Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,647
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Oct 31, 2023 3:46:18 GMT
I have dealt with two malignant narcissists in my life. Truly the only way is no contact. I tried gray rock and it met with limited success. I finally went no contact for my own sanity. I wish you peace. It's really weird at first, anticipating the next punch, but once it sinks in that they can't reach you anymore, it's a wonderful feeling. You don't even understand the stress you're under until it's gone.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 1, 2023 11:44:21 GMT
wordsmith It's time you value yourself more than the hopes of keeping the peace. You deserve better than the life you are living by maintaining contact. You will need to go cold turkey with her. I would tell her you are done via text or message, then block her. Get a Ring doorbell or similar so you don't answer the door if she shows up. You matter. Keep repeating that to yourself.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 1, 2023 12:25:41 GMT
I've heard good things from friends about the book Boundaries I have a little pocket book called "unfuck your boundaries" that I've found helpful in setting limits within and/or ending relationships with people. It's hard to do both, as you note -- you know very well that your mother raised you in ways that make it so she knows exactly what buttons to push, because she installed them herself. Good luck in finding your peace.
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penny8909
Shy Member
Posts: 39
May 18, 2018 5:21:38 GMT
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Post by penny8909 on Nov 1, 2023 13:13:05 GMT
I'm sorry. I'm not sure this will be what you are looking for, but this is how I handled something similar.
1. I Learned to tolerate the anxiety of making someone else unhappy. This was the key. Accept that it isn't going to be easy. I was either going to be miserable dealing with the person or the anxiety/guilt of cutting them off. It's hard but gets easier as time goes by. I don't think anyone can tell you how to do this. It's a choice. It's not a good choice, but it requires a complete belief that you are worth it.
2. There is a difference between anxiety and guilt. The former is that awful uncomfortable feeling - guilt is an appropriate reaction when we do something morally wrong. Reminded myself of that during the early months. I had the right to cut this person off. I had the right to be OK, to put myself first.
3. I had to accept that I was never going to have the fantasy family that I always craved. My parents were never going to be ok. My siblings were never going to be ok. The big happy family was never going to happen.
3. For me - cutting off completely was the only thing that worked. I imagined hearing that the person had died. How would I feel? In fact, during the estrangement the person died. I did not regret my action. I had to form a little shell around my heart. I still don't regret it.
4. I told the person face to face. This is it. No more phone calls, no contact. If you show up on my property I will call the police. I changed my phone number to an unlisted (land lines back then.) When someone asked me about them, I said "we are estranged." Nothing else.
5. This changed the family dynamic. Holidays changed. Other people couldn't have both of us in the same place. I proactively notified relevant family that this had happened at my instance and that I did not expect them to make a choice - I would stop attending Thanksgiving for example. I did.
I'm now in my 70s and will always be a little sad at what happened but I do not regret it. Good luck.
PS. I believe that therapy can help you form the resolve and believe in your right to be ok, but it's generally not a therapist's job to give advice on how to do anything. At some point, we either do it or not and that's on us.
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Post by peasapie on Nov 1, 2023 13:45:35 GMT
I remember my therapist telling me that people like this understand one thing: actions. They don't believe or hear words we say, threats etc. They look at those as opportunities to argue and be oppositional. What they understand is actions.
So how did that look like in action for me?
I stopped telling her the truth about why I didn't want to get together and started just saying I was busy. I stopped explaining and just became unavailable. I didn't threaten anything; I just did it.
There is a lot of information out there about toxic families. Read through it and see if you recognize any of the cast of characters in those readings.
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Post by Prenticekid on Nov 1, 2023 15:01:16 GMT
You don't really detach emotionally. At least prior to cutting the toxic person out of your life. Detachment comes with the peace you have after you've cut them out. It's kind of like a "ripping off the bandaid" sort of thing. Like many Peas described, it just got too toxic for me at some point, and I just walked away. This was after generally trying to put up boundaries, so I don't know if I'd call it cold turkey.
Once it was done and it was quiet, I started feeling it - that peace that people mentioned. I mourned the relationship. I'm still sad that it had to be that way. But, I'm pretty emotionally detached at this point. It just was not a component of setting the boundaries ahead of time.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 1, 2023 16:59:03 GMT
i think when your mind is truly to let go, it will. something will trigger the light switch to turn off and you will be done.
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