sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Dec 31, 2014 18:10:20 GMT
Very True! I do this a lot.
Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it. And in the situations I'm concerned about, there's really very little risk. It's just my overly emotional aversion to this type of conversation that is causing the stress.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,659
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Dec 31, 2014 18:26:18 GMT
Depends. I'm way less "confrontational" at work than in my personal life, just because of company culture. We are all about pleasant, drama-free communication here. If things get testy, it just goes up the chain of command. I like that. In my "real life," I think age has been my greatest help. As I get older, I am less apt to let things slide. I still don't like confrontation, but I no longer run away from it. I feel like I've paid my dues in life and I have the right to express my opinion just as much as anyone else. And with age, I care a lot less what people think of me, so that plays into it. It's rather liberating.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Dec 31, 2014 18:34:11 GMT
As a very blunt person, HOW you say it is very important. I think if you lead in with a tone of "let me understand this better" or "are there other options" or "is this what you meant" goes further than "you're wrong, it should be this" or "no, this is the ONLY way" or "your opinion doesn't matter, but mine does". I know this seems like common sense, but I still think the very same things in my head, but they come out differently and it has made a world of difference in discussions/conversations, versus big blow ups.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,574
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Dec 31, 2014 18:39:15 GMT
As a very blunt person, HOW you say it is very important. I think if you lead in with a tone of "let me understand this better" or "are there other options" or "is this what you meant" goes further than "you're wrong, it should be this" or "no, this is the ONLY way" or "your opinion doesn't matter, but mine does". I know this seems like common sense, but I still think the very same things in my head, but they come out differently and it has made a world of difference in discussions/conversations, versus big blow ups. In the conversations I'm thinking of, I *DO* feel the other person is wrong, and my opinion is the one that matters! I like to think I have enough finesse NOT to approach it that way. I appreciate you all providing me with specific phrases to use.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 31, 2014 18:42:09 GMT
I learned a lot by being around a friend who is assertive. My parents weren't, and I didn't have a good role model. Now I see the way she acts in certain situations, and I've learned from that. Also, I sort of rehearse certain situations in advance when I know they will be challenging so I know how to react, and then I encourage myself to do it. The more I do it, the better I get at it.
I used to worry about being "nice" because that's how I was raised. Now I care a lot less about what people think of me. It's also a perk of getting older...
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Post by M~ on Dec 31, 2014 23:11:36 GMT
Well, I had to learn to be assertive both in my personal and professional life. My motto is from a line in a movie, "you fight the fight that needs fighting."
In other words, I've learned that if a person is just a "complainer," then that person isn't well-respected and as a result, you lose credibility. So, my first step is ALWAYS the question: Is this a fight that's worth fighting? I weigh a lot of factors in reaching the ultimate YES or NO. In other words, how does this affect me? is it positive or negative? if it's negative, then how negative? Before raising an issue, do I have a potential solution or a set of potential solutions? What is the likelihood that someone will be negatively affected by the solution I'm suggesting? Is it even feasible?
Second, who is my audience? People respond differently to approaches. If it's my boss, or the hearing office director, or a co-attorney or the hearing clerk? I know who those people are and what they respond or not respond to.
I find that people respond VERY well when I present an issue and at the same time I present several ways *I* think we can correct or improve the situation and also articulate how/if and/or how much it's going to affect someone or some other process? In other words, I try to 1) state the problem clearly 2) say why it is a problem 3) demonstrate there's a better way of doing and say why and 4) how this affects the small and big picture.
I also have a conversation with myself to assess whether *I* have in some way created the problem.
Most importantly though, I have learned to ruminate on something for at least a couple of days before I assess the problem and say something. I also try to formulate a strategy and develop talking points, if you will, so that I can really be clear as to what's bothering me, why it's bothering me, and what, if anything, am I going to do about it.
I prefer to approach the problem directly rather than lose my shit because "whatever is bothering me occurred one time too many."
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