iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278 
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 2, 2022 16:52:10 GMT
This is just a random post. I'm casually following the happenings in the Delphi murders. The guy arrested seems to have been a normal small town family guy with no criminal history. I can't imagine how his family is feeling and handling learning that their husband/father is such an evil human (yes, I know presumed innocent etc).
How do you go about keeping up with your job, family, bills etc in such a situation? It must be horrible (and again, yes, I know, nothing as horrible as what the victims and their families have dealt with).
Have you ever known anyone in this situation? I do not thankfully. I do know in my small town there was a big embezzlement case against a well known local man a few years ago. A lot of people thought his wife was either in on it or knew about it. I kind of agree, but can see how maybe she did not and if so it must have been a living hell.
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Post by Lexica on Nov 2, 2022 16:54:56 GMT
I have wondered the same thing. Especially the mothers of serial killers. I don't know anyone personally, but my heart goes out to them. Well, unless there was extreme abuse that turned the child violent. Then they should be in prison right next to their offspring.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 2, 2022 17:24:32 GMT
when i hear of crime stories, i always think of the families. they become victims too. so much for privacy with the media attention and neighbors and community knowing your business. no matter what side you are on, you suffer too. you can't grieve in peace or you become guilty by association to the perpetrator.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,513
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 2, 2022 18:03:51 GMT
Broadchurch explores this, because its centered around the violent death of a child in a small community they look at how the town reacts, and reacts strongly when various secrets come out. While the premise, the death of a child, is offputting, the fact that it IS the death of a child means people swing wildly on just an assumption once it comes out. Makes for a really compelling show.
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Post by busy on Nov 2, 2022 18:11:50 GMT
I have been in those shoes (different kind of crime but still awful) and not to put too fine a point on it - it fucking sucks.
The internet was still relatively young when it happened in my family, that was the only saving grace for us. I cannot imagine going through it now.
I'll also say that people *say* they are sympathetic to the families but I sure as hell never felt that. Instead, we got lots of "the family must have known - how could they not?" We knew nothing, but were cast as accomplices by inaction in the court of public opinion.
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,505
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Post by pinklady on Nov 2, 2022 18:16:13 GMT
when i hear of crime stories, i always think of the families. they become victims too. I have to disagree with this. For example, I would not consider Kyle Rittenhouse's parents victims. I actually think they, well at least his mother, is responsible for making her kid a murderer. In regards to kid/young adult criminals, I think in many cases the family "knew" there were issues but did not do anything or enough to stop it. I don't believe for a second that the Columbine killers parents didn't see the issues with their kids. Flame away if you like but people can go on and on about "they system" not doing enough but the parents bear some responsibility too. There is no doubt in my mind that if I were exhibiting bad behavior as a child, I would have literally been tethered to my mother 24/7. |
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 2, 2022 18:19:12 GMT
I have been in those shoes (different kind of crime but still awful) and not to put too fine a point on it - it fucking sucks. The internet was still relatively young when it happened in my family, that was the only saving grace for us. I cannot imagine going through it now. I'll also say that people *say* they are sympathetic to the families but I sure as hell never felt that. Instead, we got lots of "the family must have known - how could they not?" We knew nothing, but were cast as accomplices by inaction in the court of public opinion. I'm very sorry you had to deal with that. (((HUGS))). |
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 2, 2022 18:20:51 GMT
when i hear of crime stories, i always think of the families. they become victims too. I have to disagree with this. For example, I would not consider Kyle Rittenhouse's parents victims. I actually think they, well at least his mother, is responsible for making her kid a murderer. In regards to kid/young adult criminals, I think in many cases the family "knew" there were issues but did not do anything or enough to stop it. I don't believe for a second that the Columbine killers parents didn't see the issues with their kids. Flame away if you like but people can go on and on about "they system" not doing enough but the parents bear some responsibility too. There is no doubt in my mind that if I were exhibiting bad behavior as a child, I would have literally been tethered to my mother 24/7. Oh no doubt there are parents who have been negligent/abusive and are at least partially to blame. But I don't think that is always the case. In addition it's not always easy to get help for your child. Especially if the family is already struggling to get by (financially, emotionally etc). Not saying at all that was the case with Rittenhouse. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Nov 2, 2022 18:27:55 GMT
Did the guy make bail or will he remain in jail until his trial? ETA: I read somewhere that people suspected the wife possibly knew or realized it was him from the clip released, as she was deleting images and videos from social media  |
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Post by papersilly on Nov 2, 2022 18:44:16 GMT
when i hear of crime stories, i always think of the families. they become victims too. I have to disagree with this. For example, I would not consider Kyle Rittenhouse's parents victims. I actually think they, well at least his mother, is responsible for making her kid a murderer. In regards to kid/young adult criminals, I think in many cases the family "knew" there were issues but did not do anything or enough to stop it. I don't believe for a second that the Columbine killers parents didn't see the issues with their kids. Flame away if you like but people can go on and on about "they system" not doing enough but the parents bear some responsibility too. There is no doubt in my mind that if I were exhibiting bad behavior as a child, I would have literally been tethered to my mother 24/7. you are right. the parents or family members who knew are certainly not victims in the traditional sense. they are in the guilty-by-association group. if they are not victims, then they are still "victimized" with public scrutiny, outrage or retaliation. not to mention the lifelong infamy (and not in a good way) of being associated with the perpetrator. i am not in any way defending them. i am just saying that, like it or not, their lives are forever altered by what their family member did. on the innocent side, there are those who are left behind when their loved ones are taken away from them. they are victimized when justice falls short or is not served at all. they are victimized by a criminal who took a part of themselves that will never be whole again. they are victims. |
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Post by greendragonlady on Nov 2, 2022 19:00:53 GMT
I worked with the brother of someone who killed his wife. He (my coworker) had his last name on his license plate. He had to change it because of harassment.
I also worked with a woman whose husband had gone to prison for pedophilia. I don't recall the exact thing(s) he did because it was 30 years ago, but she stayed married to him. That would have been a hard no for me.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 2, 2022 19:07:57 GMT
I think this is something that most of us don't think about. I know I don't. Recently I listened to a podcast called "The Letter". It was about how the parents of a murder victim eventually reached out and developed a relationship with the perpetrator. The mother of the perpetrator did not sit for an interview for the podcast, but her feelings about the situation were explored. It's a place I hope to never be.
This morning I listened to the update from the "Down the Hill" podcast about the Delphi murders. The hosts went back to town for their reporting, and they noted that the suspect's house is closed up and it doesn't appear that anyone is there. Whomever he lived with seems to have left town-- probably a good decision, but I can't even imagine. With that said, I read somewhere that this guy's wife had begun deleting pictures of him from the internet for the past several years. If she knew and didn't do anything about it, I can't be sympathetic toward her. The crime is just too horrible.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 2, 2022 20:01:53 GMT
I worked with the brother of someone who killed his wife. He (my coworker) had his last name on his license plate. He had to change it because of harassment. I also worked with a woman whose husband had gone to prison for pedophilia. I don't recall the exact thing(s) he did because it was 30 years ago, but she stayed married to him. That would have been a hard no for me. Oh hell no, pedophilia. I'd be filing asap. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Nov 2, 2022 21:42:21 GMT
A friend of mine's brother was involved in a high profile case when he was in college. A group of fraternity brothers (maybe a sports team - it's a long time ago) did something particularly heinous. He felt tremendous remorse, told his parents what happened and they said "we are behind you 100% IF you go to the police with us and tell the truth. And do everything you can to make this up to the victim - not on your terms, but theirs." He agreed. He provided the DA with all the evidence they needed and spent a lot of years trying to make good out of this dark time.
So, that's how I hope I would react.
We had a dad in our town leave a baby in a hot car and the baby died - it was very well publicized and people knew his name and address etc... they moved out of town. I don't think they could handle the public scrutiny or the memories in the house. Such a tragedy.
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Post by Miss Ang on Nov 2, 2022 22:32:36 GMT
I think this is something that most of us don't think about. I know I don't. Recently I listened to a podcast called "The Letter". It was about how the parents of a murder victim eventually reached out and developed a relationship with the perpetrator. The mother of the perpetrator did not sit for an interview for the podcast, but her feelings about the situation were explored. It's a place I hope to never be. This morning I listened to the update from the "Down the Hill" podcast about the Delphi murders. The hosts went back to town for their reporting, and they noted that the suspect's house is closed up and it doesn't appear that anyone is there. Whomever he lived with seems to have left town-- probably a good decision, but I can't even imagine. With that said, I read somewhere that this guy's wife had begun deleting pictures of him from the internet for the past several years. If she knew and didn't do anything about it, I can't be sympathetic toward her. The crime is just too horrible. I'm curious; which podcast? |
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
SLPea
Posts: 4,363
Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Nov 2, 2022 23:07:59 GMT
“Down the Hill” is a podcast from a couple of years (?) back, solely about this case.
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Post by ntsf on Nov 2, 2022 23:21:38 GMT
the news reported on an arrest of a boyfriend (73 yrs old) who was accused of hiring a hit man to kill his dentist girlfriend. the son of the boyfriend was interviewed and he had long ago disowned his father.. changed his name etc. he said his father was horrible to his family when he was young.. and he was not surprised he was arrested. no family will be supporting that guy.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 3, 2022 1:33:55 GMT
I've seen the criminal's family fall apart and move away in this situation. I've seen the same thing happen to the victim's family.
Even in a not-so-small town, your circle of support is more likely to disappear for the most part.
My dad struggled when another parent he'd volunteered with for years (coaching soccer, scouts, etc.) was convicted of sexually abusing a neighbor. They weren't actively coaching together at the time, our neighbors lost their dad a few years earlier and J took a special interest in the younger brother so we'd see him over there all the time. In hindsight, there were lots of red flags but at the time no one was thinking anything was inappropriate. After it happened, dad said part of him wanted to reach out to J's wife and kids (he's coached J's son who was the same age as my brother) but he didn't.
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Post by hop2 on Nov 3, 2022 2:01:34 GMT
. I do know in my small town there was a big embezzlement case against a well known local man a few years ago. A lot of people thought his wife was either in on it or knew about it. I kind of agree, but can see how maybe she did not and if so it must have been a living hell. Well, as for that, I obviously don’t know about wether that woman knew or didn't know, but I can tell you that my Ex kept quite a bit of our finances from me. I’m still relearning stuff I should have known. I’ll never judge what a person knew or didn’t know without actually knowing. You just never know what’s going on in a marriage. |
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Nov 3, 2022 2:43:14 GMT
I have an ex family member that I thought was more disgusting than pond scum. I supported his victim, and that put him in jail for too short of a period of time. It also resulted in family drama. We were angry that his actions didn’t meet a stronger punishment.
He then went on to kidnap (an adult woman maybe) and kill several people.
Disgusting person. I spent more time pissed that he only got a minor sentence for the crimes we reported, than I spent in reflection that he was even more of a deranged monster than l thought he was. It still affects me to this day. (Uncommon last name.)
Anyway. I do believe there are signs. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there that would argue with that. I am disappointed our criminal justice system requires something beyond horrible to act. But I guess the alternative is discarding “innocent until proven otherwise.” That seems worse in totality than the disasters some of us see in advance that are not acted upon.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 3, 2022 12:01:07 GMT
. I do know in my small town there was a big embezzlement case against a well known local man a few years ago. A lot of people thought his wife was either in on it or knew about it. I kind of agree, but can see how maybe she did not and if so it must have been a living hell. Well, as for that, I obviously don’t know about wether that woman knew or didn't know, but I can tell you that my Ex kept quite a bit of our finances from me. I’m still relearning stuff I should have known. I’ll never judge what a person knew or didn’t know without actually knowing. You just never know what’s going on in a marriage. I know this happens, so that's why I try to not think too badly about her. But I also can't figure out why she thought they were worth and living a $20 million dollar lifestyle, when he worked in a small credit union and they owned a very small business and neither came from money. But if she didn't know, he really must have told her something that seemed plausible. She definitely had people supporting her. I didn't know them so other than my husband, I have not really discussed it with many people. |
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,278
Location: Michigan
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Post by iluvpink on Nov 3, 2022 12:03:55 GMT
“Down the Hill” is a podcast from a couple of years (?) back, solely about this case. I'll have to try and listen to this one. I haven't listened to many podcasts as I have trouble listening while doing things, but maybe if it's interesting enough. |
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Post by Horse scrap on Nov 3, 2022 14:07:25 GMT
Regarding the "alleged perpetrator", sometimes even if the parents know their family member is dangerous, or has a deviant mind/actions, it is difficult to get help.
I just worked with a family, who's teen son shows many signs of deviant behavior, and has threatened family members w/weapons. The parents have reached out to residential mental health facilities, DCF, residential camps for youth with mental health issues, etc. Every place has turned them down- because the juvenile is not in foster care. And the foster care system won't take custody of him because they think he can be managed at home- which the parents have tried to do, but the youth is escalating. It's awful.
These parents are scared to answer the phone or door, for fear of learning that their child has hurt another human being.
Victim's family always come to mind first. That is natural. That is horrible for the family. I know it was for our family when we had a loved one murdered. (not related to above). I don't give a crap about the history of the 2 monsters who killed my loved one. But when you step away and look at other murders/heinous crimes done- we can wonder more about the family of the "alleged perp."
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Post by chlerbie on Nov 3, 2022 20:05:05 GMT
In my hometown, one of my best friend's brother-in-law's father killed his wife and then himself. Her brother-in-law had to deal with the complicated grief of losing both his parents but also the scrutiny in my small town of people's questions, which were both curious and accusatory. They ended up moving away.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 3, 2022 20:24:37 GMT
I was a public defender so have seen a huge amount of this up close. It is devastating for families. Absolutely devastating. And, yes, sometimes they know something is off, but often they do not, and their lives often get taken down with the person who actually committed the crime.
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 3, 2022 20:56:57 GMT
I do know a couple of people. A family member and a friend's child. It's complicated and sometimes it isn't because of bad parenting and sometimes it is because of bad parenting. People think they know, but they really don't, even in small town.
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Post by workingclassdog on Nov 3, 2022 21:08:49 GMT
I worked with a murderer.. working in the prison. I didn't know his family but I knew I didn't like him from the first time I met him. Very cocky. And lazy. I couldn't stand him. On 4th of July a few years ago him and his wife got mad at a neighbor for setting off fireworks. They both came out of their apartment with guns. Yelling and a pushing match led to him shooting the husband. I mean what in the world does his family think? In this case I am betting 'he's a good boy' mentality.
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Post by faithoverfear on Nov 4, 2022 1:08:32 GMT
I have a close family member who served time in a federal prison because of child pornography. It was absolutely a horrible experience for our family. Thank goodness I do not live anywhere near the small community he is from because the posts on social media sites were horrific. And thankfully, he pled guilty so we avoided a trial. He was guilty as hell, and he knew it and his attorney knew it. I can't even imagine what a trial would have done to our family. It was a horrible enough time as it was. A trial would probably have garnered nationwide publicity, and I am so grateful our family did not have to deal with that as public opinion was already horrible.
I hate how families are dragged through the mud of public opinion when they likely had absolutely nothing to do with the person's crime. All of our lives would have been ruined, though none of the rest of us did anything wrong and he was a grown ass adult in his 40s.
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