I get why women are often screwed over in divorce

Ugh, I'm so sorry. My divorce just about bankrupted me. I had to take out credit cards, borrowed money from family, and used their credit cards too. He had deep pockets and could afford to have it go on and on. I finally had to give up and just get out without getting what I was entitled to. We didn't end up going to trial because I couldn't afford it. My attorney was such a snake too and ran things up.

Worst experience ever.

I am just so sorry you are dealing with this.

Hang in there. It does suck. I don’t know about your jurisdiction but you probably have a decent chance of him being ordered to pay for at least some of your costs going forward. There is a large financial discrepancy and your stbx is responsible for dragging this out, not paying as ordered and causing increased costs. I know that doesn’t make it any easier but it will eventually get easier.

I’m sorry you’re still going through this. Hopefully you are in a state that gives you 50/50 of accounts even if your name isn’t on them.

My goodness that sounds stressful. Fingers crossed that the judge orders him to pay some of your costs.

Regarding your question about how people do this stuff. I really don't know. A relative is going through a divorce right now and she is on disability while her soon to be ex husband brings home over $100k/year. He's not paying anything towards their bills and is fighting her over the pettiest things like even getting her clothes and personal possessions out of the house. She took their travel trailer to a friend's property and has been living in the trailer with her son. It's an absolute mess and I shudder to think of what her attorney bill is going to be when it's all said and done.

Can work the other way around as well. My broter spent $28,000 on attorney fees when he divorced. The gal he was married to was a psycho. lol She wanted everything he had, including his underwear.

There are no easy answers. You have gotten this far. He needs to be ordered to pay some of your expenses now, Hopefully it should be addressed more towards the end or in the final decision!

Just to reassure you, that she has to prep for trial and all that. But, most divorce cases do not actually make it to trial and are settled prior. Hopefully, that will be your case if the terms are agreeable to you. So, hopefully it won’t be quite as $$.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will end though-eventually. And you will be sooooo much better off!

Don't be me!!! I just wanted rid of him SOOOOSOSOOSOSOSOOSOOSOSOSOSOSSSSOOOOOOO bad.

We divided things in a way that (I thought at the time) was livable to me. I accepted the state minimum of child support.

Well... let me tell you where that got me. I didn't do discovery. The sneaky snake had not just money, but had direct deposits still going from MY check to an account of his that he TOLD me was a college fund for my son. There were also "college" accounts we'd set up for his two kids (my steps) and they had his and their names (minors) on them "because there could only be two names."

When all was said and done, not ONE kid got a single penny from him for education. In fact, he signed his GI Bill over to my daughter and she used it for about a year before he got sent to Korea, and she had to set up year two. She met with the coordinator and found out that the way he had it set up (direct depositing the money into his account and giving her $200 a month stipend) was against the rules and could get her in serious trouble. This was in 2011/12 and he was pocketing over $1000 a month on her going to school. She had loans for the tuition. This is also how I found out (about 4 years later) that the "college funds" had become his cash. I showed the older kids statements that had their names on them that were in with my tax docs from before we were divorced. The accounts existed. He told them that they never did. Glad I had those statements.

In addition, I accepted state minimum child support. He also had another kid from a different previous wife and she was on welfare. Every couple of years, the state reviewed his income and increased his child support based on his income and the child's age/need. Because I wasn't on welfare, to get the same review, I would have had to pay for a lawyer. As it was, my head was barely above water. He didn't pay for anything other than the court ordered child support. Didn't see my son for years, has bought him a total of 3 presents for his birthday (none for Christmas) from 6-22 yrs. He didn't buy a pair of cleats, shorts, shirts, underwear- NOTHING. The only time he really had my son was when he was moving and the military would pay him extra per diem if my son was with him. He paid for no SAT's, no test preps. No college apps or visits. NOTHING. Not a single sports fee. He even PRORATED my son's last month of child support.

It still infuriates me... My guys son graduated the same year as my son, but is a year older. His divorce states that my guy had to pay for college. Get this... he also had to pay child support through the end of college, even though his kid was living on campus (that he was paying for.) He didn't have to, but he paid half (to the penny, the ex is ridiculous about it) of all sports gear etc, he paid for his first, and second car. All maintenance and repairs and insurance- kid is 23 and he's still paying for all that. He doesn't mind paying to support his kid.

Take the time to get what you are supposed to have. Especially because your ex sounds like a piker ass like mine.

Freaking alligator arms.

But you know what- I'm just so glad to be rid of him lol I know how hard it is to look down that road where even another week of dealing seems way too long. But it will be better!

I deleted my account several months ago but saw your post and didn’t see anyone else mention this so I recreated an account in order to respond.  

I’m not sure about your attorney, but many attorneys realize not everyone is in a position to replenish their retainer.  It sounds like this is something that is going to be addressed with the courts and hopefully there will be relief soon.  

But I suggest even then, you talk to your attorney and ask if carrying balance month to month is an option?  I’m involved in the billing process at the firm where I work and I’d guess 25-30% of clients carry a balance.  We do assess interest on unpaid balances, but it’s nominal and even much less than what credit card companies currently charge.  

When repaying, don’t pay $50 or $100 monthly.  Make a concerted effort to pay as much as you can…let them see you’re not trying to drag repayment over an indefinite amount of time.  

Many attorneys completely understand and it certainly cannot hurt to ask.  Your attorney knows your pay and knows you need funds to cover the cost of living.  

I once spoke with an attorney on the phone about the divorce I was contemplating (prior DH). It was funny--his voice and manner of speaking sounded like The Penguin on the old Batman TV show. He said:

Listen, lady. Women try to be nice. DON'T. His lawyers aren't going to let HIM be nice. First, empty out all the bank accounts. Take all of it. The courts will sort it out later. Then, find the meanest, hardest-hearted lawyer you can, and pay his bills promptly. Good luck.

I'll admit that I was taken aback. My divorce wound up being civilized and fair. But he wasn't being a jerk (family-show description) the way some of these guys are.

I could tell you stories. My divorce drug out 2-1/2 years mostly because he engaged in every type of pettiness he possibly could. We attempted mediation but it was declared a failure due to one party's inability to be reasonable - wanna guess who? I received a letter (among many) from his lawyer specifically addressing his desire for half my scrapbooking supplies. And he changed lawyers late in the game because his first lawyer had started limiting the number of times he would take his calls or respond to his emails because it was so excessive. He refused to help pay for a fairly expensive issue with a septic tank while I was still in the home despite the fact that he was insisting that he retain possession of the house - wouldn't you want to safeguard your investment? And do forth ad nauseum.

In reading many of the posts here, I realize I was very fortunate that my attorney required no payments past my retainer. He was willing to wait and be paid out of my proceeds from the divorce. (The only downside to that is that it's a really big number when you do it all at once. Ouch.) I did not follow all his advice which definitely resulted in some unfortunate consequences when it was all settled. But it involved quandaries for me about issues that I was not willing to pursue for the sake of my children. I still don't know if I made the right choices on all of it but I do know that I'm able to live with the choices I made so that's okay.

Hang in there, Just T. You're still in the awful part of it. One day, you'll be in the I survived it part. And then eventually, you'll be in the thriving part - and that will be a wonderful day!

I'm so sorry. This is why I agreed out of court to take on the medical debt in my name (which he could have been partly responsible for) and to not take the part of his 401K (which I only found out in court the true amount of) that I was entitled to. He made, literally, twice as much as I did. It felt especially unfair as he had used my Christmas bonus for a down payment on his brand-new truck a few months earlier (without my permission, of course) while I was still driving my 15-year-old 200K mile car.

However, it's now just a few years later, and I have a nice car + my own house, make almost as much as him, and get to go on all the weekend trips and vacations he refused to take me on. He makes the same amount that he did when we divorced yet the kids tell me he has to DoorDash on the weekends and buys all their clothes at TJ Maxx and Burlington. That's not shade for people who do that; it's just that he was very vocal on how jobs like that and discount clothing was "beneath" him when we were married. Considering he paid off all his debt-to-date just before we split and was making $100K at the time, it seems like he must have incurred an awful lot of debt in a very short amount of time in order to "lower" himself to doing those things. That + the tales I hear about his wife and what a very very short leash she keeps him on seems like karma to me.

Omg. I love that! I did not end up having to fork over scrapbook supplies but I hope I would have thought to do something similar to you.