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Post by miranda on Jan 21, 2023 21:11:04 GMT
I have a friend i've known for almost 35 years. She grew up in a household where the parents were frugal if not on the poorer side. They currently in retirement have money but are cheap, says she. She/hubby have plenty of money and have nice things, but she herself tends to be frugal and complains a lot about spending. I figured whatever, upbringing maybe?
Her adult dd and hubby are doing pretty well as i'm told by friend. They've recently had a baby and have bought every high end piece of baby gear going - $1000 stroller, $2000 bassinet. I'm hearing about them all, price tags included. I don't really talk money with people and i'm a live and let live kind of person. If they want to drop that kind of money on baby stuff I couldn't care less what they do with their money.
Here's where the issue comes in. I know that with the upcoming birth of our dd's first there will be comparisons made on her part. Ours will choose good products, but not top of the line. Our dd does fine financially, but friend has definitely made comments in the past and will make assumptions now with the two having their kids closer together. She's definitely going to start recommending products.
Would this type of thing annoy you? And how would you shut it down pretty quickly if she starts with how much better the things her dd is buying?
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Post by Zee on Jan 21, 2023 21:13:38 GMT
Tell her they're sticking to their budget? She should respect that given how she lives, right? I can't see why she wouldn't if you've been friends for 35 years.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jan 21, 2023 21:25:12 GMT
I wouldn't give it a second thought. You aren't the one buying it. You brush it off and say that you have no idea what they are spending on their baby items. If an item is recommended, ask what features they like about it. That's as far as I'd think about it.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 21, 2023 21:38:24 GMT
If she brings it up that directly (saying how much her DD's items are) I'd just say that it's pointless to compare the two DD's baby purchases as they have different reasons for their purchases. Then change the subject. Rinse, lather, repeat. No one can continue to do that unless you buy into the conversation and take part. but friend has definitely made comments in the past and will make assumptions now with the two having their kids closer together. She's definitely going to start recommending products. What kind of assumptions do you assume she will begin to make? As for as any recommendations, say thank you and change the subject. |
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Post by miranda on Jan 21, 2023 21:39:19 GMT
I wouldn't give it a second thought. You aren't the one buying it. You brush it off and say that you have no idea what they are spending on their baby items. If an item is recommended, ask what features they like about it. That's as far as I'd think about it. She really gives off a they have money and are better than vibe about the dd. So it's a becoming obnoxious. |
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leeny
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Post by leeny on Jan 21, 2023 21:42:59 GMT
Gently remind her the baby will be fine no matter the dollar value of the baby items. This is not a competition! Congrats in advance on your grandbaby!
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Post by lucyg on Jan 21, 2023 21:45:48 GMT
This does not sound like a friend I’d enjoy hanging around with.
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Post by miranda on Jan 21, 2023 21:47:13 GMT
Gently remind her the baby will be fine no matter the dollar value of the baby items. This is not a competition! Congrats in advance on your grandbaby! Thank you we're very excited  |
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snyder
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Post by snyder on Jan 21, 2023 21:47:14 GMT
And the baby uses these items for such a short time, why spend big dollars? Save it for when they are in school and want and need thngs for school, etc.
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Post by miranda on Jan 21, 2023 21:53:52 GMT
If she brings it up that directly (saying how much her DD's items are) I'd just say that it's pointless to compare the two DD's baby purchases as they have different reasons for their purchases. Then change the subject. Rinse, lather, repeat. No one can continue to do that unless you buy into the conversation and take part. but friend has definitely made comments in the past and will make assumptions now with the two having their kids closer together. She's definitely going to start recommending products. What kind of assumptions do you assume she will begin to make? As for as any recommendations, say thank you and change the subject. She's made comments like maybe son-in-law (mine) will try for a better job. I think the comment was related to the fact that she's assuming he doesn't have a good job because they've yet to buy a house. She knows the company he works for, but not his position. Her family has commented that she thinks the sun rises and sets on dd's head. I didn't realize how spot on they were until recently when everything the girl buys, mom shares that it's the best of the best and tells me the cost. |
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iowgirl
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Post by iowgirl on Jan 21, 2023 21:54:00 GMT
When someone started spouting off how nice of things they had, I would always say that my Great Grandmother's baby bed was a dresser drawer and she turned out fine.
It generally confuses them enough they quite bragging. LOL
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Jan 21, 2023 22:02:07 GMT
She's made comments like maybe son-in-law (mine) will try for a better job. I think the comment was related to the fact that she's assuming he doesn't have a good job because they've yet to buy a house. She knows the company he works for, but not his position. Her family has commented that she thinks the sun rises and sets on dd's head. I didn't realize how spot on they were until recently when everything the girl buys, mom shares that it's the best of the best and tells me the cost. Comments on the job - ignore and change the subject. A retail report on her DD's purchases, complete with costs - ignore and change the subject. She is doing this from a place of insecurity. I have seen it with people who grew up with very little and then when a child makes it financially, they love to brag about it. If you do not buy into her comparisons and bragging, it will eventually taper off. However, you have been friends for 35 years and appear to be very close. Why don't you just sit down and tell her that the constant comparisons, comments about your SIL getting a better job and the retail reports bother you and why? Tell her you don't see it as a competition or a way to prove whose child has done better financially. If you aren't willing to be open with her about this, then all you can do is control your reaction. In that case continue to not fall for the bait and change the subject. Stop being a participant in her oneupmanship. |
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Post by mom on Jan 21, 2023 22:07:55 GMT
She's made comments like maybe son-in-law (mine) will try for a better job. I think the comment was related to the fact that she's assuming he doesn't have a good job because they've yet to buy a house. She knows the company he works for, but not his position. Her family has commented that she thinks the sun rises and sets on dd's head. I didn't realize how spot on they were until recently when everything the girl buys, mom shares that it's the best of the best and tells me the cost. Comments on the job - ignore and change the subject. A retail report on her DD's purchases, complete with costs - ignore and change the subject. She is doing this from a place of insecurity. I have seen it with people who grew up with very little and then when a child makes it financially, they love to brag about it. If you do not buy into her comparisons and bragging, it will eventually taper off. However, you have been friends for 35 years and appear to be very close. Why don't you just sit down and tell her that the constant comparisons, comments about your SIL getting a better job and the retail reports bother you and why? Tell her you don't see it as a competition or a way to prove whose child has done better financially. If you aren't willing to be open with her about this, then all you can do is control your reaction. In that case continue to not fall for the bait and change the subject. Stop being a participant in her oneupmanship. Read that again and seriously consider having this talk with your friend. Its time. Edited to add: this is probably only the start of the baby comparisons. You really need to get ahead of this now. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jan 21, 2023 22:10:34 GMT
I wouldn't give it a second thought. You aren't the one buying it. You brush it off and say that you have no idea what they are spending on their baby items. If an item is recommended, ask what features they like about it. That's as far as I'd think about it. She really gives off a they have money and are better than vibe about the dd. So it's a becoming obnoxious. If they have more money than your DD, that's ok. If your DD and DH spend money more wisely than the other couple, good for them. There will always be someone with more money than me. There will always be someone with less money. It's the way of the world. You don't know if the other couple is in debt up to their eyeballs. Some things make a little more sense to spend more money on than others. A $1,000 pram does not seem to me to be a good investment. A bassinet is only used a few short months. But those were my decisions to make. Others raved about their Baby Bjorn carriers when my kids were born. I used a sling that I'd bought second hand and loved it. To each their own. |
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Post by Lexica on Jan 21, 2023 22:21:38 GMT
First, I will say that personally, I find spending insane amounts of money on baby things a total waste. That's just my personal opinion. They grow so quickly and pretty soon that $2,000 bassinet is going to be collecting dust in their basement. I would never spend that on a bassinet even if I was rolling in money because I don't find that the length of use warrants it. BUT, I would never ever tell anyone that. Everyone makes their own decisions and choses what matters to them the most. And that's just fine. But I do find her telling you how much something costs to become quite exhausting after a while.
Since you know that your grandchild will have all that it needs, regardless of the price of the bed it sleeps in, you should just let comments like that slide by. If you cannot do that, then I think you should have a conversation with her about how her comparison of your daughters is not something you want to participate in. I don't think it would be out of line to tell her that you value her friendship and don't want to risk it by discussing things like this. And maybe after the young couple see how fast their baby has outgrown things they will stop buying expensive stuff and your friend will have nothing to talk about.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Jan 21, 2023 22:28:24 GMT
This does not sound like a friend I’d enjoy hanging around with. Same! |
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Post by lisae on Jan 21, 2023 22:41:21 GMT
I'm a little confused. If she is on the frugal side, it seems to me she would like the price point your daughter is likely to go for rather than the expensive things chosen for her grandchildren. Money is always relative. What is expensive for one is cheap for another.
If she starts in, I would just say that it is your daughter's baby and she is choosing the things she thinks is best. If it were me, I would say I raised her to be careful with her money. I might point out that there will be plenty of choices where a grandparent and a parent disagree and I would rather pick my battles more carefully than trying to recommend baby things to a new parent.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Jan 21, 2023 22:53:15 GMT
Gently remind her the baby will be fine no matter the dollar value of the baby items. This is not a competition! Congrats in advance on your grandbaby! Yes, and also that they have done their research and have chosen the products that best meet the baby's health and safety needs. Also, (if it's true) that they have consulted with their pediatrician. Actually, babies need very little to start with. It's the adults (parents, grandparents and friends) who want all the things. |
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Jan 21, 2023 23:04:21 GMT
My response would be, “I have no idea what they’re getting. They’re taking care of that kind of stuff on their own.” My daughter is having a baby in April and that answer is completely truthful.
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Post by ChicagoKTS on Jan 21, 2023 23:30:17 GMT
Don’t engage on the topic. Just say you have no idea what they’re getting for their baby as it’s none of your business and no one else’s either.
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Jan 22, 2023 0:04:13 GMT
My dd & her friends that are having babies research every item extensively & obsessively. They don’t all buy the same items.
I have no say in what she chooses. Your friend needs something else to focus on other than how much they’re spending.
Her comparing would get old. If it were me I’d be avoiding her.
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Post by lg on Jan 22, 2023 0:05:22 GMT
I’m yet to be able to look at a baby and determine if they have thrown up in a $1000 pram or a hand me down one, or slept the night before in a $2000 bassinet or a dresser drawer. It’s nice to have new things for this new stage in their life, but not essential. Half of the fancy things I bought got zero use as I just kept going back to the basics! Maybe steer your friend and her conversations instead to ways that she is going to nurture or document babies arrival and life as opposed to what baby has? A lot of the time new parents have no time, space or brain power to document the little moments. I’ve read of grandchildren receiving journals written by their parents/grandparents that pass on their earthly wisdom and memories of spending time with them, and I know that journal is treasured and valued way more than a pram or bassinet twenty years from now. If you need guidance, this subscription site has prompts that get emailed to you on a weekly basis: www.storyworth.com You write responses and at the end you get a bound book that you can give to your grandchild/ren. Maybe you can both sign up to this? Then you could compare stories etc each week 😁 I’m not affiliated, I just love the idea so much I for one for both parents and for my friend who is a recent empty nester |
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Post by kluski on Jan 22, 2023 1:39:03 GMT
Remind her we rode in cars without seat belts, including on the back dash. Babies grow out of this stuff so quickly, it’s best to stick to safe products that suit your budget. A name brand and price tag do not make items safer nor do the influencers on social media.
Enjoy your new grand baby!
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kate
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Post by kate on Jan 22, 2023 1:50:38 GMT
I would not engage in any price-talk. You can ooh and ahh when your friend brags - no need to volunteer what your own DD is doing.
Or if your friend knows and asks something dumb like, "Why are they getting the $500 Ajax stroller instead of the $1500 Platinum stroller?" you can just shrug and say, "They're getting what they think best suits their needs." Lather, rinse, repeat.
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Post by miranda on Jan 22, 2023 2:05:58 GMT
I'm a little confused. If she is on the frugal side, it seems to me she would like the price point your daughter is likely to go for rather than the expensive things chosen for her grandchildren. Money is always relative. What is expensive for one is cheap for another. If she starts in, I would just say that it is your daughter's baby and she is choosing the things she thinks is best. If it were me, I would say I raised her to be careful with her money. I might point out that there will be plenty of choices where a grandparent and a parent disagree and I would rather pick my battles more carefully than trying to recommend baby things to a new parent.Honestly i'm a bit confused that she's so obsessed with giving the prices of every expensive item. As someone in a post above mentioned maybe it's insecurity and a my dd made it kind of thing?! I don't want to give the impression that I think my dd is cheaping out and I disagree with her choices. My mindset is that you can buy things that are safe, yet much less expensive than a $1,000 stroller. I don't want to insult her dd for her choices, but I want the same respect. |
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Post by bigbundt on Jan 22, 2023 2:17:45 GMT
Just don't offer up any information. Say you *think* she might have a bassinet but no clue which one. What stroller? You know the one? With wheels? That one. Carseat? I don't know. If she doesn't have that information, she can't "use" it against you or your daughter.
Honestly it sounds like she is incredibly insecure. I'd do my best to steer her away any and all baby talk. Keep it surface level, compliment her grandbaby, compliment yours, move onto the weather.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 22, 2023 3:27:44 GMT
And the baby uses these items for such a short time, why spend big dollars? Save it for when they are in school and want and need thngs for school, etc. 100% this. We’re very comfortable financially and I was happy to buy probably 90% of the stuff my kid had from consignment sales for a fraction of the price the stuff was new. Brand name stuff that looked like new when we bought it (some with the store tags still hanging on them), I took good care of it while I had it, and resold it for what I paid when she outgrew it. Win-win, IMO. Sometimes people need to be reminded that parenting is not a competition. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 22, 2023 9:19:23 GMT
And the baby uses these items for such a short time, why spend big dollars? Save it for when they are in school and want and need thngs for school, etc. Seriously! $2000 for a bassinette? I had 4 kids, and the combined time all four spent in the bassinette was negligible. Maybe for a crib, if I had a gob of money and nothing to do with it. OP. Congratulations on your coming grandchild. I hope you love being a grandparent as much as I do. If you don’t let yourself be baited into a competition on who bought what, or whose kid did what first, I hope you can also keep your friendship healthy. Now, the only important issue facing you is: What Will Be Your Grandmother Name? |
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 22, 2023 12:42:16 GMT
My response would be, “I have no idea what they’re getting. They’re taking care of that kind of stuff on their own.” My daughter is having a baby in April and that answer is completely truthful.  |
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Post by peasapie on Jan 22, 2023 13:04:19 GMT
I wouldn't give it a second thought. You aren't the one buying it. You brush it off and say that you have no idea what they are spending on their baby items. If an item is recommended, ask what features they like about it. That's as far as I'd think about it. She really gives off a they have money and are better than vibe about the dd. So it's a becoming obnoxious. I’d call her on that in a nice way. That behavior is similar to people who are always bragging about their kids vs anyone else’s - as adults, we should know this can be rude. Nip it in the bud now or you’ll be hearing about the “wonderfulness” forever. |
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