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Post by putabuttononit on Dec 30, 2022 0:59:39 GMT
I’d like some input from Peas who have been dealing with this. I’ve known it’s been increasing for awhile, but now it’s critical mass. He won’t listen and talking turns into him escalating. I can see the effects nightly now and it’s a helpless feeling.
He has a shop and he keeps the beer (maybe more but I only see beer cans) in there. He bought a fridge. I never know how much he’s had when he finally comes in but he acts cold and mean or sometimes belligerent and intimidating.
I’ve gotten so I can’t really talk to him at all after 5 pm. He’s just not “him” and it is so hurtful to see him so mean. Anything I say he flips back on me - blame shifting.
When we get back from vacation I have a 3-point plan. First, I’m going to tell him I can no longer spend our (used to be cozy and sweet) evenings together if he’s been drinking.
He’s Catholic and I’m not. I checked and it is not inappropriate for me to set up a meeting with his priest to seek counsel. He has a lot of respect for his priest.
If nothing changes then I will have to give him an ultimatum. I have boundaries and I can’t handle this stress and mistreatment for much longer. He can go to get help and become transparent about his drinking. We can face it together or I go on alone.
Let me be clear - I still love him. 💔
I just won’t “live with it” any longer
Anyone have ideas or experience or things that worked to help resolve this issue and keep your family together
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,017 
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Post by mimima on Dec 30, 2022 1:02:40 GMT
Oh, hon. I do not have any advice, but send you strength and love. Meeting with his priest sounds like a good plan.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,728
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Dec 30, 2022 1:04:12 GMT
Is he otherwise healthy? I’m asking because it was a doctor visit that caused my dad to stop drinking cold turkey. This happened before I was born. My mom’s ultimatums did nothing, but the doctor visit did the trick.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Dec 30, 2022 1:04:23 GMT
((Hugs)) Sounds like you have it thought out pretty well.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 30, 2022 1:06:44 GMT
I’m so sorry. I don’t have ideas, but I wanted to offer a big hug and send you lots of strength. I was raised by someone who drank too much and then married a man who drank way way too much and it’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Your plan sounds well thought out and I wish you the best possible outcome.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,422
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Post by tanya2 on Dec 30, 2022 1:09:11 GMT
I'm so sorry  |
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Post by Skellinton on Dec 30, 2022 1:10:39 GMT
I am sorry. I don't have any advice, but can you or would you attend Al-Anon meetings? I have had friends go and they helped them tremendously. Might give you someone to talk to and maybe help you figure out how to approach this.
What is his family situation like? Any support there?
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,598
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Dec 30, 2022 1:12:17 GMT
I am sorry. I don't have any advice, but can you or would you attend Al-Anon meetings? I have had friends go and they helped them tremendously. Might give you someone to talk to and maybe help you figure out how to approach this. What is his family situation like? Any support there? totally agree with this. see if you can connect up with support through Al-Anon. You will find so much help there. |
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Post by Skellinton on Dec 30, 2022 1:13:56 GMT
Just out of curiosity, you did say when you bring it up it turns to blame shifting (which I am sure is classic behavior for people with addiction), but do you bring it up when he is drinking or early in the day. I would assume you know it won't do a lick of good to try to discuss it when he has had anything to drink.
I am just so sorry. It must be so difficult to see someone you love struggle and turn into someone else.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,057
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Post by AllieC on Dec 30, 2022 1:16:39 GMT
I really feel for you. I think your plan is a good one, I would also add in a GP visit for health check up which might help him to re loose what he is doing to his body.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 30, 2022 1:17:11 GMT
Hugs
I’m sorry, I have no advice.
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Post by uksue on Dec 30, 2022 1:19:43 GMT
Surely there must be a trigger? Is his business/job going ok? Could he have received scary health news? It seems unlikely that this has just started out of nowhere.
I'm so sorry. My second husband was a drinker, I later found out about the porn addiction, strippers and 'ladies' he was spending money we didn't have on ( I was dealing with bailiffs, he was paying out hundreds on sessions with one particular woman which Inc cocaine and viagra- he actually ended up in hospital after one sesion)
It was the deception that finished things for me. I lost all trust and respect.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,504
Location: Central Pennsylvania
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Post by MorningPerson on Dec 30, 2022 1:29:03 GMT
I think the key words in your post are I have boundaries.
NONE of us have any bit of control over other peoples choices and decisions, but we can do whatever it takes to take care of ourselves.
And I second AlAnon.
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Post by busy on Dec 30, 2022 2:12:10 GMT
I'm so so sorry you're going through this. Agreed that you establishing what your boundaries are is key.
My BFF is going through a very similar situation with her DH of 25 years. She decided what her boundaries are, communicated them to him, and she has stuck to them. She is going to Al-Anon for support and finds it beneficial.He decided he was going to try AA. He's having some success there. It's been a couple months and he has not been perfect with not drinking, but has been much better. He has not been acting the way he was and though he has had a couple drinks, he's admitted to it, and she has not seen the signs that he's been drinking to excess.
He is committed to their family and it seems the realization that my BFF would actually leave was the kick in the head he needed. He's also getting 1:1 therapy. But HE decided what his path was going to be to get better, BFF did not tell him how he had to change, but told him she would no longer tolerate being treated in certain, specific ways.
It sounds like you have a good plan. Lots of good thoughts for you. I haven't been there myself, but my heart breaks for my BFF as she deals with this. It's so hard.
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Post by CardBoxer on Dec 30, 2022 2:22:47 GMT
I’m so sorry. You deserve better. I hope the vacation break provides some space for moving forward.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
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Post by peaname on Dec 30, 2022 2:25:16 GMT
Unfortunately there is little you can do to influence someone’s behavior until they are ready for change. You can only work on yourself. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom got tremendous support with AlAnon. Please take care of yourself.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
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Post by scrappyesq on Dec 30, 2022 2:55:46 GMT
I am sorry. I don't have any advice, but can you or would you attend Al-Anon meetings? I have had friends go and they helped them tremendously. Might give you someone to talk to and maybe help you figure out how to approach this. What is his family situation like? Any support there?
I think your plan is on point, and adding Al-Anon meetings specifically geared towards family members affected by problem drinking is key.
Ex-dh also had a drinking problem for about a year before I left him. I was never brave enough to say anything. I take my hat off to you. Stay strong.
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 30, 2022 3:00:38 GMT
That situation is so difficult. As others have said he has to want to stop drinking, you can't make him. I wish that I had magic advice to make it all better. I admire your attitude and the fact that you know where your line is and what you will not put up with. I wish you strength.
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Post by cmpeter on Dec 30, 2022 3:08:40 GMT
I'm so sorry...both my dad and dh's dad were alcoholics. Dh's father passed away from complications due to his alcoholism at age 46. My dad lived to 83, but burned through three marriages and really had no relationship with any of his children at the time of his death. We tried multiple interventions and programs for my dad. But, he was never ready to quit. Nothing we said or did made any long-term difference.
I agree with the advice above. Set your boundaries and protect yourself.
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Post by smasonnc on Dec 30, 2022 3:16:59 GMT
Wishing you well. I've seen a lot of this and it is so tough. You can't control his actions. He can't even control his actions because the addiction is in control. Stage an intervention involving his friends, family, and anyone to whom he will listen. Involve the priest, his doctor, whatever it takes. This is beyond your skill set.
I'm glad you seem to know where the line is because this kind of behavior can really grind you down. I hope you can sort this out, but if not, protect yourself. Sending hugs.
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Post by SallyPA on Dec 30, 2022 3:40:09 GMT
Big hugs. My BFF is also dealing with this in her relationship so I have heard and experienced a small fraction of it myself. I totally get what you say about him being a different person after 5. I think you have a good plan. Al-anon would also be excellent for more support.
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edie3
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,466
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Post by edie3 on Dec 30, 2022 3:42:24 GMT
I am so sorry. I wish you strength.
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Post by wordfish on Dec 30, 2022 4:00:43 GMT
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
If you intend to follow through with your ultimatum, make sure you are prepared to do it. If you need more time to prepare, that's okay. You need to take care of you. What he does is entirely up to him. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
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Post by flanz on Dec 30, 2022 4:10:52 GMT
Sending you lots of love as you face this situation.
As others have said, you seem to have a great plan and clear boundaries.
I wish you the very best as you decide what the future will look like.
xo
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 30, 2022 4:26:06 GMT
Tred with care. You said he can get belligerent and intimidating. Your safety comes first. You are in an area where guns are easily accessible.
This is a tough situation. Al-Anon is a good place to get ideas for you and how you can address it all. You can not change him. The only person you have control of is you.
When you make decisions, stick with them. Know your financial situation and have what you need on hand to leave for safety as needed. BTDT.
Wishing you the best whether you go together or apart.
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Post by leannec on Dec 30, 2022 4:38:50 GMT
I'll give you the perspective of the drinker ... I am a recovering alcoholic ... I day drank because I was a bored housewife with depression and PTSD that just felt that was the way to go ... My former dh (we are divorced now for various reasons) and dd's gave me wake up call and I went to outpatient treatment because I agreed that keeping my family together was more important! I'm not going to say that I haven't slipped up and that it hasn't been really difficult but I have a lot of support! The fact is, if the person doesn't want to stop drinking they won't ... it's that simple ... I still struggle but I have my priorities ... it is really difficult now because I live alone and could drink anytime I want and no one would know ... but I have to stick to the plan ... AA wasn't for me but it definitely works for others ... now I fill my spare time with other things ... that is all I can do.  Good luck to you! |
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Post by lucyg on Dec 30, 2022 5:51:52 GMT
Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. They are very good with both support and education for family members of alcoholics. Give it some time … it’s uncomfortable being so open and on display at first.
Good luck.
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Post by malibou on Dec 30, 2022 7:41:41 GMT
Oh kitten, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Your plan sounds solid to me. I'm pleased to hear you have boundaries, be sure to make him aware of exactly where those boundaries are.
You've got this.
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Post by CardBoxer on Dec 30, 2022 12:01:16 GMT
Tred with care. You said he can get belligerent and intimidating. Your safety comes first. You are in an area where guns are easily accessible. This is a tough situation. Al-Anon is a good place to get ideas for you and how you can address it all. You can not change him. The only person you have control of is you. When you make decisions, stick with them. Know your financial situation and have what you need on hand to leave for safety as needed. BTDT. Wishing you the best whether you go together or apart. All of that. Your safety and the safety and care of your beloved animals. |
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,913
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Post by pilcas on Dec 30, 2022 13:39:08 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have thought this through and your ideas are very sound. As someone said, prepare yourself for the worst. I was wondering if he is suffering from depression.
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