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Post by kimpossible on Jul 21, 2023 20:41:00 GMT
...when they need something.
So let me start off by saying I'm not afraid to call someone out when they may try to take advantage of me or my family. This is more subtle but still annoying.
I'm in a profession (HR) where many will call and ask work-related questions, job search questions, resume help, etc. I don't mind and actually like helping when I can because I know how hard it can be when searching for work, or dealing with some idiots at work. But, it annoys the heck out of me that this is (many times) the only time I hear from them and I usually don't get much out of it in return.
How long do you put up with it? I've moved on from "so-called" friends that only reached out when they needed something and I get nothing back, but not so easy with family members. I "jokingly" said something to my sister about 2 of her kids only contacting me when they need something and she didn't take that well. But it's true.
How do you handle situations like this?
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by pilcas on Jul 21, 2023 20:53:06 GMT
I would have no issue calling them out and you did the right thing mentioning it to your sister. She didn’t like it because it doesn’t paint a good picture of her kids but if it’s accurate let her deal with her feelings.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,884
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Jul 21, 2023 21:00:36 GMT
I would call them out. "Hey you can call me just to say hi. You don't always need to wait until you need something."
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jul 21, 2023 21:03:04 GMT
I've learned...takers are going to take. The more I give, the more they take.
I've distanced(or eliminated) the takers, from my life.
I've learned to say a polite no and a firm NO!
In the last ten-eleven years, especially the last three-four years, I've gotten to the "do only what's best for me" phase.
I don't care if someone likes me or not. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and how I live my life.
It's a good place to be. It's been really good for my emotional or mental wellbeing.
Other peoples *need* and other peoples sense of entitlement or urgency, is not my priority.
If I feel like I want to help or give, then I will do so....but I NEVER feel obligated to do so.
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Post by katiekaty on Jul 21, 2023 21:07:19 GMT
My patent answer is “I am sorry, I (we) re just not able to do that at this time.” Works for any and all types of requests. After multiple times everyone starts to get the message.if they get to pushy, as my younger irresponsible brothers, friends that I know go on vacations o and other things while I rarely plan for anything extravagant like that, I respond with “I can’t afford the loss from my income at this time.” That truly shuts people down.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 21, 2023 21:13:47 GMT
My husband has an uncle who we have heard from three times. Once, to tell us how excited his daughter was to be our flower girl and that he already bought her a dress (his daughter was 11, and we already had a flower girl). The other two times he wanted free criminal legal advice (he is very wealthy) for his other kid who was in trouble.
Extraordinary.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 21, 2023 21:16:04 GMT
I guess that it depends upon how close you are to your family. And everyone is different. If you refuse to help your niece/nephew and your sister is angry with you, will it bother you? Personally, I am fairly confrontational when necessary as a general rule. However, my family is small, and I tend to suck it up when it comes to them.
I am close to my brothers, and would not do anything to ruin those relationships. They are also very good to me. If their children or grandchildren need something, I try to accommodate them.
But that’s me. Every situation is different. Think of possible consequences, whether said consequences would bother you, and let that inform your decision.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 21, 2023 21:49:52 GMT
I guess that it depends upon how close you are to your family. And everyone is different. If you refuse to help your niece/nephew and your sister is angry with you, will it bother you? Personally, I am fairly confrontational when necessary as a general rule. However, my family is small, and I tend to suck it up when it comes to them. I am close to my brothers, and would not do anything to ruin those relationships. They are also very good to me. If their children or grandchildren need something, I try to accommodate them. But that’s me. Every situation is different. Think of possible consequences, whether said consequences would bother you, and let that inform your decision. This is pretty much how I approach it. I give some grace to the younger generation who perhaps doesn't have a whole lot to chat with Aunt Darcy about in general. I see them asking for advice as a positive in maintaining a relationship and perhaps it would be different if it happened a ton. Honestly they get the benefit of the effort their parents have put in on maintaining a relationship. My generation and older is different. The random cousin who only contacts me for something gets the brushoff pretty quickly (keep in mind I have 47 first cousins, so some of them are practically strangers). But the kid of someone I'm close to I will help if I can. |
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Post by librarylady on Jul 21, 2023 22:05:40 GMT
DH has a niece that called him for money. He said no and we have not heard from her again. He said he is OK with that--if all he was was a source of money, then....
Her half brother is the same type.
We no longer hear from either of them.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 21, 2023 22:06:25 GMT
I've learned...takers are going to take. The more I give, the more they take. I've distanced(or eliminated) the takers, from my life. I've learned to say a polite no and a firm NO! In the last ten-eleven years, especially the last three-four years, I've gotten to the "do only what's best for me" phase. I don't care if someone likes me or not. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and how I live my life. It's a good place to be. It's been really good for my emotional or mental wellbeing. Other peoples *need* and other peoples sense of entitlement or urgency, is not my priority. If I feel like I want to help or give, then I will do so....but I NEVER feel obligated to do so. 100% this is where I am too. This pretty much describes all of my siblings. The only time we ever hear from them is when they need something or want something. It’s also why I don’t have a ton of friends. I’m pretty quick to cut someone off if I recognize that I’m the only one adding any value to the relationship. DH is the type who will bend over backward to keep people in his life but even he has started noticing when he’s the only one who calls, the only one who invites, the only one who pays, the only one who extends a helping hand. Relationships of all kinds should be a two way street. IMO life is too short to let people repeatedly treat you like a doormat. |
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Post by essiejean on Jul 21, 2023 22:19:29 GMT
about the time I start getting irritated with someone that only calls me when they need something is when I stop and think to myself - do I ever call them just to say Hi or check in? The answer gives me some real insight to myself at times. I find that I am often just as guilty as the next friend/relative of not reaching out just because and I'll just let my own hurt feelings go and just appreciate that I'm hearing from them.
Not saying that this is the situation in your case - just saying it often goes both ways with many.
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 21, 2023 22:33:52 GMT
My husband has an uncle who we have heard from three times. Once, to tell us how excited his daughter was to be our flower girl and that he already bought her a dress (his daughter was 11, and we already had a flower girl). The other two times he wanted free criminal legal advice (he is very wealthy) for his other kid who was in trouble. Extraordinary. Wow! |
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 21, 2023 22:36:19 GMT
DH has a niece that called him for money. He said no and we have not heard from her again. He said he is OK with that--if all he was was a source of money, then.... Her half brother is the same type. We no longer hear from either of them. We had a niece that did that to us as well, the circumstances were such that the money was not being put to a good situation. I actually asked her brother about it and he said he appreciated us saying no to her. I hate being put in that situation though. |
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 21, 2023 22:37:28 GMT
about the time I start getting irritated with someone that only calls me when they need something is when I stop and think to myself - do I ever call them just to say Hi or check in? The answer gives me some real insight to myself at times. I find that I am often just as guilty as the next friend/relative of not reaching out just because and I'll just let my own hurt feelings go and just appreciate that I'm hearing from them. Not saying that this is the situation in your case - just saying it often goes both ways with many. Good point! Definitely something to think about. I think I might be guilty with a couple of them and its mainly because I'm frustrated with them about only reaching out to me when they need something. Perhaps if I do reach out they might actually learn how it works! |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 21, 2023 23:04:44 GMT
I do not have anyone like that in my life, because I would not put up w/it. I removed all of the energy vampires from my life a long time ago.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 22, 2023 0:52:08 GMT
My husband has an uncle who we have heard from three times. Once, to tell us how excited his daughter was to be our flower girl and that he already bought her a dress (his daughter was 11, and we already had a flower girl). The other two times he wanted free criminal legal advice (he is very wealthy) for his other kid who was in trouble. Extraordinary. Wow! The one and only time I have seen him in 20 years was when he and his girlfriend were invited by dh's parents to dinner with our family and BIL's family. Seven kids, the oldest of whom was 11, the rest of whom were eight and younger. My inlaws bought a pack of eight hotdogs for the kids and made rare steak for the adults. He and his gf and the friend they brought uninvited ate the hot dogs while the kids were in the pool. The kids were left with popsicles for dinner (which they also raided). I told dh I would only agree to see this guy again if it was at someone's funeral. I don't know that I have met many worse people. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 22, 2023 10:55:52 GMT
Yes, I have those.
The friends, I've distanced myself from, and now they've drifted away and are not friends any longer.
The family ones....
Well, for me, family is family, and I just give what I can when I can.
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 22, 2023 14:05:21 GMT
My husband and I are both retired lawyers and over the years we’ve had friends, family, fellow church parishioners and complete strangers ask us for legal advice.
We usually try to help when it is an area of the law we know something about, but I find that old adage that people don’t appreciate what they don’t pay for, to be true, especially when it’s professional advice they are getting for free.
If you continue to give free HR advice to your young relatives, I would just accept the fact that they may not properly express their appreciation.
I do think you should confront the young relatives directly, rather than their parents if you have a complaint about their behavior. If they are old enough to seek HR advice from you, they are old enough to be responsible for their actions. I think you should just call them and say “How is work going? Did you get your HR problems resolved? I’m here to help when you have HR problems, but I also want to hear from you when good things happen in your life. Don’t be a stranger.”
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
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Post by Gennifer on Jul 23, 2023 2:56:36 GMT
When is the last time you reached out to your sister’s kids?
I mean, I personally think it’s awesome whenever I hear from one of my nieces/nephews, and even if they were just asking for help? GREAT. I’m glad they thought of me and felt like I’d have helpful, relevant information.
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Post by alsomsknit on Jul 23, 2023 13:28:48 GMT
I ignore the request.
My family shuns me because I am no longer in their cult. They have no problem asking for money, though. It’s always done via text. So, I ignore.
I would laugh in their face if the request was made in person. They know me well enough to not go that route.
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Post by sawwhet on Jul 23, 2023 13:40:30 GMT
I've learned...takers are going to take. The more I give, the more they take. I've distanced(or eliminated) the takers, from my life. I've learned to say a polite no and a firm NO! In the last ten-eleven years, especially the last three-four years, I've gotten to the "do only what's best for me" phase. I don't care if someone likes me or not. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me and how I live my life. It's a good place to be. It's been really good for my emotional or mental wellbeing. Other peoples *need* and other peoples sense of entitlement or urgency, is not my priority. If I feel like I want to help or give, then I will do so....but I NEVER feel obligated to do so. I'm also here and the divide has solidified in the past year or so. Dh has 6 younger siblings and I have one sibling. We only hear from them when they need help moving (we have a truck), their car is broken down (dh is handy), they need assistance with building a fence etc. One of dh's siblings we rarely hear from. He called a month ago to ask if his ds can live with us because we live near the college. We have a tiny home with 4 adults and 2 dogs. One adult (our ds) is in a wheelchair and requires 24/7 care. I'm often up all night caregiving. It can be loud at times, ds is also autistic. How do they not know this? We've been in this situation for 29 years!! Dh said no and my BIL was trying hard to sell his points. We've seen our nephew maybe 5 times ever and he lives in the next town. We barely know him and it's not our fault. They rarely showed up for family picnics and Christmas at our late MILs. I'm mentioned on this board about the family wedding out of town where the entire family was invited except our adult kids. I stayed home with our disabled son unaware that everyone else was at the wedding and just dh from our family. All the nieces/nephews were there with their dates. My other 2 kids weren't invited either. WTH? Last point...my disabled son was participating in a fundraising event for his day program. I put the online form on FB and explained how important this was because they're developing a residential centre. My friends were outstanding and most contributed or offered words of support. Not one of our siblings or nieces/nephews (all adults) contributed at all. Not one cent. They are all on FB posting, I can see them. No well wishes, good luck etc. No response, they all ignored the multiple posts (over a month). I told my bff about this and she sent the link to all her brothers/sisters and they all sponsored ds (and they don't know him!!). Thank goodness for besties. I'm at the point where they can all GTH. In your case, I'd be annoyed as well. For the younger crowd, I'd try to keep the lines of communication open. If they get settled into jobs and don't contact you, then you can move on. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 24, 2023 1:57:14 GMT
My cousin and live within 5 min of each other and we often only contact the other when we need something or have an extra ticket to something or something like that.
But we are good with that
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 25, 2023 18:40:55 GMT
My husband and I are both retired lawyers and over the years we’ve had friends, family, fellow church parishioners and complete strangers ask us for legal advice. We usually try to help when it is an area of the law we know something about, but I find that old adage that people don’t appreciate what they don’t pay for, to be true, especially when it’s professional advice they are getting for free. If you continue to give free HR advice to your young relatives, I would just accept the fact that they may not properly express their appreciation. I do think you should confront the young relatives directly, rather than their parents if you have a complaint about their behavior. If they are old enough to seek HR advice from you, they are old enough to be responsible for their actions. I think you should just call them and say “How is work going? Did you get your HR problems resolved? I’m here to help when you have HR problems, but I also want to hear from you when good things happen in your life. Don’t be a stranger.” Great advice - thank you! |
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 25, 2023 18:42:19 GMT
When is the last time you reached out to your sister’s kids? I mean, I personally think it’s awesome whenever I hear from one of my nieces/nephews, and even if they were just asking for help? GREAT. I’m glad they thought of me and felt like I’d have helpful, relevant information. All the time! I share pictures, ask about their kids, remind them of other cousins', aunt/uncles bdays, etc. Not an issue on my end at all. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
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Post by rickmer on Jul 25, 2023 19:20:42 GMT
yup - HR over here too. separate from family, i try to follow up and stay in touch with former colleagues. crickets. they get laid off, suddenly they are reaching out. i am at the age where i only got so much time i am willing to invest in others if you have shown me how valued i am.
friend of a friend asked for help with resume, spent an hour on the phone with her, discussed 2 resumes, one more retail/junior and other one tweaked for more professional roles in her previous field and a standard cover letter she could use. next thing you know, she is requesting a resume for each job she is interested in applying for, custom cover letters. for a bottle of wine? no thanks.
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 25, 2023 19:50:13 GMT
yup - HR over here too. separate from family, i try to follow up and stay in touch with former colleagues. crickets. they get laid off, suddenly they are reaching out. i am at the age where i only got so much time i am willing to invest in others if you have shown me how valued i am. friend of a friend asked for help with resume, spent an hour on the phone with her, discussed 2 resumes, one more retail/junior and other one tweaked for more professional roles in her previous field and a standard cover letter she could use. next thing you know, she is requesting a resume for each job she is interested in applying for, custom cover letters. for a bottle of wine? no thanks.  that is way too much to ask for! |
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Post by papersilly on Jul 25, 2023 21:18:34 GMT
they will continue to call for as long as they feel you are useful. the key is to slowly (or quickly) be as useless as possible. claim not to know. suggest they use google. pawn them off on someone else. if you are feeling extra passive aggressive, give wrong information or drag your feet getting back to them until they catch a clue and stop calling you.
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Post by belgravia on Jul 26, 2023 0:19:40 GMT
I have a friend whose family treats her like an ATM. She and her husband earn 7 figures annually and they pay for soooooo much for their extended families. There are cultural issues at play as well…they are expected to provide financial support. I can’t tell you how many kids they pay tuition for, how many people they pay rent for, how many designer bags and cars and laptops they dole out. It’s unreal, I really have a hard time wrapping my head around it. In addition, she’s a doctor, so they all come to her for medical advice and ethically she feels like she can’t say no.
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Post by Jamie on Jul 26, 2023 13:35:27 GMT
No problem calling family out. Husbands family always had something they needed help with, multiple times a month. But when we asked them to do a few things for the parties (grad and birthday) we were allowing them to use our yard for, all of a sudden they were sick etc. They've pulled that multiple times and told us so and so is sick, to only then be posting pictures while they are out enjoying themselves during the time we asked for help.
Finally 3 years ago this fall some other stuff went down and we said that is enough. Haven't had anything to do with them (FIL, SIL and her family) and sad to say, but our lives have never been more peaceful.
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Post by paulao on Jul 26, 2023 13:44:54 GMT
They are not friends or family if they only talk to you when they need something. Be a broken record “sorry, I’m too busy to help” or “sorry, that is outside my scope of expertise.”
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that is way too much to ask for!
