Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 30, 2023 12:09:23 GMT
I’m one of 8 children from a blended family. My dad had 5 kids from his first marriage, mom had 2 from her first marriage and I’m the only child from their marriage to each other. They divorced when I was 20 (30 years ago). Our family has stayed very close, live in a small town and are part of each other’s daily lives (except me who moved several hrs away geographically but still connected and ‘close’ to family)-my parents did blended family very well. One brother passed away about 15 yrs ago. My dad passed away this summer and we’re dealing with fallout from his will.
Essentially there was an original will that named all eight children (biological and step) by name, to split estate equally.
Will was revised to wording saying ‘split equally among my children, each receiving one sixth.’ No names used. The six children would be his biological children, not including his stepdaughters from his ex-wife’s first marriage.
Will revised final time after brother passed saying ‘split equally among my children, each receiving one sixth with passed brother’s share being split by brother’s children.’
Two sisters, my father’s step daughters, were not named in the will according to the attorney we used to help settle the estate. I have known this information for about 4 years as we dug into the estate in earnest when putting my dad into a nursing home. I am not the executor of the will. I did not tell my sisters about it because I didn’t think it was my position to tell them. I also assumed it would be hurtful to them so I guess I wimped out there as well.
Dad’s biological children voted to give stepsisters a smaller, though not insignificant, sum of money from the estate. Sisters are mad and much family drama has ensued on their part because they think the biological kids were wrong to not split the estate equally, eight ways. This is directed mainly at me because they feel I should have told them about the will (all bio kids knew, I think they just figure I had more of an obligation because we share a mother?) and they feel I lied in not doing so. To be clear, I never talked to sisters about the will period. I’m not the executor. But because I knew, they are upset I didn’t tell them they weren’t in it.
Would you have voted to split the estate equally, eight ways including the stepchildren? Would you consider splitting your share only, equally with the two sisters (dad’s stepdaughters, my half-sisters)?
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Dec 30, 2023 12:32:57 GMT
Yes if everyone was close and interacted as one big family I would divide equally. And if remaining as such is important then definitely divide equally among all. The children of the deceased brother would receive one share to be split between them.
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Post by supersoda on Dec 30, 2023 12:37:53 GMT
I’ve been in a similar situation and we added the excluded sibling back in and shared the estate with her. We had to have the agreement of all heirs to do so.
There were a couple of reasons for doing so. First we thought it was fair. Second, we were concerned she would contest the will otherwise. The estate was already very messy and we didn’t want any more complications.
You definitely need the advice of a lawyer, because there may be some sticky legal issues. Our estate lawyer described us as having big estate problems with a little estate.
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Post by busy on Dec 30, 2023 13:07:02 GMT
I can only say what our family expects to do. My mom and stepfather have been married for 40 years (since I was 10). I have two stepfathersBROTHERS lololol and one biological brother, who are all older than me. We didn’t grow up together (they’re all older than me and my stepbrother always primarily lived with their mom) but they are still my brothers.
Our parents have excluded one stepbrother and his family from their will/estate plan. The other three of us know that, the excluded one does not. The three of us are all in agreement that when they pass, we will split four ways, not three.
We are the ones who will still be here and have to deal with the aftermath. It will be hard enough for him to learn our parents excluded him; if we do too, that could be the end of our relationships with him and his family and none of us want that.
It honestly makes me angry that our parents think it’s fine to create such an ugly situation for us to deal with after they’re gone.
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Post by bbkeef on Dec 30, 2023 13:20:33 GMT
Split equally. I am the only child of my dad. But he was step-dad to my mom's first 3 kids. Since I'm the youngest, I grew up with my sister and 2 brothers and they were treated as my dad's children from day one. At the end of the day, my dad's estate was so small that it was a no brainer to just split 4 ways. I did keep his Corvette and when I sell it, I will split those proceeds too. Mom's estate was even easier because she had a very detailed will. She split it 4 ways. Good luck on your decision. I know this stuff is not easy.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 30, 2023 13:20:54 GMT
[quote author=" busy" source="/post/4050444/thread" timestamp="1703941622"iIt honestly makes me angry that our parents think it’s fine to create such an ugly situation for us to deal with after they’re gone. [/quote] I don’t know if I’m angry with my dad’s choice but I definitely don’t understand it and wouldn’t make the same decision myself. The only reason I can imagine for him making the decision is that both of these sisters will inherit a significant amount of money from a different way/family member that the rest of us will not. Factoring that in, I still wouldn’t make the choice he made. But it wasn’t my choice to make. We do have a lawyer involved who we believe has given good advice about how the will was written. |
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Post by disneypal on Dec 30, 2023 13:38:42 GMT
Personally, I think it would be best to split it evenly 8 ways.
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Post by littlemama on Dec 30, 2023 13:41:45 GMT
Did your father continue to have the same relationship with the stepchildren after the divorce as before? If so, that is wild to exclude them.
If not, well, I get his point- he hasn't been a "parent" to them for 30 years and he has no obligation to them.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 30, 2023 13:42:31 GMT
It honestly makes me angry that our parents think it’s fine to create such an ugly situation for us to deal with after they’re gone. That's the part I never understand. I've seen lovely families where everyone basically gets along just fine torn apart by contentions over inheritance. Money can make even the nicest of people act ugly. |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 30, 2023 14:17:32 GMT
Personally, I think it would be best to split it evenly 8 ways. We voted anonymously on what to do and it’s done. It was not unanimous so more than one person disagreed with giving them anything. Of course I only know how I voted. I don’t find any value in sharing with my sisters details of the vote because I think it would cause further problems. Yes, he continued to have a relationship with them after the divorce. Believe me, I validate the hurt feelings. I would not make the choice he made. |
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Post by compeateropeator on Dec 30, 2023 14:21:00 GMT
I would vote to split 8 ways. However, is your Mother still living? What is going to happen with her estate? Will (was) that be split 8 ways? If not I might rethink my answer.
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Post by auntkelly on Dec 30, 2023 14:51:05 GMT
It’s a messy situation. I don’t necessarily agree with your father’s choice, but it’s easier to understand, now that you’ve added that the step sister’s are going to inherit a large amount of money from another source.
I think the step sisters are being unfair to you and your siblings. You said your dad left them a significant amount of money, though it was a lesser amount than he left his biological children. That was his decision to make. It’s not your fault the will was written that way. The stepsisters are essentially asking the other siblings to give them money. I think they are putting their step brothers and sisters in an unfair situation. They shouldn’t expect their siblings to undo their stepfather’s decision.
I doubt they will offer to share their inheritance from their biological family with their step siblings.
It’s too bad that money always brings out the worst in everyone.
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,159
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Post by lindas on Dec 30, 2023 14:52:04 GMT
I would vote to split 8 ways equally. If the 2 sisters that were left out decide to contest the will it could be tied up in the courts for years and everyone will lose some part due to the legal fees incurred.
DH’s youngest brother decided to contest his mom’s will even though it was equally spilt between all three of them because he felt he was he was entitled to keep her house. When it was finally settled he walked away with a lot less then he would have gotten because of legal fees.
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Post by littlemama on Dec 30, 2023 14:53:17 GMT
If they are set to inherit a substantial amount from another source, I dont think I would have voted to give them anything. Maybe a token amount, but they shouldnt know how much the estate was worth
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pinklady
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,538
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Post by pinklady on Dec 30, 2023 15:49:30 GMT
I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter. Your dad was of sound mind when he changed the will and specifically stated 1/6th. These were your dads wishes and while you may not agree with them, that’s what he wanted. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when surviving family members go against the expressed wishes of the dead person.
I also think you had the opportunity years ago when you found out to ask him why he made the change. At least you could have had a reason for your sisters after he died. If your family was as close as your post makes it out to be, you should have known they would be pissed if at you. But since the 6 of you couldn’t come to a unanimous decision, I suspect your family wasn’t as close as your post makes it sound.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Dec 30, 2023 15:54:00 GMT
How close to your dad were your half sisters, especially given that your parents divorced 30 years ago?
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 30, 2023 15:54:04 GMT
My mother and her three sisters had so much conflict in their relationship over will stuff (and not even that much money) that for relationships I would split it among everyone evenly.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 30, 2023 16:23:53 GMT
I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter. Your dad was of sound mind when he changed the will and specifically stated 1/6th. These were your dads wishes and while you may not agree with them, that’s what he wanted. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when surviving family members go against the expressed wishes of the dead person. I also think you had the opportunity years ago when you found out to ask him why he made the change. At least you could have had a reason for your sisters after he died. If your family was as close as your post makes it out to be, you should have known they would be pissed if at you. But since the 6 of you couldn’t come to a unanimous decision, I suspect your family wasn’t as close as your post makes it sound. I learned the details of the will when we were admitting him to a nursing home because his Alzheimer’s had advanced to the point he needed skilled care. So, no, at that point we could t ask why he made the choice he did. He had the will drawn up easily 10 years prior to that. |
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Post by busy on Dec 30, 2023 16:36:19 GMT
It honestly makes me angry that our parents think it’s fine to create such an ugly situation for us to deal with after they’re gone. That's the part I never understand. I've seen lovely families where everyone basically gets along just fine torn apart by contentions over inheritance. Money can make even the nicest of people act ugly. In our family, it's not the money, it's the exclusion that I think would damage our relationships. The reason he and his family were cut out of inheritance is because they're conservative. The other two brothers and I also disagree with that brother and his family politically, but we are all able to have good relationships with them. Our parents, on the other hand, are jerks about it and they cut him out because of it. I'll note that the brother and his family never start political shit within the family, but our parents (especially my mom) do. I know that brother will be hurt by the exclusion because it's basically saying they love him less because he doesn't agree with them politically. And they aren't telling him about their estate plans while they're alive, though they've told the other three of us, which is jacked up in its own way. If the three of us didn't split with him, I think the message would be we agree with our parents that he's not really part of the family because he doesn't agree with the rest of us. And that's gross. Also, on a practical level, he and his family could use the inheritance more than any of the rest of us, so it feels doubly cruel to not split when the time comes. I don’t know if I’m angry with my dad’s choice I wouldn't be angry - just puzzled - if I didn't know the reason. The reason is what makes me angry, and that they don't have the balls to deliver the message while they're still alive but are fine dropping a bomb amongst the four of us after they're gone. |
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 30, 2023 16:41:12 GMT
Honestly, it would depend on my relationship with my step siblings and their relationship with the dad.
Sometimes parents do it because the steps will inherent from their biological dad, so they would not need as much. Sometimes it would be because of a relationship.
I guess I wonder why you guys disclosed they were getting a smaller amount
Couldn't you have just given them the $ without them knowing how much you got?
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 30, 2023 16:49:19 GMT
I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter. Your dad was of sound mind when he changed the will and specifically stated 1/6th. These were your dads wishes and while you may not agree with them, that’s what he wanted. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when surviving family members go against the expressed wishes of the dead person. I also think you had the opportunity years ago when you found out to ask him why he made the change. At least you could have had a reason for your sisters after he died. If your family was as close as your post makes it out to be, you should have known they would be pissed if at you. But since the 6 of you couldn’t come to a unanimous decision, I suspect your family wasn’t as close as your post makes it sound. This is how I feel. In addition, unless the stepsisters are willing to divide the inheritance that they will eventually receive from their other family members I would feel no obligation to share. |
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Post by Restless Spirit on Dec 30, 2023 17:07:35 GMT
It’s complicated..
When my mother died, I was her executor. I discovered only my name was her CDs (along with her name). Only one CD had Mom, me and my older sister’s name). It was a small amount, something like $10,000. I felt it was “the right thing to do” to give my sister half of the much larger CDs. There ended up being tax implications for me. I owed taxes on what I gave her. I just, “ate” it, and kept my mouth shut. I also took no executors fees, which I could have. Fast forward to when my brother died. Sister was his executor. He had a very sizeable estate. The estate was to be shared equally. Then I received the final estate papers. It was a simple, straightforward estate. Dear sister took close to six figures in estate fees. I still think that was a shitty thing to do, considering I gave her far, far more than she was entitled to from Mom’s estate. Now I know why my mom gave me more money. I guess she knew what kind of a person my sister was more than I did.
Moral of the story - if someone wants to divide their estate in a certain way, or want a certain type of funeral or don’t want a funeral - who are you to change what they decided. Odds are you have no clue what went on between those people. Changing things - let’s be honest you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better. I deeply regret changing what my mom wanted. It wasn’t right. And I feel very guilty for not following her wishes.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 30, 2023 17:12:33 GMT
If the three of us didn't split with him, I think the message would be we agree with our parents that he's not really part of the family because he doesn't agree with the rest of us. And that's gross. All that makes sense. Well, it doesn't make sense, you know, but I do understand it. Thanks for the explanation. It adds another dimension to the discussion going on here. People are endlessly interesting, aren't they? |
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Post by sawwhet on Dec 30, 2023 17:14:12 GMT
This happened in dh's family. There are 6 biological children and one unofficial child who they took in around age 17. They called each other brother/sister. She called dh's parents "mom" and "dad". Her husband and children were involved in all family activities/holidays.
Dh was executor of the MIL's will. It was to be split 6 ways. The bonus adult child was left out after being around for 25+ years. Dh gathered the brothers/sisters minus T and decided to take a vote. All the siblings voted "no" to letting T have money. Dh was floored since many of them were quite close to T.
Once the home was sold and the estate was settled, T clued into what had happened. No one told her anything. Dh isn't really close to T because he'd already moved out of town when she moved into his parent's home but the rest of them were there.
She unfollowed everyone on FB (including the kids) because she was so angry. She never spoke to us again. SIL sent her a Christmas card once and T sent it back stating she didn't want to receive anything again. Dh's one brother went over to T's home and gave her a $10,000 cheque. She cashed the cheque and never spoke to him again.
Funny thing....T friended one brother on FB who is actually an as* and voted to give her nothing. He probably lied to her to smooth things over.
Do what you are comfortable doing but realize there may be consequences.
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Post by busy on Dec 30, 2023 17:14:25 GMT
It’s complicated.. When my mother died, I was her executor. I discovered only my name was her CDs (along with her name). Only one CD had Mom, me and my older sister’s name). It was a small amount, something like $10,000. I felt it was “the right thing to do” to give my sister half of the much larger CDs. There ended up being tax implications for me. I owed taxes on what I gave her. I just, “ate” it, and kept my mouth shut. I also took no executors fees, which I could have. Fast forward to when my brother died. Sister was his executor. He had a very sizeable estate. The estate was to be shared equally. Then I received the final estate papers. It was a simple, straightforward estate. Dear sister took close to six figures in estate fees. I still think that was a shitty thing to do, considering I gave her for more than she was entitled to from Mom’s estate. Now I know why my mom gave me more money. I guess she knew what kind of a person my sister was more than I did. Moral of the story - if someone wants to divide their estate in a certain way, or want a certain type of funeral or don’t want a funeral - who are you to change what they decided. Odds are you have no clue what went on between those people. Changing things - let’s be honest you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better. I deeply regret changing what my mom wanted. It wasn’t right. And I feel very guilty for not following her wishes. You said you kept your mouth shut. She didn't know you paid the taxes or didn't take the allowed fees for administering the estate. You didn't communicate, that's on you. How is it fair to her to expect her to reimburse you or do the same kind of thing as you when she didn't even know? Administering a sizable estate can be complicated and time-consuming. My brother was the PR for our dad's estate and he paid himself as allowed by law and I absolutely do not begrudge him that. It was a lot of work for him over a long period of time. As long as your sister was following the law for what she was paid, I fail to see why that should be held against her. Her time is valuable, just as yours is. There's nothing wrong with being compensated for it as long as it was within the legal parameters. |
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Post by gryroagain on Dec 30, 2023 18:35:44 GMT
I agree with it being an uncomfortable mess for those living when someone excludes one or two family members. Whatever specific reason they had doesn’t really matter IMO because they are dead and the rest of the family has to go on living so the division and heartache caused is just pointless.
The fact they may (because as this situation shows, you never really know) have an inheritance somewhere else coming isn’t really a factor IMO.
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,373
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Dec 30, 2023 20:06:45 GMT
It would be so much easier on the remaining family if the deceased would detail WHY the will was written the way it was. Might make it easier for everyone to explain/understand instead of guessing and not knowing the reasons.
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Post by librarylady on Dec 30, 2023 20:26:05 GMT
I would have voted split evenly 8 ways. This would work towards family harmony, especially since all of you live near and interact often.
I don't think one person should split their share. That is unfair to the person sharing.
I am sorry your father created ill will and disharmony
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,664
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Post by Rhondito on Dec 30, 2023 20:28:00 GMT
This happened in dh's family. There are 6 biological children and one unofficial child who they took in around age 17. They called each other brother/sister. She called dh's parents "mom" and "dad". Her husband and children were involved in all family activities/holidays. Dh was executor of the MIL's will. It was to be split 6 ways. The bonus adult child was left out after being around for 25+ years. Dh gathered the brothers/sisters minus T and decided to take a vote. All the siblings voted "no" to letting T have money. Dh was floored since many of them were quite close to T. Once the home was sold and the estate was settled, T clued into what had happened. No one told her anything. Dh isn't really close to T because he'd already moved out of town when she moved into his parent's home but the rest of them were there. She unfollowed everyone on FB (including the kids) because she was so angry. She never spoke to us again. SIL sent her a Christmas card once and T sent it back stating she didn't want to receive anything again. Dh's one brother went over to T's home and gave her a $10,000 cheque. She cashed the cheque and never spoke to him again. Funny thing....T friended one brother on FB who is actually an as* and voted to give her nothing. He probably lied to her to smooth things over. Do what you are comfortable doing but realize there may be consequences. This hurts my heart. People really show you who they are when it comes to money. |
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Post by mom on Dec 30, 2023 20:41:14 GMT
I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter. Your dad was of sound mind when he changed the will and specifically stated 1/6th. These were your dads wishes and while you may not agree with them, that’s what he wanted. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth when surviving family members go against the expressed wishes of the dead person.
I also think you had the opportunity years ago when you found out to ask him why he made the change. At least you could have had a reason for your sisters after he died. If your family was as close as your post makes it out to be, you should have known they would be pissed if at you. But since the 6 of you couldn’t come to a unanimous decision, I suspect your family wasn’t as close as your post makes it sound. I agree. I would be pissed if I had knowingly left someone out of my will and then the estate decided to do what they wanted anyway. OP's dad had his reasons, even if no one knew what they were. Respect his wishes. And to the other 'problem' of OP not telling anyone what she knew about the will, I would not have told either. It wasn't her job to tell & discuss with everyone her father's financial decisions. If he wanted them to know, he would have told them. |
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