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Post by Tearisci on Nov 14, 2023 15:42:56 GMT
Feeling a bit sorry for myself today. Been divorced for 3 years and separated for 6 so it's not like this is new but certain days just hit harder.
I wouldn't go back and I'm generally happier than I was married. I can do what I want with no one criticizing or looking down on me. Living with a narcissist who is probably also a sociopath was hard. He was so charming in the beginning and as the years went on, he became more and more his true narcissistic self.
I usually look at my Facebook memories first thing in the morning but only went as far back as I my separation because that was when my new chapter of life started.
Divorced peas- do you ever look back on anniversaries with any sort of fondness? I hope I'm not alone in my feelings!
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,321 
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Nov 14, 2023 16:12:27 GMT
I'm sorry you're feeling down. Anniversaries don't bother me. I miss certain things, no doubt. My running joke is if I could blend what I love about dh and xdh, I'd have the perfect man for me. Trade offs and pros and cons helped me cope. It's not always black and white.
I had to be careful not to romanticize the past in the early days, so I repeatedly reviewed my values, life goals, and boundaries and looked forward rather than became bitter for "what could have been".
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Post by scrapmaven on Nov 14, 2023 16:14:01 GMT
I'm just thinking of the horrible things he did and hoping that you'll be able to turn this around and celebrate yourself. You deserve every bit of happiness.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,020
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Post by mimima on Nov 14, 2023 16:20:24 GMT
Hugs and good strength.
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Post by gar on Nov 14, 2023 16:44:34 GMT
I’m sorry you’re having a hard day 🫤
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Post by mom on Nov 14, 2023 18:36:50 GMT
I am sorry you are struggling today. I am divorced (over 20 years ago) and no, I don't look back now with any fondness. The further and further away from your divorce you will quit thinking about those bigger days. In my experience, those 'bigger days' were just a tiny fraction of the life we had -- a life that was not good for me. So I try to remember that yes there were good days, but the bulk of the marriage wasnt and that made it easier to move forward. Now? I wouldn't miss anything from my first marriage. There were too few 'good days' and compared to my life now? I am much, much better and happier. I hope you get that as well.
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Post by alsomsknit on Nov 14, 2023 18:42:12 GMT
No. Mine ex was abusive. Had I not left, he would have eventually killed me.
I celebrated when the divorce was final.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,847
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Nov 14, 2023 19:02:43 GMT
I dont really feel it on my anniversary.... but me n dh went to grandparents lunch at school for the grands and ex also went... so i have moments like that when i think what our family could've been like... or at birthday parties... or other like big family events... ill think of what might have been...
But i left for a reason!!
And when i see him make a smart ass remark to my son... or snap his fingers at 1 of my grandsons.. or hear him talk shit to his wife... i remember that yes this is why i left... and i dont see the bruises on her but he still drinks... soooo im sure she has them on occasion...
I have a great husband and a wonderful life... you will too 1 day... some days are harder then others... but i promise you are better today then you would be if you stayed... i truly believe that
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Post by Tearisci on Nov 14, 2023 19:13:53 GMT
I really don't think about it nearly as much as I used to. I used to remember exact dates- when he told me he wanted a divorce and now I know it's somewhere around our anniversary but I don't remember exactly. The last few years were not good and had I known I could support myself, I would have probably been the one to leave. We just always had the narrative that he was the strong normal one and I was the broken one in the relationship. Lots of things I would have done differently. But as I sit in my own place, with my own things, I know that this is the right place to be.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 14, 2023 19:25:49 GMT
you could flip the scrip and start celebrating the anniversary of being free of the narcissism. so, happy 3 year or 6 year anniversary to you!
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Post by mom on Nov 14, 2023 19:26:45 GMT
I really don't think about it nearly as much as I used to. I used to remember exact dates- when he told me he wanted a divorce and now I know it's somewhere around our anniversary but I don't remember exactly. The last few years were not good and had I known I could support myself, I would have probably been the one to leave. We just always had the narrative that he was the strong normal one and I was the broken one in the relationship. Lots of things I would have done differently. But as I sit in my own place, with my own things, I know that this is the right place to be. Thats huge! I am so proud of you! |
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Post by pherena on Nov 15, 2023 9:33:27 GMT
I've been divorced for 38 years (and married to the best man in the world for 25) and do recall a certain nostalgia, for lack of a better word, in the early years after my divorce. Even when you are better off after, it's still hard. Time will lessen those feelings and strengthen you as being in the right place, right now. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't wallow in it either. You are stronger than you know. Best wishes to you.
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Post by peasapie on Nov 15, 2023 11:59:07 GMT
My former anniversary is three days away. I am happy to be apart from my lying, cheating ex (sounds like a country song), but it always makes me sad to remember how much hope I had in the early days of the marriage and the happy times when our children were little.
No one is all bad, and I remember the good on my anniversary. We’ve gotten to the point where we text each other to wish us a happy used-to-be anniversary.
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Post by lisae on Nov 15, 2023 12:26:38 GMT
I think it is perfectly fine to remember the good times. Just don't let it drift into 'what if's.' And then get your mind back to all the positives in your present life.
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Post by jovifan on Nov 15, 2023 12:35:18 GMT
Every year is different for me.
Maybe because it’s ‘25’, which is a monumental time frame it’s hitting harder..?
For me it’s always confusing. The difficult years for me I mourn it, even though he was a narcissist and emotionally abusive. I cannot imagine being married to him anymore and how MUCH better I am without him. He continues to do a lot of crappy things. Yet I do still at times mourn the loss of that ‘family’. I’m sad my kids grew up most of their lives with a broken family.
And I think I mourn the failure. And then I remind myself, *I* didn’t fail, the marriage did. I gave it my all. And remind myself of the GOOD life I have now.
But yet I do get sad some years. So I think I know what you feel and mean.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,032
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Post by scrappyesq on Nov 15, 2023 14:29:19 GMT
One year post divorce and yes I did look back on our anniversary this past May. Fondness? Yes. We had a beautiful wedding. But also anger. I put my heart into every detail because I wanted the world to see how much we loved each other. Clearly a lie on his part.
For some reason Thanksgiving last year was fine. This year I’m struggling. This will be the first time since we separated that I’m not just cooking for me. When we were together I tried to make it special for him because his family was so cruel to him during the holidays (as was mine to me). The last year we celebrated he didn’t want me to cook much and he was gone a large portion of the day. It only just occurred to me that he was probably with his affair partner.
These moments of anger or sadness catch me off guard. They are infrequent but I certainly experience them.
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Post by Tearisci on Nov 15, 2023 14:53:58 GMT
Thanks, everyone! this was the easiest year yet but it just hit hard on the day and the fact that it would have been our 25th was kind of a milestone. We did have a good marriage for a while and I could do many things that I probably wouldn't have been able to do like travel, eat out, etc. I support myself with help from my family (I rent from my sister), but it's not the same lifestyle that I had. That being said, I am much more at peace now that I don't have to worry about being nitpicked or not living up to his expectations. It's really for the best and I wouldn't want to go backward.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 16, 2023 2:44:20 GMT
I look back on much of my marriage with fondness. Yes, he turned out to be an asshat and in hindsight I carried 90% of the load, but I was generally content and happyish.
Definitely have no desire to return to him, but I do sometimes miss the family unit.
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Post by Tearisci on Nov 16, 2023 15:24:09 GMT
I look back on much of my marriage with fondness. Yes, he turned out to be an asshat and in hindsight I carried 90% of the load, but I was generally content and happyish. Definitely have no desire to return to him, but I do sometimes miss the family unit. I think this is me as well. I miss the family unit. I miss my in-laws even though they comment on everything I post on FB. It's just not the same. I miss friends that I lost in the divorce. I don't have any desire to return but there were good times and I didn't think that I would end up divorced even though it's the right thing. |
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Post by Mel on Nov 16, 2023 15:48:50 GMT
I was just thinking about this recently actually. Jan 1, 2024 would have been my 30th anniversary. Like you, I wouldn't change the way things have turned out, I am SO much happier, and I am in a much better place. But yeah, there's a little twinge of something when I think about it. Not really sadness... just something... HUGS!!
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