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POA
Jun 20, 2023 3:44:24 GMT
Post by aljack on Jun 20, 2023 3:44:24 GMT
Bringing it to the peas as you set me straight. I went to see my parents and my mother told me she has decided to ask my father to change the POA from my sister to my brother because he is less emotional and believes he will be rational and fair with carrying out the duties. I said ok as it is their decision to make. She asked me not to tell my sister. She’s the oldest and honestly, she is not going to take this well. She lives the closest (10 miles away) and has been helping them a lot. I live 400 miles away. Brother lives 40 miles away for perspective. She is aware of their health issues, knows their doctors, medications, has account info, computer passwords, etc. as she has been assisting when they allow her to. The more it sank in, I started to feel anxious because I know my sister is going to be very hurt. My brother calls but he’s not very hands on like my sister. Should I share my concern or am I overstepping?
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 4,750
Jun 19, 2022 16:48:04 GMT
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 3:49:32 GMT
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Post by pantsonfire on Jun 20, 2023 3:49:32 GMT
I would let her know and then call a sibling meeting over zoom.
My brother is the POA but I am the closest, have extensive medical knowledge, and have been a support person for medical needs. It has never been an issue and we siblings know unless others can't be reached, we will talk things over to be on the same page for certain things.
I say to have a meeting that way everyone is on the same page and your brother knows to male sure he talked to her when things arise.
I know many siblings groups where oldest is POA but another is care taker and it has never been an issue.
Hopefully she handles it well.
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Post by busy on Jun 20, 2023 3:49:46 GMT
It’s not about being hurt. It’s about who will best be able to make the decisions that reflect their desires.
Don’t share your thoughts. It’s not fair your parents brought you into it, but don’t get further involved.
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Post by MichyM on Jun 20, 2023 3:52:32 GMT
I would stay out of it. And if/when the sh!t hits the fan, my mantra would be “it is/was their decision to make” whether to tell sister. Because it is.
And I’d distance myself from any resulting fray.
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Post by lucyg on Jun 20, 2023 4:01:59 GMT
My youngest sister (of four kids) is my mom’s POA. It makes total sense because (1) she’s the only one of us with any kind of good sense and (2) she’s a lawyer. No one else minds. (Three of us live within 20 minutes of mom in California. The other sister lives on the East Coast.) I too think you should stay out of it, but I think your parents do need to warn your sister if she’s going to be expecting to have their POA. Although on the other hand, if she doesn’t have a signed form in her hands, I’d wonder why she might think it’s her job anyway. Who is the executor of their will? Who is the back-up? Do they have a trust set up? Are they just starting to think about all this stuff? ETA I just noticed that your sister does currently have their POA. So please ignore my other nosy questions. But they would definitely need to TALK to her about it.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 4:03:14 GMT
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Post by cecilia on Jun 20, 2023 4:03:14 GMT
I would stay out of it. And if/when the sh!t hits the fan, my mantra would be “it is/was their decision to make” whether to tell sister. Because it is. And I’d distance myself from any resulting fray. This. My Grandma/nanny (aka Mom's Mom) made my Aunt Kathy POA. When my Nanny went into hospice, we got her dog, Zoey. And then after she died, my Aunt Kathy got everything. We didn't even get photos. Now that Aunt Kathy has died, we ended up with a bunch of photos with no info and documents we don't want. I think there were hard feelings between Aunt Kathy and other siblings because they wanted to make decisions together and Aunt Kathy made them on her own. She was the baby. But then again, Aunt Kathy was the one who took care of my Nanny everyday for about 12 years.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 20, 2023 4:11:58 GMT
I think they’re making a huge mistake. Since your sister is the one who has been actively handling everything so far and has all the systems in place (and I would assume running smoothly), they would be foolish to change their POA now. If they switch it to your brother, is HE going to start taking them to the doctor and dentist, picking up their prescriptions and making sure they are taking them correctly, handling all of their bank and financial accounts, making sure all their bills get paid on time, etc.?
If he’s not helping out much now what makes them think he will change (and he will HAVE to change, because doctors and banks won’t just continue to share their information with your sister anymore if she doesn’t have POA anymore).
Have you asked them specifically why they want to make this major change? Do they feel that the job is more than your sister can handle alone? If so, maybe the better option would be to give both of them POA and split up some of the duties so that your brother can handle the things that can be done from a distance (managing bills, balancing accounts, transferring money, etc.) and continue to have your sister do the more hands on things like taking them to the doctor, dealing with medications, helping them with household upkeep, etc. especially since she lives closer. There are different versions of POA that can be applied to different activities.
I would be afraid that things will slip through the cracks if they change it to your brother and he isn’t willing to step up to the same degree that your sister already has.
ETA: I would encourage your parents to hold a whole family meeting to discuss these things. I would explain that it isn’t fair to your sister to make major changes (since she has already done so much) without everyone being on the same page, and especially since they have already talked to you and your brother. I wonder if they want to make this change because your sister is noticing that they are declining and she has to be the heavy making them do things that are necessary but that they just don’t like, so they think if brother is in charge he won’t make them do things they don’t want to do.
For example, when my mom’s Alzheimer’s was getting worse she didn’t want to bathe, brush her teeth or wash her hair. She NEEDED to bathe and wash her hair and brush her teeth but she didn’t WANT to do those things. She would get really crabby with us (especially my brother who lived with her) when we would insist that she needed to take care of her personal hygiene. That was one of the major reasons why she ended up needing to go to a nursing home, because she lived with my brother who wasn’t comfortable helping her with that stuff and I lived further away and had an infant at the time and wasn’t able to come over at the drop of a hat when she needed it.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,017
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 4:49:54 GMT
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kluski likes this
Post by mimima on Jun 20, 2023 4:49:54 GMT
Well, is your dad on board with the idea? I would definitely be hurt if my parents were to change midstream on this decision. Having said that, not your job to broker the discussion
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Post by Basket1lady on Jun 20, 2023 5:04:50 GMT
Why not have both be the POA? (I’m assuming you mean a Durable Power of Attorney, meant for while they are still living.) Both DH and his sister are for their parents. It’s helpful for one has time but the other does not. They do keep each other in the loop if a decision needs to be made. Also, DH takes care of the money side and MIL’s medical decisions (she’s in memory care) and SIL takes care of FIL’s doctor visits.
Same with executors for the wills. They will share the job and so will my brother and I. It’s a huge job and as long as the siblings get along, it will work.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,760
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jun 20, 2023 6:20:41 GMT
So this is just your mum's idea atm, your Dad isn't aware yet? Sounds like Mum has taken exception to something and this is her solution.
Honestly, I'd talk to your Dad, your sister deserves to put in the picture, anything less is a slap in the face for all the care and attention she has given them.
They are perfectly within their rights to change their POA but at least be grown up about it and do it face to face.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 9:59:48 GMT
Post by disneypal on Jun 20, 2023 9:59:48 GMT
I think it is fine to tell your parents your concern about how your sister would feel about this and perhaps encourage them to let her know about the change.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 20, 2023 11:32:20 GMT
I think they’re making a huge mistake. Since your sister is the one who has been actively handling everything so far and has all the systems in place (and I would assume running smoothly), they would be foolish to change their POA now. If they switch it to your brother, is HE going to start taking them to the doctor and dentist, picking up their prescriptions and making sure they are taking them correctly, handling all of their bank and financial accounts, making sure all their bills get paid on time, etc.? If he’s not helping out much now what makes them think he will change (and he will HAVE to change, because doctors and banks won’t just continue to share their information with your sister anymore if she doesn’t have POA anymore). Have you asked them specifically why they want to make this major change? Do they feel that the job is more than your sister can handle alone? If so, maybe the better option would be to give both of them POA and split up some of the duties so that your brother can handle the things that can be done from a distance (managing bills, balancing accounts, transferring money, etc.) and continue to have your sister do the more hands on things like taking them to the doctor, dealing with medications, helping them with household upkeep, etc. especially since she lives closer. There are different versions of POA that can be applied to different activities. I would be afraid that things will slip through the cracks if they change it to your brother and he isn’t willing to step up to the same degree that your sister already has. ETA: I would encourage your parents to hold a whole family meeting to discuss these things. I would explain that it isn’t fair to your sister to make major changes (since she has already done so much) without everyone being on the same page, and especially since they have already talked to you and your brother. I wonder if they want to make this change because your sister is noticing that they are declining and she has to be the heavy making them do things that are necessary but that they just don’t like, so they think if brother is in charge he won’t make them do things they don’t want to do. For example, when my mom’s Alzheimer’s was getting worse she didn’t want to bathe, brush her teeth or wash her hair. She NEEDED to bathe and wash her hair and brush her teeth but she didn’t WANT to do those things. She would get really crabby with us (especially my brother who lived with her) when we would insist that she needed to take care of her personal hygiene. That was one of the major reasons why she ended up needing to go to a nursing home, because she lived with my brother who wasn’t comfortable helping her with that stuff and I lived further away and had an infant at the time and wasn’t able to come over at the drop of a hat when she needed it. I think they'd be making a mistake here too. I'd have a conversation with your parents and get more details on why they feel they'd like to do this. I get that brother may be less emotional, but unless he's going to become available. Basically your sister is still going to be doing the work without the power she needs to make decisions when necessary. Maybe they'd want brother as executor of their will, as a less emotional party? As far as poa goes...I have one sibling who I do not care for much at all. IF my parents are in a place where there are big decisions to make, her opinion and help would be very much appreciated. The day to day stuff falls on me and I have poa because i'm the one around to help.
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Post by worrywart on Jun 20, 2023 12:33:19 GMT
My brother calls but he’s not very hands on like my sister. Is the she executor also? I just think that even if they name brother as POA, sister will probably end up doing a lot as she is closer and more involved. If it was me, I would try to talk parents out of changing it because if something happens sister will be the one having to go through brother and it will add an extra step to get anything done. I argue for saying something to your parents as this could cause extra work for your sister or you at some point. Hopefully your dad will set your mom straight. Also, I wouldn't be keeping that secret from sister and I think it is unreasonable for your mom to ask that from you. That could come between your relationship. This is a family decision which involves ALL of you in some way.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 12:36:40 GMT
Post by nlwilkins on Jun 20, 2023 12:36:40 GMT
Why does your mother feel there needs to be a POA assigned? What kind of duties do they expect the person with the POA to do? Daily life can go on without having this assigned. POA's give someone the authority to sign legal documents in lieu of your parents. Consent to treat and DNR's comes to mind when thinking of these things. DNR's can be signed now instead of waiting. My husband signed his four years ago when he recieved his cancer diagnosis. If your mother is concerned that someone needs to be able to help them in their daily lives, then that generally does not require a POA. Papers that need to be signed can be brought to the house or parents can be driven to where the papers are located. Selling vehicles, properties, and signing a living will all can be done in the home nowdays. If they are at the stage where end of life issues are coming up, there are Pallative care and Hospice doctors and staff that can assist them in getting these in order.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 12:52:44 GMT
mom likes this
Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 20, 2023 12:52:44 GMT
Which type of POA? Lots of people are assuming general durable and your parents need that (ie help with finances etc) but you mention being rational and less emotional which makes me suspect we're only talking about medical POA. I think that many people choose very different people for medical POA and end of life decisions - at least in my family. We've unfortunately seen too many very difficult decisions, and I'm medical POA for a few aunts as they know their daughters won't be able to carry through with their wishes. It may become more complicated if they need a POA for other more day to day items - but right now they're primarily concerned that their daughter(s) won't be forced to make an end of life decision.
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Post by mikklynn on Jun 20, 2023 12:55:58 GMT
nlwilkins You can have a POA designated for if one or both parents become incompacitated. I have one, but it's not valid for my representative to use, as I am able to make my own decisions. It really should be executed before it's necessary. I am scrambling right now because my dad broke his hip and is in rehab. He has Parkinsons and really shouldn't ever go back home. My mom has significant short term memory loss.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,421
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Jun 20, 2023 12:59:38 GMT
Why does your mother feel there needs to be a POA assigned? What kind of duties do they expect the person with the POA to do? Daily life can go on without having this assigned. POA's give someone the authority to sign legal documents in lieu of your parents. Consent to treat and DNR's comes to mind when thinking of these things. DNR's can be signed now instead of waiting. My husband signed his four years ago when he recieved his cancer diagnosis. If your mother is concerned that someone needs to be able to help them in their daily lives, then that generally does not require a POA. Papers that need to be signed can be brought to the house or parents can be driven to where the papers are located. Selling vehicles, properties, and signing a living will all can be done in the home nowdays. If they are at the stage where end of life issues are coming up, there are Pallative care and Hospice doctors and staff that can assist them in getting these in order. So here's the thing though - if you don't have a POA done, and then things go to crap, you are scrambling at the time you need that POA. The POA doesn't mean they instantly take over - it is there "in case" things go wrong. We are dealing with that now with the inlaws - thankfully they did a will and POA a few years ago. It has been filed away and it took us half an hour to find it last night so DH could read it. He and his sister jointly have POA. Here in Canada you need both the will & POA for things to go smoothly in the event of a death.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 13:22:59 GMT
Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 20, 2023 13:22:59 GMT
Why does your mother feel there needs to be a POA assigned? What kind of duties do they expect the person with the POA to do? Daily life can go on without having this assigned. POA's give someone the authority to sign legal documents in lieu of your parents. Consent to treat and DNR's comes to mind when thinking of these things. DNR's can be signed now instead of waiting. My husband signed his four years ago when he recieved his cancer diagnosis. If your mother is concerned that someone needs to be able to help them in their daily lives, then that generally does not require a POA. Papers that need to be signed can be brought to the house or parents can be driven to where the papers are located. Selling vehicles, properties, and signing a living will all can be done in the home nowdays. If they are at the stage where end of life issues are coming up, there are Pallative care and Hospice doctors and staff that can assist them in getting these in order. My sister and I both had durable POA for everything for my mom. It makes everything so much easier for all involved. Having that allowed me to be able to transact business on her behalf once it became apparent that she was no longer able to do things for herself. She set it up years before it was actually needed and it was a good thing that she did because her mental decline was so gradual that it took her twin sister dying before we realized just how bad off she was. They lived together and compensated for each other A LOT. Having POA allowed me to go to the bank and straighten out the mess that was her checking account, it allowed me to contact her financial guy and sell off some stocks so I could straighten out her bills and it allowed me to be present when she went to the doctor so he could also tell ME what was going on (and so I could clue him in on what was really going on at home). She would go to the doctor, sugarcoat everything, smile and nod at everything he told her and then would promptly forget what he said by the time she got back home. Now having said all that, POA must be set up when the person still has all their faculties intact. You can’t just go get that set up for someone else after they’ve already lost it which is why it’s imperative that the person who is actually providing the care is also the one who can legally make the decisions when it comes to that. If we wouldn’t have had POA, I believe that to do all the things my mom needed done we would have had to go through the courts and have her declared incompetent which would have taken time and money. FWIW, my DH and I have had durable POA for each other for decades. You just never know what might happen where you may suddenly become incapacitated and unable to act on your own behalf. A friend of ours was in a tragic auto accident and had nothing set up prior to that. He was left paralyzed from the neck down, had to have a tracheotomy and was intubated and couldn’t even speak. Communication was extremely difficult. It was a nightmare for his son to try to get legal authorization to do anything on his dad’s behalf for literally everything. Our friend lived like that for six agonizing months being bounced back and forth between the ICU, the hospital, a rehab place, a group home and eventually hospice. He had gone from being a lively pillar of the community to bedbound in one unexpected catastrophic event.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 20, 2023 15:30:12 GMT
Your parents shouldn't have told you unless they were going to tell everyone. Really, they need to have a family meeting over zoom, if it cannot be in person and explain things to each one of you. Ideally, everyone should be on board and know the plan, but realistically that doesn't often happen. Were I you I would talk to my parents about hosting the meeting and let them know that telling just you puts an unfair burden on your shoulders. Now we see why estate battles really separate families. Your parents are instigating a fight and that's just not right.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 16:16:13 GMT
Post by christine58 on Jun 20, 2023 16:16:13 GMT
Bringing it to the peas as you set me straight. I went to see my parents and my mother told me she has decided to ask my father to change the POA from my sister to my brother because he is less emotional and believes he will be rational and fair with carrying out the duties. I said ok as it is their decision to make. She asked me not to tell my sister. She’s the oldest and honestly, she is not going to take this well. She lives the closest (10 miles away) and has been helping them a lot. I live 400 miles away. Brother lives 40 miles away for perspective. She is aware of their health issues, knows their doctors, medications, has account info, computer passwords, etc. as she has been assisting when they allow her to. The more it sank in, I started to feel anxious because I know my sister is going to be very hurt. My brother calls but he’s not very hands on like my sister. Should I share my concern or am I overstepping? Just remember that your father’s power of attorney to whoever is over when your father passes away. The same with your mother, they both need their own power of attorney.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 16:23:41 GMT
Post by mollycoddle on Jun 20, 2023 16:23:41 GMT
I might tell my parents-okay, I would tell them-that my sister would be very hurt, and I would make sure that both are on board with this change. Would I mention it to my siblings? No, I would not. That is a whole other can of worms, and there is a good chance that it would blow back on you.
And I would also ask them why they think that she is too emotional to carry out their wishes-assuming that you do not know.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 16:58:09 GMT
Post by scrapngranny on Jun 20, 2023 16:58:09 GMT
I would try to have a conversation with your mom and explain to her why changing the POA might not be the best idea, and why. The will should already be written “fair”, according to her wishes, so the POA doesn’t have any decisions to make. We have chosen our older daughter to have our POA only because she has more business experience and patience to deal with all the details.
The sentimental items each person wants I’m working on passing to each person prior to our death, so items are already to whom I feel they should go to and are out of the picture.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,504
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 17:20:02 GMT
Post by MorningPerson on Jun 20, 2023 17:20:02 GMT
I would try to have a conversation with your mom and explain to her why changing the POA might not be the best idea, and why. The will should already be written “fair”, according to her wishes, so the POA doesn’t have any decisions to make. We have chosen our older daughter to have our POA only because she has more business experience and patience to deal with all the details. The sentimental items each person wants I’m working on passing to each person prior to our death, so items are already to whom I feel they should go to and are out of the picture. A POA is only in effect when a person is alive. It immediately becomes useless after the person’s death, and the POA has no control or decision making authority. That falls on the executor of the estate, who may or may not be the same person.
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 21:39:54 GMT
Post by aljack on Jun 20, 2023 21:39:54 GMT
Why does your mother feel there needs to be a POA assigned? What kind of duties do they expect the person with the POA to do? Daily life can go on without having this assigned. POA's give someone the authority to sign legal documents in lieu of your parents. Consent to treat and DNR's comes to mind when thinking of these things. DNR's can be signed now instead of waiting. My husband signed his four years ago when he recieved his cancer diagnosis. If your mother is concerned that someone needs to be able to help them in their daily lives, then that generally does not require a POA. Papers that need to be signed can be brought to the house or parents can be driven to where the papers are located. Selling vehicles, properties, and signing a living will all can be done in the home nowdays. If they are at the stage where end of life issues are coming up, there are Pallative care and Hospice doctors and staff that can assist them in getting these in order. My sister and I both had durable POA for everything for my mom. It makes everything so much easier for all involved. Having that allowed me to be able to transact business on her behalf once it became apparent that she was no longer able to do things for herself. She set it up years before it was actually needed and it was a good thing that she did because her mental decline was so gradual that it took her twin sister dying before we realized just how bad off she was. They lived together and compensated for each other A LOT. Having POA allowed me to go to the bank and straighten out the mess that was her checking account, it allowed me to contact her financial guy and sell off some stocks so I could straighten out her bills and it allowed me to be present when she went to the doctor so he could also tell ME what was going on (and so I could clue him in on what was really going on at home). She would go to the doctor, sugarcoat everything, smile and nod at everything he told her and then would promptly forget what he said by the time she got back home. Now having said all that, POA must be set up when the person still has all their faculties intact. You can’t just go get that set up for someone else after they’ve already lost it which is why it’s imperative that the person who is actually providing the care is also the one who can legally make the decisions when it comes to that. If we wouldn’t have had POA, I believe that to do all the things my mom needed done we would have had to go through the courts and have her declared incompetent which would have taken time and money. FWIW, my DH and I have had durable POA for each other for decades. You just never know what might happen where you may suddenly become incapacitated and unable to act on your own behalf. A friend of ours was in a tragic auto accident and had nothing set up prior to that. He was left paralyzed from the neck down, had to have a tracheotomy and was intubated and couldn’t even speak. Communication was extremely difficult. It was a nightmare for his son to try to get legal authorization to do anything on his dad’s behalf for literally everything. Our friend lived like that for six agonizing months being bounced back and forth between the ICU, the hospital, a rehab place, a group home and eventually hospice. He had gone from being a lively pillar of the community to bedbound in one unexpected catastrophic event. I think it would be wise to have both of them as you have with your sister for your Mom. I appreciate your feedback!
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POA
Jun 20, 2023 21:42:03 GMT
Post by aljack on Jun 20, 2023 21:42:03 GMT
I think they’re making a huge mistake. Since your sister is the one who has been actively handling everything so far and has all the systems in place (and I would assume running smoothly), they would be foolish to change their POA now. If they switch it to your brother, is HE going to start taking them to the doctor and dentist, picking up their prescriptions and making sure they are taking them correctly, handling all of their bank and financial accounts, making sure all their bills get paid on time, etc.? If he’s not helping out much now what makes them think he will change (and he will HAVE to change, because doctors and banks won’t just continue to share their information with your sister anymore if she doesn’t have POA anymore). Have you asked them specifically why they want to make this major change? Do they feel that the job is more than your sister can handle alone? If so, maybe the better option would be to give both of them POA and split up some of the duties so that your brother can handle the things that can be done from a distance (managing bills, balancing accounts, transferring money, etc.) and continue to have your sister do the more hands on things like taking them to the doctor, dealing with medications, helping them with household upkeep, etc. especially since she lives closer. There are different versions of POA that can be applied to different activities. This is my concern ETA: I would encourage your parents to hold a whole family meeting to discuss these things. I would explain that it isn’t fair to your sister to make major changes (since she has already done so much) without everyone being on the same page, and especially since they have already talked to you and your brother. I wonder if they want to make this change because your sister is noticing that they are declining and she has to be the heavy making them do things that are necessary but that they just don’t like, so they think if brother is in charge he won’t make them do things they don’t want to do. For example, when my mom’s Alzheimer’s was getting worse she didn’t want to bathe, brush her teeth or wash her hair. She NEEDED to bathe and wash her hair and brush her teeth but she didn’t WANT to do those things. She would get really crabby with us (especially my brother who lived with her) when we would insist that she needed to take care of her personal hygiene. That was one of the major reasons why she ended up needing to go to a nursing home, because she lived with my brother who wasn’t comfortable helping her with that stuff and I lived further away and had an infant at the time and wasn’t able to come over at the drop of a hat when she needed it.
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POA
Jun 21, 2023 2:52:16 GMT
Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 21, 2023 2:52:16 GMT
My sister and I both had durable POA for everything for my mom. It makes everything so much easier for all involved. Having that allowed me to be able to transact business on her behalf once it became apparent that she was no longer able to do things for herself. She set it up years before it was actually needed and it was a good thing that she did because her mental decline was so gradual that it took her twin sister dying before we realized just how bad off she was. They lived together and compensated for each other A LOT. Having POA allowed me to go to the bank and straighten out the mess that was her checking account, it allowed me to contact her financial guy and sell off some stocks so I could straighten out her bills and it allowed me to be present when she went to the doctor so he could also tell ME what was going on (and so I could clue him in on what was really going on at home). She would go to the doctor, sugarcoat everything, smile and nod at everything he told her and then would promptly forget what he said by the time she got back home. Now having said all that, POA must be set up when the person still has all their faculties intact. You can’t just go get that set up for someone else after they’ve already lost it which is why it’s imperative that the person who is actually providing the care is also the one who can legally make the decisions when it comes to that. If we wouldn’t have had POA, I believe that to do all the things my mom needed done we would have had to go through the courts and have her declared incompetent which would have taken time and money. FWIW, my DH and I have had durable POA for each other for decades. You just never know what might happen where you may suddenly become incapacitated and unable to act on your own behalf. A friend of ours was in a tragic auto accident and had nothing set up prior to that. He was left paralyzed from the neck down, had to have a tracheotomy and was intubated and couldn’t even speak. Communication was extremely difficult. It was a nightmare for his son to try to get legal authorization to do anything on his dad’s behalf for literally everything. Our friend lived like that for six agonizing months being bounced back and forth between the ICU, the hospital, a rehab place, a group home and eventually hospice. He had gone from being a lively pillar of the community to bedbound in one unexpected catastrophic event. I think it would be wise to have both of them as you have with your sister for your Mom. I appreciate your feedback! You’re welcome. My mom passed away in 2011. In our situation it was a really good thing that she added me because my sister turned out to be absolutely worthless and basically everything fell on me and my younger brother. He lived with mom and provided daily care for nearly a decade but I was only 15 minutes away if he needed backup. My sister used every excuse imaginable as to why she couldn’t ever come help. If you have any question at all that your brother won’t follow through, I would strongly encourage your parents to keep your sister on and just add your brother if they must instead of replacing your sister. And even though you don’t live close, your family should still keep you 100% in the loop so you know what’s going on. Trust me on this, complete transparency is what keeps everybody honest.
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