|
|
Post by militaryspouse on Dec 18, 2014 18:14:20 GMT
Sorry for the annon account. All standard reasons apply.
I need to have a frank, real conversation outside of my head about being a military spouse. I know we have a few current/previous ones on here. I just need to be REAL. Can you relate? Any validation for someone having a bad day? Crazy how one conversation placed badly into the middle of your day can just strike a nerve. So my response, which I didn't have time to scream at the time, is here.
This lifestyle sucks. I'm tired of it. How much more can you ask of me or my family?
Why are we not allowed to say that? Why do people feel the need to say, "You know what you were getting into." I assure you I did not, but the naivete of youth will do that to you. I am tired of hearing "understand the mission vs. his love for you." You do it then. You send the Red Cross message because your child was near death in a hospital to be told "I can't really ask for leave and it sounds like she is going to live. You got this right?"
Right. I had this. I've had it for so &(*&)( long that I can't hold it anymore. I can't give up another job, another house, another set of friends. I can't watch you and your mission continually disappoint our children. I can't put a smile on and be that wife who does it all and worse is expected to do it all. Why is it alright for you to be selfish and continually put us second but all requests in the opposite direction are shot down? I used to be patriotic. And don't get me wrong, I still know how to hang a flag, when to put my hand on my heart, how to smile politely and nod. I've got the game. But how much more do I have to give? Is my country really going to appreciate that my children's relationship with their father is non-existent? And HOW DARE I ASK?? How unsupportive! How unpatriotic! You want a career too? The military didn't give you one... much like they didn't give DH a spouse. Again, we have to just accept that answer and not call it trite or offensive.
I've moved on average every 22 months for nearly 20 years. I've put off healthcare because I wouldn't be there long enough to get treatment. I've had just as many jobs as houses. My oldest had 7 houses by age 7. My spouse has an ungodly amount of deployed time only to be followed by 212 days of TDY the next year. And when I need to say that wears on a person, all you get is hate. Rudeness. Ungratefulness. "Why can't you be happy with your free healthcare, prescriptions and housing." "You got to see the world right along side of him" - except I didn't.
It is okay if I admit that this lifestyle sometimes sucks. It does not mean I can't see the good things. I'm not an idiot. I know others have it worse/different/same. I'm just talking about me. Today. Now. It sucks and your crap answers about "we'll get through this together" is bullshit. FRG? Please. Not every unit has one - and nope, it isn't up to me to start one. For what? So I can take care of another group of people who can't help me when I need it because see above. They are going through the same crap as me!! I can barely take care of me!
I like to be a Pollyanna too. I like to sing the "It's all going to be okay" song too. With lyrics such as "call me if you need anything!" "We'll get through this together!." BS. Ever been so new someplace that you literally have NO phone numbers for anybody local? Where the pizza delivery boy is your closest thing to a friend? It isn't easy. Stop your nonsense about it being easy. It isn't always. And more importantly, it's okay if we are truthful with that.
|
|
|
|
Post by kimmie75 on Dec 18, 2014 18:18:59 GMT
I am sending you a really big HUG. I don't know what to say...except "Thank you". It is families like yours that make this country great for families like mine.
Thank you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 18:21:14 GMT
Hugs. I was an army wife. I know what you mean.
|
|
|
|
Post by jinxmom2003 on Dec 18, 2014 18:21:14 GMT
Is the end in sight after nearly 20 years? Hang on. And HUGS!
|
|
valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,635 
|
Post by valincal on Dec 18, 2014 18:25:14 GMT
I really feel for you. I couldn't hack it. I grew up as a military brat and vowed not to date or marry anyone in the forces because I knew it would not be the life for me. I'm so sorry you're hurting and stressed and hope that circumstances can improve for you and your family. Is there any way your DH would consider getting out and starting a new career? I know there are others here who have experience and can give you advice and support. Take care.
|
|
MrsPea #2861
Junior Member
Posts: 89
|
Post by MrsPea #2861 on Dec 18, 2014 18:25:25 GMT
I'm sorry it's all piling on =[
On the bright side, feel better after getting it out?!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 18:27:14 GMT
Vent away. I can't begin to understand. Hugs.
I have what may be a dumb question - why does the military move people around so much? I've never understood that. Can someone explain?
|
|
|
|
Post by melissak on Dec 18, 2014 18:29:51 GMT
I am so sorry! I get the troubles you are going through. It sucks!
Hopefully after 20 years your spouse is about to retire soon. Maybe than you can retire to a place that feels like home and where you and your family can put down roots.
|
|
|
|
Post by gryroagain on Dec 18, 2014 18:30:01 GMT
Oh girl, I hear you. Sometimes for me it's the little things that are the last straw- innocent enough comments about so and sos bunco group has met for 20 years...I've lived 13 places in 20 years. I don't have a group of support like that, and never have. My life is really, really different from that of my extended family and friends, and they just do NOT get it. Most of our decisions about education (we homeschool), jobs (part time for me, no point trying a career) and family matters are due to this reality. My reality isnt like theirs and a lot of the time it seems they do t even attempt to understand. It's been nearly 20 years here too, and I am at my wits end these days, especially facing a job change in what will be my oldests senior year of high school.
I don't have any advice because I get bitter myself a lot of the time. Maybe we can start a club and have our meetings in Vegas!
|
|
|
|
Post by kmk1112 on Dec 18, 2014 18:30:33 GMT
Many of the things you said in your email are things I just don't understand about being in the military and being a military family. We have an Air Force base nearby, so I've known several Air Force families over the years, and I don't think I could do it, and wouldn't encourage my daughter to join the military or marry a military man for the reasons you've stated. Thank you for putting up with it!
|
|
eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
|
Post by eleezybeth on Dec 18, 2014 18:31:09 GMT
Sing it sister! I hear you. I agree. We haven't done this quite as long but have moved about as much. Our moves aren't normal but things change... You roll but I like to say I've been rolling so long I'm almost a square!
Hugs!
|
|
|
|
Post by jesslee on Dec 18, 2014 18:31:58 GMT
Big bear hugs to you.
I have been there too. I was a military spouse for 10 years. I had good days and bad days. The military is about the soldier and that is it. I learned some hard lessons during that time. I learned how unimportant I was. I wouldn't want that life on anyone. There are also good things about being a military spouse but for me it wasn't. Honestly the military was one of the major factors in my divorce. My ex changed so much and was unrecognizable from the person I married.
I completely understand. Let it out on here anytime you want. It just plain sucks especially when you don't have anyone to vent to.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 18:32:41 GMT
I am sorry. And yes, I completely understand. You said "for nearly 20 years" are you close enough to see the retirement light or still far enough out it looks like an oncoming train?
I do know getting close to retirement, but not there yet, ramped up the tension as the h worried about post military jobs. His worry about the future wasn't helping my stress with "today"
sigh. all I can offer is a virtual hug and a prayer.
|
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Dec 18, 2014 18:33:06 GMT
(((Hugs)))
|
|
|
|
Post by padresfan619 on Dec 18, 2014 18:34:50 GMT
I can't imagine what you go through on a daily basis. I grew up in a military now with a lot of military brat friends, so I would see some stuff. But I have never experienced it first hand.
It really bothers me when people say "you know what you signed up for" because it is so belittling. Really? Every person who either signed on the dotted line, or married a person in the military knew everything that would come along with the responsibility? That is as foolish as saying absolutes before having children.
I'm sorry that you are having a rough day. This time of year seems to magnify any stress x100. You are not alone in how you feel and I thank you for the sacrifices you and the rest of your family makes. I am not sure I would be strong enough to do the same.
|
|
|
|
Post by shanni on Dec 18, 2014 18:36:50 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm not a military wife, so I can't relate, but please feel free to vent here. I don't think any less of you or any military wife because of your venting. I honestly don't know how people in the military do it. I don't think you should just be expected to shut up and be grateful. They have asked SO much of you and your family. I'm sorry for the toll it's taken on you all, and wish there were something I could do to help. All I can do is offer cyber (((HUGS))) and tell you to feel free to vent whenever you feel like it. There is no judgement from me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Dec 18, 2014 18:42:20 GMT
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I will totally validate you.
We spent years moving constantly. When DH had 15 years in, we had lived in 13 different houses, with 12 PCS moves. And we had been 3 years at two places. I was about to lose my mind. We only have 2 children because I couldn't get the fertility care I needed, or DH was deployed so much. DS was in 4th grade before he attended the same school for consecutive grades. I used to enter fake phone numbers on the kids' school forms because I literally had no local emergency contacts. I'm 100% absolutely positive that it took so long to even guess that DS had Asperger's, much less get it diagnosed, because we moved so much. DD had to stop her competition gymnastics when we moved too far away from a real gym for her to train. When we were in Seoul, we would go days without seeing DH. Heck, weeks during an exercise or when North Korea would decide to get chesty. I also put off my own health care because it was just too big of an ordeal to deal with. Suffering was easier than navigating the military health care system. It was just pure misery and there was very little good for many years. Yes, years. I did it all. All the child care, potty training, birthday and Christmas prep, you name it. Then add in the fear that every time the phone rings and your DH is deployed, you both grab at the phone and dread picking it up. Just in case it's THAT call.
We have almost 25 years in the Air Force now. It is slightly better, but only because of the current assignment. And DH is just tired. I truly do love him and that's all that keeps me going some days. And I will say that I think the Army chews up it's people and spits them out with little regard for humanity. DH worked for the Army in Seoul and it was (literally) the most soul sucking job ever. My hats off to those of you who chose the Army.
Don't get me wrong. I could spell out all of the good stuff, too. And I probably will on another day. Yes, there are benefits to all of this. But at the end of the day, it's the life DH chose and I chose him. I had absolutely no idea of what I was in for or that DH would stick it out this long. We came in prior to the first desert war. The cold war era was alive and well then and it sucked, but it was a different kind of suck.
I hope you can get some peace knowing that others are in the same boat. And sometimes that boat is tiny and in a very stormy sea.
|
|
|
|
Post by coaliesquirrel on Dec 18, 2014 18:44:13 GMT
I'm sorry - not a military spouse, so I can't relate, but I can tell you all those things would make me *C*R*A*Z*Y* so you are 900% validated!! Maybe extroverts and ADD types (like my DH) would thrive on so many moves, meeting new people all the time, etc., but for me it would be beyond exhausting - and then to do all that w/o a spouse present? I honestly think it's too much to ask. I don't know enough about military life to know what they could do to make things better, but I really do feel for you, and I hope you can find peace somewhere in the chaos.
|
|
|
|
Post by FrozenPea on Dec 18, 2014 18:44:23 GMT
I am so sorry. I am a military brat of 21 years. I know it is hard. I have seen what my mom has gone thru. It sucks! It does affect the kids too. I have a hard time making close friends because growing up it seemed like whenever I grew close to someone it was time to move. I don't know my aunts & uncles & cousins. Didn't really know my grandparents because we never had time (and partly my dad could care less about family).
Hugs to you & your kids! It is a tough life.
|
|
basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,617
|
Post by basketdiva on Dec 18, 2014 18:47:29 GMT
"You send the Red Cross message because your child was near death in a hospital to be told "I can't really ask for leave and it sounds like she is going to live. You got this right?"
If this comment was made by your spouse then I am so sad for you. To not even ask is plain wrong. His answer puts his family in 2nd place and that would be very difficult for me to live with someone like that- be it military or any other job.
I understand your venting and am sending you hugs.
|
|
|
|
Post by compwalla on Dec 18, 2014 18:47:45 GMT
You are on the downslope of his career that encompassed the busiest ops tempo the military has ever seen. I get it. It's perfectly ok to be worn the fuck out.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 18:56:19 GMT
Vent away. I am so ready for this current job to be done and hopefully go on to something that doesn't contain 16 hour days. I totally have acid reflux from stress and feel lucky when I get to go to the dentist alone.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 18:56:46 GMT
All of those things are the reasons I was so glad that neither of my children chose the military. At one time my youngest wanted to be a Marine and actually went to PI but was medically discharged. At the time we were all disappointed for him but now I just thank God for that. I do not want that life for myself or my children and I do not know how you do it.
And the free healthcare comment...really? Free healthcare? I am pretty sure it's paid for when soldiers risk their lives, so yes there is a "cost"
|
|
|
|
Post by jonda1974 on Dec 18, 2014 19:05:57 GMT
Hugs to you.
Also thanks for the realism. Just recently started talking to a Navy Sailor, so having this perspective helps.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 15, 2024 5:03:29 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 19:06:29 GMT
Vent away. I can't begin to understand. Hugs. I have what may be a dumb question - why does the military move people around so much? I've never understood that. Can someone explain?
There are limited places people can be and work in the military. Some of those places are far from "home" (where ever that is) and are in areas that are harsh, have other unpleasant aspects to the job or provides experience that will be helpful in career advancement. By moving people around it means a few people aren't continually stuck in a harsh/unpleasant job for decades while someone else is in a softer job for their life or only a very limited set of people get the experiences that will enhance job promotion.
Frequent moving also means everyone is more "by the book" instead of developing local ways of doing things which can fracture a large institution.
I loved the time we spent in Italy but I wouldn't have wanted to spend 15-20 years there which is what would happen if there weren't frequent moves for everyone.
There used to be a saying "if the Army wanted you to have a family it would have assigned you one" Over time the military has gotten better about family needs (there was a time wives and kids weren't allowed in the commissary/grocery store!) But no programs will ever replace the presence of a spouse/parent.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sparki on Dec 18, 2014 19:15:17 GMT
I get you. You can certainly say it. In fact, 'shout it, sister!" I just got home from my spousal support meeting. Big hugs to you.
|
|
scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
|
Post by scrapngranny on Dec 18, 2014 19:15:30 GMT
Thank you for all you give for our country. I'm sorry your family has had to get the short end of the stick for your husband's career.
|
|
|
|
Post by PEArfect on Dec 18, 2014 19:24:16 GMT
I'm sorry. I hope his military career is almost over. My sil's ex-husband was in the military. She was told by one of his superiors "if the Army wanted us to have a wife they would have issued us one." She wasn't amused.
|
|
|
|
Post by jmd74 on Dec 18, 2014 19:24:54 GMT
I feel you! In January my husband will hit his 20 year active duty mark. He is choosing not to retire because he loves what he does and is good at it so I will support him. We have been lucky to have not too frequent moves( 5 years in Germany, 5 years in NC, 5 years in Kentucky). Right now we are in Hawaii and while it has been amazing career wise for my husband it has literally crushed my spirit. This place is awful! The schools are horrendous, so my children are suffering. I am not working while we are stationed here for a variety of reasons.
We are due to move as soon as my oldest graduates in May and we still have no idea where we are going. Seriously? They gave us a long list of overseas places we could go but I'm tired of being overseas. Korea, Germany, and now Hawaii. I am tired of those moves! They are exhausting!
Big hugs to you!
|
|
|
|
Post by Tamhugh on Dec 18, 2014 19:32:16 GMT
Is my country really going to appreciate that my children's relationship with their father is non-existent? And HOW DARE I ASK?? How unsupportive! How unpatriotic! I can't speak for everyone, but please know that I appreciate the sacrifices our military families make every day. I think that the job of being a spouse or child of our men and women in uniform has to be harder, in some ways, than that of those serving. I also know that most Americans feel the same way even if we don't express it often enough. I really hope that your DH is getting close to retirement and you will be able to reap the rewards you have all earned. God Bless and thank you for your family's sacrifices. |
|
