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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 9, 2023 14:22:51 GMT
My MIL recently told me that she is coming for DS's graduation party on July 8. She will be here on the 5th-10th. However, she wants it to be a secret from the rest of the family. I get the desire for the element of surprise, but I also wonder how much added stress this will be for me. I also think that knowing she is coming could be exciting for everyone as well. I would need to pick her up from the airport (about an hour and a half away each way) and get DS to have his room ready for her without telling him that he will be losing his bed for those days. When family comes to visit they usually do stay with us and we make it work, so that isn't all that new. It's just the surprise element that might be tricky. My mom, stepdad, stepmom and other siblings who are coming for the party are staying in a hotel or Airbnb so at least there aren't other people that we need to work around with sleeping arrangements.
So, I am wondering how others would feel about this. Would you try to discourage her from keeping it a secret? Or go with it and it's not that big of a deal?
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Post by guzismom on Jun 9, 2023 14:27:05 GMT
I'd tell her that I'd try my best to keep her secret but that I was making no promises...
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Post by disneypal on Jun 9, 2023 14:33:53 GMT
Or go with it and it's not that big of a deal? This - if she wants it to be a surprise, I'd go with it, in this case anyway. |
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Jun 9, 2023 14:33:59 GMT
I don't see how you can keep it a secret without a big hassle, unless you tell your whole family you want your entire house clean, including bedrooms, for your family's visit.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 9, 2023 14:53:11 GMT
I don't think it's a big deal. My MIL surprised my daughter by showing up for one of her events, and she enjoyed the surprise. With a bunch of family coming into town, mine wouldn't think twice about me telling them to make sure their rooms are clean.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Jun 9, 2023 14:53:46 GMT
i wouldn't appreciate the fact that i was losing my bed/room for a week being kept from me, especially around my special event where i might need my room to go decompress and relax.  So I would bring DS into the secret. |
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sweetpeasmom
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jun 9, 2023 15:02:10 GMT
At what point does she want it revealed? At the party on the 8th or when she arrives on the 5th? It might be hard to keep it a secret for an additional 3 days. I would imagine it would be hard to keep it a secret for an additional 3 days while your family is coming in.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 9, 2023 15:15:40 GMT
I’m not a fan of surprises in general, especially something major that affects / involves multiple people. I really wouldn’t like it sprung on me suddenly that I’m going to lose my bed/bedroom for a week. I also really don’t like keeping things from my family that will impact them.
Is the kid who’s losing their bedroom the one that’s graduating? If not, I would ask grandma if it would be okay to tell that one kid the secret ahead of time so they aren’t caught off guard and so they know why they need to get their room cleaned up and ready. I think if you could do that one thing it would lessen your stress just a little bit.
I’m assuming your DH knows? I would never agree to keep any kind of secret from my DH.
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seaexplore
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jun 9, 2023 15:22:27 GMT
i wouldn't appreciate the fact that i was losing my bed/room for a week being kept from me, especially around my special event where i might need my room to go decompress and relax. So I would bring DS into the secret. Yes 100% |
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 9, 2023 15:32:42 GMT
Nope, don't agree to keep it a surprise. That is way too much extra work for you.
My BIL wanted to do that recently and I said no.
Just gently explain the logistics don't work for a secret if she wants to stay with you.
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Post by Linda on Jun 9, 2023 15:34:23 GMT
nope - if she wants it to be a surprise, then she needs to arrange her own transportation and hotel
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dawnnikol
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Sept 21, 2015 18:39:25 GMT
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Post by dawnnikol on Jun 9, 2023 15:43:46 GMT
I’m not a fan of surprises in general, especially something major that affects / involves multiple people. I really wouldn’t like it sprung on me suddenly that I’m going to lose my bed/bedroom for a week. I also really don’t like keeping things from my family that will impact them. Is the kid who’s losing their bedroom the one that’s graduating? If not, I would ask grandma if it would be okay to tell that one kid the secret ahead of time so they aren’t caught off guard and so they know why they need to get their room cleaned up and ready. I think if you could do that one thing it would lessen your stress just a little bit. I’m assuming your DH knows? I would never agree to keep any kind of secret from my DH. All of this. I hate surprises for the most part though. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 9, 2023 15:48:03 GMT
Since your son has to give up his room for her visit I would tell him and ask him to act surprised when she arrives.
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Post by trixiecat on Jun 9, 2023 15:53:04 GMT
I first want to say I think it is great that your mother-in-law cares enough to want to do this. I think I would talk to her and be honest. Tell her you have a lot to prepare and also it doesn't seem fair your son who is graduating should have to give up his room during this special time. Maybe you could offer to split the cost of a hotel room for her if she can't afford one on her own.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jun 9, 2023 15:54:41 GMT
nope - if she wants it to be a surprise, then she needs to arrange her own transportation and hotel ^^^^ This^^^^ |
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Post by busy on Jun 9, 2023 16:00:30 GMT
I’d arrange for other transportation - no way would I have three hours to do an airport run - but other than that, seems doable. Doesn’t everyone make sure the whole house is clean when hosting an event?
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Jun 9, 2023 16:11:32 GMT
If it involves cleaning the house for something, my family's first question is "Who's coming over?" LOLOLOL!!! So, no, I wouldn't be able to keep the surprise.
I agree with the others that it's not the right time for a "surprise" visit. Especially since someone has to give up their room.
And since this is such a big occasion, I would think the family may assume she is visiting anyway.
FUNNY STORY:
Mary (DD1) is in college and lives about 3 hours away and planned to come home one weekend.
Sally (DD2) plays high school soccer and had a game on a Friday evening about halfway to where Mary lives for college.
Here's where the story gets FUN!
- 1st surprise - MIL wanted to ride with us to surprise Sally at her game.
- We planned to have dinner after the game.
- 2nd surprise - I wanted to surprise MIL that Mary would be joining us for dinner.
- I thought I knew ALL of the secrets for the day.
- 3rd Surprise - Mary surprised me and Sally by getting to the game by halftime!
- 4th Surprise - DH was surprised by it all because he had no clue except Sally had a soccer game. LOLOL!
Congrats to your DS!
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Post by mom on Jun 9, 2023 16:25:47 GMT
I don't see the big deal, really. In my home, my boys would know that if a big event (like graduation) is coming up, then they know they are expected to have their rooms clean and help get the house ready. Even if they don't suspect someone staying with us.
Is getting her from the airport a pain? Yeah. But I would do it. She is showing she cares enough for your child to fly out, then I can be inconvenienced by going to get her at the airport.
Simply put, it's not worth it to me to potentially have hurt feelings and drama over.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 9, 2023 16:30:36 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. It would be one thing if she were just swooping in on her own, but it sounds like her desire to pop out of the cake may cause logistical hassles. I mean, honestly, in my family, to keep the peace, I'd probably try to do it, because my MIL makes the cost of "no" very high and this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to endure it, but if you are asking for validation about any annoyance, I'm here for it  . |
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Post by ~summer~ on Jun 9, 2023 16:31:43 GMT
I’d be annoyed by it but I’d probably agree.
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SweetieBsMom
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jun 9, 2023 16:45:39 GMT
nope - if she wants it to be a surprise, then she needs to arrange her own transportation and hotel This is what I was thinking. You're already going to have enough going on without this added to your plate. I would tell her, I'll do my best, but can't (and won't) make any promises. |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jun 9, 2023 16:48:30 GMT
and get DS to have his room ready for her without telling him that he will be losing his bed for those days. This shouldn't be a big deal. I'm guessing that everyone knows that the house has to be cleaned for the event and the other family coming to town. I'd hope that your DS would be happy to give up his room for his grandma to stay in. Having her come as a surprise will a great memory for your son and other family members too. I would make it work. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jun 9, 2023 17:16:46 GMT
In general, I am not a fan of having overnight house guests for more than one night (it just cause too much disruption to my sensory levels and routines, and I don't deal well with that....especially if the person is an early riser and expects for me to entertain and engage them at all times).
I would have immediately said "which hotel are you staying at?".
Since you agreed to let her stay in your home.....I would keep the surprise to myself until the day before arrival, then let the kid who is forced to give up his room in on the secret, so he can get the bed linens changed and gather his stuff for the last minute relocate.
I'd probably let your Husband in on the secret as well.
I vaguely recall correctly from past posts of yours....is she difficult to deal with or have unreasonable expectations in regards to Husband, your kids, you? I recall some back story/stories??
Whomever is in on the surprise can act surprised, and Grandma is oblivious about it.
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Post by lurker on Jun 9, 2023 17:26:04 GMT
This is your husband's mother? Why isn't he the one picking her up?
My apologies if the husband has passed or is no longer around.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 9, 2023 18:38:40 GMT
I’m not a fan of surprises in general, especially something major that affects / involves multiple people. I really wouldn’t like it sprung on me suddenly that I’m going to lose my bed/bedroom for a week. I also really don’t like keeping things from my family that will impact them. Is the kid who’s losing their bedroom the one that’s graduating? If not, I would ask grandma if it would be okay to tell that one kid the secret ahead of time so they aren’t caught off guard and so they know why they need to get their room cleaned up and ready. I think if you could do that one thing it would lessen your stress just a little bit. I’m assuming your DH knows? I would never agree to keep any kind of secret from my DH. No, DH doesn’t know. I think the surprise would happen when we got back from the airport. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jun 9, 2023 18:42:07 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. It would be one thing if she were just swooping in on her own, but it sounds like her desire to pop out of the cake may cause logistical hassles. I mean, honestly, in my family, to keep the peace, I'd probably try to do it, because my MIL makes the cost of "no" very high and this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to endure it, but if you are asking for validation about any annoyance, I'm here for it . She tends to do that (make herself the center of attention). It’s been 20+ years but at her moms 75th birthday party (can’t remember if she was the host or all of her siblings as well) she turned it into a surprise wedding for herself and her now husband. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 9, 2023 18:45:56 GMT
Nope, no surprise. I’d tell MIL that I’d try to keep the secret, but DH and the kid giving up the bedroom needs to know. DH would be the one doing the airport run and I don’t keep secrets from him. You could try telling him that he’s making an airport run without telling him who he’s picking up, but DH would never let that happen anyway. And it’s only fair that the kid giving up his bedroom knows that that is happening.
As I recall, this MIL has a lot of expectations and your DH’s relationship with her isn’t the warm and cuddly type. You aren’t going to fix that after 45ish years—don’t make yourself crazy trying to do that. Maybe let the younger kids be surprised or let her walk into a family dinner and let the extended family be surprised. She will get that attention for a few minutes and then life will move on.
Congratulations on #2 graduating!
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 9, 2023 18:46:58 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. It would be one thing if she were just swooping in on her own, but it sounds like her desire to pop out of the cake may cause logistical hassles. I mean, honestly, in my family, to keep the peace, I'd probably try to do it, because my MIL makes the cost of "no" very high and this wouldn't be a big enough deal for me to endure it, but if you are asking for validation about any annoyance, I'm here for it  . She tends to do that (make herself the center of attention). It’s been 20+ years but at her moms 75th birthday party (can’t remember if she was the host or all of her siblings as well) she turned it into a surprise wedding for herself and her now husband.  |
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Post by Gem Girl on Jun 9, 2023 19:05:34 GMT
Wow, ain't she a peach. Some people are very lucky that you're a kind-hearted good sport.
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Post by manda on Jun 9, 2023 19:25:22 GMT
Meh, I don't know your MIL but that strikes me as her trying to main character someone else's milestone and I don't like it. This is exactly what I was thinking. It screams “look at me, look at me.” |
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So I would bring DS into the secret.
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