paying for child's wedding

Rules no longer apply. Let go of expectations and guilt and help if you want to, it’s your money.

My parents didn't contribute to my wedding. They had very little money and had to save up to fly out and attend (I am a first-generation college student who had Pell grants). I wanted a small (40-ish) guest wedding. My inlaws insisted that this was not ok, and that we had to invite over 200 people and that they would pay for the wedding. My husband and I paid for the rehearsal dinner, which was all of the out-of-town guests and was expensive. My inlaws were very controlling about the wedding planning because they were paying--they vetoed the venue we'd chosen, eg, even though it was the same price as the one we ended up with, because they didn't like it -- and I regret not having the small wedding we could have pid for. They also got mad at my parents for "not even offering to pay," even though it was a financial hardship for them just to attend.

TL;DR -- I think parents should cover what they feel generous enough to cover, if they want to, and/but that it's not either set of parents' responsibility, and there is nothing wrong with saying, hey, couple, have the wedding you can afford. I am paying for all of my kids for college, but I have told them -- regardless of gender -- that we may or may not help with a wedding. I do think gendered expectations are weird -- I have four boys and have no idea why I should be more or less willing to pay if they get married.

We have 4 and at least a couple will marry in the next few years. After hearing some stories (dd's ex's family offered to pay 1/2 of their sons wedding and ended up having to come up with 30K. Had no idea they'd be on the hook for that much.) Another friend gave big weddings to first 2 dd's, 2nd wanted a house so she got a much smaller wedding and some cash from parents.

So give we have 4 with various tastes, cashflow and some with girlfriends whose parents won't help with wedding we decided we'll give a hopefully good sized cash gift for them to do what they please. Now we just need to figure out what a good sized gift amount is Not even sure what the average wedding would cost these days.

Three of my four boys are married - we had three weddings in three years! Whew. And every one was somewhat different. We did pay for the rehearsal dinners for all three. Other than that, we had one that both sets of parents were about 50-50, one where we footed most, and one where the bride's family went all out. I don't have any problem with not being 'equal' with this sort of thing. Needs vary and responses can vary as well.

I think, in general, each child regardless of gender should be given the same amount.

Was he okay with the grooms family paying a third when your dd was married?



I think this is the sensible way to go, at least in my opinion. The traditional way was sort of like selling your daughters off to someone else to look after them and I like to think we have changed a little in our way of thinking over the years.

My parent's covered my wedding as they wanted to as they did for my sister. They helped out with my brother's wedding.

If feasible, we will cover dd's wedding if she chooses to get married.

Because of the industry my son in law works in, his and my DDs wedding was quite highly staged, if that's the right word - which didn't come cheap. They were well into their 20s and earning well and they would not let us pay as would have been traditional I suppose. We bought her dress, paid for the hotel for their wedding night and a few other elements. His parents contributed as they could and they paid the bulk themselves.

I think the days of automatically expecting the bride's parents to pay are gone and each situation is different. 

When we got married 27 years ago, we got $1000 from dh's parents and 1000 or 2000 from mom. We covered the rest. At a time when the average wedding was around $20k, ours came in around $7k. My dress was a sample that I paid $400 for plus $200 in alterations- the bridal store really messed up on that charge as they had to take the entire dress apart because I am not tall. We did not have an open bar, we only paid for a keg, which made the per person cost about 1/2 as much. (We did a regular banquet pkg, not a wedding pkg). Tye DJ was the Orkin man at MILs work who DJ'd on the side. Our biggest expense was photography and I am so glad we splurged there.

I'm not interested in funding a $39k wedding or whatever the "norm" is nowadays, what a waste of money that could be put towards a house instead of one day celebrating something that could very well end in divorce. Is that a dim view? Yes it sure is, but I've seen what I've seen.

I paid for my own wedding 28 years ago so it was very low key, low budget, and relaxed. Nothing really to stress over, which was nice. I think my daughter would be ok with all that but she isn't sure she ever even wants to get married. I can't imagine DS ever wanting a big wedding.

Hopefully my son’s wedding is wayyyyyy far out into the future.

My daughter gets married in less than a week. It’s a very non traditional, expensive, destination wedding. The guest list is small, and I have no idea how much everything costs, or who is paying for what. Both she and her fiancé are professionals. His parents are split up, mother is remarried. My understanding is the father is unreliable at best (not coming to the wedding.)

On our side, my daughter has her biological father (remarried), her biological mother (remarried.) And me ( coupled up lol- used to be stepmom, but wayyyy closer than either of her bio parents.)

I offered to pay for photog (I’m a scrapbooker- but I wasn't expecting it to be over $3500 and that doesn't include any prints!) I am also paying for the rehearsal dinner (I told her and her fiancé I would, but it would be nice if a couple other credit cards show up when the folio is brought.)

The destination is expensive. The travel and lodging alone, before a bite is eaten or a sight seen, is 10k for two of us, for a week.

I expect to contribute in the same manner for my son.

Fwiw- bio mother isn’t contributing anything, and will likely dine and dash. And it’s taking every last bit of “be the bigger person” to pay for her food and inclusion in photos. I have no idea why she’s even coming (she lives a 4 hour drive away…) My daughter always said she wasn’t invited- but a week ago…. Here we are lol

Ds and his long-term live in got married in April. They wanted no fuss, and decided to elope to a nearby town. We were happy they did what they wanted to do, we and gave them a cash gift which they will use for some new furniture.

 This is so much my view. My DD was going to have a big wedding (about 220 people), plans in place, and Covid hit. Luckily deposits were refunded. So they ended up using the wedding money we gave to double their house down payment (we gave a certain amount for them to divvy up how they wanted). 

 They ended up marrying in our backyard, just immediate family because gatherings then could only be so many people. 

 I still can’t get over how much weddings are. A $40,000 wedding or use that for down payment on a house. It’s a no brainer to me

I don’t know how things broke down for my siblings because all but one are a lot older than I am. My mom bought my dress ($500) and paid $1000 for the catering. The in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner (for about 8-10 people at a moderately priced restaurant) and gave us about $1000 which went toward other expenses. We paid the rest ourselves with the exception of the honeymoon/travel expenses which was a gift from his grandma. We had a very small wedding (maybe 60-80 guests in total) early in the afternoon, the reception was a buffet, decor for the church, hall and cake was mostly DIY. We didn’t have a dance or any liquor at all which saved us a lot. I’d guess that without counting the honeymoon that his grandma paid for, we probably spent about $6000 all in, including what our parents contributed.

If my DD ever decides to get married there is a lot that we can do ourselves to cut the costs. I think you can host a really nice wedding on a budget and put the money saved toward a house or something else more permanent. I’d much rather pay for my kid’s education quite honestly.