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Post by overwhelmed123 on Jan 16, 2015 22:42:26 GMT
I'm sorry, life took me away from the computer, I am reading your responses now. Thank you.
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Post by jenb72 on Jan 16, 2015 22:51:15 GMT
I didn't want to read and run. I have personal experience with this. I will send you a PM in a little while. I have to take my kids to visit their dad for the weekend.
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Post by overwhelmed123 on Jan 16, 2015 23:38:02 GMT
First I want to say thank you to everyone who has replied to me. Your thoughtful responses mean very much to me. I cannot express the amount of gratituide and relief I have felt rereading all these responses. I thought I was losing my mind, but all of you have said one thing the same: it's not me. And I'm listening to that and trying to believe that. Second, you know what they say when the peas all agree on something. Which I suspected would be the case here. I haven't wrapped my mind around leaving him. I'm trying to empower myself here. I went ahead and asked him what type of porn it was and that I would need immediate access to his devices if I asked and he immediately told me I could look right then. In fact he's never been secretive about his electronics. Maybe I'm just too naive to believe that it's just better hidden than I could find. IDK. I'm going to try and answer a few questions, and respond to people. I agree with the previous posters. My DXH was addicted to porn. I know exactly how you are feeling. When I found out, I was 7 months pregnant. Already not feeling that good about myself, being fat with pregnancy, and I find this out? It was very hurtful, I felt he was having an affair. I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine that situation. You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Im sorry you feel embarrassed and humiliated, I dont think you should but I know what you mean, he is probably feeling the same way. He has told me numerous times now that he is ashamed and humiliated. And that's why he could never bring it up to me. I do believe some part of that is true. I want to believe it's true. Leave. Be done. It's over. I've known several guys from age 20 to 55 who couldn't get it up with a real woman because they had watched porn too much or for too long. Most guys watch it. They are not children and should not be told they can't watch it. However, it's virtually impossible to fix these guys. He probably has no problem getting an erection and finishing himself off while watching porn but he won't ever be able to do that with you. It's also not you. If you put the porn star women in front of him, he couldn't perform in real life for them either. If sex is important to you, then you need to run away and never look back. You should only stay with him if you can live without it. No amount of counseling will ever help. Having sex while watching porn won't help either. He needs to be alone in order to perform. Trust me on this. Yubon, you are a straight shooter, and I know that what you are saying is true. I appreciate your frankness. Thank you. I'm a bit stuck on the idea that you are living with a man that you haven't had sex with. Don't most people have sex before deciding to move in together?. I'm sorry, I should have made it more clear. We have lived together for a significant amount of time before this relationship began as a friends/roommate situation. And when the relationship began, I felt that it was just a long transition into new ground and that it was a slow process as not to lose our very long friendship if it were to fail. Bottom line, are you willing to live as "just friends" with this guy for the rest of your life, while he's happy with his porn and you have no one? That's not a marriage. It's just really really sad. Move on. I'm sorry you wasted your time with this one. It doesn't matter that he's a nice person. He can never be a husband to you. ETA: How ironic! With this post, I'm Throbbing Again! This gave me a MUCH needed laugh. Thank you!!! Halle Berry was married to a sex addict. Halle Berry. This speaks volumes. I hate that it happens to anyone but to think someone as beautiful as Halle Berry could have it happen to her... just puts it in a whole different light. First off, (((hugs)))). If you have known him for 20 years, I'm going to guess you are in your 30s. You very likely aren't as fertile as you were 10 years ago. Getting pregnant at your age may involve having a lot of sex, and with the clock ticking, some of the performance pressure can impact sex. Be aware that with an addiction, he has years of work ahead of him, if he truly wants to fight it, and it will push the timing of marriage and starting a family back probably a few more years. You mention wasting 18 months, so I am guessing that the biological clock is an issue with you. There certainly is nothing wrong with that - I've been there - if bearing your own kids is important to you, you need to be realistic in the relationship choices you make. This is 100% exactly my thought process. I even said that to him. I am getting up there. My window here is limited and we have talked quite a bit about a baby and have even discussed the correct timing to start that. And I'm sitting here thinking... how can I even contemplate having a child with him. This isn't going to be fixed overnight. I'm not looking for someone to just knock me up, I could find ways to be a mom without him. I was hoping I had found the right person to have a family with. And I'm not sure it's him now. lI am not going to say that you should just bail because you aren't married and don't have kids together. You do have a history and obviously since you posted here instead of just kicking him to the curb you feel there is something worth fighting for. There is no formula or right way to deal with something like this. We are all unique and we all have different needs and expectations. Somebody else's deal breaker might be your road bump. My advice would be to do a lot of research on how porn watching changes the brain and damages sexual response. See exactly what you are up against. From what I know it can be fixed but the longer it was a problem, the more difficult and lengthy the recovery process will be. Nobody can tell you whether it's worth it or not. You have to decide it for yourself. And whatever you decide is the right choice for you and your relationship. Every word you wrote has resonated with me. Thank you. IDK what I will decide but you have given me so much to think about. And I will. I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker. I'm also worried about what it says about me if it's not. This sounds like the plot of the movie "Don Jon", with Joseph Gordon Levitt. Internet sex addiction interfering with real life connections in relationships. I'm not familiar with this movie, but I assure you this is not made up. I wish to hell it were. Oh, OP, I'm sorry. What a difficult thing to go through. The 4 questions you posed - about how to help him, and if you have a right to your feelings - they indicate, to me, that you could use some help with codependency. Yes, he has an addiction, and that does tend to bring out codependency in loved ones. If you live in a larger town, there will be in person meetings that can help you. You can go to coda.org and see if it resonates. This is how they describe CoDA: "Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships." They can help you (I'm a long time member). Perspective: you are in a relationship with someone who isn't dealing with a significant, life altering problem, one that means you don't get your needs met in a very important area. You are blaming yourself and wondering how you can fix it. It's not your fault, and you can't. Take a deep breath and step back. Put on your own oxygen mask before you worry about how to help him. He is *his* problem. Someone should start taking care of you. Hugs. Wow... I have a lot of reading to do here. Thank you for linking me. Thank you so much. Again, thank you to ALL OF YOU.
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Post by onlywork2scrap on Jan 17, 2015 0:32:26 GMT
Move out now. Do not pass go. You will never be totally happy with this man. Do not settle for him. Go find someone that can't live without you and loves you and makes you feel secure. Someone who will take you in his arms and want to please you before pleasing himself. They are out there. I married one.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Jan 17, 2015 0:34:14 GMT
I haven't read all the replies in depth, just skimmed, but one thing I can say to you...you are dead wrong in equating sex with you or any live person with masturbation. Two very different and separate things. KNOW THIS. It's important.
Like others have said, get out now before you screw yourself up so bad you are incapable of forming a healthy relationship with a different man. Being with this guy will turn you into a suspicious, insecure whackjob who will scare wonderful, caring, sexually "normal" men away. Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is en emotional death sentence. Don't ask me how I know, I'm sure you can figure that part out.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jan 17, 2015 0:38:12 GMT
HUGS! I think you should get out.... Don't believe anything he says about not doing it again. A drunk will drink until the day he wants to change then he will get help. A drug addict will do drugs until he wants help. A porn addict will watch it until he wants help. They all need HELP stopping. The drunk and the druggie go to rehab.... Well, the porn addict will need rehab as well.
All the control is really with him because he isn't going to stop one day and be strong enough to not do it for the rest of his life unless he gets the rehab help he needs. once in rehab they learn other ways of living. Other ways of dealing with the urge of needed the next fix. one doesn't always need a full erection when he is self pleasing himself in front of the porn. He would if he did have sex with you.
Good luck and God bless.
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SabrinaP
Pearl Clutcher
Busy Teacher Pea
Posts: 4,354
Location: Dallas Texas
Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jan 17, 2015 0:42:45 GMT
Hugs! I'm sorry you are dealing with this! I think you've received a lot of great advice here.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 11:36:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2015 0:57:49 GMT
1. It's not you; it's him. 2. It's not you; it's him. 3. It's not you; it's him. 4. It's not you; it's him. (keep repeating this to yourself for as long as you need)
and, finally --
5. A man is not a project. You cannot "fix" him.
(that's his job - to decide he has problem, to seek assistance, and to follow through with the professional advice)
Your feelings are valid. You were deceived, whether intentionally or unintentionally on his part. Nevertheless, see no's 1-5 above.
Move on. You deserve more, and you will find the man who is meant to be your life partner. Hugs!
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
Enter your message here...
Posts: 4,046
Jul 13, 2014 21:23:27 GMT
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Post by Olan on Jan 17, 2015 1:00:37 GMT
Hugs I am sorry you are going through this. The fact that you were able to so clearly describe your thoughts and feelings here kinda means your heart has already told you what to do. Also the communicative and loving nature in which you've handled HIS issue getting it up means you will make a wonderful lover to someone who doesn't have an addiction to porn. Go find that guy.
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Post by chlerbie on Jan 17, 2015 3:01:13 GMT
My ex got into porn big time--he worked a second shift job, while I worked a first, and he was literally looking at it from the time he got up until the time he went to work. It changed him, it changed things between us, etc. That being said, I'm still OK with internet porn and the occasional watching of it--but not with an addiction to it, particularly to the point you've been describing. He's in deep and it's going to take a LOT to get out of.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 11:36:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2015 3:58:25 GMT
I would run. I have too many friends right now dealing with the same issue WITH kids. I guarantee you it's infinitely harder WITH kids. I see my friends struggle all of the time and their kids are picking up on it. Especially the girls. It is changing who they are. If you do stay, you need your own support system because it's a tough thing to deal with. His ED was absolutely from watching porn in excess.There are studies now that prove it changes the way your brain is wired. If you want more information, I follow Fight The New Drug and Porn Harms on fb. These are independent studies too.
I have had guy friends who REALLY wanted to change and they overcame it. But there was a sincere desire to change. In order for an addiction to be removed, something positive has to be added to it's place.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,161
Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Jan 17, 2015 4:10:30 GMT
A porn addiction can make it hard for a man to have a normal and healthy intimate relationship. No woman can compete with a fantasy, and the problem you describe is sometimes called an emotional affair or an affair of the mind.
I feel pretty strongly opposed to porn. It essentially reduces women to objects of gratification. I've known at least a few women where a porn addiction completely destroyed their marriages because of problems like you described (and others, such as the husband spending a ton of money on porn and neglecting family needs).
I agree you should walk away. If you love him so much that you want to hang in there, though, then I suggest you seek information (on how to deal with a loved one who has a porn addiction) from an anti-porn group called "Enough is Enough."
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Post by penny on Jan 17, 2015 4:52:53 GMT
I found a link to this article in Psychology Today that may or may not have good news, depending if you're hoping for it to be an addiction or a habit... It also debunks some of the common assumptions/arguments made about the effects of porn on the brain... m.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictiveNot posting it to discount anyone's experiences... Just that as more studies are being done they are learning more things, and maybe some of those new things can help you make your decision...
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jan 17, 2015 5:02:01 GMT
I wouldn't invest anymore time or emotion in this relationship. Walk away.
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swanie78
Junior Member
Posts: 79
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:24 GMT
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Post by swanie78 on Jan 17, 2015 5:29:36 GMT
I read your post to the point where you started numbering options. The reason I stopped there is because something jumped out at me and I didn't need to hear the rest. You talk about wanting to get married and spend your life with him but then you say he's wasted 18 months of your life and you could have been single or looking for someone who wants to be intimate with you. Which to me means that you aren't with him because you can't live without him, more out of convenience. That may play a part in it too, maybe he feels that?
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 17, 2015 12:22:22 GMT
I haven't read all the replies in depth, just skimmed, but one thing I can say to you...you are dead wrong in equating sex with you or any live person with masturbation. Two very different and separate things. KNOW THIS. It's important. Like others have said, get out now before you screw yourself up so bad you are incapable of forming a healthy relationship with a different man. Being with this guy will turn you into a suspicious, insecure whackjob who will scare wonderful, caring, sexually "normal" men away. Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is en emotional death sentence. Don't ask me how I know, I'm sure you can figure that part out. Agree with this, you'll turn yourself into someone who is insecure and suspicious! You've asked for access to all his devices, which he willing gave you. He did this because he doesn't really have a choice, but he did wipe the history. If he's good, he'll remember to wipe out the evidence each and every time. You won't find evidence of it because he'll always be one step ahead of you. Addicts are excellent liars. Don't turn yourself into the crazy person described.
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Post by Heart on Jan 17, 2015 12:43:47 GMT
I don't want to get overly TMI, but a healthy sex life isn't just penetration. Is he willing and able to give you pleasure in other ways? Is he making any attempts to find a way to enjoy you and your body aside from this issue?
If he's not doing anything- fingers, toys, mouth etc to try and give you satisfaction and enjoy you while he works on this issue- then this is a HUGE sign to walk away. If he doesn't lavish love and praise onto you while he finds ways to make sure YOU are sexually satisfied regardless of his ability to get erect, then this is never going to change.
No amount of therapy or discussion is going to change his thoughts about a real woman's body and her interests and desires. Either he "gets it" and knows that you have a libido, and does what he can to be your PARTNER through this, or he is mentally unable to see you as a sexual person and this is not worth fighting for.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jan 17, 2015 13:12:44 GMT
I haven't read all the replies in depth, just skimmed, but one thing I can say to you...you are dead wrong in equating sex with you or any live person with masturbation. Two very different and separate things. KNOW THIS. It's important. Like others have said, get out now before you screw yourself up so bad you are incapable of forming a healthy relationship with a different man. Being with this guy will turn you into a suspicious, insecure whackjob who will scare wonderful, caring, sexually "normal" men away. Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is en emotional death sentence. Don't ask me how I know, I'm sure you can figure that part out. Agree with this, you'll turn yourself into someone who is insecure and suspicious! You've asked for access to all his devices, which he willing gave you. He did this because he doesn't really have a choice, but he did wipe the history. If he's good, he'll remember to wipe out the evidence each and every time. You won't find evidence of it because he'll always be one step ahead of you. Addicts are excellent liars. Don't turn yourself into the crazy person described. How do you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving. He has already put you thru hell because his addiction was more important than any woman or her feelings. Why sign up for a lifetime sentence of the same?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 11:36:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2015 13:20:57 GMT
My apologies, I wasn't in any way suggesting you are making this up. However, as I was reading your opening post it made me think of the movie plot. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree with the other peas. It's not you, it's him and you deserve better.
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Post by elaine on Jan 17, 2015 14:49:04 GMT
I don't want to get overly TMI, but a healthy sex life isn't just penetration. Is he willing and able to give you pleasure in other ways? Is he making any attempts to find a way to enjoy you and your body aside from this issue? If he's not doing anything- fingers, toys, mouth etc to try and give you satisfaction and enjoy you while he works on this issue- then this is a HUGE sign to walk away. If he doesn't lavish love and praise onto you while he finds ways to make sure YOU are sexually satisfied regardless of his ability to get erect, then this is never going to change. No amount of therapy or discussion is going to change his thoughts about a real woman's body and her interests and desires. Either he "gets it" and knows that you have a libido, and does what he can to be your PARTNER through this, or he is mentally unable to see you as a sexual person and this is not worth fighting for. Unless you want to spend money and time pursuing fertility doctors and artificial insemination, penetration IS necessary for making babies, which the OP wants to do. So, he needs to also be willing to go the fertility doctor route and explain to the medical personnel why they need help conceiving, if he can't do his part of the process naturally, if he truly wants to meet her needs.
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Post by onlywork2scrap on Jan 17, 2015 15:58:06 GMT
I do need to say one more thing. The time you spend with someone that is not "the one" is time wasted. And, the right one will stay away as long as you are with the wrong one. Stop wasting time. Don't hang around out of habit or compassion. Life is too short and life can be wonderful if you are with the right person.
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Post by jumperhop on Jan 17, 2015 16:55:55 GMT
Run, I don't even think you should stay with him if you can live without sex. He is going to contine to watch porn and masterbate while you get nothing. How us that a healthy relationship? Hugs!!! Jen
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Jan 17, 2015 20:46:48 GMT
You deserve better plain and simple. I'm heartbroken that you even take it to heart that it is you. He started this addiction long ago. He has continued knowing you were in his grasp. He made bad choices. I personally would rather be alone than struggle to make him better.
He sucks and I am sorry !
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Jan 18, 2015 0:04:16 GMT
i am so sorry... i would be heartbroken too. i think the point about him being able to "participate" in other ways is valid. it shows his strong desire for you to feel appreciated in the relationship..... that there is attraction and love that he *wants* to express. that is an important part and i think if he has been not willing to look at alternatives to the "basics", other than blood tests and cialis, it would be a concern to me. best of luck with whatever you decide. xo i read this blog and thought it was good.... i looked thru all previous posts and don't think it's already been linked. GQ
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 18, 2015 0:38:51 GMT
You're living with a man not your husband, not your fiance?, who you haven't had sex with. That's a lot of investment on your part already and why you feel betrayed.
He has cheated on you.
He has cheated you of the return on your investment that you were led to naturally expect.
A good relationship boosts your self esteem. A good sexual relationship allows you to appreciate your body.
Your sense of your own worth is being damaged daily.
He had affairs under your roof while living with you. It doesn't matter that physically it wasn't with another warm body. He invested his sexual emotions elsewhere, not with you.
It's a particularly persistent desire for him, and he was deceptively engaged in this while encouraging you into a more committed relatiinship.
Assuming he lost all desire for porn this very moment, how is he going to atone for the hurt he has caused you?
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Post by norcalscrapper on Jan 19, 2015 16:33:28 GMT
You've gotten a lot of great advice here. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been through this very same thing. I wanted to offer a couple of message boards that specialize in porn addiction. They were so incredibly helpful to me. There are some amazing ladies there just like on here that can give you the advice you need. www.pornaddictioninfo.com/boards/index.phpwww.npsupport.net/community/There are also sections for addicts so your SO can also get the help he needs. It's not something that they can just stop doing. Like with any addiction, they will just get better at hiding it. They need to seek help and get to the root cause of the addiction. I hope you will also seek support so that you waste no more time feeling like you are to blame. I spent so much time wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I repeat what many of the ladies have already said: it's not you!! (((((Hugs))))))
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