Help me drum up some patience - PVM

Caring for elderly parents is HARD. Especially if they aren’t cooperative and are difficult. Consider yourself validated and don’t beat yourself up so much.

I don’t think your sister is doing the right thing by encouraging her diva behavior regarding food. What happens one day if neither of you can make it for whatever reason. That was a bad path to follow.

It is one thing to be bringing her food and entirely another having specific foods demanded.  I would tell her that she has the option to eat what the facility provides if she doesn’t want what you brought.   I would be bringing whatever I was having and would consider special requests with enough advanced notice.  She would have never let you dictate meals like that when you were growing up, would she?

I’d get her Uber Eats gift cards for Xmas and let her have at it!😀

I'm on the lack of patience bench with you. My dad is the MOST patient person in the world. My next sister got ALLLLL of the patience and myself and youngest sister didn't get ANY. My mom also doesn't have any. I just find it so hard to give give give but my sister makes is seem so easy. I KNOW it's not easy but I'd like even a thimble full of it if she could spare any.

Good luck and know you are not alone in this. There are lots of us out there like you. Thankfully there are ones like your sister too. It's hard being the one without the patience.

It is hard. I do the main care for my 93 year old mom with mild dementia. I'm considered a patient person, but there have been times that I've not been so patient with her and felt so damn guilty. I feel for you 100% and then some.

It is her impatience that I get upset with. She's very demanding. An example is she tells me the leaves in the yard needed raked on a Tue. My son usually does that chore and his days off are Sun and Mon. So I tell her that it will have to wait until he is off. So what does she do, she calls a neighbor up the street to come and do it and not tell me. Son son goes and buys a new blower to help do a better job of it this year and headed over to her house only to find the leaves had already been done. Grrrr!

What helped a little with me was having a frank conversation with her. I told her I loved her very much and would do anything in the world for her, but that she had to understand I was only one person, that I was not a spring chicken myself any more and that I have a lot on my plate. She said she didn't want to be a burden. Told her she wasn't a burden, but she had to learn patience as I could not always jump. Its been better, but from time to time I have to remind her.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your mom and tell her between work, family, holidays etc, you need to have a little understnading and compromising.

{{{Hugs}}}

No one "has to" bring her food.
When step-fil was in the hospital, he decided he wasnt eating any of the hospital food, so MIL ran around every day making sure he had dinner and a donut for the next morning. That is insane. I might bring something if I were going to visit and it was a meal time, but I wouldnt do it for every meal.

When you're taking care of your parents you have to set boundaries for everyone. This is tough stuff. In a sense, you are the adult. W/a full time job and kids you cannot be expected to fulfill every whim. So, you are doing all that you can do. Don't feel guilty. That your sister has a different point of view and is more patient w/this stuff isn't a reflection on you. Some people are meant to be caretakers. You do what you can do and let her do her thing. There's no ruler.

Your parents are getting good care and you're a large part of that care. That's what matters. No judgement. Yes, try and stay calm and remind yourself that what you're feeling is normal at this point. You are doing all that you can for your parents. NO GUILT!

I agree with what the others have said, being a caregiver is very hard. Hang in there and take it day by day. My sister and I did it, working together on what we each could do and working individually on what was easier for each person (me - the financial; her - the medical). I would sit with your sister and discuss the meal issue and what can be done about it, then have a frank discussion with your mom about what limits you guys are putting on. While she may not like the food and trust me it's not always great (we had issues also at dad's rehab), there is limits to how much anyone can do. You may also need to talk to the rehab about what mom likes and can they adjust her food somewhat.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Patience is not one of my gifts/talents/whatever you call it.

I have a friend who says her husband has all the patience in the world and hasn't used any of it! (hope that makes you smile)