|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 17:28:55 GMT
This is a situation in our family (not my immediate family) but close enough I am vented to.
Three kids. Parents divorced. Mom covered first two kids graduations, pictures, announcements, all that kind of stuff. Dad did nothing for either kid except get them cars at 16 years old, which was stated in the divorce papers (didn't have to be brand new or expensive, just so they can get around).
Third kid is graduating. Since the first day of his senior year mom made it loud and clear that she isn't covering all this stuff again (she is tight on budget more so than ever since all alimony and child support will come to an end soon). She contacted dad at the beginning of the year and told son to remind him that he will be responsible. Dad makes a six figure paycheck. But seems to think he struggles. (He doesn't struggle.. he takes trips, buys girlfriend brand new F350, big hobbies, etc.)
Dad did nothing. No pictures, no announcements. Didn't even tell his parents that he was graduating. (The grandparents live in another state and older so they didn't have it on their radar)
Now mom is scrambling so kiddo isn't just left out. She is calling all of us family and friends to send graduation cards and so forth. She is throwing together a small party for him catered by his favorite food (Chick Fil A).. lol.
Too late for announcements. Mom might try to snap some nice pics but at this point it's about too late.
Since the divorce she bends over backwards to make it right for the kids. It's like the dad checked out. When he comes to town he calls the kids to met for dinner.. never asks if they have plans. They are expected to just drop everything and met him. They hate making waves but little by little they are seeing the light.
He even moved to another state without telling them until after he moved. He even moved all their stuff that was in his house.
Mom has never told them the truth about the divorce (He was cheating and into some serious over the top porn - dark web stuff, even a pimp was involved threatening the family - she didn't know about the really dark stuff until years later), she has never said anything really bad about him to the kids.. The oldest is beginning to see but still doesn't know the bad bad things.
ANYWAYS, I feel so bad that she has been once again put in this position. Why do people do this kind of crap?? OH to top it off, he turned 100% around in the political ring. Thinks Trump is the answer for everything. He once had JFK's picture hanging in their house in the game room! So weird...
|
|
|
|
Post by Bridget in MD on May 4, 2023 17:45:28 GMT
This is a situation in our family (not my immediate family) but close enough I am vented to. Three kids. Parents divorced. Mom covered first two kids graduations, pictures, announcements, all that kind of stuff. Dad did nothing for either kid except get them cars at 16 years old, which was stated in the divorce papers (didn't have to be brand new or expensive, just so they can get around). Third kid is graduating. Since the first day of his senior year mom made it loud and clear that she isn't covering all this stuff again (she is tight on budget more so than ever since all alimony and child support will come to an end soon). She contacted dad at the beginning of the year and told son to remind him that he will be responsible. Dad makes a six figure paycheck. But seems to think he struggles. (He doesn't struggle.. he takes trips, buys girlfriend brand new F350, big hobbies, etc.) Dad did nothing. No pictures, no announcements. Didn't even tell his parents that he was graduating. (The grandparents live in another state and older so they didn't have it on their radar) Now mom is scrambling so kiddo isn't just left out. She is calling all of us family and friends to send graduation cards and so forth. She is throwing together a small party for him catered by his favorite food (Chick Fil A).. lol. This probably won't be a popular answer, but mom probably should have known dad was a POS and wouldn't lift a finger for #3, esp if he didn't for the other 2 - not sure why she would have thought he would have changed just for #3 and because "she made it loud and clear." I know she is trying to keep things fair for #3, but saying she wasn't going to cover the graduation celebrations isn't fair to the kid bc the first 2 probably wouldn't have had that either if it hadnt been for her. Even if its not the same as the older 2, it sounds like what is coming together will be lovely and #3 will be celebrated, and that is what is important. I feel bad she is stressed, but there NO way I would have thought an XH would have stepped up and made this happen! |
|
|
|
Post by **GypsyGirl** on May 4, 2023 17:52:33 GMT
ANYWAYS, I feel so bad that she has been once again put in this position. Why do people do this kind of crap?? OH to top it off, he turned 100% around in the political ring. Thinks Trump is the answer for everything. He once had JFK's picture hanging in their house in the game room! So weird... To be honest, mom put herself in this position by refusing to do anything until the last minute. Especially after dad didn't lift a finger for the first two. It does sound like something will happen for #3 and I'm sure it will be lovely. Also, WTH does the dad's politics have to do with him neglecting to step up for his children? |
|
anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,847
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
|
Post by anaterra on May 4, 2023 17:52:55 GMT
I agree with Bridget... the mom knew he was a jackass... she made the choice to allow this to happen to #3... shes not dumb or new to the way ex behaves...
In my opinion... she should've just been the mom n do what moms do when it comes to loving and celebrating our kids...
|
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on May 4, 2023 17:55:28 GMT
I can see why he likes Trump. Birds of a feather and all that. Tell her not to regret not telling the kids anything about their dad’s behavior. I kicked my ex out when my son was an infant. He has no memory of us ever living together. Starting at around 8 years of age he started asking me why we divorced and my standard response was that when he turned 21, if he was still interested in knowing, I would give him a few details. By the time he turned 21 he had seen enough of his father’s antics (and multiple divorces) that he didn’t bother to ask me why I divorced him. He asked my why I married him in the first place.🙄🥺
I’m sorry the ex was once again a predictable a-hole. The kids don’t deserve that.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 18:00:37 GMT
Yeah I think in the back of her mind he was going to do this.. I totally get it.. just sucks that he's such an ass. Not even telling his own parents. Ugggg.
|
|
smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,710 
Location: Houston, TX
|
Post by smartypants71 on May 4, 2023 18:05:24 GMT
What i've learned with my ex is to expect nothing, so that if he does even the smallest thing, it's a nice surprise.
My 21yo had to have surgery on his hand to repair a few broken bones. My son has health insurance through his employer, a company owned by his grandfather. I called ex to see if he'd split the cost with me, but he says no. The total out of pocket is about $4k, but I just asked him for $500. Turns out, he bought a vacation for he and his on-again/off-again girlfriend after he knew the surgery was happening. In fact, he's partially to blame for DS's injury.
My point being, I get where your family member is coming from, but I live my life as though ex doesn't exist. The kids will figure it out on their own what kind of guy dad is.
|
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on May 4, 2023 18:09:02 GMT
Look, sometimes we are dealing with unreasonable people and we know it, and, while we hate it, we suck it up because we know our kids shouldn't pay the price.
I am sorry for her that her ex is a jerk, but she knew that before she started trying to get him to take responsibility for something he never was going to do.
|
|
amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
|
Post by amom23 on May 4, 2023 18:13:36 GMT
The mom definitely knows what her Ex is all about and should have planned better for child #3. I grew up with divorced parents and a deadbeat dad. If he ever did anything it was nice, but mom never counted on him for anything.
|
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on May 4, 2023 18:21:34 GMT
What i've learned with my ex is to expect nothing, so that if he does even the smallest thing, it's a nice surprise. My 21yo had to have surgery on his hand to repair a few broken bones. My son has health insurance through his employer, a company owned by his grandfather. I called ex to see if he'd split the cost with me, but he says no. The total out of pocket is about $4k, but I just asked him for $500. Turns out, he bought a vacation for he and his on-again/off-again girlfriend after he knew the surgery was happening. In fact, he's partially to blame for DS's injury. My point being, I get where your family member is coming from, but I live my life as though ex doesn't exist. The kids will figure it out on their own what kind of guy dad is. This. My child died and my ex offered not a single dollar. He never gave them gifts or spent very much time with them. I would never in a million years have expected him to do a single thing. I think the mom in this situation is nearly as big a jerk as the dad. She knew better and she let her kid down when she didn't allow that for the other kids. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on May 4, 2023 18:40:38 GMT
I’ll focus on what mom CAN do now…
Other kids will have extra announcements. Have mom call around to friends and she can also contact the school. When my kids graduated, we could turn extra announcements in to the office.
Also, we used Walgreens for the kids’ open house invitations. But you create your own text and they can say anything you want. So that’s another option and if you print them in store you can get them same or next day.
Party stuff is readily available.
I do find it odd that mom is contacting people for cards. Surely she would have been talking about her son graduating around her friends and family? If she’s a friend, I’d check in with her. She sounds like she’s dropping some basic parenting and may be depressed.
|
|
|
|
Post by summer on May 4, 2023 18:41:38 GMT
She knew her ex wasn’t going to plan a graduation party based on his past lack of involvement. The fact that she is scrambling now is 100% on her. It sucks that her ex is a dead beat but her kids will see that on their own. It sounds like what she is putting together will be appreciated by her youngest.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
|
Post by MorningPerson on May 4, 2023 18:42:48 GMT
I feel bad for kid #3. He should not have been put in the middle of an ugly situation that should have been an event to celebrate.
Also, I’m 0% shocked that ex is a Trumper.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 18:53:44 GMT
My point being, I get where your family member is coming from, but I live my life as though ex doesn't exist. The kids will figure it out on their own what kind of guy dad is. She is there..living like he doesn't exist! I think this incident will be the last of his shenignanas.. since the kids are older there isn't anything they need to discuss. |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 18:55:56 GMT
TI think the mom in this situation is nearly as big a jerk as the dad. Sorry.. I think that is harsh.. but that is my opinion. She has done good by her kids... he SHOULD have done something and maybe she should have picked up the slack but time and time again she gets railroaded and then gets the blame. Is that her being a jerk? |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 18:57:22 GMT
I’ll focus on what mom CAN do now… Other kids will have extra announcements. Have mom call around to friends and she can also contact the school. When my kids graduated, we could turn extra announcements in to the office. Also, we used Walgreens for the kids’ open house invitations. But you create your own text and they can say anything you want. So that’s another option and if you print them in store you can get them same or next day. Party stuff is readily available. I do find it odd that mom is contacting people for cards. Surely she would have been talking about her son graduating around her friends and family? If she’s a friend, I’d check in with her. She sounds like she’s dropping some basic parenting and may be depressed. I think she is doing all that now.. She is just calling a few close close family members. Siblings and grandparents.. cause time is so short now. |
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on May 4, 2023 19:00:32 GMT
Is that her being a jerk. It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what the kid thinks. And I can tell you, as a person who raised their kids without having their father, when a dad is absent, they cling even harder to their mother. Their expectation of their mom can often be unreasonable. They can push and pull and say and do whatever, but they expect their mom to be there for them. Because they know, dad isn't. So knowing this, knowing what a child who has basically been abandoned by their father goes through, fair or not, it was on her. Now, if she hadn't done it for the other two, then I wouldn't have said that, but she did. She abdicated responsibility for something she set the precedent on. And I'm telling you, the child is the one who is going to think less of her. |
|
Gennifer
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,004
|
Post by Gennifer on May 4, 2023 19:06:02 GMT
Mom set the precedent by how she handled the first two kids’ graduations. This is 100% on her, and guaranteed to make the last child feel unloved and unimportant.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 19:08:09 GMT
Is that her being a jerk. It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what the kid thinks. And I can tell you, as a person who raised their kids without having their father, when a dad is absent, they cling even harder to their mother. Their expectation of their mom can often be unreasonable. They can push and pull and say and do whatever, but they expect their mom to be there for them. Because they know, dad isn't. So knowing this, knowing what a child who has basically been abandoned by their father goes through, fair or not, it was on her. Now, if she hadn't done it for the other two, then I wouldn't have said that, but she did. She abdicated responsibility for something she set the precedent on. And I'm telling you, the child is the one who is going to think less of her. That is what you said and I am responding to that. He isn't going to think less of her cause she has been the parent there for him. He probably doesn't even care about the whole graduation thing. I know the kid. She has done more for those kids than the dad has ever dreamed of. Aside from the vehicles he has done crap. She is the one that had done all the doctor appointments, sports, dentist (he has specialists for his teeth), and so forth. So she tried to stand up for herself and tried to make the dad get involved. It backfired. But yet she is getting the blame? Guess I looked at this all wrong.  |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 19:08:59 GMT
Wow.. I guess she is the bad person.. didn't see that coming. I missed the mark on that... |
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on May 4, 2023 19:10:01 GMT
TI think the mom in this situation is nearly as big a jerk as the dad. Sorry.. I think that is harsh.. but that is my opinion. She has done good by her kids... he SHOULD have done something and maybe she should have picked up the slack but time and time again she gets railroaded and then gets the blame. Is that her being a jerk? Yes. She knew good and well her ex wasn’t going to do anything or pay for anything and she let her kid be the victim of it instead of just doing it herself from the start like she should have. Ex is a jerk, but you don’t make your kid suffer for it. You just take care of business anyway. Regardless of the situation with ex, not doing for kid 3 what you did for kid 1 and kid 2 is an absolute asshole move that I guarantee kid 3 will remember forever. |
|
|
|
Post by Susie_Homemaker on May 4, 2023 19:12:24 GMT
he SHOULD have done something That was her mistake. She had WISHFUL thinking because she thought it SHOULD be done. We can't live life by "shoulds". That's a fast way to anger and disappointment. It sounds like she's pulling it together for him now. I hope he has a great graduation! |
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on May 4, 2023 19:13:01 GMT
It doesn't matter what I think, it matters what the kid thinks. And I can tell you, as a person who raised their kids without having their father, when a dad is absent, they cling even harder to their mother. Their expectation of their mom can often be unreasonable. They can push and pull and say and do whatever, but they expect their mom to be there for them. Because they know, dad isn't. So knowing this, knowing what a child who has basically been abandoned by their father goes through, fair or not, it was on her. Now, if she hadn't done it for the other two, then I wouldn't have said that, but she did. She abdicated responsibility for something she set the precedent on. And I'm telling you, the child is the one who is going to think less of her. That is what you said and I am responding to that. He isn't going to think less of her cause she has been the parent there for him. He probably doesn't even care about the whole graduation thing. I know the kid. She has done more for those kids than the dad has ever dreamed of. Aside from the vehicles he has done crap. She is the one that had done all the doctor appointments, sports, dentist (he has specialists for his teeth), and so forth. So she tried to stand up for herself and tried to make the dad get involved. It backfired. But yet she is getting the blame? Guess I looked at this all wrong. You are the one who shared this story and now you're upset that other people disagree with your position? Absent all the sympathy details you added, objectively looking at this particular situation, both parents abdicated their responsibility. That is jerky. Now you're saying the kid doesn't care? So why did the mom even try to get the dad to do it at all if the kid doesn't care? And it takes a lot of maturity to get to a place where you recognize your abandonment issues. Teenagers are not there. These types of things are very black and white to them. But I guess experience counts for nothing. If this was a PVM, you should have said that. |
|
|
|
Post by workingclassdog on May 4, 2023 19:15:59 GMT
It's all good girls.. I am not upset...
|
|
|
|
Post by busy on May 4, 2023 19:21:57 GMT
I think this is on her. You can't make someone else change and he sounds like he hasn't prioritized his kids in years. Just saying she isn't going to cover them and letting it go at that isn't enough. She'd need to very specifically get him to agree in writing to taking on these expenses and follow through with him throughout the year to ensure he was taking the needed steps to have a prayer of that happening... this was going to happen and probably everyone who knows him could have predicted it.
Is that right or fair? Of course not. But it's still reality and she can't be surprised it played out this way. She chose to gamble with her kid's feelings on an important occasion to, I guess, prove a point about her ex? Not the choice I would make.
And I really don't get what child support and spousal support ending in the future has to do with her being able to cover her kid's expenses now. '
I sound harsh, I'm sure. But I think she made a series of bad choices and her kid is paying the price. She knew better than to think her ex was going to do the right thing.
|
|
The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,175
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
|
Post by The Birdhouse Lady on May 4, 2023 19:23:18 GMT
I am not going to bag on the mom.
I hope the party she is pulling together works out and is nice for her son.
I think the mom probably already knows that the graduation for their son was a bad choice in trying to MAKE her ex do anything.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,618
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on May 4, 2023 20:00:26 GMT
Wow.. I guess she is the bad person.. didn't see that coming. I missed the mark on that... I don't think anyone is saying she's a bad person. But she fucked this up. Why would she expect this guy to miraculously change and do a party and announcements etc... for the 3rd kid? Because she said so? She knows this guy - it's kind of strange, actually, that she would think this. Is she okay? |
|
|
|
Post by littlemama on May 4, 2023 20:06:40 GMT
Mom knew he wasnt going to do anything when she made her "announcement" which probably made her kid feel like shit. What she should have done was have a civil conversation with the dad months ago so she would be prepared for him not to do anything.
That being said, Dad is a dick.
|
|
kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,517
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
|
Post by kate on May 4, 2023 20:21:22 GMT
I hope the last-minute party turns out to be tons of fun, and that it makes very happy memories for kid #3.
|
|
|
|
Post by silverlining on May 4, 2023 20:33:41 GMT
Wow.. I guess she is the bad person.. didn't see that coming. I missed the mark on that... Sometimes it's not so black and white! He's clearly a bad dad. Your family member has known that for years and you have known that for years. But, she decided that she could make an announcement and somehow this deadbeat dad would do what she wanted him to do??? She knows that he hasn't done anything for the older kids, and she knows that he has zero motivation to do something because his ex-wife demanded it. She made a poor choice that created unnecessary drama at what should be an exciting time. She put her own need to be right over her kid's need for a happy conflict-free celebration of his accomplishment. There will be so many more celebrations to come. I hope she can pull it together to help make their college graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, holidays, etc. peaceful positive experiences for her family. |
|
