katybee
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378 
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Post by katybee on Aug 2, 2023 19:34:55 GMT
As most of you know (since I talk about it all of the time), my brother is dying of cancer. He has been on hospice for over a month, but has been pretty stable and even peppy. But the past week, he has taken a big downturn. I mentioned the cognitive decline he’s had, which after talking to his hospice nurses, is a result of increased pain meds and also just a natural part of dying (less oxygen to the brain). His pain is also rapidly increasing—we suspect tumors in his bones. We are fortunate….he is at home, receiving excellent care and surrounded by his loved ones. But I am starting a new job in a new district. The beginning of the school year is extremely busy and important. My SIL and my older brother can stay with him—no problem there. But it’s possible (probable) that he may pass in the beginning of the school year. We’re not having a service or anything….later this year we plan on having a Celebration of Life in our home town with family and friends. But I’m wondering how much time I will need…I want to give my new principal a heads up. And I just have no idea. A day or 2? It’s not like this will be a shock. But I’m crying as I type this, so I know I will be a wreck. Then again, sometimes staying busy is a good thing. I know every person is different, so I just wanted to get the peas advice. BTW…I’m getting my room done NOW and will have detailed, WRITTEN plans ready at all times (because sometimes, SHOCKER, my plans are in my head.  ) Also…thank-you so much in advance. I’d forgotten what an incredible source of comfort the Peas can be. |
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,643
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Aug 2, 2023 19:43:31 GMT
Is it possible to give them a head's up but not mention a specific time frame? Because honestly, you won't know until it hits you. I'm so sorry for your family. We watched my dad go a few years ago, and even though he had a long, drawn out passing, there is still that shock and it hits you that they are really gone. Hopefully your work will be very accommodating for you.
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Post by MichyM on Aug 2, 2023 19:53:55 GMT
I am so sorry. This has to be a very tough time for you and your family, and the added stress of the impending school year just adds to it. There never is a good time for these things to occur, but I wish you all the best navigating your brother's end of life care, and the aftermath. Sending lots of love...
ETA: also, I know I have found distractions (such as work) a godsend when people close to me have passed. You may find yourself wanting to go back to work after a couple of days. Nothing wrong with that. Hopefully they'll be understanding during this time.
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Post by nightnurse on Aug 2, 2023 20:05:01 GMT
I would hope a heads up of “this is my situation and I’m not sure when or how much time I need but wanted you to know it’s coming” would be more than sufficient. You can’t really know how much time you’ll need or how you will feel, when you’ll be ready to come back to work….my guess is that a day or two will not be enough time but that’s only a guess and really based on my own personal experiences. I cannot imagine any boss expecting you to be back at work under the circumstances
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Post by scrapperal on Aug 2, 2023 20:08:57 GMT
I'm so sorry. Timing is never good, right? Please take care of yourself and it sounds like you have good plans in place for your classroom.
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Post by monklady123 on Aug 2, 2023 20:15:17 GMT
I agree about just letting them know the situation, but obviously you don't have an exact timeline. As you said, sometimes being busy is a good thing. But of course you won't know if that will help you until your brother actually dies.
Also, when he dies try not to feel guilty if you feel a sense of relief even in sadness. He's had a long hard fight and he will finally be at peace. So if you actually find yourself wanting to go back to school and not take time off that's okay too. That might be part of the relief. You just have to go a day at a time, and you can't really predict anything at this point.
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Post by MZF on Aug 2, 2023 20:26:31 GMT
No advice here. I'm sorry your family is going through this. But what a blessing that your brother is able to be home and have family near. (hugs)
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 2, 2023 21:09:15 GMT
Letting them know that his death is coming is definitely recommended and I’m sure will be appreciated by your administration. You can leave the exact number of days needed vague for now.
My mother died last year here at our home after months of hospice care. She died in the morning and that afternoon I was in the car driving to Virginia for the birth of a grandchild. I had to go - I was the designated caretaker for the child they already had. It felt a bit crazy to jump in the car shortly after seeing the hearse pull away from my home but it turned out to be for the best. Taking care of my family and celebrating new life was just the balm my soul needed.
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Post by Merge on Aug 2, 2023 21:19:10 GMT
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think that giving your new admin a heads up and keeping thorough, written plans is the best way to prepare for whatever you might need. When my parents died, I found that going back to work was better for me than sitting at home and staring at the walls, as I told one co-worker who was shocked to see me back. But not everyone is like that - some people need down time to process things. Honestly, if I'd been teaching at that time, I don't know if I would have felt able to return so quickly. I was working a much less demanding admin job at the time.
So prepare, as you are doing, for any eventuality, and then listen to and respect your own needs when the time comes. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the kids in your class will be fine no matter what.
I'll be thinking of you.
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Post by maryland on Aug 2, 2023 21:30:23 GMT
So sorry for what your brother and family are going through. It must be so devestating to see him going through this. Thinking about you.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 2, 2023 21:32:16 GMT
katybee Do you have a certain number of bereavement days contractually?? I think giving a heads up is the way to go.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 2, 2023 21:33:22 GMT
Everyone is different. When my father was in hospice, and then when he died, honestly the last thing I felt like doing was taking time off of work--having routines and seeing people was better for my well-being. That's not true for everyone obviously.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 2, 2023 21:33:48 GMT
Well, I can’t help you there in a time frame. I’m still reeling from time to time from my sisters death 9 years ago. I still take mental health days. In many ways it was worse than my parents deaths as my sister was instrumental in getting the family thru those. Then again, keeping busy can sometimes be helpful.
Hugs
I’m sorry you are going thru this
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Post by hop2 on Aug 2, 2023 21:37:10 GMT
Everyone is different. When my father was in hospice, and then when he died, honestly the last thing I felt like doing was taking time off of work--having routines and seeing people was better for my well-being. That's not true for everyone obviously. sometimes the time you need can be months later As previous peas said, listen to what you, your body & your spirit needs. There is no wrong here |
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Post by flanz on Aug 2, 2023 23:01:32 GMT
Oh, Katy, I'm so sorry.
I hope you'll be allowed all of the time off you will feel you need, and as others have said, your students and being with them might be good medicine for your soul. And even if you need to cry a bit in class, as a parent (Im not a teacher), I think that would be a healthy thing for the kids to see, to know that all emotions are valid and need to be expressed in appropriate ways. Then again, maybe it would be scary for the 5th graders. What do I know?
I hope you're gentle with yourself in the days and weeks and months ahead.
If you want to go for a beach walk with a friend to process or to walk together in silence, let me know. If I'm in town and able, I'll be there.
xoxo
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Post by quinlove on Aug 2, 2023 23:13:38 GMT
((( katybee )))
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 10:08:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2023 23:32:10 GMT
The best thing you can do is give the principal a heads up that your brother is in hospice care and is at the end of his life. Since you say services will happen at a later date and somewhere else, you can tell them that you may only need two or three days, maybe just one depending on the timing, but you may need a week for services later in the year. Maybe you can time it with a school break?
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Post by scrappintoee on Aug 2, 2023 23:41:26 GMT
Everyone else has given great ideas, so I just want to send:  |
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Post by grammadee on Aug 3, 2023 0:05:05 GMT
Does the school board have protocols in place for leave for loss of a loved one? Our college had specific length of leave set out, and if a person needed more, then it was taken as unpaid or vacation time. I believe it was one week (5 working days) for immediate family.
Be aware that although you may feel ready to be back at work that your emotions may still be all over the place. I remember feeling ready to return to work after losing my brother and then losing it when an adult student did something that was totally opposite to my brother's beliefs. Any other time, I would have taken him aside to discuss it rationally, but two weeks after losing my brother I yelled at the guy in front of the whole class.
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
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Post by luckyjune on Aug 3, 2023 0:24:40 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm sending my best to you and your family as you face this transition.
As soon as you say, "My brother is in hospice..." a good admin will say, "How can I help." I think you let them know, and let them know you are prepared with plans ready, so you can be gone with little notice. Maybe ask admin if there is a good sub they can have on call, ready to show up for you with little notice?
If you know anyone in your new position or if you happen to connect with someone before school starts, maybe let them know too? I know the people I taught with would have gone out of their way to help someone in a tough situation, new or not. Just having someone check in on your sub a couple of times a day, especially at the beginning of the year, can be helpful to kids and the sub.
And don't forget, Peas are here for you, day and night.
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Post by mollycoddle on Aug 3, 2023 0:32:25 GMT
I’m very sorry; I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I would briefly explain the situation and tell them that you will need a few days off.
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,345
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Aug 3, 2023 0:38:05 GMT
I'm not sure how much time you will need - you will only know that when it happens. I'm sorry you're in this position - it's hard to say goodbye to someone you love. I hope your admin is understanding and will work with you when it happens. I agree that you should let them know now, before the school year starts. That way they can have a plan in place, too. ((hugs))
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 3, 2023 2:13:56 GMT
When my died under hospice care, I only needed the day he died. It was predetermined which funeral home we would use. Hospice contacted them, they came and picked up his body. He died at about six in the morning. About 11 they contacted me to come sign the paperwork, he going to be cremated. That was all I had to do. I handled bank stuff at my leisure in the days and weeks after. It was already planned that we would not have a service. It sounds cold, but that’s all there was to it. He was 90 and owned nothing and I am an only child..
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katybee
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
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Post by katybee on Aug 3, 2023 2:15:39 GMT
Thanks again for all of the advice. I told my superintendent today (we are a tiny district) and before I could even finish she said my family comes first. She was really great (I knew she would be) and although I haven’t told my principal, yet, I’m sure he will be, too. I’m going to go about as normal (getting my classroom set up is a happy distraction) and deal with things as they happen. (BTW, my principal last year was also amazing when it came to my brother and always asked about him. I’ve been very lucky).
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 3, 2023 3:01:02 GMT
I’m so sorry for your situation. Your district policies may dictate how much time you can have. I got one day for my dad and that was a sick day. We had to arrange his funeral for the day after Thanksgiving so everyone in the family could go. Now we have a couple of bereavement days for spouse, parent or child. Find out what yours is and let your principal know based on that. In my district, who you are makes a difference in whether you can get more. I suppose anyone could do mental health FMLA if a doctor agrees to it.
ETA. You posted while I typed. Glad it will work out.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 3, 2023 3:23:20 GMT
I’m so sorry. None of this is easy for any of you. Sending your family wishes for comfort and peace.
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Post by Lurkingpea on Aug 3, 2023 13:15:50 GMT
One thing to consider, besides your emotions, is the minutiae of what will have to be dealt with after he dies. Paperwork, returning hospital items you may have at your house, going through things, etc. Will his wife be able to cope with that alone while she is grieving or will she need help? It is hard as a teacher to get bank and office things done because we can't just step out or make a phone call when it is convenient. It is never convenient and our hours are office and banker hours too.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,865
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 3, 2023 13:25:19 GMT
First, I'm sorry you all are going through this. It's not easy, even when you know the end is near. I would just be honest that you don't have a timeline, but know the day is coming soon.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 3, 2023 13:46:38 GMT
I think after the initial bereavement leave, you are likely to need a day here and there. It may be to grieve, it may be to support your SIL, it may be to deal with logistics. Take the days you need. You'll be better for it.
Giant hugs, dear friend.
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