If your kid dropped out of college due to depression

A lot to unpack here.

1. At 17, do you think she is mature enough for college, especially away at home? My cousin went away (2 hours away) to a top University at 17 (graduated early) and couldn't handle it. She has no disabilities.

2. Autism is Autism is Autism is Autism. Please do not denounce her diagnosis. It could very well be an issue NOW and causing some of the problems with school. As a mom to 2 with Autism, please do not say "mild" isn't real Autism.

3. Have you tried ABA or any other BI services? Does she have a volunteer job? Have you tried group speech services to help with social pragmatics?

4. Does she have an IEP for school through student disability services?

5. Have you tried an intense in house program for her with follow up? You said out patient but she may need in patient.p

6. What meds are she on? Do they need to be changed or upped/lowered?

I think the biggest thing to o on is you don't ever recover. Mental illness isn't a cold. It is a life long disability that has peaks and valleys. Sometimes it's barely noticeable other times it's in your face.

You need to get over that and truly support her. Give her time to heal mentally and emotionally and physically. Pressure isn't good. Guidance and support are.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I will never not be over my anxiety and old. My kids will never not have Autism.

Also what does she want?

First off 17 may be too young to be away to college, how about a local community college?

Do they have a true idea of what career they might want? Do they need college or vocational training for it? Not everyone goes to college and that should be ok.
How do they feel about the therapist? How do you feel about their therapist? What does the therapist say about the current situation?

Why do you not think it will not work living at home?

Can your child do some volunteer work regarding that coincides with their career or interest?

You say they don't like any ideas you suggest. What do they suggest they do?

I am sorry, I know you are worried and these questions aren't ones you should answer here, but maybe they will help you talk about with your child. I wish you all the best.

I just want to send my hugs - I can't imagine all that you're going through, but as someone who faced the very real possibility of losing my son a few weeks ago - if she's safe and getting help there's hope. As hard as it is to see our kids struggle - and I have been there done that - a new day is a new day. I truly hope you can find the support and help that she needs to move on to the next stage of life - however that looks. Best wishes for you both.

I can’t just read and run. I have no experience with this but my heart goes out to you. I hope you can let go of the expectation for your child to follow a “normal” path. It’s not easy to be a parent. I hope she can find healing and success no matter what it looks like.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I truly am. And I know your message is probably written out of desperation and you're not necessarily saying things the way you would to her, but I was in your DD's shoes when I was about 20. And you sound so much like my mom. I hear the disappointment and frustration in your words but not the empathy. I'm now 49 and our relationship was permanently damaged by the way she was in that time. Reading your post puts me right back in a very very dark period of my life and I hear so much of my mom's silent judgment of me. 

She is not your problem to be fixed, even though she is still very young. YOU cannot "rehab her." Providing her professional support is obviously critical and kudos to you for doing that. But if you're talking about trying therapies and them meaning she can back to college in X amount of time - god that has to feel like so much pressure to her. You cannot know if therapies or medications will work or not until they've been tried for a while. Not everything works for everyone. When someone is expecting something to work, and work in a set period of time... if it doesn't work, it feels like more failure and judgment to the person who is struggling and that's the last thing they need. 

My mom tried to impose a plan on me that "should" have worked. Unfortunately, my brain didn't cooperate on her timeline. It was very clear to me that it was embarrassing to her that I was having mental health issues to begin with and it did not comport with the expectations set out for our lives from the time we were very young. That they couldn't be "fixed" quickly made it all the worse. I had no "reason" to have depression or be suicidal; I just needed to get over it and get on with life. 

Your ideas "not being acceptable" to her and the autism that "might not even be real" - it feels like you're dismissing her experiences a bit and even casting some blame on her for the situation. And wanting a rehab that will take her and fix her in a few weeks... I know I'm putting words in your mouth but it all sounds so much like my mom. We were raised in a very achievement-oriented family, everything was planned, we had all the advantages and privileges and it was our job to leverage those and build successful lives. My mental health issues were a massive derailment to how she saw my life and I could always feel the undercurrent of disapproval. 

Please consider taking a less goal-oriented approach. This is not about getting her back in college. This is not something you can plan your and her way out of. This is literally her life and continued existence, and though not as important, your mother-daughter relationship for years to come. Get some professional help for yourself, in how to support her through this, and collaborate with her psychiatrist and medical team on a holistic approach. You have to give things time to work. You can't check the boxes and then move on to the next thing. It just doesn't work that way. 

I wish you all the best and I know you are doing your best and you love your daughter. This shit is profoundly hard and scary. But please please please try to shift your thinking away from this being a problem to be solved. It's so much more than that. 

My 22 year old came home last year in a similar situation, he took a leave of absence from school for medical reasons, but he was in his senior year. He stayed home for the year, worked and volunteered. We wanted him to try a hybrid type program, an outpatient intensive therapy, 5 full days but you sleep at home. He flat out refused so we went with traditional therapy and found someone who is certified here and in Maine, where he's going to school, so he will be able to continue to see him. He's been back at school for two weeks, fingers crossed, he graduates next spring. I'll be honest, the last year with him at home was really hard for him and for us. His entire world was upended in a matter of days.

I did magnetic stimulation to help with my depression because I tried meds and therapy but needed something more. I'm not honestly sure if it was the treatment, starting vitamin D or starting a new job after being at home for 20 years. I think the combination worked and I feel much better.

I hope you can make a plan that will work for you and for her.

Just a thought on starting in the spring. Does the college have other students starting in the spring? If not, it might be difficult for her to make the transition if all of the other freshmen have been there for a semester, made friends etc. My middle ds started college in the fall of 2020, but decided to take the spring of 2021 off because of the covid restrictions. College wasn't what he had hoped and expected - meals were take out from the dining hall, no cross country meets etc. He did a gap semester and took a wilderness medicine program that he really enjoyed. But, going back in the fall of 2021 was really hard because he had been gone for a semester, other students developed friendships etc.

On the subject of gap programs, the right program that's a good match can be really beneficial. My oldest graduated high school at 17. He has Aspergers and we just felt that he wasn't ready for college, so he did a gap year. He did an outward bound program in the wilderness in Utah for 2 months, then a wilderness emergency medicine program, a tall ship that did educational programs for school age kids and finally, he worked as an outdoor educator in Colorado. He had a great year, he really developed independence and maturity that helped when he started college. He had a set back last year, but some of that was covid related and some other factors as well as his depression. We're hopeful that he will graduate in the spring. Youngest ds is in a similar situation but with ADD instead of Aspergers and we're considering a gap year for him next year.

Good luck, I know it's really hard to parent young adults and to see them struggle.

I'm sorry to hear about her struggles. I was 19 and left college when my parents died. It was hard but family support was so crucial for my well being.