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Post by shanniebananie on Jan 3, 2015 14:42:11 GMT
Background: my inlaws moved to our area a year ago to be closer to their son (my DH) and our kids. My fil can be a very negative, moody, pouty person but also has moments of kindness. My mil is wonderful and loves spending time with my grand kids (ages 8 and 12). Both are also totally retired.
Last fall I asked them if twice a month they could pick up the kids from school so that I could volunteer through the Junior League to teach an adult literacy class. Depending on the day, sometimes the pick up involves waiting an hour for the 8 yr old who has choir practice and taking the 12 old somewhere so he can do his homework and get something to eat. On the other day, I am able to pick the kids up, drop them off to the inlaws and they take care of home work, sometimes feed them dinner, and wait for DH to pick them up after he gets off work - usually by 6:30. If DH is traveling, I am able to pick them up at 7:30.
So basically, they have the kids 3:30- 7:30 (at the latest) 2 times a month.
We have done this since September and as far as I knew, it was working out fine. I always thank them for doing this and have given them a few gift cards to restaurants ($75 at a time) to show appreciation. Because they do this, DH and I are careful not to ask them to watch the kids for date nights because they are already doing this for us and we don't want to take advantage.
Well, over the holidays DH's sister and her family came to visit and she said that fil spent several minutes complaining about what a pain in the ass it is to do these after school pickups and how they have to feed the kids and how disruptive it is to their day! What? They have never said anything to me or DH and I had no idea he felt this way! As far as know, mil didn't complain or say anything.
Fil does like to complain but I really don't think I was asking too much. I am sure mil doesn't mind but maybe she does too.
So, I plan on asking them if they are okay doing this for the spring semester - about 10 more times - but not mentioning what sil said. If they say they are, should I just continue on like we have? I really have no plan B because it requires driving and none of our other babysitters do so.
What would you do? I really want to continue with this assignment, but not if it is creating stress in my relationship with the inlaws.
UPDATE::
MIL stopped by today and I was able to talk to her. I asked her how everything was going with the pickup and if there was anything she wanted to change. She assured me that it was all good but that sometimes it can be rushed if they hit traffic coming home and they know DH is coming to get the 12 yr old for basket ball practice (this just started the week before Christmas break so it was only once). We agreed that it may be easier to just stay down by school and have dinner out and then take 12 yr old to practice and I would pick him up. Hopefully that won't happen too much. Mil also admitted that fil always needs something to complain about and that it usually doesn't bother him too much. She is totally fine continuing to do this. I gave her a chance to get out of it and she didn't want to.
DH however let it slip that sil was the one to tell us and I can guarantee this is going to get back to her and this won't be the end of the discussion.
To answer some other comments, yes sil can definitely be a pot-stirrer. She took great delight in telling us that fil complained about me. She was very put out that her parents chose to retire by us instead of them. It really had to do with location. She lives in the desert and the inlaws hate it there. She had never been to our house before last month and didn't say one nice thing about it. Mil even asked her directly, "Isn't the house beautiful?" and she deliberately changed the subject and didn't answer. So there's that...
Thank you for all your replies!
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Post by momstime on Jan 3, 2015 14:45:51 GMT
If you ask them and they say yes, forgetaboutit. Gramps is just a big old blowhard. I have a dad like that. He's a crusty crab, but my mom would be so upset to lose that grand baby time because of him.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417 
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Post by YooHoot on Jan 3, 2015 14:47:01 GMT
I'd find alternative babysitting. I know it's convenient for you, but if I heard through the grapevine that they were unhappy, I'd change. It will cause built up resentment and problems you don't need. Waiting an hour would drive me insane btw. I know it's only twice a month, but clearly the complainer doesn't like it.
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Kerri W
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Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 3, 2015 14:47:55 GMT
I would do as you planned and ask if they are OK with continuing for the spring semester. I'm curious if SIL might have said this to you in a little bit of a trouble making way because she's jealous?
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734
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Post by purplebee on Jan 3, 2015 14:53:31 GMT
I'd ask again, just to "confirm" with them again that they are willing to help out with the grandkids, without mentioning the info from SIL. If they say yes, continue on as you have in the past. This gives them an out if they don't want to do it any more. Sounds like FIL just likes to complain....
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 3, 2015 14:59:05 GMT
I would do as you planned and ask if they are OK with continuing for the spring semester. I'm curious if SIL might have said this to you in a little bit of a trouble making way because she's jealous? I wonder about the SIL myself. I know some people that can stir the pot when jealous... I would also make sure when you talk to MIL that you give her an out, that you can easily make other arrangements for them if it's too much for her. |
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Jan 3, 2015 15:00:22 GMT
I would do as you planned and ask if they are OK with continuing for the spring semester. I'm curious if SIL might have said this to you in a little bit of a trouble making way because she's jealous? I wonder about the SIL myself. I know some people that can stir the pot when jealous... I would also make sure when you talk to MIL that you give her an out, that you can easily make other arrangements for them if it's too much for her. There you go! Agreed. |
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Post by txdancermom on Jan 3, 2015 15:01:05 GMT
Like others, I would re-confirm that they are ok with the arrangement. If they say yes, then drop it and figure he had a grumpy moment.
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Post by NanaKate on Jan 3, 2015 15:01:45 GMT
I would make other arrangements. Kids can visit with grandmother at her invitation.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jan 3, 2015 15:06:47 GMT
I wonder about the SIL myself. I know some people that can stir the pot when jealous... I would also make sure when you talk to MIL that you give her an out, that you can easily make other arrangements for them if it's too much for her. There you go! Agreed.  |
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Post by anxiousmom on Jan 3, 2015 15:08:20 GMT
I would just ask if the arrangement was still working for them.
"Hi in-laws, I was making plans for the spring and I wanted to touch base with you about our arrangements. SIL mentioned that perhaps there were some issues that have arisen, and I love you both and don't want something like this to interfere with our relationship."
Then go from there. Maybe they misunderstood that the gift cards are a form of payment for their picking up the kids. Maybe they are having some financial issues you aren't aware of and cash would be better. Maybe they just wanted to have more freedom to travel and having to commit to a long term schedule interferes. Maybe the FIL is just a curmudgeon and being a grump and doesn't really have a problem at all but SIL does. Who knows?
Talking will sort it out, particularly if you go into it without being judgmental or accusatory. (Not saying you would, just saying that sometimes it is hard not to have a discussion without people becoming defensive.)
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gloryjoy
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Post by gloryjoy on Jan 3, 2015 15:29:32 GMT
I'll go ahead and agree with this too. |
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Post by BeckyTech on Jan 3, 2015 15:34:42 GMT
I would get a moment with MIL alone. Tell her you are concerned that you are asking too much and ask her to be honest if this is too much of a disruption for them, that you would hate to be a burden and could make other arrangements. I would bet that she is doing most of the work anyway and since FIL is a known complainer, it's her you really want to talk to. Depending on your family dynamics and personalities, you might even be totally honest with her and tell her what SIL told you; hence your concern.
By talking with just her face-to-face you will be able to read any nuances in her facial expression, body language, or tone of voice when she responds.
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Post by maryland on Jan 3, 2015 15:59:50 GMT
I would ask them if it still works for them, and if it does, don't worry about it. We all have crabby days (and you know they say that men are moodier than us women!) and your fil may just "enjoy" complaining. If he doesn't enjoy it, and your mil does, than she should continue with it. She can do all the picking up/feeding the kids and he can do what he normally does on those days.
I know many days I need to "vent" to my friend about my kids! They make a mess, they aren't social, etc. Just petty things! But I always feel much better after complaining to my friend. I don't bother my husband or my kids. I hope that makes sense!
It sounds like your mil really enjoys it. If she didn't, why would they want to move closer to you all? And many grandparents don't have a great dil like you! So many people have dils that don't let them spend any time with their son/his family. You could always have your husband talk to them to see if they want to continue with it. I think what you are doing is great! Giving them time with your family and giving them gift cards as payment.
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lindas
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Post by lindas on Jan 3, 2015 16:07:09 GMT
You really need to talk to them about it. More often then not a conversation gets distorted in the telling. Was he really complaining or did he just mention what they do and she took it as complaining. Get it out in the open now so there are no hard feelings on either side.
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Post by eebud on Jan 3, 2015 16:17:13 GMT
I would do as you planned and ask if they are OK with continuing for the spring semester. I'm curious if SIL might have said this to you in a little bit of a trouble making way because she's jealous? I wonder about the SIL myself. I know some people that can stir the pot when jealous... I would also make sure when you talk to MIL that you give her an out, that you can easily make other arrangements for them if it's too much for her. I also agree with this. You are hearing this through a third party. You don't know exactly what was said or how it was said, etc. Some people tend to exaggerate what was actually said. I think you need to hear it from them. I would talk to both IL's together. Maybe MIL is fine with things and FIL isn't. You all need to be on the same page. If you go straight to making other arrangements without a discussion with them, I think this could also cause a strain. Maybe MIL will think that you don't trust her with the grandkids or something like that. Discuss it with them making sure they have an out if necessary. If it is a burden on them for whatever reason, you might ask if you can continue the arrangement through the Spring and then find other arrangements. They might be happy to continue knowing there is an end. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 3, 2015 16:23:14 GMT
I agree with the SIL just causing trouble. She sounds like her dad. Where does SIL live? They didn't choose to live close to her? I would just broach the subject to them both, and not mention SIL. I think it's the FIL just grumbling about nothing, just to complain. I wouldn't just pull the kids and find another sitter. That's not fair to MIL.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2015 16:25:10 GMT
WTF is up with your sil? That sucks - what an ass she is to even mention it to you.
Maybe he was just venting; maybe she was just stirring the pot.
Do what you intended: ask again, don't mention sil. And take everything she says to you with a grain of salt from now on.
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Post by momof3pits on Jan 3, 2015 16:25:26 GMT
I would approach the situation honestly but not judgmentally. SIL mentioned that FIL might have some issues with our arrangement, what's going on guys?
And the reason being, if they do have issues but don't want to cause drama, the resentment however deserved or not, will still be there on their end if you don't just get things out in the open.
I will say that if they moved to be closer to you and kids, then I can't imagine they would have an issue with spending 8 hours a month with them, so I hope it's just an issue on SIL's end.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:34:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 16:30:27 GMT
I agree that SIL is an ass for mentioning it. Are you going to see/talk to her again? Ask her to clarify exactly what FIL said, because when you talk to the IL's again, you want to make sure you have it all straight. If SIL hems and haws, then you know she is just trying to cause trouble and didn't expect you to approach your MIL or FIL about it.
You don't want to talk to your MIL or FIL first, because if it's not true, then they will be hurt. Go straight to the source first.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on Jan 3, 2015 16:30:49 GMT
I would make other arrangement without saying anything to them before it was all worked out. Then I'd tell them that I'd heard how inconvenienced picking them up had been and that you would no longer be doing this. Your FIL is probably making sure the children know how he feels. The ball would then be in their court. Quite frankly I would prefer to have my MIL spend time with my children without the old goat anywhere near them.
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Post by rainangel on Jan 3, 2015 16:30:48 GMT
First of all; they moved to your area to be closer to your DH and kids.
Secondly; they agreed to this arrangement, and if you ask them about the springterm, they are given an out if they need it.
Thirdly; you heard it through a third party. This kind of secondhand information should be handled with extreme caution.
In my honest opinion, FIL just needed something to complain about so he did. I am sure he knew the 'terms' when he agreed to be part of this arrangement. Like the meals and pick ups. HE KNEW THIS, AND AGREED TO IT!
And this is HIS opinion (assuming the secondhand info filtered through SIL is correct), it says nothing about MIL's feelings about the agreement.
And you have been gracious and kind by always thanking them and giving them gift cards. But you know, some people just need SOMETHING to complain about....
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jan 3, 2015 16:32:28 GMT
If it was me I'd be upfront about what I heard. For me there is nothing worse than extended family talking about issues behind your back without attempting to resolve them.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:34:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 16:37:13 GMT
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 3, 2015 16:37:35 GMT
Out of courtesy, I would confirm they are OK to continue with the arrangement for the spring and my bet is they are, meaning your MIL is and FIL will go along with it. What does your DH say about this? If he isn't concerned, take your cues from him.
FTR, your ILs sound like my parents. My dad grumbles and groans about any change to his schedule, including anything that took my mom from paying 100% attention to him. My mom would have made it very clear that she was going to help out and spending any time with her grandkids was priority. Twice a month is not onerous.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:34:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 16:39:10 GMT
I'm not one to inquire, try to find the truth, confront them for an honest answer, etc. Really, what are they gonna say - yeah we hate it - doubt it. If I heard this, I'd just take care of my business and handle the kids another way. I really dislike relying on people for favors anyway so it would kind of be a relief.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:34:09 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 16:44:03 GMT
Do you kids spend time with them , just because they want too?
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2015 16:47:47 GMT
Out of courtesy, I would confirm they are OK to continue with the arrangement for the spring and my bet is they are, meaning your MIL is and FIL will go along with it. What does your DH say about this? If he isn't concerned, take your cues from him. FTR, your ILs sound like my parents. My dad grumbles and groans about any change to his schedule, including anything that took my mom from paying 100% attention to him. My mom would have made it very clear that she was going to help out and spending any time with her grandkids was priority. Twice a month is not onerous. He sounds like my husband - heart of gold, truly - but a grouser. He just grumbles and complains, but gets it done and when someone asks him about it 10 minutes later, everything is hunky dory. And in a situation like this? If someone called him on it, he'd be all: "who listens to me when I complain? I was just being a jerk - everyone knows that I can be that way." |
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 3, 2015 16:48:30 GMT
I wonder if you just switched the arrangement if it wouldn't cause more problems. Maybe MIL would get her feelings hurt or think that you don't trust her with the kids or that the kids were fussing about the arrangement. I would not just change the arrangement without checking in with them first. I don't know if I would mention SIL or not, you obviously know the family dynamics better then we do. In my family if I mentioned that SIL said something it would go right back to SIL who would then backpedal and I would end up looking like the ass, not her.
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Post by utmr on Jan 3, 2015 16:49:51 GMT
I'm not one to inquire, try to find the truth, confront them for an honest answer, etc. Really, what are they gonna say - yeah we hate it - doubt it. If I heard this, I'd just take care of my business and handle the kids another way. I really dislike relying on people for favors anyway so it would kind of be a relief. I agree, just make other plans. If you ask them, they'll just say "oh no it's wonderful" and then you're stuck. Either they keep picking up the kids and bad-mouthing you behind your back, or you make other arrangements anyway and they complain about that. Make other arrangements and then make a big production of thanking them for helping you out during the fall and isn't it great that they don't have to anymore. |
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