Never thought I’d say this but my dh is drinking too much
Dec 30, 2022 13:44:05 GMT
mimima, Rhondito, and 40 more like this
Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 30, 2022 13:44:05 GMT
Here is you working on the first step of Al-Anon by making this post. You are admitting to yourself that you have no control over the situation and your life has become unmanageable.
I don't have all the answers. I know I don't. What I do know is that my child is an alcoholic. I went to an Al-Anon meeting almost five months ago because she had her second drunk driving charge and was so verbally abusive to me, I didn't know where else to turn for help. And yes, I've had a therapist too. I have been dealing with terrible grief over losing my child in April and then to have to deal my other child (who was spinning out of control long before the loss) and the escalating behaviors since the loss, was just killing me.
I have spent the past 7 years dealing with the stress and strain of uncontrolled mental illness, addiction, suicide attempts, and now death that I was so broken. I was willing to try anything. I cannot say enough good things about Al-Anon. The program and the people I have met there just understand me in a way that other people don't. They have shown me that I am truly not in control and I need to take a step back from trying to control the situation around me and work solely on myself. And that is not to say that I don't have hope. But I do have acceptance. I have put in place boundaries for the sake of my own mental health.
I'll tell you my ex-husband was an alcoholic and he was unwilling to change. I was unwilling to put up with that and I divorced him. I consider that to be the right decision. But I also understand the idea that sometimes people want to learn to live their best lives without cutting an alcoholic out of their lives like I did in that situation. And of course, I can't cut my child out.
So I needed to find a way to put boundaries in place and learn to live with it. Between my therapist and Al-Anon, I have put in place a boundary that I am not willing to be around her when she is drinking. That's my line, not necessarily anyone else's. I have also learned that I don't have magic words and actions to control any of this situation. The only thing I have control of is myself. And I'm pleased to say that with all this mental/emotional work I've been doing with myself, I am finally experiencing some semblance of peace in my life. For the first time in a long while, I have some optimism and hope again. And the best part is that this extreme verbal abuse my daughter was throwing at me has stopped.
I know my post is long but I want to share with you how I first knew that something had changed. I was disappointed this year to hear that my family and Jeremy's family had all made other plans for Thanksgiving this year. It was going to be just me, him, my DD and her fiance. I knew I would be hurting because of my grief, but I was determined to make a nice holiday despite it. I planned all sorts of things different for this year so our celebration would be special, maybe some new traditions. Chloe showed up drunk. She was in my house for under ten minutes. I asked her to leave. She didn't yell or get belligerent at all. She just asked me if she drove home, would I call the police on her. I stated to her that I most definitely would. I told her either he was sober enough to drive or she could Uber but she had to go. And she didn't even balk at that. (I knew that was a huge change and not what I expected at all. I expected verbal abuse. But my boundary had sunk in with her and she did not protest.) After she left, I continued cooking and Jeremy and I ate dinner alone. I was so disappointed, but I knew I had done the right thing. We were able to eat dinner in peace without her getting out of control, volatile.
My feelings that night were all mixed up, even though I knew that was the right thing to do. It took me a few days to process all my feelings and disappointment. It took her 6 days to apologize to me. But she did. My response to her was that I know she is trying to quit drinking and she is bound to have setbacks, so I accept that. And I want her focus to not be on me, but on herself and what she can do to help herself. She told me she loved me and we went on with our relationship. Again, just getting back to enjoying each other's company.
This felt like a huge milestone for me. I set a boundary. She respected it. I dealt with my disappointment constructively. I had faith in myself that I did the right thing. When she apologized I was able to meet her with compassion instead of anger and disappointment. I credit all of that to Al-Anon and my therapist.
She is in jail right now, sent there yesterday. She broke her probation by failing court mandated breathalyzers. It was just an arraignment yesterday and she will be sentenced next week. And I don't feel any of the anxiety and disappointment that I would have been feeling a year ago. I trust that she's an adult and she will find her way. I need to find mine now.
I will be sad over the death of my child forever probably. And I will be sad over some of the choices my other child makes. But I have peace now. And I haven't had that in a very long time. I really encourage you to go. Admitting your life is chaos and you can't control it is the first of the twelve steps. I'm still working at them. But I'm getting healthier by the minute, even though my alcoholic hasn't quit drinking. She might not have changed, but I have.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself first.
I don't have all the answers. I know I don't. What I do know is that my child is an alcoholic. I went to an Al-Anon meeting almost five months ago because she had her second drunk driving charge and was so verbally abusive to me, I didn't know where else to turn for help. And yes, I've had a therapist too. I have been dealing with terrible grief over losing my child in April and then to have to deal my other child (who was spinning out of control long before the loss) and the escalating behaviors since the loss, was just killing me.
I have spent the past 7 years dealing with the stress and strain of uncontrolled mental illness, addiction, suicide attempts, and now death that I was so broken. I was willing to try anything. I cannot say enough good things about Al-Anon. The program and the people I have met there just understand me in a way that other people don't. They have shown me that I am truly not in control and I need to take a step back from trying to control the situation around me and work solely on myself. And that is not to say that I don't have hope. But I do have acceptance. I have put in place boundaries for the sake of my own mental health.
I'll tell you my ex-husband was an alcoholic and he was unwilling to change. I was unwilling to put up with that and I divorced him. I consider that to be the right decision. But I also understand the idea that sometimes people want to learn to live their best lives without cutting an alcoholic out of their lives like I did in that situation. And of course, I can't cut my child out.
So I needed to find a way to put boundaries in place and learn to live with it. Between my therapist and Al-Anon, I have put in place a boundary that I am not willing to be around her when she is drinking. That's my line, not necessarily anyone else's. I have also learned that I don't have magic words and actions to control any of this situation. The only thing I have control of is myself. And I'm pleased to say that with all this mental/emotional work I've been doing with myself, I am finally experiencing some semblance of peace in my life. For the first time in a long while, I have some optimism and hope again. And the best part is that this extreme verbal abuse my daughter was throwing at me has stopped.
I know my post is long but I want to share with you how I first knew that something had changed. I was disappointed this year to hear that my family and Jeremy's family had all made other plans for Thanksgiving this year. It was going to be just me, him, my DD and her fiance. I knew I would be hurting because of my grief, but I was determined to make a nice holiday despite it. I planned all sorts of things different for this year so our celebration would be special, maybe some new traditions. Chloe showed up drunk. She was in my house for under ten minutes. I asked her to leave. She didn't yell or get belligerent at all. She just asked me if she drove home, would I call the police on her. I stated to her that I most definitely would. I told her either he was sober enough to drive or she could Uber but she had to go. And she didn't even balk at that. (I knew that was a huge change and not what I expected at all. I expected verbal abuse. But my boundary had sunk in with her and she did not protest.) After she left, I continued cooking and Jeremy and I ate dinner alone. I was so disappointed, but I knew I had done the right thing. We were able to eat dinner in peace without her getting out of control, volatile.
My feelings that night were all mixed up, even though I knew that was the right thing to do. It took me a few days to process all my feelings and disappointment. It took her 6 days to apologize to me. But she did. My response to her was that I know she is trying to quit drinking and she is bound to have setbacks, so I accept that. And I want her focus to not be on me, but on herself and what she can do to help herself. She told me she loved me and we went on with our relationship. Again, just getting back to enjoying each other's company.
This felt like a huge milestone for me. I set a boundary. She respected it. I dealt with my disappointment constructively. I had faith in myself that I did the right thing. When she apologized I was able to meet her with compassion instead of anger and disappointment. I credit all of that to Al-Anon and my therapist.
She is in jail right now, sent there yesterday. She broke her probation by failing court mandated breathalyzers. It was just an arraignment yesterday and she will be sentenced next week. And I don't feel any of the anxiety and disappointment that I would have been feeling a year ago. I trust that she's an adult and she will find her way. I need to find mine now.
I will be sad over the death of my child forever probably. And I will be sad over some of the choices my other child makes. But I have peace now. And I haven't had that in a very long time. I really encourage you to go. Admitting your life is chaos and you can't control it is the first of the twelve steps. I'm still working at them. But I'm getting healthier by the minute, even though my alcoholic hasn't quit drinking. She might not have changed, but I have.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself first.