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Post by Merge on Nov 21, 2023 20:02:50 GMT
My mother in law is here for Thanksgiving. She tries to make herself a very easy guest, but today I need just zero interaction. Still, I spent the morning with her and my daughters and now I am hiding in the den. I feel guilty. DH feels no guilt at all about disappearing when his mother is here, so I often feel like I have to make up the difference by hanging out with/entertaining her. Today I just can't.
I've been a little depressed and anxious and forced interaction does not help at all with either one.
What do you do when you have a guest but don't want one? lol
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Post by Zee on Nov 21, 2023 20:06:00 GMT
I go to work, but maybe that's not an option--tell her you have an appointment and then go sit in the park or at a bookstore? Tell her you have a pretty bad headache and go lie down and read?
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Post by dewryce on Nov 21, 2023 20:06:32 GMT
The only people that stay with us are very familiar with my mental health issues so I tell them I need to not people for a while. And DH takes over for us.
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 21, 2023 20:56:56 GMT
I run a lot of errands, inventing a meeting or appointment so that they don’t tag along. When the kids were in school, I’d often volunteer when my MIL came. I could hide out in the copy room and not talk to anyone.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 21, 2023 21:01:39 GMT
Like dewryce I have always been just really upfront about my mental health needs. Far better in my opinion to say you've hit your limit and need a break than to invent something to have to leave your home for. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Nov 21, 2023 21:04:49 GMT
Oh I feel for you. I have the same problem as a guest whenever we go visit my MIL. Once you’re downstairs for the day you are expected to be down there until it’s time for bed at night and she stays up LATE! The last time we visited we were there for a week so I had to go upstairs and decompress for a half hour every day. I just went and did it without any explanation, luckily my son still naps so I used putting him down as an excuse.
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breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,919 
Location: PNW
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Post by breetheflea on Nov 21, 2023 21:06:51 GMT
We don't have very many overnight guests, but I when we did (my sister and her very hyper toddler son) every time I'd try to go hide in my room, my sister would follow me, and then I'd have all four kids (my three and her one) and her in the room with me. I had a lot of "oops need to go grocery shopping" moments that week. Then I'd run out to my car and drive off before my sister could invite herself to go with me! I hear Starbucks is nice this time of year  Good luck! |
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Post by ~summer~ on Nov 21, 2023 21:18:54 GMT
I would just hide out in my room and say I needed to nap or something
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Post by cecilia on Nov 21, 2023 21:31:32 GMT
With my aunt, I just get up and leave if she's bothering me outside. Usually tell her that her cigarette smoke is bothering me and she leaves me alone for a bit.
If not that,I invent an errand. I don't trust my Mom's extended family enough to be upfront about my mental health. (If you saw my Facebook post about medical trauma and being made fun of, was taking about my Mom and her family).
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Nov 21, 2023 21:41:03 GMT
I’m sorry you’re struggling. My immediate family each need alone time and I didn’t realize how much until I had long-term guests. I’m usually okay for a couple days of entertaining but anything longer and I have to run an errand or just go lie down (I usually say I have a headache, which often is true) and read. I tried buying some crafts or activities to keep the guest busy on their own but that hasn’t always worked out.
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Post by smasonnc on Nov 21, 2023 21:53:01 GMT
I once grabbed one of my own pie plates and "returned it" to a neighbor because I needed to not listen to my MIL talk for just a few minutes. It doesn't solve your immediate problem, but those 15 minutes sure were nice.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 21, 2023 23:26:38 GMT
don't feel bad about needing alone time. it's exhausting hosting a guest and the guilt of feeling like you have to entertain them or interact with them the whole time they are there. excuse yourself for a "Target run" or something. take the time to recharge.
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Post by Merge on Nov 22, 2023 0:17:50 GMT
Thanks all. I spent much of the afternoon in my room "taking a nap" and then made a quick grocery run for forgotten items. Now I have wine and will probably survive the evening.
MIL also gets antsy because I don't have anything for her to do to help with dinner, and her getting antsy makes me antsy. Honestly I have a tiny kitchen and there just isn't room for two people to work.
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Post by epeanymous on Nov 22, 2023 0:20:26 GMT
I'm sorry. I always have *a lot of work at work* when my inlaws are in town, but also they don't stay in my house and that helps a great deal.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,847
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Nov 22, 2023 10:37:07 GMT
My mom comes for the winter... i love her more then life but the couple months she is here is a huge disruption.... she takes over my car to see all the family and friends.. so dh n i are sharing his truck right now.... then she constantly wants to help.. she wants to "go to town" for some random reason... but she gets sad when i dont want to go with her... she tries to make me feel guilty about not practicing her religion anymore... she doesnt want to eat dinner late but we get off work at 6... so i tell her you can make this or that and eat n we will have it when we get off.. which really would be help because then i wouldn't have to do it... but she doesn't want to do that UNTIL i get home and start then shes like ohhh i was going to do that... here let me help... ughhh she ONLY watches espn or the game show network... she has a tv in her room but she wants us all to hang out... but i dont want to watch that or even have it on in the background as noise...
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 22, 2023 13:25:37 GMT
I once grabbed one of my own pie plates and "returned it" to a neighbor because I needed to not listen to my MIL talk for just a few minutes. It doesn't solve your immediate problem, but those 15 minutes sure were nice. My sister would do this! She's say mikklynn needs to borrow the crockpot and she'd head out. I learned my DDIL needed alone time at our house when they visit, so I'd tell her just go upstairs and relax. I'm not offended. I think this is why I was so stressed at my parent's house. I couldn't get 5 minutes alone. My mom couldn't understand it. |
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Nov 22, 2023 16:11:07 GMT
Honestly? If they were just there for a couple days over the holiday I would do the whole "suck it up buttercup" and spend as much time with my guests as they needed. Like another poster though, anyone who comes and stays with us are folks we are very familiar with so the thought of making up white lies to get away from them isn't my style and to some extent a little rude. I visited family in Canada this summer. While I was there i was left alone numerous time and it was so bloody awkward. They didn't have cable etc. I had no access to transportation and just basically my iphone and who can sit and stare at that thing for a hour? Don't invite me to your home for a visit to stare at the walls. I say all this with the background of being open before visits. My family know that when they come to visit me I will not skip church services for example. I will be there Sunday night and Wednesday night. I invite them along, and if they stay home I provide options for them. I suggest local restaurants, the coffee shop, where a good place to walk is, and i give them keys to a car. I make sure they have passwords to my TV streaming services. In the same way be honest with your mother in law and have things in place so that she's not visiting her son's family in once sense, but actually finding herself alone in a room because everyone needs "away time". I would also pay attention to the time. A 30 minute break is one thing (a nice hot bath for example) vs a 2 hour walk in the park.
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Post by Merge on Nov 22, 2023 16:51:53 GMT
Honestly? If they were just there for a couple days over the holiday I would do the whole "suck it up buttercup" and spend as much time with my guests as they needed. Like another poster though, anyone who comes and stays with us are folks we are very familiar with so the thought of making up white lies to get away from them isn't my style and to some extent a little rude. I visited family in Canada this summer. While I was there i was left alone numerous time and it was so bloody awkward. They didn't have cable etc. I had no access to transportation and just basically my iphone and who can sit and stare at that thing for a hour? Don't invite me to your home for a visit to stare at the walls. I say all this with the background of being open before visits. My family know that when they come to visit me I will not skip church services for example. I will be there Sunday night and Wednesday night. I invite them along, and if they stay home I provide options for them. I suggest local restaurants, the coffee shop, where a good place to walk is, and i give them keys to a car. I make sure they have passwords to my TV streaming services. In the same way be honest with your mother in law and have things in place so that she's not visiting her son's family in once sense, but actually finding herself alone in a room because everyone needs "away time". I would also pay attention to the time. A 30 minute break is one thing (a nice hot bath for example) vs a 2 hour walk in the park. I hear you, but also I need the two hour walk or its equivalent. LOL. MIL is very rarely left alone and, if she is, she has not only her phone but her Kindle and a crochet project and the puzzle we’ve all been working on together, in addition to the TV. She also makes herself quite at home in my kitchen and will bake something - she loves to bake - after checking that I don’t need the ingredients for something else. Today DH and DD took her out with them to run errands and have lunch, so I have a few hours to myself and everyone is entertained. Bliss. Truly we all love her and welcome her with open arms. But I also need to protect my mental health. |
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Nov 22, 2023 18:35:58 GMT
I used to get stuck with x mil when we visited or they visited. The guys would do things together.
I finally started going with the guys because I liked them more.
Not the same, I know.
In your situation, I would ask DH not to leave me as the sole host for very long.
I also will just take off walking outdoors, weather permitting, when I need a break. No explanation. I just leave.
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Post by auntkelly on Nov 22, 2023 19:15:05 GMT
Whether I'm the guest or the host, I don't have any problem saying something like "I'm a little tired. I'm going to go to my room and read for a little while."
I don't feel any need to make up any excuses to spend a little time on my own.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 22, 2023 20:14:23 GMT
I feel you - my MIL is in town for at least 10 days. It's not so bad when the kids are here, but next week when they go back to school, it's tough. Don't hesitate to take some me time - it's better for everyone! It's nice that you MIL wants to help - I have the opposite problem and it wears on me. I usually walk and walk so more - it's good for my mental health and I get some alone time.
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Post by dewryce on Nov 22, 2023 20:50:39 GMT
I feel you - my MIL is in town for at least 10 days. It's not so bad when the kids are here, but next week when they go back to school, it's tough. Don't hesitate to take some me time - it's better for everyone! It's nice that you MIL wants to help - I have the opposite problem and it wears on me. I usually walk and walk so more - it's good for my mental health and I get some alone time. I agree with this completely. Without me time I would be stressed/anxious most of the time they’re here, or we’re there. But if I can take the break I need I find that not only do I enjoy the visit more, I’m much more engaged while I am spending time with others. Merge I’m glad you got the break you needed! |
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Post by lucyg on Nov 22, 2023 21:02:41 GMT
Whether I'm the guest or the host, I don't have any problem saying something like "I'm a little tired. I'm going to go to my room and read for a little while." I don't feel any need to make up any excuses to spend a little time on my own. yeah, this. “I need to go lie down for a little while” is a complete sentence. I’d also have a follow-up response ready for any relatives who want to follow you into your room. Like, “No, sorry, I meant I need to lie down ALONE.” |
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Post by peano on Nov 22, 2023 22:41:21 GMT
@merge, every time I read this thread title, I see "When you have a houseplant but need alone time". I thought, wow, Merge must be a serious introvert to need quiet time living with a houseplant.  The last time my MIL visited, alcohol for both of us was helpful, but I guess if you're talking 10 a.m. that doesn't work so well. |
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Post by smasonnc on Nov 22, 2023 23:31:43 GMT
The last time my MIL visited, alcohol for both of us was helpful, but I guess if you're talking 10 a.m. that doesn't work so well. The mention of alcohol to my MIL precipitated about a half hour explanation of why she couldn’t drink, including a treatise on drug interactions for her various health conditions, complete with an oral history of when each began and how it was diagnosed. A simple, no thank you would have been preferable. |
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