mlcmom
Junior Member
Posts: 94 
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Post by mlcmom on Apr 8, 2023 13:01:17 GMT
My 87 yo mom came to live with us almost 3 yrs ago- she was living in an independent retirement community and struggling with being so isolated because of Covid. We had discussed the possibility of her coming to live with us before but Covid just made it happen sooner. It was the right decision because she was struggling a little more than I realized and was easily overwhelmed with some of her day to day responsibilities, esp if she wasn't feeling great. She has had some serious health issues in the past due to having a blood clotting disorder but is overall doing well for her age. It also helped for her to get hearing aids and lose some weight/ build up her core strength- she is very disciplined about walking/ excercising because she's seen how much it has helped her. So here is my question- in the past year she has started to have some memory problems and has needed more help with financial stuff ( my DH is an acct) so we are glad to help with that. Not paying her bills but just helping to make sure they are paid, helping with online stuff, etc. She realizes that her memory is getting worse and I try to reassure her that we are here to help support her but she has a couple friends that are having significant memory issues so that is stressful to her. She has recently told us she wants my DH to take over her bill payments so that she's not worrying about it so much. Part of my concern is that I'm not sure what my siblings (2) will think of that and also how to balance helping her vs. taking control. I realize that we are lucky that she acknowledges that she needs help ( even tho she's struggling with acknowledging she prob needs to give up driving in the near future đ€š). If you've been in this situation, at what age was your parent when you made that decision? Were you able to take responsibility for financial stuff without them feeling like they were losing control/ undermining their self confidence? If it matters , she trusts my husband and I am already on her accounts so we will prob add him just to make things easier in the future. I'm open to advice if you've gone thru this- thanks!
-- Two updates further down in the thread to answer questions! Thanks everyone!
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Post by craftedbys on Apr 8, 2023 13:14:11 GMT
My 95 year old father lives with me and my family. He lived in an independent living apartment but hated it, especially through covid, so we moved him with us two years ago.
Frankly, at his age he really doesn't have any bills.
We put him on our AT&T plan because it is only $10 per month and he only talks to my brothers and uncle.
After mom died he put me and one of my brothers on his checking account and I got a debit card with my name in it.
I use it to pay for his medicines and anything he needs/wants. My brother who is on the account can look online and see transactions.
His health insurance supplement is a direct payment from his account.
The only other bill he has is his yearly income tax and I take the papers to his tax guy and next week I will take Dad out to sign the taxes.
As long as you are transparent with your siblings and they can see where the money is going, they probably are just glad it is being taken care of and it is less for them to do.
BTW, make sure there is a power of attorney in place and make sure it is you.
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Post by Zee on Apr 8, 2023 13:15:54 GMT
Get a POA in place for financial/legal matters and also for healthcare matters. Be transparent with your siblings while Mom still has the ability to tell them that's what she would like. Hopefully this will not be a matter of contention in your family!
In the meantime you can help get get things set up on autopay so she's not forgetting them.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,329
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Post by amom23 on Apr 8, 2023 13:45:58 GMT
When my (single/divorced) mom retired and moved back to her hometown she drew up power of attorney papers for medical and financial then added me to her new checking account. Nobody ever thought much of it until 2 years ago when mom ended up having to move into an assisted living apartment then 7 months later to the adjacent nursing home due to dementia. It's been a godsend that mom had drawn up those POA papers and added me to her checking account. Now I have 2 other siblings, but they each live out of state. In our family nobody questions the care mom is receiving or how I am handling her affairs. I am very open with my siblings and they can always ask me anything.
My elderly MIL is still living on her own with some assistance. DH helps her with her finances and taxes, etc. His siblings all live far away too and they also don't question the help DH gives to their mom. DH also has POA, but he's very transparent with his siblings.
You absolutely need to get power of attorney papers drawn up. With your mom being 87 anything can come up at any time.
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Post by monklady123 on Apr 8, 2023 14:57:11 GMT
Absolutely power of attorney for everything. You can always have your siblings put on the POA also, if you think they won't want you doing it solo. My sister was also POA for my parents but in reality she did nothing while I did everything. As long as your siblings trust that you're not taking advantage of your mom it shouldn't be any problem.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 8, 2023 15:03:52 GMT
This is old school but works. Get a big wall calendar and put due dates of her bills on each month. She can see at a glance what is due and when. Each day, mark the current day off so she always knows what day it is. Remind her, if needed, to check each week, to see what is due the next week so she pays her bills before the due date.
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Post by femalebusiness on Apr 8, 2023 15:16:09 GMT
When my mother started going downhill I took over all of her bills/financial business. I kept good records and periodically sent my sister an accounting so that there was never any question about how I was handling everything. I think, with siblings, the most important thing is transparency and communication.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 8, 2023 15:24:54 GMT
Get a POA in place for financial/legal matters and also for healthcare matters. Be transparent with your siblings while Mom still has the ability to tell them that's what she would like. Hopefully this will not be a matter of contention in your family! In the meantime you can help get get things set up on autopay so she's not forgetting them. 100% this. Thatâs what my mom did before things got really bad and it allowed me to do what was needed to make sure her care went along uninterrupted. I stepped in and took over momâs finances when we realized she wasnât able to manage her checking account independently anymore. She had previously put my sister and I on her accounts when she set up the POA so when the time came it was an easy transition. You donât want to wait until itâs not a decision she can make, at that point itâs too late. One thing we did to attempt to keep the family peace was my siblings and I would get together periodically to go over momâs expenses, any health care concerns, etc. so everyone was on the same page. (For full disclosure, my one sister did go off the deep end when it came time to move mom into a nursing home, but because everyone else was on board sister had to step off and go along with majority rule, especially since mom had the financial resources to provide for it.) As for the age when it became necessary, thatâs going to be an individual thing based on the person and their unique health situation. My mom was 74 when her twin passed away and that was when we realized how much they compensated for each other. My mom was diagnosed with beginning stages Alzheimerâs within a year, and it wasnât long after that that she moved in with my brother. She was still able to drive for a few years after that. When the recession hit and my brother was laid off was also right around the time when momâs health declined significantly, so we were lucky that he was able to be there with her full time because none of the rest of us were in any position to take that on. She was able to help provide for him with a place to live, etc. and he provided care for her in terms of cooking, keeping up the house and yard, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. I took her to all of her appointments, got her to and from her volunteer gigs, made sure the bills got paid and her taxes got filed, etc. |
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Post by compeateropeator on Apr 8, 2023 15:33:29 GMT
My parents are turning 80 this year and my dad is fastidious with his budgeting, bill paying and record keeping. In all actuality he probably should be helping me as I am not so much and never really have been.
I think as long as she is comfortable there is no reason for your husband to not takeover. I would just document and be open to your siblings, have the necessary legal papers prepared and give her a little relief on an added stress that you can see is bothering her. People of all ages have people who help them with all aspects of finances.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Apr 8, 2023 16:14:49 GMT
Power of Attorney is advisable. Medical one too. Dh started paying my in-laws bills when they were in their 60âs. Start a journal or book for each transaction. Keep all receipts. In Canada, we can claim hearing aid batteries as a medical expense. Best price is at Costco and they recycle the batteries.
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Post by scraphollie27 on Apr 8, 2023 17:15:11 GMT
My Grandpa was 90 when he asked me for help paying the bills. He didnât have any memory issues but every time he received a bill in the mail, heâd drive down to the bank to pay it. It was exhausting him. I created online accounts for the utility bills and set them up to be auto paid and I cancelled his gas credit card and told him to use his Visa card for gas. I set the VISA card to be auto paid as well.
My Dad was the POA but doesnât use a computer so I told him what I was doing ever step of the way. I also went to the bank with my Grandpa so they could set his bank and credit card accounts up with online access so I could monitor everything and pay a bill that way if I had to.
Online access to the utility accounts was super helpful when he died because it was a couple of clicks to cancel accounts instead of jumping through the estate hoops.
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mlcmom
Junior Member
Posts: 94
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Post by mlcmom on Apr 8, 2023 17:50:31 GMT
Ok thanks to everyone for your responses! I should have mentioned we do have POA and medical POA. As I said she has had a few serious medical issues so that's been set up for a few years as I am the only one that lived close. Part of the reason that I am sole medical POA is 1) I'm a nurse and feel like I can follow her wishes and advance directives if something critical happens 2) Neither of my sisters have stepped up to the plate when she has had a medical crisis . 3) my oldest sister does not want to face anything happening to her and won't have any conversations re: her wishes concerning medical issues and will def want everything done no matter what 4) My other sister is pretty much crazy (đ) and will criticize and argue with every decision made. She has and will make a scene at the hospital when she gets mad( with either my mom or dad). We haven't spoken in years over a stupid issue but it's really much easier that way. Lots of unresolved issues there. So we've made sure that legally everything is set up as well as possible. I guess I'm just struggling a little having to face that she is declining mentally and is worried / scared. It's good to know that many of you have taken the steps to start handling the financial stuff. I guess I should have mentioned that she only has three bills and we've offered to help her set up online bill pay but she's not internet savvy so she is not at all comfortable doing that. I will make sure we do keep everything open and visible should there be a question as that won't be hard to do. Thanks again for helping me navigate thru this and offering different perspectives.
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mlcmom
Junior Member
Posts: 94
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Post by mlcmom on Apr 8, 2023 18:02:49 GMT
Also, forgot to mention I like the calendar idea- that will be helpful for her to remember what day it is and what we have coming up. I do have a calendar on the frig where I put appts and social plans but I think I'll get a bigger one and mark the days off( might help me too!). She is easily overwhelmed when plans change or we have to wait to make plans so that we can be flexible with kids/ grandkids stuff but I've learned not to tell her some stuff till we're closer to the date and plans are more dependable. Her hearing aids just recharge every night in a little case so it's easy and she's done pretty well handling that. Thanks again!
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,614
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Apr 8, 2023 18:03:42 GMT
You absolutely need to get power of attorney papers drawn up. With your mom being 87 anything can come up at any time. this is great advice - though at any age things can happen and it makes life so much easier for everyone. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 8, 2023 18:07:45 GMT
Iâm assuming that if your mom is still driving, she has a credit card. And thereâs Medicare and prescription bills. If thereâs anything else, can you bundle it in with your expenses? You can transfer most cell phone numbers to another plan. I think those are FILâs expenses.
I agree with the othersâyou need a Durable power of attorney. You donât want to be on the accountsâthat will make you legally liable for the bills if she gets hacked or forgets and shops a lot. It also goes against your credit score.
DH took over his parentsâ accounts three years ago. They were 87 and 85 at the time, also need would outweigh age there. MIL has dementia and FIL had hip replacement surgery. He wasnât coping well with the pain, taking care of MIL and then the entire home health nurse department came down with COVID the day he had his surgery.
It took DH and his sister about 6 months and hours every night to get all the financial stuff transferred over. There was an estate transfer and a house to sell as well. Plus we were living overseas. It would have been so much easier if this had all been done when the in-laws could participate in the process. We had to wait for a lucid day for MIL to sign her papers and had a notary on standby to get that done. It was a mess! We never did get Wells Fargo to accept the durable POA and ended up transferring their money to another bank and just draining the account, leaving the account open with $1.
So my advice is to do this sooner rather than later. In the meantime, you can pay most bills online and they donât check to see who is logging into the account to pay.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
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Post by Peamac on Apr 8, 2023 18:18:47 GMT
My oldest sister is POA for everything for my Mom (they live across the street from each other). My sister pays all bills- most are autopay, like utilities and insurance. She grocery shops for Mom and takes her to the dr appointments (the rest of us kids live between an hour and 22 hours away).
She always updates us on dr appointments, changes in health, financial stuff, etc.
It was the logical thing to have her the POA since she is by far the closest to Mom. None of us siblings had any issues or concerns having her in charge when that time came.
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Post by lisae on Apr 8, 2023 18:59:19 GMT
You definitely need a power of attorney. I don't have siblings so I can't answer that but my parents had power of attorney - both business and medical - drawn up years before we needed them. We never used the business one for my dad but I was very relieved to have it for mother.
Years earlier than necessary, my mother started bringing me in the loop with her finances. Eventually she put my name on her checking account. Over time, I became more and more involved so it was an easy transition. A year or so before her formal diagnosis of Alzheimer's, she wrote some checks to pay bills but never mailed them. That was when I wet up automatic drafts to her checking account for everything we could. She also sent a blank check to the IRS. By blank, I mean she didn't fill anything out and they mailed it back to her. Then I knew I had to really watch everything. For the things we couldn't have automatically, I just checked her mail regularly and remembered when to pay insurances and things that were semi- or annual expenses. Because she lived at home until the last year, we probably had more bills than you will have.
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Post by KiwiJo on Apr 8, 2023 19:59:18 GMT
âŠâŠâŠ.Part of my concern is that I'm not sure what my siblings (2) will think of that and also how to balance helping her vs. taking control. If you've been in this situation, at what age was your parent when you made that decision? Were you able to take responsibility for financial stuff without them feeling like they were losing control/ undermining their self confidence? Two things about what your siblings will thinkâŠ. 1. You have a legal power of attorney so legally it doesnât matter what they think. 2. It sounds as though one of them would actually be pleased because then she doesnât have to deal with your mom needing the help because she is starting to decline; and the other one is going to complain no matter what happens, so it may as well be because you are actually helping your mom. Now, about you taking over things like that, and how it will affect your momâŠ. It absolutely sounds to me that she will be relieved and grateful, and it will make her life much easier. You say she recently told you she would like your DH to take over her payments - believe her! She said that then she wouldnât worry so much. She is no doubt very conscious of how her abilities are starting to decline, and no amount of reassurance that she can still do things is going to help. The decline is real, and happens to everyone at some stage. Some earlier than 87, and some later, and your mom knows that. What will help is if she doesnât have to worry about important stuff like her bills being paid - after 87 years, she knows they are important, and I am certain she is telling the truth when she said she worries about it. So donât hesitate to do things for her, that will relieve her of worry and stress. Donât think that they will undermine her self-confidence because far from it - not having to deal with that worry will allow her the freedom to do what she can and wants to do. Things like the âwalking and exercise because sheâs seen how much it helps herâ. How wonderful is that! |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 8, 2023 20:01:53 GMT
My mom's moved to autopaying pretty much everything. It may be a solution that works if she wants to maintain some degree of control, but wants to avoid missing or being late on a payment. It's pretty crazy just how few things are not able to be auto payed now - she looks at everything every week or two to make sure nothing looks funky, but has the peace of mind to know it will all be paid on time even if she's having a bad day or forgets something. Sounds like you're ready with POA for the next step, but may be an interim solution.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 8, 2023 21:44:27 GMT
My mom will be 93 in June. When COVID hit, her mental abilities took a hit. But we had no idea how bad it was until I went to visit last year. I found piles of collections notices that my sister totally ignored. My mom was very resistant to letting go of that independence so we had no choice but to let her manage it. I helped her pay off all of those collections notices and got her up to date with delinquent bills before I flew home. Then she was a victim of identity theft. I live in another state and my mom refuses to wear her hearing aids. The bank would not help me and my mom was not capable of helping herself. At that point I told my mom she has no choice but to let my sister and I have POA. You have to do this with the bank and get notarized signatures. Do this now while your mom is still healthy enough to do so.
As for how to approach siblings, have the honest discussion. In my case, none of my siblings wanted to do it. They saw it as a hassle in their lives. I live in another state, so I pay the monthly bills through her online account. Now if something else pops up, I will have no way of knowing. So I really suggest that someone who lives with her or close to her handle this. That way you can check the mail.
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snyder
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Post by snyder on Apr 8, 2023 22:36:26 GMT
My dad did all financial stuff in the family, but he started showing mom a lot more the older they got, but it wasn't enough when he passed so she relied on me to help her quite a bit, so the transition to me taking over completely was pretty smoothe.
She had emegency surgery during covid and was pretty sick for a long while, so I was completely took over her finances at that time. When she got better, she stated asking questions and I showed her her check registry and she was fine with it. I do all her bills online, but still write them in her check register, so I have something to visually show her when she wants to see it or if my brother or sister would ever want to see it. The trust me, and they don't want the task, so that helps a whole lot. I also communicate with my siblings a lot to as to what is up and where she is financially.
Prior to her getting ill, we gradually started transitioning to me by me writing out the checks, and she signing them. We also used the calendar for due dates. I was lucky as she hated taking care of financial stuff as dad always did it and it just wasn't her thing.
Just the other day, she said to me. I hope I have enough money in my account. I told her she does and she told me she's so thankful she does not have to worry about that.
I think once you ease into it, your mom will be glad she doesn't have to worry about it any longer. She show here where her money is going.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,538
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Post by MerryMom on Apr 9, 2023 12:56:35 GMT
gradually started transitioning to me by me writing out the checks, and she signing them. This worked with Mom and I. She asked one day for me to send out her checks as she wasnât feeling well that day. From then on, she asked me to do it and sign her name (I had POA). I told her that I would be more comfortable if I fill them out and she would sign them. The bill invoice was with the envelope and she could see the amount. I wrote out her checks for well over a year. I did this because my two sisters are difficult and throw out unfounded accusations that have no basis in fact. Anyways, after Mom died, Momâs monthly bank statement came in the mail. Of course one of my sisters opened it and saw my handwriting, but Momâs signature. She said âHow do we know this wasnât to pay your bills?â I replied that I am on a well so no water bill and I am on propane, so no gas bill. I added that I live in a different county from Mom and none those of those utility companies serve my area. đ |
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Post by wordfish on Apr 9, 2023 15:03:12 GMT
I'm assuming if you have POAs, your mom also has a will? A Power of Attorney does not survive death.
One thing I have learned is that as people age, they can really be affected by anxiety. If your mom is asking for help managing her finances, it's definitely time.
My mom lived with us from 1991 until she died in 2014 . She was 91. She only asked for help with her bills in the last year or two, but I took over her taxes as soon as my dad died in 1987. She wanted nothing to do with that whole process, so I just pretended I was like H&R Block, did the taxes using Taxact, and presented her with a folder each year with the tax return and a note about how much her refund would be, or maybe one time how much she should write the check for. That worked well.
She asked that she be the one to determine when it was time to stop driving. That seemed reasonable. One day she came in, said she was done driving, and gave us her new car. We only needed to be her chauffeur from that point on. Apparently she had almost hit someone backing out of a parking space at the bank, and she realized she needed to be done. Looking back, that was pretty great of her and showed a lot of dignity and responsibility. Then my college-age daughter took the car out without permission and wrecked it, but that's another story heh. I got a car to drive my mom around in, and she died unexpectedly the very next month. Ah well.
Anyway, I guess my main point is that it probably took a lot for your mom to tell you that she needed help, and she was probably thinking about it for a while before asking. I wouldn't worry about what your siblings think. You're the one she asked, and you are the one taking the responsibility.
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Refupea #1142
