zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884 
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 16:47:58 GMT
My older daughter takes on the personality and beliefs of whoever she is with. That means she is now an anti-feminist, MAGA believing and voting gun-toting woman. She was the polar opposite just a few years ago. She's also found Jesus (which is fine... even in this atheist family), but she is not stepping up to the plate when it comes to parenting... she has one very troubled child out of three (the one that isn't biologically hers) and refuses to make dad step up. I'm scared for the other two kids. It's that bad. He's hurt the little one, probably many times (he's only two). He's hurting the pets. You get the picture? My daughter can't and/or won't deal with this effectively. Both he and our only granddaughter are 9. I'm told I have to back off or she'll cut me out of her life, thus I lose access to my grandchildren.
The troubled kid was raised for several years by his bio mom who has now "dumped" him (she no longer seeks visits... she is active military and has moved from WA to VA) with his dad and my daughter (his now real mom). Unfortunately during time with bio mom he was unsupervised. He and his brother may have seen porn (brother definitely did and has molested his half-sister), got hold of mother's weapon and shot tv, lord knows what else. B, the child my daughter has in her care. He has had no health care for a couple of years due to his mother not sending her info (he's on her military insurance)... I wanted them to get him inpatient when I found out he was hurting toddler and animals, and he also lies constantly. But they wouldn't even try. I'm terrified he's going to find one of many guns they have, or find matches/lighter, or some such thing. He's showing serious mental illness tendencies. Doesn't help that I worked with youngest kids in state mental health hospital.
Anyone with insight? Talk me down? Validate me? Either way.
EDITED for length and clarity
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 16:54:48 GMT
I have two daughters. One is impressive, but sadly she lives at home still in her early 30's, due to multiple health issues and disabilities... many the same as mine. She is sharp as a tack, but I am terrified for her future; I have no idea what lies ahead for her once her dad and I are gone. She can't live alone and finds new relationships difficult. She has some very close very old friends. My other daughter takes on the personality and beliefs of whoever she is with. That means she is now a damn anti-feminist, MAGA believing and voting gun-toting woman. She was the polar opposite just a few years ago. She's also found Jesus (which is fine... even in this atheist family), but she is not stepping up to the plate when it comes to parenting... she has one very troubled child out of three (the one that isn't biologically hers) and refuses to make dad step up. I'm scared for the other two kids. It's that bad. He's hurt the little one, probably many times (he's only two). He's hurting the pets. You get the picture? My daughter can't and/or won't deal with this effectively. Both he and our only granddaughter are 9. I'm told I have to back off or she'll cut me out of her life, thus I lose access to my grandchildren. The troubled kid was raised for several years by his bio mom who has now "dumped" him (she no longer seeks visits... she is active military and has moved from WA to VA) with his dad and my daughter (his now real mom). Unfortunately during time with bio mom he was unsupervised. He and his brother may have seen porn (brother definitely did and has molested his half-sister), g ot hold of mother's weapon and shot tv, lord knows what else. His bio mom has also "dumped" his baby half-brother with his bio dad (she is a serial cheater, each child with a different man, then if she can get the man to take the kid does so). But my worry is B, the child my daughter has in her care. He has had no health care due to his mother not sending her info (he's on her military insurance)... I wanted them to get him inpatient when I found out he was hurting toddler and animals, also lies constantly. But they wouldn't even try. Terrified he's going to find one of many guns they have, or find matches/lighter, or some such thing. He's showing serious mental illness tendencies. Doesn't help that I worked with youngest kids in state mental health hospital. Anyone with insight? Talk me down? Validate me? Either way. I am only going to address the two things I have bolded. 1. what gun did he get ahold of? A military issued gun? 2. If he has insurance and she is not providing the information, you can contact her commanding officer and file a complaint. Dont know her commanding officer? Then call the base she is at and start complaining to whoever answers the phone and dont stop til someone gives you the info. The military very much dislikes when parents are not taking care of their responsibilities. |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 3, 2024 16:54:51 GMT
Please call CPS.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 17:09:46 GMT
My understanding is that yes, it was her military issue weapon. She is military police. Her ex, my daughter's current, should know to call her commanding officer. He was in the military too. That's where they met, I believe. He now works for the post office. Works 60-70 hours a week, thus rarely home.
I won't call CPS for one reason only. I had it done to me. Twice. And it almost destroyed me. My daughter is so fragile... we know there is an age when a child can decide where to live for themselves. Other daughter and I are looking into this. It might be as young as 10. Granddaughter is miserable at both mother's and father's houses... hoping to get her here for spring break... get some more insight. She is incredibly mature. I need to talk to her. She is safer at her father's, but it mentally kills her there. Daughter is really capable of only parenting one child at a time effectively.
I am in an awful position. If I call CPS, daughter will know it was me. Even if it wasn't, she'd always think it was. Damn it. That's why I was pushing hard for B to be inpatient... get an assessment. Please don't judge me harshly... I had doctors try to take my younger daughter away from me... I will never recover from that... it changed me forever...
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 17:15:11 GMT
My understanding is that yes, it was her military issue weapon. She is military police. Her ex, my daughter's current, should know to call her commanding officer. He was in the military too. That's where they met, I believe. He now works for the post office. Works 60-70 hours a week, thus rarely home. I won't call CPS for one reason only. I had it done to me. Twice. And it almost destroyed me. My daughter is so fragile... we know there is an age when a child can decide where to live for themselves. Other daughter and I are looking into this. It might be as young as 10. Granddaughter is miserable at both mother's and father's houses... hoping to get her here for spring break... get some more insight. She is incredibly mature. I need to talk to her. She is safer at her father's, but it mentally kills her there. Daughter is really capable of only parenting one child at a time effectively. I am in an awful position. If I call CPS, daughter will know it was me. Even if it wasn't, she'd always think it was. Damn it. That's why I was pushing hard for B to be inpatient... get an assessment. Please don't judge me harshly... I had doctors try to take my younger daughter away from me... I will never recover from that... it changed me forever... If you aren't willing to do something about your concerns -- like call CPS or LE --- then you really should think about how destroyed you and your daughter will be when this child hurts or kills another person. I suspect you will really 'be destroyed' and 'changed forever' when you realize you could have stopped this and gotten him help but chose not to. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jan 3, 2024 17:20:03 GMT
Was your experience with CPS unfounded (don't answer that to us)? If so, then it is a very different situation.
The behaviors you describe are very disturbing and are classic behaviors for a multitude of conditions. The exposure to porn makes me concerned the child may have been sexually abused and nay then abuse your grandchildren.
Is the 2 year old in daycare?
Any chance you can alert the school the 9 year old attends? Will she?
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you report and your daughter withdraws the kids from you, they lose the person looking out doe them. If you don't, and the child does something to your grandchildren, you will never forgive yourself.Your grandchildren could be irreparably harmed or killed.
None of us know all the ins and ours if your situation. As a mandatory reporter, it is easy for me to say report it as it isn't my family and I can literally be charged with a crime if I don't. I have made numerous reports over the years. But I'm not in the situation.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 3, 2024 17:20:03 GMT
How are you gonna feel if that grandson badly injures or worse a little sister. You need to call CPS now.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,419
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jan 3, 2024 17:23:09 GMT
zella I understand your reasons for not wanting to call but you really need to think about how the littles are affected by this kid. They are living WITH him, SEEING this crap go down, EXPERIENCING it. It's not too late to save the little kids. Yes, inpatient would have been the "easiest" route but that's not going to happen unless the parent is willing for it to happen. Doesn't sound like your DD sees this as a problem and if dad isn't around to parent he doesn't see it as a problem either. Any chance you can get your grand daughter to come and "visit" long term? The baby would still be there to be harmed but she would be with you. If you could, I'd try to get the baby too. Try telling DD it's to make her life easier? It's a horrible situation to be in to see the writing on the wall, I think you have seen it just don't want to admit it, for what is ultimately going to happen down the line. Was the use of the mom's service weapon reported to her commanding officer? I'd think that would not be taken lightly by the military.
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Post by busy on Jan 3, 2024 17:26:07 GMT
My understanding is that yes, it was her military issue weapon. She is military police. Her ex, my daughter's current, should know to call her commanding officer. He was in the military too. That's where they met, I believe. He now works for the post office. Works 60-70 hours a week, thus rarely home. I won't call CPS for one reason only. I had it done to me. Twice. And it almost destroyed me. My daughter is so fragile... we know there is an age when a child can decide where to live for themselves. Other daughter and I are looking into this. It might be as young as 10. Granddaughter is miserable at both mother's and father's houses... hoping to get her here for spring break... get some more insight. She is incredibly mature. I need to talk to her. She is safer at her father's, but it mentally kills her there. Daughter is really capable of only parenting one child at a time effectively. I am in an awful position. If I call CPS, daughter will know it was me. Even if it wasn't, she'd always think it was. Damn it. That's why I was pushing hard for B to be inpatient... get an assessment. Please don't judge me harshly... I had doctors try to take my younger daughter away from me... I will never recover from that... it changed me forever... If you aren't willing to do something about your concerns -- like call CPS or LE --- then you really should think about how destroyed you and your daughter will be when this child hurts or kills another person. I suspect you will really 'be destroyed' and 'changed forever' when you realize you could have stopped this and gotten him help but chose not to. If you won’t report this to authorities that might be able to do something about the situation, I don’t know what you’re looking for from us. This is a situation that requires intervention beyond what any of you can do. The chances that this child will seriously injure or kill someone are high. Injuring little kids and pets is a serious warning signal. What’s worse - the stress of CPS or him killing your grandchildren or daughter? Take action. Now. This kid deserves help and the other kids deserve protection. Even if it hurts the feelings of the parents. |
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 17:28:20 GMT
Was your experience with CPS unfounded (don't answer that to us)? If so, then it is a very different situation. The behaviors you describe are very disturbing and are classic behaviors for a multitude of conditions. The exposure to porn makes me concerned the child may have been sexually abused and nay then abuse your grandchildren. Is the 2 year old in daycare? Any chance you can alert the school the 9 year old attends? Will she? You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you report and your daughter withdraws the kids from you, they lose the person looking out doe them. If you don't, and the child does something to your grandchildren, you will never forgive yourself.Your grandchildren could be irreparably harmed or killed. None of us know all the ins and ours if your situation. As a mandatory reporter, it is easy for me to say report it as it isn't my family and I can literally be charged with a crime if I don't. I have made numerous reports over the years. But I'm not in the situation. In FL, every adult is a mandatory reporter and can be charged for not reporting. |
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 17:44:57 GMT
How is CPS already not involved with them? A gun going off AND he's already abused his half sister? Please tell me someone reported the sexual assault to LE.
Also added: how is he getting his school shots if he has had no health care?
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 17:56:32 GMT
They aren't in Florida. The troubled child is 9. My granddaughter is 9 also but more like 14 in maturity. I'm hoping to get her here for spring break. Her father (i.e. daughter's ex husband) makes it very difficult for us to see more of her. He was an hour plus away for over a week and we got to see her for one day, not the extended three to four days with us paying all costs we were promised. Yes, we are hoping we can get her out of the situation.
Thor, grandson, is 2 1/2. He is where all my daughter's focus and energy goes. But she is blind to how much damage B could do, has already done possibly. Only after Christmas found out he'd hurt Thor multiple times and only then when she said she'd give him back a toy if he told her the truth. I know he's showing signs of early psychopathy. My husband and other daughter warn me if I push daughter any harder than I already have, she'll cut me out... I'm only hope for these kids right now. Other grandparents are hopeless. Both ex husbands and current fiances. Ex wife won't take B back. If I do call CPS, they may be useless anyway... the county where they live is not good for anything related to government services.
Best hope is to get granddaughter away if possible... let them figure out the rest... hopefully they'll come to senses. He does have a dr appointment in a few days at least.
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Post by hop2 on Jan 3, 2024 17:57:50 GMT
My sister went to court for custody of her step grand daughter and won joint custody due to stepsons drug abuse. They just filed and won joint custody because the mother was clean but she was still living with the stepson with drug problems
Not sure if that is an option for you or not.
But I sure as hell wouldn’t leave my grandchild in danger irregardless of what happens to me.
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Post by busy on Jan 3, 2024 17:59:59 GMT
CPS could be useless or they could save your grandchildren’s lives.
I can’t believe you’re not willing to try EVERY possible avenue to get all of those kids help.
This is a tragedy waiting to happen.
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pantsonfire
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Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Jan 3, 2024 18:00:44 GMT
If you do not call proper authorities you are enabling the behaviors of the boy.
I don't give a damn what happened previously.
You and other adults are fully aware of what he has done and you as adults are not doing what needs to be done.
Call authorities. Like yesterday.
Those kids need proper help.
The young girl needs help.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 18:00:49 GMT
How is CPS already not involved with them? A gun going off AND he's already abused his half sister? Please tell me someone reported the sexual assault to LE. Also added: how is he getting his school shots if he has had no health care? B's half brother abused his half sister. (unrelated to B). In another state. No idea on if it was reported. Gun shot was not reported to anyone to best of my knowledge. Daughter is anti-vaccine to a large extent, and has got some but not all of kids' shots. Granddaughter has them all thanks to dad. B had most before he was with daughter I believe. |
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pantsonfire
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Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Jan 3, 2024 18:02:31 GMT
They aren't in Florida. The troubled child is 9. My granddaughter is 9 also but more like 14 in maturity. I'm hoping to get her here for spring break. Her father (i.e. daughter's ex husband) makes it very difficult for us to see more of her. He was an hour plus away for over a week and we got to see her for one day, not the extended three to four days with us paying all costs we were promised. Yes, we are hoping we can get her out of the situation. Thor, grandson, is 2 1/2. He is where all my daughter's focus and energy goes. But she is blind to how much damage B could do, has already done possibly. Only after Christmas found out he'd hurt Thor multiple times and only then when she said she'd give him back a toy if he told her the truth. I know he's showing signs of early psychopathy. My husband and other daughter warn me if I push daughter any harder than I already have, she'll cut me out... I'm only hope for these kids right now. Other grandparents are hopeless. Both ex husbands and current fiances. Ex wife won't take B back. If I do call CPS, they may be useless anyway... the county where they live is not good for anything related to government services. Best hope is to get granddaughter away if possible... let them figure out the rest... hopefully they'll come to senses. He does have a dr appointment in a few days at least. That is not addressing the entire situation. Those kids need proper help and the boy needs a lot. Call authorities. |
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Post by papersilly on Jan 3, 2024 18:05:50 GMT
hurting toddler and animals is a huge red flag. please get help for him and protection for everyone else.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 18:05:52 GMT
I want daughter to make intervention herself, or rather, her fiance who is the bio father of the troubled boy. He NEEDS to do this. I really, really don't want to do something that may cause more distance, then how do I ever know if any of the kids are safe? Plus my ex son in law won't communicate with me, I don't think... then I may lose granddaughter too... my own FAMILY is telling me to wait... they claim I'm overestimating things due to my dementia. I don't know if my judgment is affected by my dementia... how could I?
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peppermintpatty
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Refupea #1345
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jan 3, 2024 18:05:52 GMT
Calling CPS is one thing but what recourse do you have since she is military police and this is a military issued weapon? I'm pretty sure the military will get involved.
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
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Post by pantsonfire on Jan 3, 2024 18:06:09 GMT
I am probably going to be pea piled on but...
Every time you come here with problems you always find excuses.
You need to take a step back and look at the big picture and get real help.
Enabling and hiding is not going to fix what is going on.
Excuses are not going to fix anything.
And you will all have to deal with the fall out if another is killed or seriously harmed at rhe hands of the boy.
And you on good conscience should do whatever can be done for that poor girl who was molested.
I don't care who your daughter is with.
Step in and get her help as well.
ETA stop putting this on your child. You are aware. Make the necessary calls.
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Post by busy on Jan 3, 2024 18:08:40 GMT
I want daughter to make intervention herself, or rather, her fiance who is the bio father of the troubled boy. He NEEDS to do this. I really, really don't want to do something that may cause more distance, then how do I ever know if any of the kids are safe? Plus my ex son in law won't communicate with me, I don't think... then I may lose granddaughter too... my own FAMILY is telling me to wait... they claim I'm overestimating things due to my dementia. I don't know if my judgment is affected by my dementia... how could I? This is not about you. It’s about protecting their lives. You can WANT the parents to do something all you want but all signs show they will not. FFS. TAKE ACTION NOW AND STOP WRINGING YOUR HANDS. This attitude is infuriating. |
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,464
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Post by casii on Jan 3, 2024 18:08:42 GMT
I'm sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but CPS needs to be called. This is absolutely gone past that point of calling CPS.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 18:15:55 GMT
Dealt with CPS 3 times. All unfounded. Kids never removed even for a day. Don't mind answering that. Just damn unlucky.
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 18:16:13 GMT
How is CPS already not involved with them? A gun going off AND he's already abused his half sister? Please tell me someone reported the sexual assault to LE. Also added: how is he getting his school shots if he has had no health care? B's half brother abused his half sister. (unrelated to B). In another state. No idea on if it was reported. Gun shot was not reported to anyone to best of my knowledge. Daughter is anti-vaccine to a large extent, and has got some but not all of kids' shots. Granddaughter has them all thanks to dad. B had most before he was with daughter I believe. I am going to have to walk away from this thread. But dear God. Please someone give a damn about these kids safety and the safety of others. Hell, give me their names and info and I will call it in so you can have some immunity. But someone has to step up and do the right thing, even if it's unpopular. |
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Post by mom on Jan 3, 2024 18:18:11 GMT
I want daughter to make intervention herself, or rather, her fiance who is the bio father of the troubled boy. He NEEDS to do this. I really, really don't want to do something that may cause more distance, then how do I ever know if any of the kids are safe? Plus my ex son in law won't communicate with me, I don't think... then I may lose granddaughter too... my own FAMILY is telling me to wait... they claim I'm overestimating things due to my dementia. I don't know if my judgment is affected by my dementia... how could I? This is not about you. It’s about protecting their lives. You can WANT the parents to do something all you want but all signs show they will not. FFS. TAKE ACTION NOW AND STOP WRINGING YOUR HANDS. This attitude is infuriating. As a society we want to get upset who innocent kids get hurt but no one will make the damn call.You can't have it both ways. It's one thing if you don't know whats happening and never have a chance to do the right thing. But it's an entirely different situation when you know whats going on and still give excuses. Ok, for real. I am walking away. |
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Post by Bridget in MD on Jan 3, 2024 18:22:17 GMT
I want daughter to make intervention herself, or rather, her fiance who is the bio father of the troubled boy. He NEEDS to do this. I really, really don't want to do something that may cause more distance, then how do I ever know if any of the kids are safe? Plus my ex son in law won't communicate with me, I don't think... then I may lose granddaughter too... my own FAMILY is telling me to wait... they claim I'm overestimating things due to my dementia. I don't know if my judgment is affected by my dementia... how could I? IMO you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think I would rather report (be safe) than sorry (have futher damage possibly done). If she suspects you whether you call or not, then at least if she cuts you off/out, hopefully she will be on someone else's radar who she CAN'T cut off. |
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Post by busy on Jan 3, 2024 18:23:34 GMT
This is not about you. It’s about protecting their lives. You can WANT the parents to do something all you want but all signs show they will not. FFS. TAKE ACTION NOW AND STOP WRINGING YOUR HANDS. This attitude is infuriating. As a society we want to get upset who innocent kids get hurt but no one will make the damn call.You can't have it both ways. It's one thing if you don't know whats happening and never have a chance to do the right thing. But it's an entirely different situation when you know whats going on and still give excuses. Ok, for real. I am walking away. All of this. These poor kids don’t have a single adult in their lives who puts their well-being first. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Jan 3, 2024 18:25:07 GMT
I'm not making excuses. I really don't know what to do as I am being told I'm overreacting due to my dementia. Please remember that although I write well, my judgment IS impaired. I have no clue who this little girl even is, or where she lives. I cannot in any way help her. It's something I'm hearing third hand. Otherwise I would. I am not making excuses, but rather trying to gauge if my thoughts make sense. So please don't scold me. Please remember I am in my 11th year of cognitive decline... I don't have the brain function I had... not even close... and I am being told I don't have the judgment either. So I question myself. That is why I came here with this issue.... because I DOUBT MYSELF and my abilities so much now. And I hoped to find a way I can stay in these children's lives, and my daughter's life (they badly need me... even if I am demented) but still help, stop what I see is occurring.
I am not all there. Please try to remember that. I am still smart, but nothing like I was, and I doubt myself, and my daughter and husband remind me that I am quicker to anger also due to my illness.
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Post by busy on Jan 3, 2024 18:31:17 GMT
You ARE making excuses.
Most/all of the rest of us on this thread do not have a cognitive impairment and we are almost uniformly seeing that this situation is dangerous and beyond what a family can deal with. Professional intervention is required. Wouldn’t you rather lose your grandkids temporarily because your daughter is angry than lose them forever because they’re killed by this troubled boy?
Your daughter and her partner haven’t even removed guns from their house after the boy shot a TV elsewhere. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING, regardless of what you want.
ETA: In re-reading this, I don't think I gave proper context to the cognitive impairment comment and it could be interpreted in a vastly different way than I meant. I am sorry for not phrasing it better the first time.
I should have said, "You don't need to second guess your concern about the situation because of your condition. Most/all of the rest of us on this thread do not have a cognitive impairment and we are almost uniformly seeing that this situation is dangerous. It's more than a family can deal with alone; professional intervention is required."
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