Only read if you have a teen daughter and want to waste time

I feel like this is maybe a circular thing- she isn't talking, you're mad, she isn't going to talk because you're mad, you're mad because she is pulling farther away.

What if just the 2 of you go out to lunch and just talk. Let go of the anger and hurt and talk to her. If something is wrong, maybe she would like to talk to a therapist.

Maybe you'd like to talk to a therapist about this as well to help you organize your feelings and get some advice about what to do.

If she is always like this, something is wrong. They do pull away and that summer before college is when they really pull away because they know they are going away and dont know how to deal with those feelings.

I truly feel for you, and I can understand how hurtful it must be. I would be devastated! I really hope you can all work things out.

I have to say though..... I am really very shocked that you grounded an 18yo for...... what? Staying in their room and not talking to you, or grunting at you? That is honestly quite ridiculous IMO. I'm sorry, I know you said to be gentle with you, but that part of your post stunned me. It really was the wrong thing to do. 

Talking in the car is usually easier, because they don’t have to make eye contact. It’s better when it flows naturally and if she doesn’t feel like she’s being interrogated with questions. What does she love? What can she talk about for hours? Try to get her talking about that subject and show interest in what she’s interested in.

When you did talk before, did you listen well? Be supportive? Or did she feel
Like was being judged? What changed when she stopped talking to you? When you mention to her that your feelings re hurt and you miss talking with her, what does she say? When you grounded her, what was that conversation like? It’s hard to offer suggestions to fix it without knowing why it changed. I personally don’t think grounding or punishment will work to open communication back up. Being a teenager is so hard and they can be really sensitive. They need to be reminded they are loved unconditionallly.

So, the whole “disrespectful” and grounding and being mad thing is only making it worse.

The biggest thing you have to remember is -
It’s not about you.

You have to react from a place of parenting - what does DD need? What is she trying to communicate to me with this behavior? Find the why of it.

You cannot react from a place of your emotions - this is hurting *my feelings* this is disrespectful *to me*

You are centering yourself when you need to center DD.

Has anything changed? Money troubles, marriage troubles, new job, different hours? Have you missed anything important? Had any fights?
What happened right before the change?

Oh, I would be furious, especially about the dishes. I would probably either cry, or more likely my anger would overtake my hurt and sadness and I'd let fly with some swear words. Which honestly is no better than grounding! 

I really and truly feel for you. I hope it's just a phase, and once she's left for college, she will most likely (hopefully!) mature and become a normal decent human capable of showing you love and respect. 

While punishing her for this behavior, is probably not a good idea, getting perks is not okay. Being disrespectful is not okay. You and your DH need to set very clear boundaries as to what you expect from her. Like she does not have start conversations, but she must engage with a complete sentence if she is asked something.

Whois paying for her out of state college? I would not be willing to foot that bill if she can’t be civil. Is she driving a family car? What other benefits is she taking for granted?

I do agree, do not take it personally, it is part flexing her independence, but you don’t have to be her doormat either. Your job as a parent is to teach her how to treat people.

Best of luck, it won’t last forever.

Hi there, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I DON'T miss it at all!

First, I'll agree with others that said to keep parenting, meet her where she is, even if it is an annoying obnoxious place. I'd also reconsider grounding - I'm sure you could write pages and pages but what floated to the top is that you miss her, and you miss actual interaction and you grounded her.

For what it's worth, my daughter and I didn't go through this, because of alot of outside things in our lives that were part of that time frame. My son on the other hand? OMG, he was my person. We did everything together, everything. It was essentially just he and I for alot of years, and we were very very close.

After about 17, he went from an annoying teen to an all out nightmarish terror. Anger, frustration, and alot of not talking, definitely not communicating. It was awful and broke my heart and I'm sure I vented about it here.

Six years later, he's 23, thriving and an amazing human. He and I TALK again. Like, really, really talk. I get random texts again. I'm so thankful to get to enjoy his sense of humor again (biggest thing ever!) Questions! Opinions! He invites me to drop in when he and his friends are out somewhere I like to go (granted I always pick up a round, and typically only stay long enough to join them for that round lol.)

I literally was in tears so many nights, and ready to put my fist through a wall on others (for the record I never did lol!) I have made peace with the fact that because we were SO close, when it was time for him to pull back a bit, he had to go further than just pulling back. He needed to light stuff on fire at times, and burn it down (again, not literally!)

All this to say, hang in, it does get better. And, give yourself grace, it's hard to be the punching bag and not say things or behave in ways you wish you'd handled differently once the dust settles, sometimes before the dust settles.

The Peas recommended a book to another Pea about the time we were struggling. For the life of me, I can't recall the name of it, and my kid and I survived, I passed the book on to another parent. Maybe someone here recalls. It had a funny title (if you aren't in the middle of it) sort of like Teenagers are Crazy... I'll look to see if I can find it. It was soooo good.

Edited to add book link: Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!: Loving... www.amazon.com/dp/0936197447?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

When my DD was 15-16, she was like this. I did put her in therapy, at her request. In terms of her talking to me, it didn’t improve a whole lot, but she seemed more comfortable in her own skin. I accidentally found out she had a girlfriend, and once I knew, it got a lot better.
She’s 18 now and still isn’t very chatty, but our relationship is a lot better than it was 3 years ago.

I’m sorry it can be a really heartbreaking time.

But if your end goal is a decent relationship you have to unfortunately put yourself aside and focus on her changing needs as she prepares to leave the nest. This is parenting a toddler on steroids sometimes. You can treat her with respect and ask for boundaries and chores expected of any adult in a household…but sadly at this point any overt parenting attempts at control/grounding/consequences not fitting natural choices will only backfire and make this worse most likely.

Most likely she is scared of the coming changes as well as also psychologically preparing to break with her parents to leave the nest…

It’s a lot.

Perhaps try to find more immediate/connected consequences

Ie if you don’t let us know your schedule, dinner won’t be waiting, if responsible for her own dishes/laundry etc

What’s the car/cell phone situation ?

For example as long as I’m paying cell bill I expect texts where/when the kids are so I’m not wondering/worrying. If there’s chronic abuse, fine they pay the next cell bill; if they won’t/can’t they lose for a month. Also found leaving for a weekend without telling them or texting really effective for them to see the other side of wondering/worrying/needing communication.

I’m not sure blanket grounding though will be effective how you want.

Hang in there, this shit is HARD.

After having raised three girls, I can truly sympathize with you. It hurts especially when you have been so close in the past. When you go out this weekend and are sitting together, maybe you could relay your innermost feelings to her by simply saying "I miss you".

This simple sentence may resonate with her and open up a true conversation. I don't think teens ever think of their parents as 'real people' with feelings. If she knows she's hurting you, perhaps it could help her understand how her behavior is affecting you and her dad.

I wish you all the best and hope that you and she have a happy weekend. Don't ever give up, Mom. I promise it does get better!

BTDT and it's infuriating. I totally validate you on that.

Something a therapist reminded me of - in addition to echoing what all the others have said here that it's not about you - is that she is likely testing you to see how much of a turd she can be and have you still love her. She's probably not doing it intentionally, but it's a test nonetheless. Also, you are her safe space. No, she wouldn't treat another adult like that because it's not safe to do so. She is reasonably sure she can safely treat you like that.

We see this all the time at school - parents tell us horror stories about the way their kids act at home, but that same child is a respectful, polite, model student with us. My kid was one of those kids, too. DH and I used to console ourselves that if she was going to act that way, better she do it with us than with a teacher or boss.

I have follow-up questions as I feel like there are parts of the story missing from your post that I need to understand before I give advice.

What do you mean by the two of you were "close" until a year ago? Close as in spent a lot of time/participated in activities together or close as in you regularly had heart-to-hearts with her? I would guess the former after reading the rest of your post but I want to be sure. If you meant the latter, then I think something must have happened to go from regular heart-to-heart talks and now she doesn't respond at all to basic conversation and you need to figure out what that was/is ASAP as it sounds like something traumatic.

The conversation with BFF is most telling, I think, and something that may be hurtful to hear but where you can start to (re)build your relationship with your daughter before she goes to college. If your daughter feels that way, whether or not it's true, you need to accept that this is her truth, at least for now, and see if you can find out the reasons behind those feelings. Do you have the capability to look back on her childhood and adolescence and see how she might feel that way even if that was not your intention at the time or now? Are you able to observe her with those authority figures and see how they interact and how it might differ from the way you interact with one another? Are you able to approach her in a nonconfrontational way to share how YOU feel -- not "You are acting differently." or "You are being disrespectful." but "I miss being able to hear about your life." and "I was doing XYZ the other day and thought about you." It sounds like it would be a good idea for you to model the type of relationship you want with her by acting that way towards her even if she currently does not seem interested or receptive.

I'm interested in your reasons behind grounding her for being disrespectful but not for avoiding household chores. I imagine that "being disrespectful" is a pretty vague concept for her and just continues to further her resentment and discontent while giving her consequences for a tangible task that she knows how to complete would make much more sense to her and not cause the hard feelings that she seems to be struggling with. It sounds like you are making illogical decisions based on your pain and hurt that are only furthering bad feelings on both sides.

If it were me, I would take away the grounding, apologize and explain why the grounding took place, share how much you miss her and worry about her, and then set expectations for household tasks and basic human decency as long as you can do that without crying, losing your temper, going on a tangent, etc. Please try not to tie your desires for your relationship with her with your expectations of her role as a member of society and your household. She needs to understand that feelings are not facts, and even when someone is having a hard time, they can't stop doing chores, going to school, etc.

Good luck! I know how hard it is to parent a teenager.

Grounding her for not talking is over the top. I had a horrible childhood and my dad would hit and punish me because he said I wasn't being respectful of him. Well, respect is a 2-way street. I'm not saying you haven't been respectful of her but it might be worth it to sit down and listen to her. Just listen, don't say a single word. Ask her to be honest with how she feels about your relationship. Listen, really really listen. Don't be judgemental, don't list all the things she has done wrong.

You need to apologize for grounding her. You grounded her because she feels like you haven't been there for her or raised her and so she is lashing out. You grounded her because she doesn't know how to talk to you. That sounds like an issue that BOTH of you have.

I don't know why some have said she isn't doing things around the house.  OP never said any of that.  Don't pile that onto the conversation that she needs to have with her dd.