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Post by kluski on Aug 7, 2023 0:27:01 GMT
I find it interesting that so many traditions have been poo poo’d and/or lost along the way but the idea of the parents paying for the wedding seems to hang on. It comes from the days when parents presented a dowry.
With that said, we told dd, we paid for college and bought her a new car. She is on her own for her house and wedding.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 7, 2023 0:28:20 GMT
Three of my four boys are married - we had three weddings in three years! Whew. And every one was somewhat different. We did pay for the rehearsal dinners for all three. Other than that, we had one that both sets of parents were about 50-50, one where we footed most, and one where the bride's family went all out. I don't have any problem with not being 'equal' with this sort of thing. Needs vary and responses can vary as well. For clarity, I don't care about being "equal" either if needs/circumstances are different. But the variation won't be at all tied to their gender.
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Post by jackietex on Aug 7, 2023 1:28:07 GMT
My oldest was a Covid bride, so she had less than 10 people attend. She lives in California, and we live in Texas, so dh and I didn't even attend. We gave them $25,000, to spend as they chose. Originally, they were planning to have a large celebration, but now that dd is opening a pelvic floor physical therapy clinic (San Diego), I doubt they will choose to spend money on a party. I'm sure we'll do something similar with our other daughter and son.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 7, 2023 2:05:15 GMT
I gave my son a check for the amount I was willing to pay toward the wedding. I told my other son I will write him an equivalent check if he decides to marry.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,179
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Aug 7, 2023 2:16:07 GMT
My DD got married last year. They had a small wedding - around 34 guests - in an expensive country house hotel, which was fabulous. I wasn’t in a position to give them any money, but I made all of their wedding stationery which they really appreciated. I did buy DD's (costume) jewellery, and her dad gave her money for her dress, which also covered a generous drinks package. My DIL's parents bought her dress, but didn’t pay for anything else, despite being pretty wealthy. But the girls were happy to pay for everything themselves because it allowed them to maintain control, and have the wedding they wanted.
I expect DS's wedding will be similar, as he and his girlfriend do not plan to have a large party. The GF lives in Florida, so I don’t imagine many of her friends and family will make their way to Scotland for the ceremony. (And yes, ip they have both chosen to have their wedding in Scotland rather than Florida.)
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Post by wordyphotogbabe on Aug 7, 2023 2:27:04 GMT
My sister had a large (150ish) traditional wedding 15+ years ago which my parents paid for completely to the tune of $20-25K. She paid for her very small second wedding.
My first two weddings were both small (20-25 people). My parents paid for the dinner (does it count as a reception if there is no dancing?) after the first one and for the dinner, cake, & my bouquet after the second one. I'm getting married a third (and last!!!) time next month, and my parents have not paid for anything.
I highly, highly, highly doubt that my ex will have any money saved for either of our children's weddings. I would guess that my oldest will think spending money on a wedding is stupid and impractical and would likely elope or go to the courthouse if they choose to get married at all. My youngest will likely have a more traditional wedding, and we'd do our best to contribute what we could. If both of those situations took place, we'd give a comparable amount of money to my oldest to do with what they like.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 7, 2023 3:35:45 GMT
My in-laws gave us a nice lump sum. DH was the oldest of three, but last to marry. We got married by the JOP for $25.
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Post by gar on Aug 7, 2023 7:54:50 GMT
I don't know how to express my feelings about this, but it bothers me that the feelings about paying for a wedding differ based on whether it's a son or daughter. That seems like a very messed up way of thinking. I mean, do you love your son less than your daughter? Why would you give more for your daughters wedding than your sons wedding? It doesn't seem right. It goes back to the days of a dowry and often I think it just sort of happens without being analysed. I doubt many parents love their sons less and base it on that Traditionally a husband's family would take responsibility for a woman after they were married, assuming responsibility for costs such as food, clothing and housing. Payment for the wedding would be covered by the bride's family as part of the dowry to cover these costs.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,987
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Aug 7, 2023 9:31:37 GMT
Oldest DD is in a semi-serious relationship but nowhere near marriage yet.
She just started a new job she loves that also pays her about $45k more than she made in her last job, and she is really excited about buying a house when her lease is up next spring. She has been saving for a down payment since the day she graduated, so she is in a pretty good place financially.
We are going to give her a lump sums this year with the understanding that we will not be paying for a wedding. She will be 30 next month and now makes significantly more than I do. DH is retired, and I hope to be retired by next summer (or the following summer at the latest). If we give her the money to help her get to 20% for her down payment, I don’t feel like we should feel any guilt about not paying for a wedding someday.
And if she does end up with her current boyfriend, I don’t see an expensive wedding in her future anyway. He is very low-key and “sensible” about money, so I can’t see them spending almost $40k for an “average” wedding.
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Post by ~summer~ on Aug 7, 2023 9:48:09 GMT
I have boys, but gender wouldn’t matter. I think we will give them a lump sum ($10k, $25k) and they can spend how they choose.
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,057
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on Aug 7, 2023 10:26:57 GMT
I plan to contribute the same to my son or daughter. I am not a fan of the old rules. I never differentiated with them based on gender on anything else, why would I for their wedding? I only have a daughter but absolutely agree. The gendered BS of only brides parents contributing is surely gone now? We are giving a sum of money to them that they can do what they like with, they have accepted with grace and said they didn’t expect us to put anything in. His parents will also give a sum of money similar to us.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 7, 2023 13:36:44 GMT
Your DH is wrong. While one should never contribute more than they can afford, gender should not factor into the decision of who pays.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Aug 7, 2023 14:20:24 GMT
Traditionally, the groom/groom's family pays for the engagement and wedding rings for the bride, his clothing, gifts for the groomsmen, possibly a gift for the bride, and the rehearsal supper. I had recently heard that he should pay for the bride's bouquet, but that was new to me. Both the rings and the rehearsal can be pricey, especially if it is a large wedding where you need to include more people.
People aren't as traditional these days, but the last 3 weddings I've been close enough to this year to know who paid for what have all followed pretty traditional expensive breakdowns.
You could also consider having a pool of money available for each child to use for wedding expenses or a down payment on a house. I wouldn't leave it so open ended as allowing them to use it for whatever they wanted, but knowing that you can help with some of the big things in life eases a burden.
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Post by auntkelly on Aug 7, 2023 15:17:03 GMT
My daughter got married last May. She and her husband chose to get married where we live, rather than the state they currently live in. As soon as they got engaged, the groom’s parents sent my husband and I a text that said they would like to help pay for the wedding and would split the costs in any way we wanted. We ended up splitting the costs fairly traditionally and it worked out beautifully. We paid for most of the wedding and reception. The groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, the musicians who played at the wedding and the band who played at the wedding. They also payed for part of the honeymoon. In the end, I think it probably worked out pretty evenly. We told our daughter and son in law how much we were willing to spend on the wedding and they stuck to that budget, paying for a few extras themselves. I agree with peabay about it being one of the best nights of our lives. I enjoyed our daughter’s wedding every bit as much and maybe even more than I enjoyed our own. To me, it was worth every penny we spent. I’m not sure my son will ever get married. At 31, he seems pretty content as a bachelor. I can’t see him ever wanting to have a big, traditional wedding like his sister. However, we will be supportive whatever he decides. I’m not sure we’ll give him the exact amount for his wedding as we gave his sister. It has nothing to do with gender, we’ve just never believed that we had to spend the same exact amount of money on our children. We tend to look at situations when they arise. For example, we spent a lot more on our son’s education than our daughter’s education because he chose to go to a private university while she chose to go to a public university. At the end, we didn’t say to our daughter “Here is all the money you saved us by attending a public university rather than a private university. We owe it to you since we paid more for your brother’s education than we did for your education.” I don’t think there is ever a right answer about how much a parent should contribute towards a wedding. It all depends on the circumstances. I don’t think anyone should ever go into long term debt to pay for a wedding.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Aug 7, 2023 15:51:45 GMT
Whatever you do, please do what you can so there is not multiple discussions about how much each family gave, or didn't give. At a wedding it was made very apparent the brides family contributed a lot more than the groom's family did. I felt it was in very poor taste or this to be such common knowledge.
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 7, 2023 16:18:27 GMT
My stepmum paid for most everything for me. (29 years ago).. EXPENSIVE wedding (not by my decisions!)
My sister had to pay for her own.
Neither was fair but that is family history.
My daughter paid for most. I chipped in when I could. I think I paid for her dress, or most of it and paid the alterations (something like that). She ended up losing a ton of money because it was right in the heat of Covid and the venue wouldn't give them any of their money back. They ended up just signing their document at a restaurant with immediate family there. In-laws paid for the whole dinner. (we tried to help and they wouldn't let us)
They were going to try to have another 'real' wedding, but since then had a baby and at this point, who cares.
I don't see my next two getting married.. but if they do, we would help as much as possible... mostly probably helping ends meet type stuff.
And I think the old rules are stupid.
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,423
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on Aug 8, 2023 2:59:41 GMT
It's funny that I see this post now as my son & his fiancé have just started planning their wedding. Holy crap are weddings expensive!!!! For that reason alone they have decided to get married on a Sunday as it's $17k less than the same venue on a Saturday, and $12k less than the same venue on a Friday. And yes, they have been shopping around venues extensively! I even tried talking them into doing a backyard wedding at our house because the amount of money for weddings boggles the mind. But I had my wedding, it's not my place to tell them how to do theirs.
We (dh & I) have decided that we will contribute a set amount to them, and plan to give DD the same set amount when its her turn to get married. How they spend it is up to them, and it's up to them to come up with the rest of it. I know his fiancé's parents do not have much extra money, her mom has been out of work for almost a year now. But it's up to them how they intend to contribute to the wedding - nothing to do with me. Fiance is mostly hoping they can help pay for her dress. They have planned for Sept 2025 so they can save up the money to pay for their share. But they are booking the venue & using part of the money we're giving them for the deposit.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 8, 2023 5:16:51 GMT
I'll try to give some, but since the divorce I dont have a lot of extra money to put toward it.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,550
Jun 26, 2014 14:12:17 GMT
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Post by anniebeth24 on Aug 8, 2023 11:03:02 GMT
We paid for everything for DD's small but fancy wedding.
When DS got engaged, we offered the same dollar amount to him. He used about a third of it on a honeymoon, and the rest helped pay for the wedding, including the rehearsal dinner.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 8, 2023 11:17:57 GMT
As I’m sure you know, the old way was the bride’s family pays for the wedding, and the grooms family pays for rehearsal dinner and flowers for the wedding. I don’t know who thought this unequal division up - maybe it originated in the days when women came to the relationship with a dowry. (ETA just read the other responses and I see it was indeed the dowry tradition that started it.)
I (single mom, school teacher at the time) paid for my daughter’s wedding alone. Her father was absent and neither of the groom’s two divorced parents offered to assist financially. I sure would have appreciated the offer but would never have asked because I didn’t want to embarrass my daughter.
When my son got married, I did offer. The parents declined, so I gave the kids a substantial financial gift - the amount I would have offered to pay for half the wedding.
it’s very kind of you to consider making this offer.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 11:25:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2023 12:53:43 GMT
It's been so interesting reading all the responses. My opinion is the old way of how weddings are paid for has been mostly disregarded for quite a few decades now as family situations varied more over time and weddings became more elaborate and turned into a big "business". DH and I paid for our own, which was a stretch, yet do-able. It also helped that my mom was very hand's on making decorations and buying little things that were needed. DH's mom paid for the rehearsal dinner. They were both generous with larger gifts. Our biggest benefit was not having large families on either side so we were around 120 guests, if we had twice that, we would have had a much different wedding. No regrets in spending a big chunk of money for the wedding I really dreamed of. And we took back our deposit for a honeymoon to Hawaii to buy a house and also don't regret that.
For our 4 kids, we have always planned to give each $10,000 toward the wedding. We paid for college and a 1st car, so this is intentionally not meant to pay for a whole wedding, as we felt they should contribute at the point of getting married. If they do something simple or it isn't needed, then it would just convert to a gift, hopefully to be used for a honeymoon or towards buying a house. When and if we get to that point, I think we may bump it up a little more given that it doesn't really go far these days for a mid-sized wedding. The amount would be the same for all of our kids, regardless of gender. And mom and dad are happy to help with hand making whatever could be done, that was so meaningful to me when my mom helped with my decorations.
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Post by melanell on Aug 8, 2023 13:08:24 GMT
We paid for nearly our entire wedding ourselves when DH & I married. My parents did cover one small aspect of it as part of their gift to us, but that's it.
I guess I just don't view weddings as something parents really need to pay for anymore. I feel like couples ought to scale their weddings to something they can primarily afford themselves. I think it's nice if any parents want to contribute, but I don't think any parents should feel they have to fund a wedding.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,883
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 8, 2023 19:07:03 GMT
I don't know how to express my feelings about this, but it bothers me that the feelings about paying for a wedding differ based on whether it's a son or daughter. That seems like a very messed up way of thinking. I mean, do you love your son less than your daughter? Why would you give more for your daughters wedding than your sons wedding? It doesn't seem right. It goes back to the days of a dowry and often I think it just sort of happens without being analysed. I doubt many parents love their sons less and base it on that Traditionally a husband's family would take responsibility for a woman after they were married, assuming responsibility for costs such as food, clothing and housing. Payment for the wedding would be covered by the bride's family as part of the dowry to cover these costs. Yes I totally understand the history behind it. And that's probably what I find most troubling about the discussion. It just feels kind of ick, like women are still treated as property to this day.
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Post by maryland on Aug 8, 2023 19:10:00 GMT
No, we don't plan on paying for weddings for our three kids. To be fair, we told them that since they were little. haha
We pay for college for the kids, and they don't have to work during college. We have sacraficed buying things for ourselves while raising them so we can put money into their college funds. And our retirement fund is very important to us. So after college, we plan lots of home improvements! If we had lots of extra money (we won't), we would give them money towards grad school, a house, but we will let them pay for their wedding.
I never understood why the bride's parents were supposed to pay for most wedding expenses (when our three girls were born, everyone commented on how we need to save up for three weddings).
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Post by krcrafts on Aug 8, 2023 19:18:29 GMT
We have 2 daughters and paid for their weddings. The grooms’ families paid for the rehearsal dinners, groom 2 paid for alcohol at the reception for their wedding. We also paid for their honeymoons…one was a weeks beach rental and the other was a cruise. All total, it was less than $20K for both couples and they were even-ish.
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Post by maryland on Aug 8, 2023 19:20:03 GMT
I plan to contribute the same to my son or daughter. I am not a fan of the old rules. I never differentiated with them based on gender on anything else, why would I for their wedding? I agree!
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Post by maryland on Aug 8, 2023 19:25:05 GMT
I'm not interested in funding a $39k wedding or whatever the "norm" is nowadays, what a waste of money that could be put towards a house instead of one day celebrating something that could very well end in divorce. Is that a dim view? Yes it sure is, but I've seen what I've seen. I paid for my own wedding 28 years ago so it was very low key, low budget, and relaxed. Nothing really to stress over, which was nice. I think my daughter would be ok with all that but she isn't sure she ever even wants to get married. I can't imagine DS ever wanting a big wedding. I agree with everything you said!
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,875
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Aug 8, 2023 20:27:48 GMT
Ugh … I’m not wanting to even THINK about weddings. My girls are 20 and 18. The older one is in a serious relationship and most likely to get married first.
I believe she will wait until she graduates college which is a good thing.
I expect that the parents will split the wedding costs 50/50. I also plan to put some cash incentive in there that they can “earn” if they set an acceptable (to me!) budget and stick to it.
I had a good friend that blew $40,000 on a wedding back in the 90s. A really big show. She regrets it and wishes she had the money now. Good news is, she still married to the same guy! ;-)
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Post by rymeswithpurple on Aug 8, 2023 22:09:52 GMT
I had a good friend that blew $40,000 on a wedding back in the 90s. A really big show. She regrets it and wishes she had the money now. Good news is, she still married to the same guy! ;-) At least they're still together! DH's boss spent $75k on her daughter's wedding and they didn't last 6ish years. (Though there were rumblings that they wouldn't make it before that.)
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Post by Miss Ang on Aug 9, 2023 3:17:32 GMT
When our daughter was married we paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner, half of the flowers and the alcohol at the reception. Her in laws set a dollar limit on the alcohol and provided drinks for about 30 minutes; from there it was a cash bar.
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