Conflict/confrontation: What helped you improve

Is this a work situation? I'm very non confrontational at work, not speaking up when I maybe should to avoid any lingering unpleasant dealings. Outside of work I'm very up front about things and how I feel.

Age. I am much more likely to speak my mind at 56 than I was at say 36. BUT, sometimes it's better to let things go. My SIL is a pain in the ass. If I spoke up every time she did something rude to me or my daughter, the entire family would suffer.

Watch all the old Clint Eastwood movies. (I'm serious. Works for me.)

There wasn't a single ah-ha moment. It was coming to the point I didn't want being held back any more. It became worth it to me to speak my mind.  It also helped to discover that just because I did speak up for myself that it wasn't always an unpleasant ending. Very often the "this isn't working for me" confrontation ended with the other party being surprised because they thought that was what I wanted. The more often I spoke up for myself the more in control of my life I have become. And that is very empowering.

, except I'm 51! I have found as I've got older that it's easier to speak up. That doesn't mean I always do it. If I am going to confront someone, I do rehearse it beforehand, and I do consider what I would like the outcome to be. 

A speaking group like Toastmasters (do they even exist any more?

Age.

Losing all filters due to brain injury.

My first line of action in conflict is to remove myself. I totally understand the "not working for me" in that. But, I believe that confrontation often leads to escalation, which is not optimal either. I have found that writing down what I want to say (or retort) also helps me focus my thoughts. I may not use them, but that gets me moving forward.

I think I am hearing that quite a few people equal confrontation with nasty interactions and angry escalations. If so, odds are that you are doing using the wrong techniques to handle problems or you are always working with highly defensive and angry people. Aside from removing yourself from toxic environments/people, when I am leading workshops on the issue, these are my top 2 suggestions:

First off, I'd recommend stop using the word confrontation as that word is loaded with negative connotations for many people. I'd suggest calling it "dealing with problems effectively." Just by changing the descriptive word, you can change your outlook, attitude, and expectations for the interaction.

Secondly, I'd also suggest looking into using the strategies and techniques of diplomacy, rather than confrontation.

Thirdly, if dealing with problems in an open manner is not something you've learned yet, it's important to understand that it is a skill that is acquired only trial and error, practice, failure, success, and more practice. Essentially, it's like learning a foreign language -- you wouldn't expect to become an effective speaker in a new language fast or easily, so don't expect acquiring this new type of speaking to be an overnight miracle.

You have to get to a point in your life when you decide enough is enough. And that you are worthy of sticking up for yourself, your beliefs and what you feel is just.

Also, start thinking about making boundaries for yourself. Decide what you will let go and what is absolutely unacceptable from others.

I have been a conflict avoider my entire life. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I've been living with an unhappy, confrontational, debate loving person who has taught me some of his skills. I only use them when absolutely necessary and it's taken a long time for me to realize I'm worth the fight, but it comes in handy at times.

Decide that *you* are worth it and it will come sooner.

I have had the same issue. My DH, who is very good at dealing with/managing people, suggested this: instead of confronting someone about something they're doing or not doing, ask them instead if they will help you with a problem you are having. Explain the problem in terms of how it affects you or your work or others in general, and solicit their input for solutions. Most people love to be asked to help. They don't love being told what to do. They will frequently volunteer to do what you wanted them to do without your having to say it.

I've tried this a few times with co-workers and it's been effective. I've also used it with my kids, with varying success. And I've become aware of when my admin at school is managing ME that way. I can imagine scenarios where it wouldn't work, but with the average work/personal issue it might be worth a shot. It's much less scary than outright confrontation.

I had someone in my life who was angry all the time. Holy crap she was angry and eventually I got sick of hearing it. She hated her new landlord so much she was going to get one of ger sister's thug friends to go and beat him up. Yeah. I decided that I have enough happy people in my life that I didn't need or want the negativity. I told her my family was going through some difficulty and when we were through I would contact her. I never contacted her again. 

How do I deal with conflict? I used to attack it. Now I take a Japanese approach (passive aggressive) and pretend the other party no longer exists. Sure I would love to scream STFU you effing this or that. I have the choice to ignore and get rid of those kinds of people in my life. It works better and eventually the other party gets the message when I say I'll contact you.

good luck!

I agree with this. My mantra is, let it go. I just try not to be so upset about things, especially small things.

this is totally me, too... I am good at 'compartmentalizing' myself between work and personal. Relating to work, my skills, and my knowledge of the field in which I work, I am pretty good at speaking up and voicing my opinion- because I have the knowledge and experience to back up what I'm saying.

On a personal level, though, I am very different. Growing up, in our family, confrontation / interaction of an emotional sort was just not done. Avoidance and burying your feelings was how we dealt with issues, and there wasn't really any 'sticking up for yourself' so to speak. It took me years of on-and-off counseling to understand this about myself, and that it was a result of how I was raised. I still get anxious / upset before interactions of a very personal nature, although age has tempered it somewhat. 

For me personally, medication has also helped... I suffered from chronic depression undiagnosed for a long time, and I would take the smallest comments personally, get so upseet about things ('why did they say that about ME?' when it really wasn't about me, or 'what did I do to make that person not like me?' because it was so ingrained in me to please everyone and have everyone like me). Going on medication to straighten out my brain chemistry and talking to a counselor has helped me see that it wasn't me at all, not everyone has to- or will- or has to- like me, and that it's OKAY for me not to get along with everyone. 


Finally, I would say that most of the time my imagination about how bad things could go is much worse than how they really happen in the end. I can build things up so much in my mind that by the time they really happen, they are almost never as bad as how I imagined the situation would be.

ETA: I have no idea why so much of the text in this post is italicized, and I can seem to un-do it, lol!