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Post by Zee on Mar 6, 2023 2:38:47 GMT
I don't need to share tons of details. I know I've given advice to not let them hurt you but it's not always easy to TAKE that advice.
Long story short, my son moved back home as he was truly struggling with anxiety and depression that left him on the verge of homelessness.
He's been back for a year and recently was doing so much better! Job, school, motivation. Then he went back to PA and found that his rekindled romance with his old (damaged) HS girlfriend was not going to work.
So he's again not working, lying around, doing nothing, acting like a dick.
I've been understanding but told him working is no longer optional. He's 25 and he has to get it together. That I'm very proud of how far he's come but it's no longer time to allow lying around the house because he can't work because the relationship once again did not work out.
Wow did he say some hurtful things. Really below the belt. I left for work in tears.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, just venting because I can't take a whole lot more of this before I just totally shut down with him. I don't like being emotionally vulnerable and I don't stay that way for long but your kids just have that power, don't they?
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 6, 2023 2:41:24 GMT
Yes, they can be awful. And when they are hurting they can really bad. May he get his poop in a group. Hope he apologizes or at least tries to make it up to you.
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Post by Zee on Mar 6, 2023 2:43:23 GMT
Thank you Nancy...i did lol @ "poop in a group". It's been such a struggle, for him especially. I guess they strike out at "safe" targets but it doesn't hurt less for all that.
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Post by leannec on Mar 6, 2023 2:44:03 GMT
He's 25 ... time to get out on his own ... you need your own space and a chance to get your head together ... tell him and give him a date ... three months is a workable time to find a job and a place with friends.  Failure to launch is real ... sorry you are in this position! I don't know what he said but kids can hurt us.  |
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by YooHoot on Mar 6, 2023 2:49:37 GMT
I’m sorry he said hurtful things to you. We always want to be a soft spot for our kids to land but that doesn’t mean you get to be his emotional punching bag. I agree with a timeline. Even if it’s baby steps. Part time job, then full time, have a future goal. Pay some rent, then make the rent higher so he feels like it would be better to move out. Big hugs.
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Bridget in MD
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,054
Member is Online
Jun 25, 2014 20:40:00 GMT
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Post by Bridget in MD on Mar 6, 2023 2:55:37 GMT
Awwww I’m sorry. Kids do know how to cut us to the core 😞
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Post by Merge on Mar 6, 2023 3:02:30 GMT
I’m so sorry. Yes, they can be so terribly hurtful. Even if it’s not his diagnosis, there’s a lot of help to be found for you in books/groups for parents who have kids with BPD (who often exhibit extremely hurtful behaviors). Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good one.
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Post by lucyg on Mar 6, 2023 3:18:33 GMT
I am PMing you, because I don’t even want to post my kid story publicly.  |
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,969
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Post by Nanner on Mar 6, 2023 3:23:51 GMT
I'm sorry.
I understand. 100%. It's an awful thing to deal with.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Mar 6, 2023 3:25:42 GMT
I am sorry you’re suffering.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Mar 6, 2023 3:54:22 GMT
I am sorry.
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Post by auntiepeas on Mar 6, 2023 4:04:19 GMT
I’m sorry, hang in there mama. 💚
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 6, 2023 4:09:04 GMT
We love our children more than our own lives and when they hurt us it is to the absolute core. As much as you love him, he is not allowed to be abusive and mean to you. He can work. He can find a place to live. He can be a good citizen of the house, too. I'm so very sorry. Wait until he is calmer and you are feeling better and then you can have a calm discussion about expectations and rules. A 3 month move-out goal is a good one for both of you. It's amazing how young adults thrive when given the opportunity.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,020
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Post by mimima on Mar 6, 2023 4:15:03 GMT
Mom hugs. Parenting shakes us to our inner core
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Post by gizzy on Mar 6, 2023 4:18:54 GMT
Yes, they surely do. Hugs to you, it's not easy. My DS has a failure to launch & we've had these talks, too.
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Post by tenacious on Mar 6, 2023 4:20:28 GMT
I am sorry. My oldest DS21 lashes out on me regularly, and right now won’t speak to me for reasons of which I am completely unaware….so, I feel you. It is really hard, and I am sending you empathy and support. It a tough world for today’s young people, and the messages they receive from society are discouraging and can cause them a lot of stress/fear that comes out as anger. Often directed at those they love the most and feel safe unloading on. And, it hurts.
Please take care of yourself and know that we can take some feedback from our kids, and we should! But, that doesn’t mean everything they hurl at us is true. If you weren’t a good mom, you wouldn’t care. And, don’t have to be perfect to be a good mom.
(Hugs)
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Post by belgravia on Mar 6, 2023 4:37:30 GMT
I’m sorry 😢 Being a mom is not for sissies.
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Post by malibou on Mar 6, 2023 5:46:54 GMT
Sending you a solid 20 second hug. I'm sorry you are hurting.
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Post by Jockscrap on Mar 6, 2023 7:56:05 GMT
No advice, just acknowledgement that it can be really tough, and validation for everything you’re feeling. Hope you get out the other side of this soon and the penny drops with your boy that he could be doing so much better.
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Post by gar on Mar 6, 2023 8:48:58 GMT
Yes it hurts like nothing else, that’s for sure and knowing it’s because we’re their ‘safe place’ doesn’t mean it hurts any less - in fact the opposite is probably true.
Hang in there - I hope things improve soon.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
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Post by used2scrap on Mar 6, 2023 8:59:47 GMT
I’m sorry.😢
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Mar 6, 2023 9:41:11 GMT
We always lash out at those we love the most. He's struggling, can't cope with his feelings and responsibilities, you're the nearest target. When my Mum tells my brother that he's got to make a decision, he always replies that she doesn't, and that's where he gets it from. They're both right. It used to hurt them both but they've got used to it now.
Yes, our nearest and dearest know ho to push our buttons. I'm sorry he's hit you right where it hurt the most. The biggest hugs.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 6, 2023 10:49:03 GMT
I’m mad at him for you  Biggest hugs. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 6, 2023 11:10:05 GMT
It is the very people who have seen us at our most vulnerable who have the power to bring us right back to our own vulnerability. It sucks so bad. Sometimes there is a kernel of truth that we can address, reassure, and move forward if we can sense that the child is feeling very vulnerable too. And sometimes it is just lashing out with no provocation and it can get ugly to the point of abuse if you let it go on. I know, BTDT. I know the fine line between something we need to take responsibility for and something that is outrageously false and unworthy of the incident. And I also know that no matter what category it falls in, it doesn't feel good. How can they not see we did (do) our absolute best for them?
Anyway, all this to say...I'm sorry you are hurting. This is one of the most difficult things about parenting. I apologize about my rambling. The feelings your post brings up just break my heart. I hate that anyone has to experience it. Hugs to you. ❤️
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Post by littlemama on Mar 6, 2023 11:12:35 GMT
Im so sorry you are hurting.
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Post by disneypal on Mar 6, 2023 12:15:12 GMT
I'm sorry...it is hard to have someone you love and care about speak to you like that and say such hurtful things. How can he not see all you are doing for him? He'd be homeless if it were not for you. I'm sorry ((HUGS)) |
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Post by mollycoddle on Mar 6, 2023 12:15:56 GMT
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve such treatment. And if it’s any comfort, you are ultimately doing him a favor by forcing him to grow up. Enabling his self pity would hurt him in the end. Yeah, he will be angry. Parents are easy targets, unfortunately. But part of being an adult means that you still have to do adult things, even if you are hurting and miserable. Hang tough.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 6, 2023 12:25:31 GMT
Offering you a big hug and hoping he finds that spark that will enable him to create a good life for himself.
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,466
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Post by casii on Mar 6, 2023 13:07:28 GMT
No one can hurt you like your kids can. It's brutal.
Sending you hugs.
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Post by PenandInk on Mar 6, 2023 14:02:28 GMT
I’m so sorry. Yes, they can be so terribly hurtful. Even if it’s not his diagnosis, there’s a lot of help to be found for you in books/groups for parents who have kids with BPD (who often exhibit extremely hurtful behaviors). Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good one. You are not alone. I also do not wish to share my story publicly, but I have been there and am still in the trenches with this. This book did help me tremendously, as has therapy. The blaming “everything wrong in their life and the world” on me has been the hardest part. It has shaken me to my core and I struggle with it every moment of every day. I’m so sorry you and all the other peas who posted here are going through this. Kids are hard. |
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