caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459 
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 12, 2024 3:20:18 GMT
I totally understand this is a place of privilege and a first world problem. I'm going on year 17 of being a SAHM (mostly). Financially I do not have to bring in a set amount any pay is purely extra. My DH will support whatever I chose.
TL;DR- if you were a SAHM for a long time what did/will you do after?
Details:
I'm "that" PTA mom. My kids are a sophomore and freshman in HS. I'm in my 2nd yr of president of the HS PTO, also on the PTA Council for the district and just joined the board of the district foundation with a group of PTA people hoping to revive it.
Although I've taken a step back to focus on my kids, I still have a small national role with my sorority. I take 3-4 dance classes a week at a studio I've been with for 10+ yrs.
Lastly I sub at my kids old elementary school (was an elementary teacher before kids, been subbing since youngest was in 1st) a few days a month for a few regular teacher that set up dates ahead of time. Could easily do that more. I mostly sub 4th grade and this year's batch has scarred me this year. It is just a rough group and has me hesitating to bank on this as the majority of my time commitment in the future.
My son just got his license so that will gradually change my carpool responsibilities. Due to my daughter I'm committed to continuing for the rest of the school year and will reevaluate in Aug.
I'm an ambivert and realizing that I need a little more regular social interaction but also want flexibility for traveling and kid responsibilities and household responsibilities.
I've got 2 bathrooms that need to be renovated and I will have to oversee that project when I finally pull the plug and make it happen.
Parents and IL live with in 30 min with out traffic. They are early to mid 70s. Healthy and active but slowing. Both couples are still together and travel a few times a year.
I am a planner and I'm feeling lost regarding what comes next when my kids become more independent as young adults.
At one point I thought of getting a certificate/AA(?) in bookkeeping cuz I've really enjoyed being treasure/financial advisor for multiple groups but not sure I'm really interested in starting a business from scratch or working for someone.
I haven't explored tutoring since after school is when I have the least amount of time due to carpooling kids, sports events and meetings.
I've considered working at my dance studio at the front desk or admin/manager but again they want after school times (understandably) so may explore once my kids are out of HS.
So if you were/are in a similar situation what did/will you do? If you are a SAHW how do you stay fulfilled?
I just found out a female acquaintance who is the bread winner (C suite type of job) found out her SAHD husband (retire from police force many yrs ago) has a p0rn addiction and part of the issue (but not the only part) is the lack of purpose in his daily life (kids are HS and college). I don't understand or condone the excessive p0rn but understand the feeling of lack of purpose.
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Post by Linda on Mar 12, 2024 3:44:48 GMT
I've been a SAHM since 2001. I've never had a real job - just retail and fast food minimum wage type jobs before that.
My youngest and only child still at home is 17 and a high school junior. I'm reasonably sure I'm not returning to the workforce in the fore-seeable future for a variety of reasons.
I scrapbook, I sew, I research genealogy. I read. I cook and bake and make bread and occasionally can. I've done some indexing of genealogy records and that's something I see myself doing more of in the future. I'm the keeper of the calendar and the answerer of questions - my older two (23 and 32) call often to ask what they call "stupid question hour" but of course they aren't stupid questions just things they don't know or want input on. I cook and clean and organise (and declutter). I'm not currently actively volunteering but I have in the past (pre-covid) and may in the future if I can figure transportation out (I don't drive). I keep the household running so DH can focus on work and on his hobbies. Travelling is something we're trying to do more of - DH and I are going to England and Scotland for 2 weeks in October - but also more local day trips/staycation stuff...
But I'm an introvert and don't need/want a ton of social interaction.
Good luck figuring out what you want to do next
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 12, 2024 3:56:03 GMT
lindaLike you I have all the hobbies too!scrapbooking, reading baking, crafting, planting (DH says I don't actually garden just plant things and then they are in their own, which isn't wrong 😆). And the calendar is my BFF! Love "stupid question hour" 😆 I have a few friends who are in a similar situation but I'm not good at seeking out 1:1 activities like doing lunch or coffee. Something I want to get better at.
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pantsonfire
Pearl Clutcher
Take a step back, evaluate what is important, and enjoy your life with those who you love.
Posts: 4,762
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Post by pantsonfire on Mar 12, 2024 4:13:53 GMT
Been a SAHM for 21+ years. I know my circumstances are different than most here, but I will still be a SAHM indefinitely. And when the time comes for DS to be part of a private group home 75% of the time, I will then be a SAHW.
I have zero desire or pull to get a job or start a career.
My kids needs and the stuff I have to handle to get them proper care and make sure they receive their services is enough stress for me.
I have my close friends (all who have a disabled child), take riding lessons, go on nature walks, scrapbook, bake/cook (looking for local cooking classes), walk the dogs, and am looking forward to volunteering again at the Children's Hospital. My goal is to be a NICU or PICU rocker/snuggler/play mate. I was previously one on the Oncology/Hematology unit and worked with a few ISO babies/young children under Child Life Specialist.
I say find something you want to try or are interested in and give it a go. Heck, you could even take college courses to expand your knowledge or learn something new. I had several older adults (60+) in my French classes as gen ed classes. They said it kept their brains active and young. One gentleman was on his 3rd language! He loved to travel.
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Post by jackietex on Mar 12, 2024 4:49:05 GMT
I've been a sahm since I was about four months pregnant with my oldest, which was almost 34 years ago. I feel like I would only be able to get a starter job, and I doubt my back and knees could handle it. Plus, I don't think I have someone dictating my time after all these years.
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Post by Zee on Mar 12, 2024 6:21:33 GMT
I just had to comment that it's quite a leap to go from being bored to being addicted to porn--I literally lol'd--he could have joined a gym or volunteered at the SPCA or something.
Like I can't believe that's his excuse. Sir, that is not a thing. You just like porn, it's ok to admit it. Let that flag fly. Show the wife some moves and get her on board that train too. 🤣
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Post by smasonnc on Mar 12, 2024 12:46:13 GMT
I was the first lieutenant to "that mom" when I stopped working at my corporate job after my kids were born. Years later, many of those moms are killing it in Real Estate because so many of the skills cross over: drive, people skills, exceptional organizational abilities, creative problem-solving, etc. These women had impressive skill sets, but the corporate world was not impressed because they were "just moms" and "hadn't worked." Their loss. In Real Estate, no 25-year-old can tell you that your skills are outdated if you deliver results. We moved a couple of times and it was hard to get back on the ride. I did a lot of freelance writing and photography and I created websites and databases for small businesses. When I decided to quit for good, I got involved with a non-profit where I could use some of the same skills. |
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,546
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Post by anniebeth24 on Mar 12, 2024 13:50:16 GMT
I was a SAHM for over 20 years. DH was military, and we felt that was best for our family situation. No regrets at all.
I, too, was pretty much a full-time volunteer with the schools, church, and misc organizations. One of my volunteer roles was travel soccer team manager.
Randomly, one of the coaches told me that he saw good skills in me through that position, and when I was ready, I had a job at his company. I was totally freaked out by the idea of a "real" job, but 6 years later, I have grown my skills and have a new confidence that I have value in a corporate environment. So grateful for the opportunity.
I'd advise you to use that volunteer network and see what might be out there for you. Best of luck!
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Post by underwatermama on Mar 12, 2024 13:58:05 GMT
After also being a SAHM and PTA-ish mom (lots of volunteer work in the schools my kids attended), I got a part time job in a school. Great hours and it covers our family's health insurance (huge win). Plus I get school breaks and summer off. Since I hadn't worked in so long, I asked a few of the PTA board if they could be my references.
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Post by airforcemomof1 on Mar 12, 2024 16:38:54 GMT
I just had to comment that it's quite a leap to go from being bored to being addicted to porn--I literally lol'd--he could have joined a gym or volunteered at the SPCA or something. Like I can't believe that's his excuse. Sir, that is not a thing. You just like porn, it's ok to admit it. Let that flag fly. Show the wife some moves and get her on board that train too. 🤣 I think I like the way you think! |
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 12, 2024 17:22:07 GMT
I just had to comment that it's quite a leap to go from being bored to being addicted to porn--I literally lol'd--he could have joined a gym or volunteered at the SPCA or something. Like I can't believe that's his excuse. Sir, that is not a thing. You just like porn, it's ok to admit it. Let that flag fly. Show the wife some moves and get her on board that train too. 🤣 As I mentioned there were other factors including losing his dad and things that arise after that. As with most things it is multifaceted. I think "loss of purpose" is more accurate than "bored". Not defending him cuz I don't think it is right but I also acknowledge that being the SAH parent isn't as rosy as many think, especially if you are an accomplishment driven person. I can totally see how one's mental health could be challenged by a career change, lack of self importance and changes in family dynamics. Not an excuse but an explanation. Doesn't make it right. Thankfully he is taking responsibility and is more than willing to go to therapy and his own and with his wife. |
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AmandaA
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AmandaA on Mar 12, 2024 19:08:07 GMT
I feel you and have been feeling some of the same. I left my corporate job when I was pregnant with my oldest- it was 100% the right decision for me and our family so zero regrets. While I could go back into my field, I don’t want to. This will sound selfish perhaps, but I love my freedom and flexibility. DH doesn’t work a traditional M-F job either so tying me to that kind of commitment/responsibility would be huge for us. Also, depending on the time of year he has zero percent flexibility to help with things like sick kids which would make it hard for us.
I actually only recently became that PTO mom and even go in and volunteer to help in the front office at school just to give me something productive to do. Ever since DH and I married, I am the bookkeeper for his businesses. It isn’t my professional background, and while I don’t hate it, it is just a task that has to be done vs something I enjoy doing. I have hobbies I could do to fill the time, but it feels frivolous to some extent. I tired of just being “mom” and all that role entails and feel like I want to find something to fill my time that challenges me and motivates me to be excited about my day. I have been toying with the idea of starting a small service oriented business that I could do as little or as much as I wanted. It’s not about bringing in money for the family, but really is about finding some purpose and role to make the day to day feel less like the movie Groundhog Day. So I have no great advice or experience as I am in a similar boat and am glad to hear I am not the only one 😉
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iowgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,133
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Post by iowgirl on Mar 12, 2024 19:51:49 GMT
if you were a SAHM for a long time what did/will you do after? I have always kinda cringed at the "SAHM" moniker. There is so much more too it! But you all know that! My situation is different than most. Since we farm, I have transitioned into more the a farm hand/truck driver. I am seasonally. The most busy during harvest because I truck silage and all the grain. So from the end of August until November, sometimes December - I am a truck driver and head cook. Silage (which is only about a week for the big bunker) I truck all day, but also make a early morning snack of rolls, or some type of pastry and hot coffee in pitchers, to have ready when the rest of the truckers, packers, and cutter driver show up. I haul all morning, then dip home to get lunch out of the oven, and everyone stops for a quick lunch hour and then back to the field. I go back to the field above 30 minutes after everyone else, so I can quick clean up and get a supper ready in the shop when we quit. Something easy like maid rites or walking tacos that can be simmering the crock pot. And I usually a cookie or brownie to go with that. So I prep a lot of this stuff in advance and pull out of the freezer on the days I need it. When I am trucking grain, I just make field lunches for me and DH that I pack in a cooler for the day. I have a problem with having my stuff all gone by 11 am. LOL Ah Damn it! I also keep hot coffee and some cookies or such in my truck for the cart and combine drivers. I am also busier during calving season (starts soon!) and I help keep planting moving along by bringing out meals, helping fill planter, and parts runner. Always on a parts run! I also do all the bookwork and cook 3 meals a day, plus a little grandbaby watching when DD is out working after daycare hours. She farms and ranches with us. I kinda miss the more "stay at home days" -but my kids are all long grown up! Farm Labor, around here, starts at about $20/$25 an hour. So that is what I am saving our operation by being available when needed. It is pretty hard to find labor, especially when you only need them for short times of the year. And to have a full time hired hand is VERY costly. DH is very appreciative of my contributions. I am a full partner on our farm operation, and have been since the kids were young. |
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 12, 2024 19:54:24 GMT
It’s not about bringing in money for the family, but really is about finding some purpose and role to make the day to day feel less like the movie Groundhog Day. Yes this! When I have very little on my plate I feel unproductive and worse unsatisfied. But I have also been in a state of overwhelm when I've handed out too many "yeses". I told my husband I'd love maybe 2-3 months of absolutely nothing extra and then slowly add things back. I've got 3 more yrs of kids in HS and then will be done with PTA/O stuff. I guess we'll see how subbing goes these next few yrs as to weather that will be something I'll want to increase or if I'll want a different part time job. |
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 13, 2024 1:16:24 GMT
Why not do several things? You could work part-time. Working at a school is great for good hours and holidays off. They need good people. You could also volunteer one day a week for a few hours and then think of something you see a need for. One thing I would love to do is senior photos for low income families. I am taking a few photography classes, but seem to spend more time on the fur and feathered friends.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 13, 2024 2:36:57 GMT
Why not do several things? You could work part-time. Working at a school is great for good hours and holidays off. They need good people. You could also volunteer one day a week for a few hours and then think of something you see a need for. One thing I would love to do is senior photos for low income families. I am taking a few photography classes, but seem to spend more time on the fur and feathered friends. I already work at school subbing (only 1 school). Just trying to evaluate my options and see what and how other people in similar situations figured out their purpose the kids become more independent. I already do many things sub, 4 volunteer positions (down from 7 😵💫), 3 hobbies plus regular home responsibilities. |
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Post by Legacy Girl on Mar 13, 2024 7:19:18 GMT
I have been a SAHM for 21 years. Just this winter, I was contacted out of the blue by a former colleague, who asked me to return to state government service, with a major promotion and salary increase. I have accepted the job and start in a few weeks. This really is the only position I would have come out of "retirement" for. I know I can do the work, it's just the 40-hour week that kind of freaks me out since I've been my own boss and set my own schedule for so long. I know these opportunities don't come along for everyone. It's really ridiculous, how it's all happened, TBH (and by ridiculous, I mean ridiculous in a good way).  Anyway, good luck with your decision. Take your time, and hopefully the right opportunity will arise -- perhaps when you least expect it. |
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Post by Merge on Mar 13, 2024 12:39:16 GMT
After decades of full time work and child raising, I find I am most fulfilled by puttering around the house taking care of my husband and our dogs. Sad, maybe. IDK. I never aspired to be a full time homemaker.
You’ve mentioned you want to keep your schedule flexible to fit with your life, and I think that’s smart. Being chained to a job certain hours/days all the time is draining. I’m sure there are any number of charities that would welcome your bookkeeping abilities. With your background, you might also find that you’re well suited for event planning, fundraising, and grant writing.
Once your kids have flown the nest, you might feel more friendly towards work with after school/evening hours, as I have with my private teaching studio. Working with kids is the most fulfilling thing I can do professionally.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,459
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 13, 2024 14:56:46 GMT
After decades of full time work and child raising, I find I am most fulfilled by puttering around the house taking care of my husband and our dogs. Sad, maybe. IDK. I never aspired to be a full time homemaker. You’ve mentioned you want to keep your schedule flexible to fit with your life, and I think that’s smart. Being chained to a job certain hours/days all the time is draining. I’m sure there are any number of charities that would welcome your bookkeeping abilities. With your background, you might also find that you’re well suited for event planning, fundraising, and grant writing. Once your kids have flown the nest, you might feel more friendly towards work with after school/evening hours, as I have with my private teaching studio. Working with kids is the most fulfilling thing I can do professionally. I wish I was satisfied with taking care of the home/family. It sure would simplify things. Maybe I'll get there as time goes by. Unfortunately I really hate fundraising and event planning. I don't mind doing financial tracking but hate soliciting. And while certainly capable of event planning it is not enjoyable to me. I'm hoping time will bring a obvious path or two to choose from. |
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 13, 2024 20:35:19 GMT
Why not do several things? You could work part-time. Working at a school is great for good hours and holidays off. They need good people. You could also volunteer one day a week for a few hours and then think of something you see a need for. One thing I would love to do is senior photos for low income families. I am taking a few photography classes, but seem to spend more time on the fur and feathered friends. I already work at school subbing (only 1 school). Just trying to evaluate my options and see what and how other people in similar situations figured out their purpose the kids become more independent. I already do many things sub, 4 volunteer positions (down from 7 😵💫), 3 hobbies plus regular home responsibilities. I retired in 2015. Went back 6 years later to work in just the morning x 160 days a year teaching k-3. I do about a four hour stint of volunteering with kids with trauma, and I get out weekly to take photographs to practice. It sounds like you are already a little busy with your schedule. Subbing can be so exhausting though. Every day can be a new classroom with different kids, curriculum and expectations. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 15, 2024 20:11:52 GMT
Following because I’m kind of in the same boat.
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Post by littlemama on Mar 15, 2024 20:40:13 GMT
Truthfully, if if I didnt have to work, I wouldn't. There are people out therr who need jobs and if Im not one of them, Im not going to hold a job that they could have
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Post by Zee on Mar 15, 2024 20:44:52 GMT
Truthfully, if if I didnt have to work, I wouldn't. There are people out therr who need jobs and if Im not one of them, Im not going to hold a job that they could have I'm not that altruistic. I like using my brain and getting paid for it. And who's to say just anyone in need of a job could do every job available? That's kind of a weird take on employment. Sounds like the reason women got pushed back out of the workforce in the 40s after the war. Jobs need good people, not just the most needy people. |
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Post by littlemama on Mar 15, 2024 22:19:34 GMT
Truthfully, if if I didnt have to work, I wouldn't. There are people out therr who need jobs and if Im not one of them, Im not going to hold a job that they could have I'm not that altruistic. I like using my brain and getting paid for it. And who's to say just anyone in need of a job could do every job available? That's kind of a weird take on employment. Sounds like the reason women got pushed back out of the workforce in the 40s after the war. Jobs need good people, not just the most needy people. Im not saying anyone can do any job whatsoever. And truthfully, I dont want to work any more, anyway, once our house is paid off and we can afford to retire. Retirement is within view and Im all for it. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Mar 15, 2024 22:50:15 GMT
After decades of full time work and child raising, I find I am most fulfilled by puttering around the house taking care of my husband and our dogs. Sad, maybe. IDK. I never aspired to be a full time homemaker. You’ve mentioned you want to keep your schedule flexible to fit with your life, and I think that’s smart. Being chained to a job certain hours/days all the time is draining. I’m sure there are any number of charities that would welcome your bookkeeping abilities. With your background, you might also find that you’re well suited for event planning, fundraising, and grant writing. Once your kids have flown the nest, you might feel more friendly towards work with after school/evening hours, as I have with my private teaching studio. Working with kids is the most fulfilling thing I can do professionally. I wish I was satisfied with taking care of the home/family. It sure would simplify things. Maybe I'll get there as time goes by. Unfortunately I really hate fundraising and event planning. I don't mind doing financial tracking but hate soliciting. And while certainly capable of event planning it is not enjoyable to me. I'm hoping time will bring a obvious path or two to choose from. It sounds like you like doing accounts and also you are very organized. Someone mentioned charities, and I was thinking about that too. They are always looking for good people. Maybe volunteering in a hospital could be interesting? |
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by ellen on Mar 16, 2024 14:27:09 GMT
After 34 years in the classroom, most of them in 4th grade, I entered the world of subbing. My husband and I have taken very different approaches to subbing and have different feelings about the job. He has stuck to what he knows. He only subs in the building where he worked for many years. He thinks it’s ok. I have dabbled and tried new things and have really enjoyed it. I took some days where I was kind of nervous about what I was doing, but knew if I didn’t like it that I would never have to do it again. I did several jobs where I knew I’d never do them again and at times it shook my confidence but I kept going. I have been pleasantly surprised that I really like 7th & 8th graders. If you sub in a classroom with older kids most of their work will be on an online platform and you just have to take attendance and just go over the teacher’s notes for the day. I prefer to work in a high school setting. I would not have predicted that. If you sub in chemistry classes and upper level math classes you are spending your day with smart kids who are generally really nice. I have become really good at selecting jobs where I know I will be successful and it is rewarding. My husband takes jobs that he thinks will be easy, but he doesn’t really like it as much as I do.
I would encourage you to maybe branch out a little bit in the world of subbing. There is a lot to be gained by stepping out of your comfort zone.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 16, 2024 15:52:04 GMT
Other than a short break when I left the military after having DS, and periods when we moved and I was job searching, I have always worked. I retired 18 months ago and have struggled with the feeling I need to be filling my time with some sort of work or productivity at home. Not that I'm actually doing a ton of stuff, but I have that voice in my head that tells me I'm not allowed to be lazy. The guilt is really harshing my retirement buzz!
If you like bookkeeping, and can swing the cost, I would say go to school for some financial credentials. You don't have to start your own business. You can do temp work or part time/on call.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Mar 16, 2024 16:44:43 GMT
I'll share my story.
I was a full time SAHM from 1999 to 2015. I spent my time volunteering at the elementary school and running Cub Scouts. I tripped into a 20 hour a week job in 2015 when my kids were 13 and 16 and my oldest had moved out. I had stopped volunteering and worked the job while my husband figured things out work wise (sold his business, took time off, and took a long time to find a new job). While working, I took classes at the JC and later a pottery class. I still scrapbooked but that was winding down.
I quit the job in 2019 and took a year off until my dad offered me the family collection of railroad photographic negatives to sell on eBay. I've been doing that now for 4 years which takes 10-15 hours a week. At the same time, my husband and I turned our entire front yard into a vegetable garden and we have enjoyed that. I took up canning 2 years ago which is a great new practical hobby. My FIL gave us half his timeshare points so we have started traveling a lot more.
Now in 2 weeks, my husband will be retiring at 52 and we'll be making more adjustments. Our youngest is 21 and plans to move out this summer and after 29 years and for the very first time, we will have an empty nest. I am interested to see what the future brings us. We have 3 trips planned for 2024. We have house renovations we want to do. We are growing more food than ever this year.
It will come - what to do with your time. Most of the above I tripped into and did not seek out. It is wonderful to have the choices I have and to experience them with my best friend.
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Anyway, good luck with your decision. Take your time, and hopefully the right opportunity will arise -- perhaps when you least expect it. 
