peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,620
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2015 16:55:46 GMT
I'm not one to inquire, try to find the truth, confront them for an honest answer, etc. Really, what are they gonna say - yeah we hate it - doubt it. If I heard this, I'd just take care of my business and handle the kids another way. I really dislike relying on people for favors anyway so it would kind of be a relief. I agree, just make other plans. If you ask them, they'll just say "oh no it's wonderful" and then you're stuck. Either they keep picking up the kids and bad-mouthing you behind your back, or you make other arrangements anyway and they complain about that. Make other arrangements and then make a big production of thanking them for helping you out during the fall and isn't it great that they don't have to anymore. Not to single you out, because others have suggested this too - but the down side to this is them left wondering if they did something wrong. I think you should ask them if they want out - or a change, or anything different - is it too hard, please be honest etc... I'm guessing fil was just grousing and mil loves this arrangement. Give them a chance to work it out between them, but don't just take it away willy nilly - you may really hurt your mil.
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Post by littlemama on Jan 3, 2015 17:05:25 GMT
I would just double check with them to be sure they are still willing to do it for the spring term. Finding other arrangements without talking to them is kind of a shitty thing to do based on a rumor you heard from someone who may or may not have all the facts. On the days with the hour wait, is there a reason the 12 year old can't take the bus/walk home, so the in-laws don't have to sit around and wait for an hour between pick ups? Or can the 12 year old stay at school and do his homework for that hour?
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Post by utmr on Jan 3, 2015 17:18:54 GMT
My perception may be colored because I'm the SIL in the situation. Not literally, but this kind of thing happens in my family all the time and I'm the one listening to the grandparents complain.
My brother and his wife "dump the kids" on my parents (their words) for pick up plus a couple of hours about once a month. They're all sweetness and light to my SIL and then call me to complain. If I were to say something to SIL she would confront my parents because she's one of those "but they said it was fine" people. My parents would say "we don't know what utmr is talking about, we loving seeing the children." SIL would accuse me of stirring up s$it, and my parents would chew me out for tattling on them. Then the next time they had the kids they would call to complain and when I pointed out that they had an opportunity to get out of it would tell me "you know we couldn't say anything "
So, OP, you know the dynamics better than we do, and have to decide based on your read of the situation. But from where I'm sitting, based on my personal situation, life would be a lot more pleasant for me if SIL would make other arrangements.
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Post by creativegirl on Jan 3, 2015 17:44:11 GMT
Well I definitely would not make other arrangements without speaking to them about why. That's a terrible thing to do to MIL, who probably has no idea what is going on.
Communicating poorly or not at all is not helpful to anyone. Don't perpetuate it. Be honest about your concerns and ask them to be honest with you. That's really the best you can do- if they choose to say it's fine when it's not, then that's on them.
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suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
Jun 28, 2014 14:32:59 GMT
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Post by suzastampin on Jan 3, 2015 17:59:06 GMT
I'd make other plans. By asking them again, you are putting them in a spot. They're going to feel like have to say it's no problem, even if it is. Picture yourself as the grand parent, and you are asked if you can watch the kids a couple days a month. Are you going to say no? I doubt it.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jan 3, 2015 18:01:54 GMT
I would get a moment with MIL alone. Tell her you are concerned that you are asking too much and ask her to be honest if this is too much of a disruption for them, that you would hate to be a burden and could make other arrangements. I would bet that she is doing most of the work anyway and since FIL is a known complainer, it's her you really want to talk to. Depending on your family dynamics and personalities, you might even be totally honest with her and tell her what SIL told you; hence your concern. By talking with just her face-to-face you will be able to read any nuances in her facial expression, body language, or tone of voice when she responds. I like this approach!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jan 3, 2015 18:03:14 GMT
I'd make other plans. By asking them again, you are putting them in a spot. They're going to feel like have to say it's no problem, even if it is. Picture yourself as the grand parent, and you are asked if you can watch the kids a couple days a month. Are you going to say no? I doubt it. They moved to be closer to the their grand kids if it was me I would be miffed as to why the plans were changed. I would talk to MIL privately give her the opportunity to say its just too much.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jan 3, 2015 18:16:25 GMT
I know it is not a popular opinion on this board but I would ask nicely and explain that I was concerned because I was told FIL was unhappy with the arrangement. He is the one bitching and he should be the one to tell you the truth. I don't like skirting issues. Nip it in the bud and ask him directly.
I also have problems with people who talk behind people's backs. If you are an adult ,and you have an issue with someone or something, speak up.
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Post by emelle64 on Jan 3, 2015 18:19:07 GMT
I agree with this except I wouldn't bring your SIL into it. Your inlaws are adults. They agreed to the arrangement and I expect are largely happy with it. FIL sounds a bit cranky but that's nothing new. Dragging SIL into it (who, frankly, probably shouldn't have said anything to you and may have her own agenda and/or jealousy) creates family drama that is not necessary. I'd like to think that in my interactions with adults, when I ask them a direct question and they answer it, that doubting that answer or not believing them, isn't helpful. If your MIL assures you that all is fine, believe her.
Emelle
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Post by moveablefeast on Jan 3, 2015 18:32:58 GMT
I would just say - hey, we did this in the fall, before we start another semester I wanted to give you the chance to tell me how you feel about this arrangement, I can make a different plan if this isn't working for you and wanted to check on how you feel this is going.
If they say it's great and let's keep on when asked directly, but secretly find it a dreadful imposition, I don't feel sorry for them at all.
My mother does this sometimes. I'll ask if something is possible, she'll say yes it's fine, then she complains that she gets saddled with all this responsibility. If I give you the chance to say no gracefully and you still say yes, it's your fault and you are putting the imposition on yourself. I don't fuss when she says she can't do something. It is really no big deal - she knows how to say no - just for some reason she complains when she agrees to do something she could have just as simply declined. It drives me bonkers.
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Post by Pahina722 on Jan 3, 2015 18:52:58 GMT
I agree with moveablefeast. If you approach it like that, emphasizing that you can find other arrangements if this one is inconveniencing the in-laws. You certainly don't want to keep them away from the kids if they enjoy this situation, but don't want to be a burden during their retirement.
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Post by my2apps2 on Jan 3, 2015 19:00:34 GMT
I know it is not a popular opinion on this board but I would ask nicely and explain that I was concerned because I was told FIL was unhappy with the arrangement. He is the one bitching and he should be the one to tell you the truth. I don't like skirting issues. Nip it in the bud and ask him directly. I also have problems with people who talk behind people's backs. If you are an adult ,and you have an issue with someone or something, speak up. This is what I would do.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jan 3, 2015 19:21:06 GMT
Well I definitely would not make other arrangements without speaking to them about why. That's a terrible thing to do to MIL, who probably has no idea what is going on. Communicating poorly or not at all is not helpful to anyone. Don't perpetuate it. Be honest about your concerns and ask them to be honest with you. That's really the best you can do- if they choose to say it's fine when it's not, then that's on them. I agree with this so much, Liking it was not enough! Good communication between the parties involved can go a long way. One of the points you could bring up when talking to MIL or both MIL and FIL is "now that you have been doing it awhile is it still working for you?" I think just making other arrangements without talking first would be a really poor way to handle the situation. Also, your kids are old enough to ask how things are working from their point of view. I don't have kids, but I'm thinking you could gently question them to get their perception to see if FIL or MIL are expressing resentment in words, tone of voice, or actions.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 19:05:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 19:28:53 GMT
He's already answered this question. Take the $75 and hire someone else to do this.
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 3, 2015 19:35:55 GMT
I agree with the people who have suggested that your SIL is a pot-stirrer. Why did she feel the need to convey this information to you? I question her motives.
Anyhow, I would, without mentioning SIL, just ask if this arrangement is ok with them to continue into the spring. My parents moved up here to be near me about 2.5 years ago, and my mother honestly lives to spend time with her grandkids and jumps for the opportunity to help out by occasionally driving them somewhere or watching them at my house -- I take her up on her offers a lot less than she volunteers. Both my father and my FIL are grumps who complain for the sake of complaining. If you took every complaint they made or allegedly made as an indication that you had to radically change things, you would just never see either of them.
BTW, it would absolutely break my mother's heart if I decided, because my father is a grump, that she couldn't do the things she does to help out.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,365
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jan 3, 2015 19:49:39 GMT
Since my husband's family lives over 800 miles away, I have no experience with local in-law interactions. My suggestion, however, is not to volunteer after school hours, so you do not need childcare services & can relieve your in-laws of this obligation. It appears they do not want responsibility of your children, rather to drop by & visit with them at their leisure. Perhaps you can find a different way to support the Junior League adult literacy program while your children are in school. Best wishes...
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Jan 3, 2015 20:14:12 GMT
Give them an easy out and if they don't take it, continue as you are. I also think your sil might be a pot stirrer. The actual pick up at the school probably is a pain in the ass. Isn't every school pick up? I doubt your fil has a thing to do with making them dinner. I do think if you just up and make other arrangements that it might hurt your mil's feelings.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,620
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2015 20:26:09 GMT
He's already answered this question. Take the $75 and hire someone else to do this. No, he hasn't. She got this information second hand from someone who may or may not have an agenda. She really doesn't know how her in laws feel until she asks them directly: "is this working for you? If not, I can do this instead. It's really not a problem to switch it if it's not working out. We don't want to burden you at all. Please be honest and let us know."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 19:05:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 21:32:43 GMT
He's already answered this question. Take the $75 and hire someone else to do this. No, he hasn't. She got this information second hand from someone who may or may not have an agenda. She really doesn't know how her in laws feel until she asks them directly: "is this working for you? If not, I can do this instead. It's really not a problem to switch it if it's not working out. We don't want to burden you at all. Please be honest and let us know." Often times people in that situation are more honest with a third-party then they would be with the person they are involved with I would take him at his word. That's just how I operate.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 19:05:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2015 22:06:14 GMT
I did something similar to this for my dd. They moved to another town recently. It was hard at times..4 little boys, picky eaters, messy and dirty. But I miss them like crazy and wish I could still see them regularly like I did. I don't think I ever complained that much about it, but I have to admit it was hard at times.
Bottom line: talk to them
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 3, 2015 22:11:50 GMT
You are basing a decision about what someone repeated to you. I would very politely ask MIL how she feels. She is the one who seems like she would be missing out on the time. Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you have to love doing the same things. I would approach it saying that you could certainly make other plans, but wanted to hear how she felt before doing anything. I wouldn't take that time away from MIL before asking her first.
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grammanisi
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,741
Jun 26, 2014 1:37:37 GMT
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Post by grammanisi on Jan 3, 2015 22:14:10 GMT
Coming from the grandparent's point of view, I think you should ask you MIL if they were still up for having the kids XXX days. You should be able to gauge by her answer to you if she really wants to have them or not.
I would be hurt if my SIL just assumed that I didn't want the kids because my sometimes grumpy husband made a comment.
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Post by eebud on Jan 3, 2015 22:19:01 GMT
Thanks for the update! I am really glad that you discussed it with MIL and didn't just make other plans without talking first. It sounds like all is well and hopefully your MIL understands that if it does become a burden, SHE can come to you and your DH and discuss it with you.
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Post by annabella on Jan 3, 2015 22:24:21 GMT
Some people just like to complain about everything, even if it's something they willing chose to continue doing. Quite frankly I find it boring to hear people complain about traffic, there's always traffic, why waste time talking about it?
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,620
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 3, 2015 22:24:26 GMT
Glad to hear a good update!!
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 3, 2015 22:30:22 GMT
Well, I don't envy your next meeting with SIL, but I think you did the right thing.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 3, 2015 22:34:06 GMT
I wouldn't say a word. The inlaws are adults. They need to speak up directly to the OP if they've concluded they no longer want this responsibility. I don't have time for games and I don't want to be an enabler for triangulation.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 3, 2015 23:05:18 GMT
Great update . I like the way you approached it, especially if your MIL needs/wants to make changes in the future she knows she can talk to you and work it out. Sorry about the SIL, but it isn't always a bad thing for someone who likes to create drama to see others maturely address the problem.
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Post by Karene on Jan 3, 2015 23:23:01 GMT
What you could do is call SIL yourself before your in-laws talk to her. Tell her thanks for letting you know, and you've discussed it with MIL. She is still happy to help out but will let you know when it becomes too hard. That way it looks like you didn't tattle but were concerned about your in-laws.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,509
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Jan 3, 2015 23:45:35 GMT
Excellent update. You handled that perfectly. I wouldn't care too much about how the sil feels about it. It's really not her business.
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