southern CA anyway and I wanted a new start. My relationship with my siblings was toxic and it just wasn't healthy for me mentally to stay around there.
One thing I wish we had done was figure out a way for my ex to keep the house. He is paying so much to rent a 2 BR/2BA apartment. He couldn't have afforded to buy me out at the time but perhaps we could've figured out a way to defer that. Our adult kids are still with him at 25 and 22 and it would've been better if they could've stayed in the house. Our daughter will probably launch soon but I do worry about how the kids will afford it out there. They are welcome to join me if they choose but Pittsburgh isn't for everyone.
We rarely fought but he was gone a lot. My sister lived with us at the time and it was very stressful. I say all that because I also would've been willing to consider "tenants in common." We had a big enough place that we could've made something like that work.
One reason why I took him back after his affair (kids were 6 months and three at the time) was because of costs associated with a second household. Now in hindsight, I wish we had split then. It would've been the norm for the kids and I would've had a better chance to start new while much younger (I was 35). As it was, I was 51 when he left the second (and final) time.
It's a good question about how people afford it. Especially if one parent stayed home. Often times they can only get low-paying work and by the time you pay commute costs, day care and other expenses of working, they sometimes aren't really getting anywhere financially.
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