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Post by epeanymous on Oct 24, 2023 20:52:56 GMT
Some of you have been on this journey as I have been on it; the recap is that about 5-6 years ago, I found out that my father was not my biological father, and that my parents had used a sperm donor (I do not know who the sperm donor is/was); last year, when my father died, I found out he father had a prior marriage with three kids, and that my parents never intended to tell me about of these things. I also found out that my cousin had an older sister (her father's prior marriage), which my parents never told me about. I have very little family -- my father has no living relatives, and on my mother's side, I have a couple of cousins and an aunt. One of those cousins is gay and had a husband for like ten years before my parents told me he existed (I only learned because he showed up for a funeral). Another cousin divorced his wife fifteen years ago and my mother told me last week in response to a question about her.
I'm an only child. I often feel very lost in understanding my family and my identity (I have a therapist, do not worry).
Today I had a data breach notification from a commercial DNA site I'd used in all of this, so I went in to change the password. In doing so, I saw I had a new relative notice -- a first cousin once removed I hadn't seen before. Unlike the last few times, however, this one is on my mother's side; I looked the person up, and, sure enough, they were born near my hometown. They are deceased, and their obituary notes that they were adopted.
Would you ask my mother if she knows anything about the situation? On the one hand, I really am frustrated by feeling like I have been lied to my entire life about really basic family information. On the other hand, I don't think I can take my mother lying to me again (the first few times I asked about my father, she lied about it), and I also worry that . . . maybe she really doesn't know? Then she'll have some deceased relative she could have not known existed unless I told her, and maybe it will upset her.
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Post by malibou on Oct 24, 2023 21:26:41 GMT
Wow, that's a tough call. How old is your mom and how is her mental health. I suspect there is a reason you have been told nothing in a family full of secrets, so my guess is that your mom will continue to say nothing.
Do you know where your sperm donor lived? Have you ever peeked at the sites for people born to sperm donors?
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 24, 2023 22:01:37 GMT
Wow, that's a tough call. How old is your mom and how is her mental health. I suspect there is a reason you have been told nothing in a family full of secrets, so my guess is that your mom will continue to say nothing. Do you know where your sperm donor lived? Have you ever peeked at the sites for people born to sperm donors? My mother is 80. I'm not sure about her mental health TBH -- I think she has had OCD since at least I was small, but she won't see a medical doctor, and definitely won't see a therapist. I don't think it would push her into a mental health episode, because her mental health issues are more around obsessive cleaning and grooming. The information I have about the sperm donor is that he was a medical student in the CA bay area, at Stanford or UCSF. Other than the half-siblings from the same donor, no close relatives have popped up; I am indeed on the sperm donor sites, but I haven't had any leads. I don't have any real desire to meet my biological father, but it sure would be nice to have some basic information about where I came from, family health, etc. |
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Post by dewryce on Oct 24, 2023 22:08:47 GMT
Unless things have changed, she has seen the error of her ways about lying to you and sincerely apologized, I’d only ask if I could handle finding out she lied to me again. If it would irreparably damage your relationship, and that is a concern, I likely wouldn’t risk it.
As far as worrying about her finding out about a relative she was unaware of, I’m sorry but I have no sympathy for her in this instance. You deserve to find family, or at least family information, and if following this trail could help you I say go for it!
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Post by malibou on Oct 24, 2023 22:25:32 GMT
I know there are people out there that can help sperm donor babies if they get even a remote hit on the ancestry sites. My dh was a sperm donor in college. His mom did an ancestry kit, and though she thought she had it set so no one could see it, one of these sleuths was able to track back to my dh. He got a letter from her a couple of years ago. So far she is the only one that has found him. They email a couple of times a year. She has mostly inquired about family history, and she has asked if she'll ever get to meet ds.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 25, 2023 0:40:18 GMT
My mom passed when I was 23. One of the hardest things about losing her so young is that I cannot ask her the million things that I would like to know as an adult. Ask. Maybe she'll come clean. Tell her she doesn't have to answer you but please do not lie. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,915 
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Post by pilcas on Oct 25, 2023 1:35:40 GMT
I think I would let it go. Not much can be gained by by learning about a cousin who has already passed. Chances are your mother doesn’t have much information about that person either.
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Post by mom on Oct 25, 2023 1:52:37 GMT
Honestly, I would not bother asking. What is to be gained --- 1. you will probably doubt if she is telling you the truth 2. the relative is dead so it's not like you can meet for coffee and talk.
I do wonder, though -- why are they lying? Is there a real reason they have chosen to ignore the rest of their family?
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Post by sunnyd on Oct 25, 2023 2:58:03 GMT
I would not worry for a second about upsetting your mom, considering she's the one who has kept secrets and lied to you. My curiosity would definitely cause me to ask her. Maybe the deceased cousin has children you can connect with to learn more about your family history if nothing else.
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 25, 2023 3:43:13 GMT
I'd weigh the risks vs. benefits of asking your mother. What do you have to gain by knowing and what do you have to lose by not knowing? In the case of your bio dad, knowing means knowing your medical/genetic history which could help you prevent or manage diseases in the future. That makes complete sense. However, if your mom would lie what's the point of asking about the cousin on her side? mom, has very good points. |
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Post by littlemama on Oct 25, 2023 10:13:29 GMT
What do you hope to gain by telling/asking her?
Ultimately, that is the question you need to answer in order to decide what to do.
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Post by hop2 on Oct 25, 2023 10:44:48 GMT
While I agree that your parents should have been more forthcoming with you about your situation. The other things are not the same.
I don’t even think they are lies.
I do not like to talk about emotional subjects. I could see there being someone out there who didn't know I was divorced. It’s not like I announced it. Sure 6 years later it’s almost a positive thing but at the time it was very raw emotional painful thing. I can imagine someone somewhere might not know I’m divorced. I assume they grasped that something happened as I send out holiday cards from just me & I get them back to just me. But there wasn’t any announcement of my divorce to anyone other than my children. There was at least 1 acquaintance who didn’t know for 2 years that my father died. I was devastated and I also didn’t walk around announcing that. If people didn’t hear thru the grapevine or read the obituary I’m not bringing it up. I simply couldn’t handle all the “how are you holding up” conversations in the grocery or at the school pick up time. I did not talk about my dad dying for several years, not even here.
If I had had to give a child up for adoption there is no way in hell I would talk about it. Talk about raw painful emotions. What ever reasons I would have had that forced me to give up a child is not a topic open for discussion. And I’d be cutting people out of my life if I found out they were speculating on it behind my back. Thankfully that situation has not happened to me.
If you know I’ve been thru an emotional experience and you see me and I’m not crying, leave the subject alone. If I want to talk I will bring it up.
Some of the things you are upset about just aren’t about you. Try to look at those from a different way it isn’t personal to or against you. It just isn’t about you. Those are other peoples lives and announcing it to people and digging up their emotions isn’t on their minds. I kind of think IMO you’re off base about those things.
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 25, 2023 14:23:14 GMT
Honestly, I would not bother asking. What is to be gained --- 1. you will probably doubt if she is telling you the truth 2. the relative is dead so it's not like you can meet for coffee and talk. I do wonder, though -- why are they lying? Is there a real reason they have chosen to ignore the rest of their family? I don't pretend to be a therapist, but my mother has been obsessed with, for lack of a better phrase, "appearing respectable" my entire life. I think she believes that if anyone found out anyone in our family was divorced, had kids from prior marriages or relationships, etc. they would think less of her. The irony is that, because my mother is so obsessed with appearances and secrecy, she mostly cut us (me) off from the small amount of family we had, and does not have a single friend. I guess that is her set of decisions to make dor herself, but it has not been great for me. |
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Oct 25, 2023 14:54:10 GMT
I would tread a little lightly because the relationships on the DNA sites are just guesses based on percentages of shared DNA, so a 1 cousin 1x removed could be a 2nd or 3rd cousin or something completely different. I would start by looking at any other shared matches and maybe reaching out to see if they knew the person. Some of the sites let you see the amount of DNA shared with the shared matches - those are good for this type of research.
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